Re: Never Posted before

[Guest guest]

Hi, this might just be part of a regular childhood fear. Of course,

OCD can make people obsess over them more than the typical might.

So what is it he fears or is asking? Is it a fear of seeing

ghosts/dead people? Fear of dying himself? Wondering about what

happens after death?

Each of my 3 sons (only one with OCD) went thru tears and fears about

having to die someday.

Sorry for the questions, just trying to get ideas for suggestions to

offer.

>

> I have always just listened and used the information I have

received on

> this site but now I am at the end of my rope. My son is 7 and has

OCD

> along with many other challenges and his main issue is Fear of

Death.

> He always talks and asks questions about death, it could even be

the

> same questions over and over. I have tried everything I could think

of

> and even some I heard you all talk about and now I don't know what

else

> to do. There is no counselor here were we live that can see him and

I

> am worried it will get worse. His life at

> school,church,activities,socially.. is not affected but I think he

> holds it in till he sees me or his dad and then he just starts

crying

> saying he's thinking about dead people again. If anyone has any

ideas

> that has helped your child please let me know I am desperate it's

just

> so flustrating!!!

> I have tried ignoring, talking to him about his OCD, changing his

mind,

> answering his questions, but poor thing he even sleeps with his

> flashlight.

> Please help

> Thank you

> From concerned Mom!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I just wanted to say, " Welcome " . .

I have a son age 7, also, with the " bad thoughts " , about dead people, etc. I

know how horrific this can be.

It looks like many of the members have already given you some great advice.

We are all here if you need us!

Hugs

judy

________________________________

To:

Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2008 2:36:22 PM

Subject: Never Posted before

I have always just listened and used the information I have received on

this site but now I am at the end of my rope. My son is 7 and has OCD

along with many other challenges and his main issue is Fear of Death.

He always talks and asks questions about death, it could even be the

same questions over and over. I have tried everything I could think of

and even some I heard you all talk about and now I don't know what else

to do. There is no counselor here were we live that can see him and I

am worried it will get worse. His life at

school,church, activities, socially. . is not affected but I think he

holds it in till he sees me or his dad and then he just starts crying

saying he's thinking about dead people again. If anyone has any ideas

that has helped your child please let me know I am desperate it's just

so flustrating! !!

I have tried ignoring, talking to him about his OCD, changing his mind,

answering his questions, but poor thing he even sleeps with his

flashlight.

Please help

Thank you

From concerned Mom!

[Guest guest]

This is my daughter's major obsession.  I have a feeling many OCD obsessions

are based on a fear of death, but my

daughter talks about this all the time as well.  Her new thing is that she gets

very anxious when we go outside at night 

because it is so dark so early and she says that the darkness reminds her of

death.  She also freaked out just before when

I was helping her study for her Social Studies test because I mentioned the

" earth " which somehow is connected in her mind

with death.  She then became so anxious that it was hard for her to study.  

I have no clue the proper way to help her with this, but I try to help her by

telling her how I cope with the same fear.

Basically, I tell her that since we all will eventually die and we can't know

when, the best way to outwit death is to not let the fear of it

steal our enjoyment of the present.  I am trying to teach her how to focus on

living in the present and enjoying what we are doing at the 

moment.  

Never Posted before

I have always just listened and used the information I have received on

this site but now I am at the end of my rope. My son is 7 and has OCD

along with many othe

r challenges and his main issue is Fear of Death.

He always talks and asks questions about death, it could even be the

same questions over and over. I have tried everything I could think of

and even some I heard you all talk about and now I don't know what else

to do. There is no counselor here were we live that can see him and I

am worried it will get worse. His life at

school,church,activities,socially.. is not affected but I think he

holds it in till he sees me or his dad and then he just starts crying

saying he's thinking about dead people again. If anyone has any ideas

that has helped your child please let me know I am desperate it's just

so flustrating!!!

I have tried ignoring, talking to him about his OCD, changing his mind,

answering his questions, but poor thing he even sleeps with his

flashlight.

Please help

Thank you

From concerned Mom!

[Guest guest]

I love the idea of the box!!! this way it will seem like I'm not just ignoring

him and also teach him that not having the answer right away is okay. Love it

-thanks

Also he loves to read so I'll try to get some books about how wonderful heaven

is

We are actually the youth leaders at our church but we have tried telling him in

every detail what the process is and how the Lord only takes your soul,etc. but

he still doesn't get that he will no longer be in his body so when he thinks of

the casket he thinks he will be shut up in it and won't be able to get out, but

trying to make him understand is not working he just needs to realize we don't

have all the answers and we have trust and not let it affect the rest of our

life.

I appreciate all the help

He is our miracle and I am thankful for him everyday!

Subject: Re: Never Posted before

To:

Date: Thursday, December 18, 2008, 6:07 PM

Hi again. About death/dying -- what I ended up doing (frantically)

when all my sons were upset about it (no OCD) was going to the

library weekly and checking out books for kids about Heaven. I'd

flip thru the books there first to make sure I thought it'd be good.

I'd get a few each visit and then read them at our regular, nightly

reading time (before bed).

I know many people don't believe in near-death experiences (i.e.,

dying and coming back) but if we were still discussing stuff I would

tell them how EVERYone I had read about, saw on TV, whatever, always

found it a peaceful experience and were no longer scared of dying.

And discuss that some.

Oh and we might discuss too, after the books, what we liked best. Or

what we'd like Heaven to be like for ourselves (like I want my

favorite trees), that type thing.

I don't know what about the casket bothers him. But that thought

bothers me too, LOL, I'm a bit claustrophobic and then being

buried.... Like it will matter then. I know I don't want

cremation. What are those tombs where you're above ground...? LOL.

At any rate, for quite a while (weeks) we read books, talked, I gave

my thoughts, etc., and eventually things calmed down with my sons.

And when my kids keep asking questions, sometimes there is no telling

what comes out of my mouth (like questions about Santa, sometimes I

get creative) so later I'm sort of praying myself to say " sorry! " for

anything I might have said/come up with that isn't (or may not) be

true...but said while wanting to reassure my sons.

So - if you feel these are those genuine childhood thoughts,

questions, fears, curiousity, you should handle them as that. If a

part of it, or all, is OCD you can help him learn about tricky, bossy

OCD and about bossing back (naming too, as you said) and work on

things from that perspective.

If he asks too often each day, you can do things like only " X " number

of questions a day (start high, lower it later), have him write

questions and put in a box for later (maybe pull out a question or 2

or the whole box) at a certain time of day.... Just ways to reduce

this if it's a constant stream of talking/asking each day.

My sympathy to you about your son & daughter. I think at some point

later - maybe much later, but there will come a day - he'll be fine

visiting his sister and bringing flowers himself. Have you tried

little " stories " like she sees the flowers there from Heaven...okay,

I'm brainstorming again, sigh!

Wow, 1 lb 7 oz, he has done great, your miracle baby!

single mom, 3 sons

, 19, with OCD, dysgraphia and Aspergers

>

> I really appreciate all the advice.

> To answer some of your questions he fears all of the areas

> concerning death. He was having problems with bathroom because of

> germs and getting sick and dying -we are blessed to be over that

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Just wanted to say I love all your ideas here. Separating the OCD

from your son and naming the " characters " that contribute to the

acting out stuff, but holding your son accountable for the actions is

brilliant! If your son can stay clear on all this at his young age

you've given him great strategies for life, never mind OCD.

Ours, teen, reached a point where he could not separate from the OCD

and would even get inflamed if we suggested it was the OCD. We're

past this now, but if you can maintain this approach with your son he

will be so well prepared for the teen years where understanding

responsibility and accountability for your actions is so important

and elusive sometimes.

Warmly,

Barb

>

> I don't want to repeat myself, since you've said you've read

postings

> here. But what has helped my 6 yr old is naming the emotions in his

> head and talking to them as if they were other people. We have

Warren

> the Worrier, Edgar the Angry, Calvin the Calm, the Positive

> Thinker etc. When Warren or Edgar " show up " we as parents address

the

> unwanted behavior by speaking, in very calm, soft voices, to the

> " guilty party " . It helps my son feel like he's not being attacked or

> punished. (However, if the behavior merits a time out, my son has to

> go with " them " because he's ultimately responsible for the whole

gang

> of characters.) We tell my son to put these guys back in their

crates

> (we have a dog who gets crated when we're not home, so this makes

> sense to my son). The impact of using this strategy with him has

been

> nothing short of amazing. It puts in on his level. He's now learned

> (after months and months of practice) to talk back and be in charge

> (usually).

>

> We've also practiced " realistic thinking " and he's started talking

to

> his teddy bear in the same way, assuring " Beary " that there's no

need

> to worry if the power goes out during a storm yadayada. You cannot

win

> a rational argument about how illogical their fears are. You can

only

> try to teach them that they are in charge of their fears and that

you

> believe in them and know they can overcome this, with your help.

>

> I could go on and on about the anxiety part of my son's issues, but

I

> don't want to bore everyone else. Feel free to email me if you want

> more details on how we now deal with our " cast of characters "

>

> Best of luck!

>

[Guest guest]

That is what my daughter's therapist had her do.  She had her choose a name for

her OCD.  My daughter chose " Creepy Guy " and then the therapist had her draw a

picture of " Creepy Guy " .  

Re: Never Posted before

Hi ,

Just wanted to say I love all your ideas here. Separating the OCD

from your son and naming the " characters " that contribute to the

acting out stuff, but holding your son accountable for the actions is

brilliant! If your son can stay clear on all this at his young age

you've given him great strategies for life, never mind OCD.

Ours, teen, reached a point where he could not separate from the OCD

and would even get inflamed if we suggested it was the OCD. We're

past this now, but if you can maintain this approach with your son he

will be so well prepared for the teen years where understanding

responsibility and accountability for your actions is so important

and elusive sometimes.

Warmly,

Barb

>

> I don't want to repeat myself, since you've said you've read

postings

> here. But what has helped my 6 yr old is naming the emotions in his

> head and talk

ing to them as if they were other people. We have

Warren

> the Worrier, Edgar the Angry, Calvin the Calm, the Positive

> Thinker etc. When Warren or Edgar " show up " we as parents address

the

> unwanted behavior by speaking, in very calm, soft voices, to the

> " guilty party " . It helps my son feel like he's not being attacked or

> punished. (However, if the behavior merits a time out, my son has to

> go with " them " because he's ultimately responsible for the whole

gang

> of characters.) We tell my son to put these guys back in their

crates

> (we have a dog who gets crated when we're not home, so this makes

> sense to my son). The impact of using this strategy with him has

been

> nothing short of amazing. It puts in on his level. He's now learned

> (after months and months of practice) to talk back and be in charge

> (usually).

>

> We've also practiced " realistic thinking " and he's started talking

to

> his teddy bear in the same way, assuring " Beary " that there's no

need

> to worry if the power goes out during a storm yadayada. You cannot

win

> a rational argument about how illogical their fears are. You can

only

> try to teach them that they are in charge of their fears and that

you

> believe in them and know they can overcome this, with your help.

>

> I could go on and on about the anxiety part of my son's issues, but

I

> don't want to

bore everyone else. Feel free to email me if you want

> more details on how we now deal with our " cast of characters "

>

> Best of luck!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Dorenda,

I wanted to add my welcome to the group. It sure sounds like you

have had an awful lot to cope with. I'm sorry for the losses that

you have had to endure, and can see that you are very grateful for

your " miracle " son. Sounds like he has been given a lot to deal with

as well. My heart goes out to you with all this.

The fear of death stuff kind of goes right to the core of what it is

to be human, doesn't it? I find when it tangles with the OCD it is

never ending, like all obsessions.... But it is an unavoidable

reality, so not a fear that you can really reassure someone out of on

the one hand, but something that perception might be shifted on.

Having said that, in strict OCD terms, the idea is to either confront

or ignore the thought, and to reach a place where it has no " charge " ,

or no longer creates anxiety. Again, a challenge, since most people

generally fear death...

Generally when ERP is done a heirarchy of fears is written up, with

each one numbered from one to ten, with ten being the thing that

causes the most fear/anxiety, one the least. Then each item is

challenged one at a time, usually starting with the least

problematic. By doing this a person learns that they can challenge

these thoughts, and feels more empowered to begin to challenge the

bigger stuff. Also, the doing of this can help with the perception

of the thoughts in general I think, in that some of the big stuff

that they may not be able to see as clearly as being unrealistic OCD

stuff, they gain a better understanding of this.

Not sure if I made that very clear or not? But the idea is that in

order to learn to manage the OCD, there needs to be the understanding

that it is something separate from themselves, and that there is a

way to address it. Not sure if anyone mentioned the book " Up and

Down the Worry Hill " , by Aureen Pinto Wagner, or " What to do When

your Brain Gets Stuck " , these might help with the understanding

part. Also there are some great workbooks, by March, or Cherry

Pedrick & Hyman, and more I'm sure. I really like Tamar Chansky's

book " Freeing Your Child From OCD " , as a good comprehensive book.

Hang in there Dorenda! You will know if you need to go the

medication route, it just reaches a point where there is no option.

If you get some books and inform yourself on all this, try out the

ERP, perhaps some of the natural remedies, and nothing is working,

then it will be clearer for you I think. At least that was our

experience.

I send you hugs!

Barb

>

> I really appreciate all the advice.

> To answer some of your questions he fears all of the areas

> concerning death. He was having problems with bathroom because of

> germs and getting sick and dying -we are blessed to be over that

for

> now. Also he says he sees things that make him think of dead

people,

> the dark is also really bad (we have lights we turn on for him

while

> he sleeps so it's not as dark) he worries about things that happen

> after you die -heaven,hell,devil,even the casket, just everything

> and it doesn't matter what you say I truly don't think he fully

> understands.

> We go to church and try to always tell him the Lord is with him and

> that God will take care of everything but it's just his fear and he

> can't seem to make his mind think anything diff.

> Math and counting seems to be the new thing-I haven't even started

> tackling that yet-

> I few things do seem to help like we got a swing we put in his room

> and he swings in the morning and night and that seems to help and

> also a big thing is keeping his mind busy but that is really hard

as

> he goes 100mph

> I will try the naming the OCD and will try reading that book-he

> might really like naming his OCD.

> The worse part is we had lost 2 children (1son was miscarriage and

> 1daughter stillborn) and I love to go to my daughters gravesite and

> put flowers and things there but it makes it very hard to get over

> there now because I can't take my son with me or the OCD will start

> flaring up. I have still tried to incorporate him going atleast

once

> a yr for my daughters birthday to take flowers but it makes it

hard -

> I don't want to hurt my son but yet I can't forget my daughter I

> lost- so I don't know -

> I will try all these things you all have discussed and will let you

> know how it goes.

> Again thank you!

> If worse case we will have to start on some meds and who knows that

> might be all he needs to live a peaceful life.

> he is truly our miracle-he was born at 24 wks at 1pd 7ounces and I

> feel even blessed to have him and I just want the best for him like

> any mom here would want

> Thanks-sorry so long-I could go on for hours-

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > I really appreciate all the advice.

> > To answer some of your questions he fears all of the areas

> > concerning death. He was having problems with bathroom because of

> > germs and getting sick and dying -we are blessed to be over that

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to clarify. . The unreasonableness was not our son, but

the OCD that was controlling him. Our son was doing his best to try

to believe, wanting it all to stop, but the OCD would not let him.

<sigh> It really can be wretched stuff.

BJ

> > >

> > > I really appreciate all the advice.

> > > To answer some of your questions he fears all of the areas

> > > concerning death. He was having problems with bathroom because of

> > > germs and getting sick and dying -we are blessed to be over that

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

It WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My son decided to name it Mr. Barn (don't know why but

he loved the idea to name it what ever he wanted) so now he will just come up

and say he's back and we will talk to him and say Mr. Barn go away we are having

fun or we are going to Uncle's house or something and we would say bye bye and

then I would tell him something to get his mind on something else. But it is

working oh I am so thrilled. It's like he now has the control back and he loves

it. He even was able to tell me that Mr. Barn likes to come when it's dark out

-so for him to understand and know when it's worse for him, I think is awesome.

Oh I am so tickled pink right now.

THANK YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dorenda

Subject: Re: Re: Never Posted before

To:

Date: Sunday, December 21, 2008, 2:42 PM

Joei calls hers OCDevil.  I can't remember which doctor was on the Oprah show,

but she heard him call it that and got a kick out of it.

 

~~Kathy

 Courage is not living without fear.

Courage is being scared to death and doing the right thing anyway.

-Chae

____________ _________ _________ __

From: " Jordana120aol (DOT) com " <Jordana120aol (DOT) com>

To: @ yahoogroups. com

Sent: Saturday, December 20, 2008 9:32:39 AM

Subject: Re: Re: Never Posted before

That is what my daughter's therapist had her do.  She had her choose a name for

her OCD.  My daughter chose " Creepy Guy " and then the therapist had her draw a

picture of " Creepy Guy " .  

Re: Never Posted before

Hi ,

Just wanted to say I love all your ideas here. Separating the OCD

from your son and naming the " characters " that contribute to the

acting out stuff, but holding your son accountable for the actions is

brilliant! If your son can stay clear on all this at his young age

you've given him great strategies for life, never mind OCD.

Ours, teen, reached a point where he could not separate from the OCD

and would even get inflamed if we suggested it was the OCD. We're

past this now, but if you can maintain this approach with your son he

will be so well prepared for the teen years where understanding

responsibility and accountability for your actions is so important

and elusive sometimes.

Warmly,

Barb

>

> I don't want to repeat myself, since you've said you've read

postings

> here. But what has helped my 6 yr old is naming the emotions in his

> head and talk

ing to them as if they were other people. We have

Warren

> the Worrier, Edgar the Angry, Calvin the Calm, the Positive

> Thinker etc. When Warren or Edgar " show up " we as parents address

the

> unwanted behavior by speaking, in very calm, soft voices, to the

> " guilty party " . It helps my son feel like he's not being attacked or

> punished. (However, if the behavior merits a time out, my son has to

> go with " them " because he's ultimately responsible for the whole

gang

> of characters.) We tell my son to put these guys back in their

crates

> (we have a dog who gets crated when we're not home, so this makes

> sense to my son). The impact of using this strategy with him has

been

> nothing short of amazing. It puts in on his level. He's now learned

> (after months and months of practice) to talk back and be in charge

> (usually).

>

> We've also practiced " realistic thinking " and he's started talking

to

> his teddy bear in the same way, assuring " Beary " that there's no

need

> to worry if the power goes out during a storm yadayada. You cannot

win

> a rational argument about how illogical their fears are. You can

only

> try to teach them that they are in charge of their fears and that

you

> believe in them and know they can overcome this, with your help.

>

> I could go on and on about the anxiety part of my son's issues, but

I

> don't want to

bore everyone else. Feel free to email me if you want

> more details on how we now deal with our " cast of characters "

>

> Best of luck!

>

[Guest guest]

Terrific!? I hope that this is the start of things getting back to " normal " .

Re: Never Posted before

Hi ,

Just wanted to say I love all your ideas here. Separating the OCD

from your son and naming the " characters " that contribute to the

acting out stuff, but holding your son accountable for the actions is

brilliant! If your son can stay clear on all this at his young age

you've given him great strategies for life, never mind OCD.

Ours, teen, reached a point where he could not separate from the OCD

and would even get inflamed if we suggested it was the OCD. We're

past this now, but if you can maintain this approach with your son he

will be so well prepared for the teen years where understanding

responsibility and accountability for your actions is so important

and elusive sometimes.

Warmly,

Barb

>

> I don't want to repeat myself, since you've said you've read

postings

> here. But what has helped my 6 yr old is naming the emotions in his

> head and talk

ing to them as if they were other people. We have

Warren

> the Worrier, Edgar the Angry, Calvin the Calm, the Positive

> Thinker etc. When Warren or Edgar " show up " we as parents address

the

> unwanted behavior by speaking, in very calm, soft voices, to the

> " guilty party " . It helps my son feel like he's not being attacked or

> punished. (However, if the behavior merits a time out, my son has to

> go with " them " because he's ultimately responsible for the whole

gang

> of characters.) We tell my son to put these guys back in their

crates

> (we have a dog who gets crated when we're not home, so this makes

> sense to my son). The impact of using this strategy with him has

been

> nothing short of amazing. It puts in on his level. He's now learned

> (after months and months of practice) to talk back and be in charge

> (usually).

>

> We've also practiced " realistic thinking " and he's started talking

to

> his teddy bear in the same way, assuring " Beary " that there's no

need

> to worry if the power goes out during a storm yadayada. You cannot

win

> a rational argument about how illogical their fears are. You can

only

> try to teach them that they are in charge of their fears and that

you

> believe in them and know they can overcome this, with your help.

>

> I could go on and on about the anxiety part of my son's issues, but

I

> don't want to

bore everyone else. Feel free to email me if you want

> more details on how we now deal with our " cast of characters "

>

> Best of luck!

>

[Guest guest]

That is GREAT! Isn't it amazing how sometimes the simplest of things

(giving OCD a name and then telling it to bug off) is helpful to our

kids!? Kate had a few different names but usually just calls it " That

OCD! " Someone on this board suggested we give the OCD a name and a

personality.

Kate told me that OCD was a sort of a gremlin that would sit on her

shoulder and whisper the bad thoughts to her . . . it would tell her to be

scared of things she needn't be scared of . . . it would tell her she

needed to wash her hands or that " that boy's germs will make your stuffed

animals dissolve. "

When she'd get " the look " I'd say, " Is that OCD whispering again!? " Then

I'd make a big show of flicking it off her shoulder and tell her " There it

goes, go stomp on it! " She'd chase after the " OCD " and give it a good

stomp -- almost always falling to the floor in a fit of the giggles. I

wish that technique worked now as well as it did a year ago . . . but,

alas, she's getting more sophisticated. Ugh.

Beth

> It WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My son decided to name it Mr. Barn (don't know

> why but he loved the idea to name it what ever he wanted) so now he will

> just come up and say he's back and we will talk to him and say Mr. Barn go

> away we are having fun or we are going to Uncle's house or something and

> we would say bye bye and then I would tell him something to get his mind

> on something else. But it is working oh I am so thrilled. It's like he now

> has the control back and he loves it. He even was able to tell me that Mr.

> Barn likes to come when it's dark out -so for him to understand and know

> when it's worse for him, I think is awesome. Oh I am so tickled pink right

> now.

> THANK YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Dorenda

>

>