Re: Father's who can't handle their child's OCD

[Guest guest]

Vicki:

Couple of comments...

First, I really relate to your husband right now. My daughter is 19

and currently at a treatment facility (). We've had lots of ups

and downs over the past four years. I am very aware that I am still

grieving for that bright little girl who was so inquisitive and who

was going to set the world on fire, and who is now struggling with the

basic mechanics of getting through the day. It's hard.

Secondly, I think it will help you in all this if you can refrain from

reminding your husband that he is in pain. He will run away from that

very fast, and go into more denial.

Thirdly, your husband may well be facing his own OCD issues that he

has been unaware of or suspected.

I think that appealing to his guy sense of problem-solving may be

helpful. Try pitching it that way: " Regardless of what we feel, or

what we think, the best expert advice suggests that we do THIS to fix

the problem, and it's not that our son just needs to grow up a little.

It's uncomfortable for both of us to get help about this, but it's

like going to the mechanic for engine work on the car. " I would stay

away from talking to your husband about his feelings or your feelings.

That can come later on, but if you push that he will run away from

the reality of it faster.

Just a few thoughts based on what you said and my own experiences.

They may or may apply. Hope this helps. Let us know.

>

> Hi all,

>

> I don't know what to do about this one. My DH won't go into

> counseling, so I don't know how to help him come to terms with our 9

> 1/2 year olds OCD.... I told him, I truly think he is mourning not

> having the child he thought we would have and that is okay to be

> sad... He told me I was wrong, that he isn't sad for himself, but for

> our son...

>

[Guest guest]

Sometimes I wonder if it is just a matter of grieving. You have to

get through that to get to a point of acceptance. I went through that

when I lost my health, and again when our son was diagnosed with OCD.

Everyone grieves differently. And it can take longer for some, than

others. It seems once acceptance is reached, you can move forward to

see what can be done, if anything, to improve things.

It's hard, that's for sure.

BJ

>

> Vickie,

> I just had to respond to this as my husband and I just Friday had a

big argument about this. It all started when they came into town to

meet me for lunch after I did my holiday shopping. As they were

walking across the parking lot, he dropped my younger daughter's

headband (he was carrying her). He asked my 14-yr old to pick it up

for him, but she ignored him and kept walking (asphalt is one of her

contamination fears). He got mad and handled it badly; I went off on

him. I also explained to my daughter that it's ok to say if she

doesn't want to do something because of the OCD; it's better than

ignoring people and making them think she's just being snotty.

> So we got into a big argument specifically about his lack of

involvement. I'm the one who got her into a therapist and diagnosed,

figured out the insurance, made numerous phone calls, set up all the

appointments, go to the appts with her (he doesn't get off til 5, I

get off at 2:30), do the exposure stuff at home, etc. His biggest

thing is he doesn't like problems or conflicts; he'll deal with it if

he can't get around it, but likes to avoid things if at all possible.

On the opposite side, I tend to worry (dare I say obsess??) over

problems, research it to death, find all the possible routes,

everything I can think of. To me, knowledge is power. Now if I

weren't around, I do think he would have done a fine job of getting

her taken care of, but it's just the pattern we've fallen into that I

take care of the problems and put all the stress on myself.

> I think the hardest thing for him is that it changes from day to

day; one day she might be over-the-top afraid of something, and the

next day she can face it to a better extent. I AM certain that he,

like me, wishes she would just wake up cured and everything would go

back to " normal " . He is very accepting of whatever happens with her

down the road; I just have to remind myself he'll take longer to get

where I am because I'm the one who's read all this stuff about OCD,

whereas reading has never been his strong point either. Perhaps you

could have your husband talk with your son's therapist and ask any

questions of his own. Maybe coming from a professional would carry

more weight and help him understand it better. Just some thoughts and

to let you know you're not alone!

> Debbie

>

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