Re: That kitchen full of food

[Guest guest]

you sound like you are on an excellent path, with a wonderful life

free from food struggles stretched out before you. I wish you the

absolute best of luck, and congratulations!

Audrey

[Guest guest]

What a happy post! I am so glad Congratulations!

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> The kitchen full of food is going well. I discovered that by being

on a diet for the past 27 years, I had severely judged foods as good

or bad and had a limited range of food in my house.  I have been

shopping for what I want.  It has not led to over eating.  In fact,

compared to four months ago, I feel full less, but am having more fun

with all the yummy food.  Nothing is on a forbidden list. 

>  

> This week I practice stocking my own house for my future life with

three guys who can eat me under the table.  This will mean buying

foods for everyone, not just me.  Kid food, snack food, football

food - yuck, white bread (I blaspheme), milk.  I am looking forward

to going shopping this week with all four of us in mind.

>  

> And, my friends, it is all worth it.  I started this food journey

in July with a goal of being able to be in a normal family setting

and be easy around food.  Note that I did not say, this " diet

journey " .  A week ago my Sweetheart proposed to me at the Hotel del

Coronado where we first met four years ago.  Although I've been

married before, I never had the traditional proposal with a ring and

the solemn words of committment.  So now I am cleaning up my affairs

in Albuquerque and planning to move to San Diego in June.  This gives

me six more months to continue to improve my relationship with food -

which is infinitely better- and learn how to eat in a family.  Six

months of enormous life changes, including leaving a lawfirm

partnership to start all over. 

>  

> I knew this was coming last July, that is why I started the food

journey.  So that I will have a solid foundation on which to make

these huge life changes, marriage, family, job, location, a new home,

woohoo!!!!   It's gonna be an adventure.  I decided last summer that

some baggage would not make the traveling team.  I intend to leave my

food and excessive exercise baggage behind, and replace it with a

naturally slender life.  So that is my wonderful news.  I'm going to

be part of a family.  The mom support out there is particularly

helpful.  Going from obsessively controlled eating to feeding a

family is like sending a man to the moon.  But you moms out there

have been super helpful.  Merry Christmas and everything else you may

chose to celebrate!

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[Guest guest]

There is a little IOWL back story to all this.  For two and a half months before

our engagement, I was having recurrent, ugly bouts with feeling unworthy.   I

was ready to be engaged, feeling out on a limb, and worrying that I was not

worthy enough to be proposed to.  My body was freaking out,  I was gaining

weight, I was in a state of controlled fear.    It took me six weeks of back and

forth progress on the worthiness fears.  I knew the fear was not about his not

asking, it was really my belief that I was not worthy of being loved by a good

man.  The food part came out of me sideways, I must have been eating too much

because I was gaining weight, but I was also too controlling about food.   I was

gaining weight around my waist primarily - stress induced.

 

I finally had to do some really deep work on worthiness with journaling, 's

conflict resolution, and discussing my work with my Sweetheart.  The most

effective tool was to do 's conflict resolution and affirm to myself that I

was always worthy, even if a person close to me could not accept and recognize

that.  By affirming that I was always worthy, I was affirming my self-love and

respect.  I was finally able to focus on the good things and the excitement of

this time, instead of the fear that I would be cast aside.  I can't say I fully

conquered my fear, but if in the fear came up, I could get it under control in

about five minutes. 

 

The fear of being worthless and unlovable is at the root of my food issues.   I

am glad that I dealt with the fear myself before the engagement became a

poultice simply masking the fear issue with what is real joy.  I am proud that I

wrestled with the worthiness issue (arising from my father and first husband who

were not good by me) before stepping into the next phase.   

 

I hope this helps someone.  Give yourself the gift of worthiness this year.  You

can afford it.  Actually it's free because you really get it from putting down,

releasing and forgiving the barriers to feeling worthy. Thanks for the support. 

I wouldn't feel authentic if you folks did not hear the back story.

[Guest guest]

Wonderful!? Congrats!?

Deedee

[Guest guest]

>

Hi, I'm ,

I'd like to hear more about 's conflict resolution and your

healing on the unworthyness issues. I know it lies behind my eating

disorder and my poor choice in my marital partner. While we have both

grown and changed, I'd never have married him knowing what I know

today. There are still huge issues that he is not willing to deal

with that are hurtful to me. Unfortunately I'm not in a place that

I'm ready or willing to go through a divorce, because that may be

exactly what is needed.

The unworthiness issues came from my childhood and how I was treated

by my parents. I need to remind myself that just because people were

not able to love me in ways that worked does not mean that I am

unloveable. I certainly could use more insight and help in this area

though. ANy suggestions?

>

> There is a little IOWL back story to all this.  For two and a half

months before our engagement, I was having recurrent, ugly bouts with

feeling unworthy.   I was ready to be engaged, feeling out on a limb,

and worrying that I was not worthy enough to be proposed to.  My body

was freaking out,  I was gaining weight, I was in a state of

controlled fear.    It took me six weeks of back and forth progress

on the worthiness fears.  I knew the fear was not about his not

asking, it was really my belief that I was not worthy of being loved

by a good man.  The food part came out of me sideways, I must have

been eating too much because I was gaining weight, but I was also too

controlling about food.   I was gaining weight around my waist

primarily - stress induced.

>  

> I finally had to do some really deep work on worthiness with

journaling, 's conflict resolution, and discussing my work with

my Sweetheart.  The most effective tool was to do 's conflict

resolution and affirm to myself that I was always worthy, even if a

person close to me could not accept and recognize that.  By affirming

that I was always worthy, I was affirming my self-love and

respect.  I was finally able to focus on the good things and the

excitement of this time, instead of the fear that I would be cast

aside.  I can't say I fully conquered my fear, but if in the fear

came up, I could get it under control in about five minutes. 

>  

> The fear of being worthless and unlovable is at the root of my food

issues.   I am glad that I dealt with the fear myself before the

engagement became a poultice simply masking the fear issue with what

is real joy.  I am proud that I wrestled with the worthiness issue

(arising from my father and first husband who were not good by me)

before stepping into the next phase.   

>  

> I hope this helps someone.  Give yourself the gift of worthiness

this year.  You can afford it.  Actually it's free because you really

get it from putting down, releasing and forgiving the barriers to

feeling worthy. Thanks for the support.  I wouldn't feel authentic if

you folks did not hear the back story.

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[Guest guest]

Wow, I am so happy to hear that you have made it this far. This is

the exact thing that I am going through. I am having a hard time

finding my self-worth. I define my worthiness according to my friends

and family, and I need to figure out how to feel worthy on my own.

This is an inspiration to me.

Kirsten

>

>

> There is a little IOWL back story to all this.  For two and a half

months before our engagement, I was having recurrent, ugly bouts with

feeling unworthy.   I was ready to be engaged, feeling out on a limb,

and worrying that I was not worthy enough to be proposed to.  My body

was freaking out,  I was gaining weight, I was in a state of

controlled fear.    It took me six weeks of back and forth progress

on the worthiness fears.  I knew the fear was not about his not

asking, it was really my belief that I was not worthy of being loved

by a good man.  The food part came out of me sideways, I must have

been eating too much because I was gaining weight, but I was also too

controlling about food.   I was gaining weight around my waist

primarily - stress induced.

>  

> I finally had to do some really deep work on worthiness with

journaling, 's conflict resolution, and discussing my work with

my Sweetheart.  The most effective tool was to do 's conflict

resolution and affirm to myself that I was always worthy, even if a

person close to me could not accept and recognize that.  By affirming

that I was always worthy, I was affirming my self-love and

respect.  I was finally able to focus on the good things and the

excitement of this time, instead of the fear that I would be cast

aside.  I can't say I fully conquered my fear, but if in the fear

came up, I could get it under control in about five minutes. 

>  

> The fear of being worthless and unlovable is at the root of my food

issues.   I am glad that I dealt with the fear myself before the

engagement became a poultice simply masking the fear issue with what

is real joy.  I am proud that I wrestled with the worthiness issue

(arising from my father and first husband who were not good by me)

before stepping into the next phase.   

>  

> I hope this helps someone.  Give yourself the gift of worthiness

this year.  You can afford it.  Actually it's free because you really

get it from putting down, releasing and forgiving the barriers to

feeling worthy. Thanks for the support.  I wouldn't feel authentic if

you folks did not hear the back story.

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[Guest guest]

This is a very interesting string of emails. I very often compare

myself to others, people I know or don't know. When I try to

rationalize my envy, I think, ok, yes she's beautiful and has a great

figure, but would I want her husband, children, house, car, etc. No,

probably not. And when I really think about what it is I envy in

others it is their confidence that I am drawn to, which I can have ANY

time. But when I'm not rational, I'm always coming up short in some

way. This journey has really made me realize that I see myself in a

very negative light. When I was in high school I got engaged because

I thought if I didn't marry my beau no one would want me. Now I can't

imagine thinking such a thing at 17! That's the benefit of age, I

guess, but my point is that my unworthiness was cultivated at a very

early age. I have only myself to blame for that. I have wonderful

parents and a loving husband. Nelse, thanks for your post, it has

made me look even more deeply inward.

I wish you all peace, joy, deep gratitude for the blessings in your

life and complete self acceptance this holiday season and into 2009.

Jenn

[Guest guest]

The conflict resolution is a guided journey in which you acknowledge two

different sides of the conflict for the benefits each brings, and get them to

stop fighting.  For me, the unworthy saboteur part of my psych was trying to

protect me from loss of love or rejection.  The unworthy part would make my fear

level rise so high with a parade of horribles and doom, that it became a

self-fulfilling prophecy.  (If you can't love yourself, no one else can)  The

unworthy part of me came out with a vengence against the worthy, lovable me,

almost as punishment for making myself vulnerable in a relationship.  It was a

desparate attempt to protect me.  For the first time (which I credit to some

good work on my own and with ), I saw the saboteur side for what it was

after a few weeks and disarmed it..

 

I realized in the conflict resolution that I was always worthy, even when others

and the unworthy part tried to make me feel unworthy.  It was releasing, like

rewriting history.  A few other tricks have helped move me along:

 

1.

Subject: Re: That kitchen full of food

To: insideoutweightloss

Date: Tuesday, December 23, 2008, 11:16 AM

>

Hi, I'm ,

I'd like to hear more about 's conflict resolution and your

healing on the unworthyness issues. I know it lies behind my eating

disorder and my poor choice in my marital partner. While we have both

grown and changed, I'd never have married him knowing what I know

today. There are still huge issues that he is not willing to deal

with that are hurtful to me. Unfortunately I'm not in a place that

I'm ready or willing to go through a divorce, because that may be

exactly what is needed.

The unworthiness issues came from my childhood and how I was treated

by my parents. I need to remind myself that just because people were

not able to love me in ways that worked does not mean that I am

unloveable. I certainly could use more insight and help in this area

though. ANy suggestions?

>

> There is a little IOWL back story to all this.  For two and a half

months before our engagement, I was having recurrent, ugly bouts with

feeling unworthy.   I was ready to be engaged, feeling out on a limb,

and worrying that I was not worthy enough to be proposed to.  My body

was freaking out,  I was gaining weight, I was in a state of

controlled fear.    It took me six weeks of back and forth progress

on the worthiness fears.  I knew the fear was not about his not

asking, it was really my belief that I was not worthy of being loved

by a good man.  The food part came out of me sideways, I must have

been eating too much because I was gaining weight, but I was also too

controlling about food.   I was gaining weight around my waist

primarily - stress induced.

>  

> I finally had to do some really deep work on worthiness with

journaling, 's conflict resolution, and discussing my work with

my Sweetheart.  The most effective tool was to do 's conflict

resolution and affirm to myself that I was always worthy, even if a

person close to me could not accept and recognize that.  By affirming

that I was always worthy, I was affirming my self-love and

respect.  I was finally able to focus on the good things and the

excitement of this time, instead of the fear that I would be cast

aside.  I can't say I fully conquered my fear, but if in the fear

came up, I could get it under control in about five minutes. 

>  

> The fear of being worthless and unlovable is at the root of my food

issues.   I am glad that I dealt with the fear myself before the

engagement became a poultice simply masking the fear issue with what

is real joy.  I am proud that I wrestled with the worthiness issue

(arising from my father and first husband who were not good by me)

before stepping into the next phase.   

>  

> I hope this helps someone.  Give yourself the gift of worthiness

this year.  You can afford it.  Actually it's free because you really

get it from putting down, releasing and forgiving the barriers to

feeling worthy. Thanks for the support.  I wouldn't feel authentic if

you folks did not hear the back story.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

Sorry, I hit send by accident.

 

Tricks

1.  Take time each day to love your self.  However you do it, curl your hair,

put on your makeup with care, pick out an outfit that make you feel good, take a

bath.  Adorn yourself, because you are worthy of adornment.

 

2.   Practice gratitude for the all the good things you have, even if you can

only begrudgingly be happy to be alive and car that runs.  It will get easier.

 

3.  Be nice to all people.  Enjoy every interaction, even with the check out

person at the store.  Smile.  Say hello in the elevator.  You get all that

energy back.  If your love is not here right now, send it out to the future.  It

will be safe there, and you will get to it in the right time.  But when you send

it out there, remember that it is still all around you now and when it manifests

in the future, it was with you even now... 

 

4.  Don't ask why you are the way you are, ask what you want to be.  Why is just

an opportunity to beat up on yourself.  And if people around you get stuck on

why you are the way your are, you have an obligation to redirect them to what

you want to be.  This might catch some people by surprise, especially if you had

previously been wallowing in the why part.  So be gentle with those around you

when you are acting with changed behavior, and gently guide and explain why you

are moving to what you want. 

 

5.  Most of all, focus on the positive.  Sounds corny, but it works.  I am

having a hysterectomy in two weeks.  I have had plenty of pity parties over the

past four years about it.  I could make it into an winning drama,  But I

decided this was going to be great.  I am making a huge investment in my future

health.  I am ensuring that I won't get really sick in the future because of

health problems.  Woohoo!   It's gonna hurt, and make it so I can't exercise for

a month, but I'm getting a long life out of it.   I'll check back in when I'm

puking in the recovery room

 

6.  Make a concerted effort to have fun.  This is like adorning yourself.  Ever

notice that when you feel unworthy, you aren't allowed to have fun and play? 

 What?  You can't remember what you liked to do to have fun?  You may have to

move around in the world, go shopping, visit with friends.  You will remember

eventually and maybe even find something you never let your self do - do it now.

 

Let me know if you find other things helpful.

[Guest guest]

I feel like this is my Christmas present. Thank you for that Nelse.

I wish you much success in the near and distant future. It sounds

like you've done a lot of work to make your life happy and healthy.

Enjoy it! I will do the same.

Jenn

[Guest guest]

I love this!? It's funny how when you start to change your attitudes about

yourself and your life how all of these little things fall into place.? This has

been a life changing year for me.? A lot has happened in my life and it has

caused me to ask myself, " who am I and who do I want to be? " ? and in that quest,

I've actually started doing many of the things you mention here.? I make it a

point not to leave the house until I've dried and fixed my hair and put some

makeup on and am wearing an outfit I love.? I journal and every night part of my

journaling includes 5 pieces of my day that I'm grateful for.? I've felt like

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and haven't considered other people in

the world like I should, so I try now?to always ask myself how something, even

something small, I do might affect other people...or even the world.? I find it

interesting that these are many of the things you mention and that I know I have

started incorporating them into my everyday life.? It makes me wonder how much

of this?is instinctual when we decide to love ourselves and realize our

self-worth.? I know I still have a very long way to go before I can truly say

and mean that I am worthwhile, but I feel that I'm taking baby steps toward that

end everyday.? I think coming to these conclusions has been a combination of

things I've read, IOWL, and my own therapy sessions these past few months.? And

one more thing I might add to this list is to realize that it's a journey that

we are on and to enjoy it, rather than focus on the end result.?

Deedee

Re: Re: That kitchen full of food

Sorry, I hit send by accident.

?

Tricks

1.? Take time each day to love your self.? However you do it, curl your hair,

put on your makeup with care, pick out an outfit that make you feel good, take a

bath.? Adorn yourself, because you are worthy of adornment.

?

2.?? Practice gratitude for the all the good things you have, even if you can

only begrudgingly be happy to be alive and car that runs.? It will get easier.

?

3.? Be nice to all people.? Enjoy every interaction, even with the check out

person at the store.? Smile.? Say hello in the elevator.? You get all that

energy back.? If your love is not here right now, send it out to the future.? It

will be safe there, and you will get to it in the right time.? But when you send

it out there, remember that it is still all around you now and when it manifests

in the future, it was with you even now...?

?

4.? Don't ask why you are the way you are, ask what you want to be.? Why is just

an opportunity to beat up on yourself.? And if people around you get stuck on

why you are the way your are, you have an obligation to redirect them to what

you want to be.? This might catch some people by surprise, especially if you had

previously been wallowing in the why part.? So be gentle with those around you

when you are acting with changed behavior, and gently guide and explain why you

are moving?to what you want.?

?

5.? Most of all, focus on the positive.? Sounds corny, but it works.? I am

having a hysterectomy in two weeks.? I have had plenty of pity parties over the

past four years about it.? I could make it into an winning drama,? But I

decided this was going to be great.? I am making a huge investment in my future

health.? I am ensuring that I won't get really sick in the future because of

health problems.? Woohoo!?? It's gonna hurt, and make it so I can't exercise for

a month, but I'm getting a long life out of it.? ?I'll check back in when I'm

puking in the recovery room

?

6.? Make a concerted effort to have fun.? This is like adorning yourself.? Ever

notice that when you feel unworthy, you aren't allowed to have fun and play??

?What?? You can't remember what you liked to do to have fun?? You may have to

move around in the world, go shopping, visit with friends.? You will remember

eventually and maybe even find something you never let your self do - do it now.

?

Let me know if you find other things helpful.

[Guest guest]

I agree, Dee Dee. I've started taking better care of myself at

bedtime and in the morning. I put on jewelry and makeup even on the

days I am not going anywhere, simply because I am worth the effort.

It makes me feel good to look good and don't you know I have stopped

avoiding mirrors. I can look in a mirror and like what I see. Long

story short, I stopped listening for a while and when I started again

I had an epiphany - that at my core, I don't trust my own instincts

and I never have. It leaves me paralyzed with indecision. I realized

that when I have to decide something, I ask everyone's advice rather

than checking in with myself. I made a huge faux pas at work last

week and thought it might be a bad idea as I was doing it, but I

ignored the voice inside my head and ended up apologizing heartily to

a co-worker, who forgave me. I couldn't forgive myself for a day and

a half until I told myself that I am learning to trust myself and need

to make room for mistakes. I feel like much of my issues stem from

that lack of self-trust. No wonder I can't accept myself? Who likes

people they don't trust? No wonder I am on anti-anxiety meds? I have

a lot of work to do here, but I feel positive in the knowing.

Jenn

[Guest guest]

I agree that there is alot of truth here.  Getting off the mentally destructive

merry-go-round is nearly impossible if you focus on it.  I find it is very

helpful to diffuse my thoughts about the issue I am obsessing over..  Sometimes

diffusing means, thinking about something entirely different..   

 

It is so eye opening when you are in a bad situation and you realize that the

only badness is in your head and no where else.  You have the choice to continue

that thought or move on to something else.  It's a little Eckhart Tolle whom I

don't listen to because his voice drives me nuts.  I am also working on

" rewriting " my history.  Not being delusional, but taking the emotional

charge from negative experiences, and looking back at them as facts - maybe even

good ones because they got me where I am today.  Why can't the positive go

backwards?

 

Now I need to get a shower and get cute because I am headed out.

 

Nelse

[Guest guest]

-I love these posts! They are awesome and inspiring. I've also been

taking the extra time to take care of myself. I bring my bag to the

gym with my blow dryer, make up, velcro rollers, and after I work

out, I take the time to shower, clean up and make myself look good.

It feels nice and I walk out the door feeling refreshed and cared for.

I also like the smiling at others and being nice. I am a martial

artist and chief instructor at my own academy. One of the things we

are a part of is called the Ultimate Black Belt test. It is a year

long test and includes several projects and 1000 random acts of

kindness. That's 3 to 4 random acts of kindness a day. I try and

instill the belief in my students that being a black belt is not

about what they do inside the academy but how they interact in the

world outside.

You all gava alot of great suggestions. I think I'll save the list

that got sent by accident! I've started my success journal and think

I will expand it to include a daily gratitude list.

-- In insideoutweightloss , " msbibafrog "

wrote:

>

> I agree, Dee Dee. I've started taking better care of myself at

> bedtime and in the morning. I put on jewelry and makeup even on the

> days I am not going anywhere, simply because I am worth the effort.

> It makes me feel good to look good and don't you know I have stopped

> avoiding mirrors. I can look in a mirror and like what I see. Long

> story short, I stopped listening for a while and when I started

again

> I had an epiphany - that at my core, I don't trust my own instincts

> and I never have. It leaves me paralyzed with indecision. I

realized

> that when I have to decide something, I ask everyone's advice rather

> than checking in with myself. I made a huge faux pas at work last

> week and thought it might be a bad idea as I was doing it, but I

> ignored the voice inside my head and ended up apologizing heartily

to

> a co-worker, who forgave me. I couldn't forgive myself for a day

and

> a half until I told myself that I am learning to trust myself and

need

> to make room for mistakes. I feel like much of my issues stem from

> that lack of self-trust. No wonder I can't accept myself? Who

likes

> people they don't trust? No wonder I am on anti-anxiety meds? I

have

> a lot of work to do here, but I feel positive in the knowing.

>

> Jenn

>