Father's who can't handle their child's OCD

[Guest guest]

Vickie,

I just had to respond to this as my husband and I just Friday had a big argument

about this. It all started when they came into town to meet me for lunch after

I did my holiday shopping. As they were walking across the parking lot, he

dropped my younger daughter's headband (he was carrying her). He asked my 14-yr

old to pick it up for him, but she ignored him and kept walking (asphalt is one

of her contamination fears). He got mad and handled it badly; I went off on

him. I also explained to my daughter that it's ok to say if she doesn't want to

do something because of the OCD; it's better than ignoring people and making

them think she's just being snotty.

So we got into a big argument specifically about his lack of involvement. I'm

the one who got her into a therapist and diagnosed, figured out the insurance,

made numerous phone calls, set up all the appointments, go to the appts with her

(he doesn't get off til 5, I get off at 2:30), do the exposure stuff at home,

etc. His biggest thing is he doesn't like problems or conflicts; he'll deal with

it if he can't get around it, but likes to avoid things if at all possible. On

the opposite side, I tend to worry (dare I say obsess??) over problems, research

it to death, find all the possible routes, everything I can think of. To me,

knowledge is power. Now if I weren't around, I do think he would have done a

fine job of getting her taken care of, but it's just the pattern we've fallen

into that I take care of the problems and put all the stress on myself.

I think the hardest thing for him is that it changes from day to day; one day

she might be over-the-top afraid of something, and the next day she can face it

to a better extent. I AM certain that he, like me, wishes she would just wake

up cured and everything would go back to " normal " . He is very accepting of

whatever happens with her down the road; I just have to remind myself he'll take

longer to get where I am because I'm the one who's read all this stuff about

OCD, whereas reading has never been his strong point either. Perhaps you could

have your husband talk with your son's therapist and ask any questions of his

own. Maybe coming from a professional would carry more weight and help him

understand it better. Just some thoughts and to let you know you're not alone!

Debbie

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[Guest guest]

Hi! My 9 year old daughter has OCD, and sometimes I feel so disappointed that I

have a child with such a down outlook on life.  Then I remember that I was like

her and now I have a really positive one and am having a good life.  I am

writing this just to let you know that I was just like your daughter and I have

a " successful " life, so don't grieve yet for your hopes for her.  After

treatment and getting on medication, I got my graduate degree, started a

teaching career, eventually moved out on my own, and now have 9 year old twins.

 Life is good for me, and it can be for her too.  I think what really helped

me was that I have great drive to succeed, but also that my parents always told

me that they knew I could do anything I set my mind to.  Keep letting your

daughter know that the world is her oyster too, despite the OCD.

Re: Father's who can't handle their child's OCD

Vicki:

Couple of comments...

First, I really relate to your husband right now. My daughter is 19

and currently at a treatment facility (). We've had lots of ups

and downs over the past four years. I am very aware that I am still

grieving for that bright little girl who was so inquisitive and who

wa

s going to set the world on fire, and who is now struggling with the

basic mechanics of getting through the day. It's hard.

Secondly, I think it will help you in all this if you can refrain from

reminding your husband that he is in pain. He will run away from that

very fast, and go into more denial.

Thirdly, your husband may well be facing his own OCD issues that he

has been unaware of or suspected.

I think that appealing to his guy sense of problem-solving may be

helpful. Try pitching it that way: " Regardless of what we feel, or

what we think, the best expert advice suggests that we do THIS to fix

the problem, and it's not that our son just needs to grow up a little.

It's uncomfortable for both of us to get help about this, but it's

like going to the mechanic for engine work on the car. " I would stay

away from talking to your husband about his feelings or your feelings.

That can come later on, but if you push that he will run away from

the reality of it faster.

Just a few thoughts based on what you said and my own experiences.

They may or may apply. Hope this helps. Let us know.

>

> Hi all,

>

> I don't know what to do about this one. My DH won't go into

> counseling, so I don't know how to help him come to terms with our 9

> 1/2 year olds OCD.... I told him, I truly20think he is mourning not

> having the child he thought we would have and that is okay to be

> sad... He told me I was wrong, that he isn't sad for himself, but for

> our son...

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Vicki, have to say I love ' suggestions! Don't know that I

can add anything to it.

But I looked back at some of your previous posts to refresh my memory

about your son and his OC behaviors and saw that he also has ADHD and

you mentioned some recent bullying at school and that he's anxious

about going back after break. -- Has he gone back yet? How'd that

go?

It seems he has a LOT on him right now. Having been bullied myself

when younger and in school, that's a LOT of anxiety, stress and also

can cause some easy-to-anger issues that he also has to deal with.

And certainly doesn't help his OCD, probably worsens it a bit. Might

worsen the ADHD behavior some too?

Your other child with ADHD - is that under control? Wondering were

the ADHD issues anything your husband seemed to understand better?

Like you, I've also had my minor OCD issues at times. " Minor " in

that I also managed to push by them. When young/teen, I went thru

some counting, a bit of germ issues and some scrupulosity type

thoughts (scrupe having to do with religion, God, etc.). My 19 yr

old OCD son began with scrupe issues in high school, constant bad

thoughts, trying to be " good " Christian, having blasphemous thoughts

towards God, Jesus and I don't know what else, he won't talk to me

about his actual thoughts much (but I can hear some of then when he

is in another room " venting " ). And anything I have ever suggested to

him to try regarding his thoughts that worked for me either doesn't

work for him or he just won't try; and then maybe it really was just

easier for me, his OCD is just worse. And then I guess maybe I have

some better grasp on what OCD is than he does so easier for me to

work against it. Even I just want to say to him " stop it!! "

sometimes, LOL. And thinking so much about HIS scrupe has pricked my

own to act back up some, sigh. But I can just shrug off the thoughts

pretty well, he can't, dwells on them. (No, he's not on medication,

refuses any)

My son's OCD first began in 6th grade and he then had all these

compulsions and rituals, totally different from now. I know it seems

like where you and I found it somewhat " easy " to get past our OCD

problems, it just wasn't the same for my son. I used to get

frustrated in that he didn't seem to be working on fighting OCD, just

seemed to let OCD be in control as he went through his compulsions,

etc. I said something in frustration to him one day (one of many,

LOL) and he sort of put me in my place, saying he WAS fighting

against it and how the heck did I think HE feels, he's the one with

OCD! and he began to cry. And I realized it was a constant fight for

him during the day, internally where I couldn't see and he was hating

OCD and frustrated with it much more than I was.

Do you think your husband would understand more if you talked about

OCD in more " technical " type terms like it's a " chemical imbalance "

with the neurotransmitters... Like this excerpt from a site: " OCD

appears to be related to the abnormal functioning of circuits of

nerve cells in specific areas of the brain. OCD is not the result of

family problems or childhood experiences. Brain imaging techniques,

such as positron emission tomography (PET) scans have provided the

opportunity for doctors to compare people with and without OCD.

People with OCD have patterns of brain activity that differ from

people with other mental illnesses or people with no mental illness.

In addition, PET scans reveal that medication and behavioural therapy

in patients with OCD produce changes in the brain. These changes may

explain the clinical improvements that result from psychotherapy and

medication. "

Well, as I said, I loved ' suggestions! Do keep us updated on

how things are going. That was one good thing about being single, I

didn't have to explain anything to his dad or a boyfriend, etc.

Though 's brothers didn't fully understand for a while either,

I did have to defend him to them sometimes.

>

> Hi all,

>

> I don't know what to do about this one. My DH won't go into

> counseling, so I don't know how to help him come to terms with our

9

> 1/2 year olds OCD.... I told him, I truly think he is mourning not

> having the child he thought we would have and that is okay to be

> sad... He told me I was wrong, that he isn't sad for himself, but

for

> our son...

>

> The problem is that every time my DH is fed up, he will make

comments

> like he just needs to grow up or he's just immature! I don't know

how

> to deal with this. I have asked him to research, he is an educated