On rule-governed behavior - Of Family rules.. .

[Guest guest]

Hello All,

Relative to Communication, not so much about " how " to, (that's of

doing it?!.) but what it's for, in teaching It.. .;=)*

Here's a quip that might hit home. Children are " not " a constant

joy.. . That's a fact?!. That's also the first line of

Kay's book, Family Rules: Raising Responsible Children. It

can " really " fill in the gaps, where reason " is " concerned.. .

How to stop arguing or lecturing (or " spoiling " your child-

student? .. .) and instead establish clear rules with consequences

(Phase two of Educate Toward Recovery? .. . I haven't actually read

the " whole " book yet.. .)(Gettin' there..)(Nice writing, so far.)

Children feel more secure when they know the limits of acceptable

behavior. In that respect, of " Communication, " what it's all about,

in developing it... (?!) I present this " free " condensation of the

essence of Family Rules and Parent Effectiveness Training, as " I "

see it, from a regular (C+ " Individual, " below.. .;=)(A " leader, " of

sorts.. .).

Enjoy. Feedback would be welcome. Oh, and when things aren't going

well with your teaching/programming, don't forget to take care of

yourself (!)(what you " should " be good at by now? .. .). You're kid

will catch on, to that? .. . If you can't please your self you

certainly can't please anyone else, " meaningfully, " (could you?) nor

could you possibly teach it, thereof. (Yes?) So, some of us might

need a " break " in this respect of that? A change is as good as a

rest.. .

Keep an Open mind (!)

Enjoy. Please do.. .

Begins:

Taking Control of Your Family

Annette Nay, MS

Copyright © 1999

First: You need to make your relationship with your husband (sic)

stronger/closer. When you are close and care about each the bond

between you is stronger. The children sense this and know that they

can't play Mom or Dad against each other.

Second: The both of you represent the parental front. The parietal

front has to be united and strong. This is the front or force that

is the wall or boundaries that your children will constantly test or

hit when they choose to see if the rules still have consequences.

Children need these boundaries and so do the two of you, especially

when they reach teenage years. They will run right over you if your

wall is not strong and the both of you are not unified.

First: A Positive Change in the Marital Relationship

Have a " Date Night " at least once a week.

Have fun alone and enjoy each other's company.

You don't have to spend money, necessarily, to have a date. Go

window shopping, go for a walk in the park, go hiking, cloud watch

for fun shapes, star gazing, farm out the kids and have a home

candlelight dinner for two. Dress up for dinner and include romantic

music.

Whatever you do you both need to be on your best behavior. No

arguing and no put-downs!

No kids allowed. Make arrangements with other couples that need a

date night to swap baby-sitting for each other.

You need to stop tearing down each other because it leads to an

abusive relationship and the destruction of the marriage. The

following is a abuse continuum that builds upon each other and gets

more and more abusive and violent as the relationship deteriorates.

Check out how it happens....

Abuse Continuum

Jokes about habits, characteristics, or faults of partner

Ignoring or denying partner's feelings or needs

Withholding affection or approval as punishment

Yelling, shouting, invading partner's personal space

Name-calling, insults

Insulting or ridiculing beliefs, religion. family, race, etc. . .

Repeated insults, labeling, and/or name-calling

(e.g. " Stupid " " Jerk " " Crazy " etc. . . )

Repeated humiliation (private an/or public)

Controlling (insisting s/he dresses a certain way, having him/her

account or his/her actions, controlling with whom s/he associates,

not letting him/her have a job, not giving him/her a role in making

decisions, etc. . .)

Blaming partner for your abuse or behavior

Manipulating partner with lies and contradictions (playing " mind

games " )

Slamming doors, hitting walls, breaking objects (displays of anger

and violence)

Threats of violence or retaliation (either direct or implicit)

Threats of violence to his/her family, children, friends

Puts downs about abilities as a parent, person, worker, partner

Demanding all partner's attention and resenting children

Throwing objects at partner

Jealousy (accusations, following him/her, making him/her account for

his/her time. etc.. .)

Isolation (scaring or driving away friends and family, insisting

that partner not work or be involved in activities without you,

depriving him/her money, etc. . .)

Manipulating others against partner destroying meaningful

possessions

Threats to get custody, abuse, or kidnapping children

Threats to hurt or kill him/her or children

Suicide threats/attempts

Hurting or killing pets

Suicide/Homicid

(Excerpt from Male Awareness Program (MAP) in Anchorage, AK 1997)

Instead of ragging on each other, find things to brag on each other.

It is amazing the difference... You lift him up and he in turn lifts

you up.

Try to find the good points of your mate. See if you can rediscover

the things that that caused to fall in love with each other.

Treat each other like newlyweds and see what happens.

Spend time talking to each. Use active listening.

Active Listening

Annette Nay, MS

Most people do not truly listen. They are too busy planning what

they will say when the other person pauses.

Active listening is an art that takes practice, but it is not hard.

This skill involves listen to everything the other person says, and

trying to understanding it fully.

When the other person speaks give your full attention and look

her/him straight in the eyes.

To understand it fully, the person needs to rephrase what s/he

thinks s/he heard. Often times we each come from different

backgrounds and have been taught what some words have a different

meaning. Also we may not be seeing the same subject from the same

point of view. Rephrasing will help you to find out if you both are

on the same page, so to speak.

If you rephrase what has been said and the person says, " No that's

not it! " Then Listen for more information or ask questions to help

you understand. Then when you think you understand fully, then you

say, " Then what you are say is..... " When the speaker finally agrees

with you then you nave actually communicated and active listening

has been a success.

Example:

Speaker: That teacher doesn't grade fairly.

Lister: The teacher must grade on the level. An " A " is 90 and above.

A " B " is 80 and above and so on instead of grading on the curve.

The Speaker really meant that she wouldn't let student make up tests

they missed not matter the reason.

A person who is actively listening is not busy giving advise or

disagreeing or agreeing. The sole job is to listen and find out if

what s/he is hearing is correct.

Active listening helps people to be closer.

Reference

Options Unlimited, (1990). Mediation.

Second: A Strong Parental Front

Make joint rules that you both can support 100%.

If you already have some rules that you both can support then make

set consequences to go with these rules. Consequences are those

sanctions or punishment that will be carried out every time that the

rules are broken. Natural consequences are usually the best. Example

of a rule and its consequence:

RULE: You are responsible for what your friends do in our home.

CONSEQUENCE: If your friends vandalize our home then:

They are not welcome in our home. You will pay or work off the cost

to replace the damage. So choose your friends wisely and don't let

them do things they shouldn't. Explain the rules to them. Don't let

them be alone in our home to do damage while you are elsewhere. You

may ask for them to pay for the damage. You are grounded until the

damage is worked off or paid for. Accidents do happen. We do not

charge for honest accidents but we do for vandalism and accidents

that are the result of doing things you shouldn't be doing.

Work on rules that he likes that you can't stand or visa-versa.

Bring them to the bargaining table along with ideas or solutions to

make them workable, livable, and enforceable.

All rule/consequence making is a closed door session.

Children are not allowed.

This is not a time for hot tempers. These sessions are to be done

with a prayer at the beginning for insight and cool tempers, and end

with prayer for thanks giving for the help! Always bring God to

these bargaining sessions.

You both must be able to support the rules and the consequences for

not keeping the rules every time, even when one of you is away.

When a session is over, take the jointly decided rules and

consequences to the children together. He is the head of the home so

he can present them but the language should be such that the

children know that the rules came from both of you. Example: " Your

mother and I have gone over these rules and have decided

consequences that will happen every time someone chooses to break

the rules. " It is your job to look the children in the eyes and nod

your head that he has told the truth.

After the rules and consequences are discussed with the children,

post them in a prominent place in the home that the children can see

them. Keep a second set for you, in case the children's copy gets

destroyed or disappears mysteriously.

As the children get older they will question the right of some rules

to exist. Have them suggest how the rule could be changed to make it

fairer. Tell them that you will take it up with Father to see if it

will hold water, so to speak. Rules need to grow with the children.

Example: The time that a child must be home in the evening will vary

with the age of the child and the circumstance. House hold chores

will vary with ability and age of the child.

You and your spouse know exactly what the rules are so when a child

come you one of you saying that the other said that something that

is against the rules is all right, you will instantly know that the

child is not telling the truth because a rule must be changed by

both of you. The item is not allowed to happen until a closed-door

session is held by both parents to discuss the issue at hand. In

this way the children quickly learn that they can not play one

against the other. There should also be a consequence for this

shifty maneuver.

Some parents make the mistake that because they now have adult

children living in them that they cannot tell the adult children how

to act in their home. This is untrue. Remember this is your

sanctuary and the rules of the home still stand for all who live

there whether it be adult children of aging parents who have moved

in.

How to Carryout the Consequences

There will be no more yelling! Just matter-of-factly say to the

child, " I am sorry you chose to break the rule. Now ____________

will happen (the consequence). Then do it. There is not more reason

for screaming. Your not frustrated, wondering what to do because you

already know what to do. If you forget what the consequence is for

this infraction just go look at the children's copy that is posted

or your own copy.

You may choose to help facilitate the child's ability to get through

the consequence, but never do it for him/her. Example: Rule: You

cannot go out with friends until your daily work is done. The child

has not taken out the garbage and mopped the kitchen floor. Child's

friend is at the door asking your child to come out to play. You say

to your child, " is at the door and wants you to go biking with

him. You haven't had me check your work yet, let's go do that now. "

You and he go look. Take the book with the list of what has to be

done. You can see that some things are done and other things are

not. Dwell on the positive and play down the negative. You say, " I

can see that the cupboards are cleaned off and so is the table. They

look really good. Thank you! The dishes are put away. I know that

chore is not one of your favorites. I'm glad you chose to do it

early. Congratulations. Well, all you have left then is moping and

the garbage out. Look, I know is in a hurry to go so how long

will it take you to get the garbage out in the can? About two

minutes? Then all you have left is the moping. Look I know a way for

you to it well and it doesn't take very long. I'll go get my

favorite rag. It always does a good job, while you take the garbage

out. Then we will have you out of here in minutes and won't

have to wait long either. " You have just positively reinforced what

the child did well or right and gave him a positive boost into

finishing the rest painlessly for both of you. When he does finish

praise him for doing is well and quickly. Give him a pat on the

back. You both leave with a smile. That is positive facilitation.

Before you levy a consequence take time to check out the whole

story. A child's point of view may be wildly fabricated to let you

hear what they think you want to hear. Do not let the first story

you hear be the only point of view you have to act upon. At least

50% of the time you will be sorry. There is always time to seek out

the whole truth. Then you can wisely levy the consequence. The child

will not like it but s/he will know that you were fair and that s/he

can get be treated fairly in the future, although they may not admit

this out loud.

There will be times that you have searched for the truth and there

still seems at least two stories. Study it out the best that you can

then make a decision. Then tell the children that you will be back

in a few minutes that you will take it to the Lord. You should have

them do the same. Then come back and discuss the results together.

Making a Job's List Book

Get a three ring binder with plastic protector pages.

Have a master book for yourself and one for the family.

Put a section in the book for each child.

In each child's section in the protector pages should appear a list

of things the child is to accomplish to have his/her work done for

the day.

In the last section is the Jobs Descriptions section. For example:

Clean the bathroom. Would have under it. Clean the toilet with a

disinfectant. Listed under this would be: clean the top and sides of

the tank, clean the top and bottom of the seat, clean the bowl

inside and out, clean the base of the toilet and the floor around

the toilet. Each item would be on a separate line so they would

distinctly stand out and could bee seen in a glance. Each item to be

cleaned in the bathroom would be written out just like it was done

for cleaning the toilet.

Instead of just giving the list to the child, the child receives on

the job training. S/He cleans while you sweetly supervise the first

time. That way the child knows exactly what clean looks like to you.

In your family each day's work can be different or Monday through

Friday can be the same with Saturday having extra responsibilities

that can be saved for Saturday or done through out the week as time

presents itself. Have the children come up with they're way to split

up the jobs and when jobs rotate to another child.

Deciding when the jobs will be done is a good thing for the children

to decide democratically. That way they feel they have a say. This

helps them buy into the whole process. It is their plan. This plan

can change if the children wish it to. Your children may like to

keep the same jobs for a month. Others like to have it change weekly

or daily.

It really doesn't when the jobs rotate as long as the work is done

and checked off daily by a parent. This must be done consistently by

both the children and the parents.

Set a deadline for work to be done each day. Set consequences for

its not being done.

Other Ways to stop the Yelling

Use:

1. Family scripture reading

2. Attend church together.

3. Family Prayer, morning and night.

4. Family Home Evening

5. Have Family Councils as needed. See the article " Family Council "

under the section: Healthy Families.

6. Be consistent in enforcing the rules and the consequences.

7. Read and incorporate these articles into your family:

[You teach Communication by Communicating. (For what It's

worth.. .;=)* MG.]