Re: christmas letters/ and others

[Guest guest]

Thanks, ,for adding this (and to the others who responded). I

beleive we both have 20-something daughters dealing with OCD and not

managing collge too well (my dd does not drive, for one thing). So

neither, she nor my 16 yr old, nor my 12 yr old feel like writing

about their lives.

I have written to my in-laws a few times and sent information

including email links to acclimate them to the idea that the OCD is

not just a minor glitch in our lives (two daughters have been in

residential treatment, son is currently out of school) but it seems

to go in one ear out the other. Or is it that they just want the type

of news that they can spread around to their friends like they do

about the other cousins- so a " keeping up the apearances " account of

the year would suit their wishes.

So I don't know if it is worth trying to maintain more than a

superficial relationship-though they seem to want more than that, but

they don't make it easy. My mil has OCD (or is it a personality

disorder?) she has a sweet girlish side (maybe she never quite grew

up due to her anxioeties and dependence on my FIL, which is fine by

me if one does not become tyrannical towards others) but other times

she is shockingly insulting and fixated on her OCD based notions of

what is correct and proper-which comes across as extremely critical

and controlling. Also you don't know quite what will set her off. I

think my FIL goes along to not rock the boat which I can understand.

So this is ok for us as adults- we can deal with it, but what about

grandchildren? Especially those that are already vulnerable in their

self-esteem? They get very hurt; they have been yelled at and

verbally insulted when the " other side " comes out in Grammy-ie her

OCD/anxiety is triggered. To me it is shocking but it seems to just

get brushed off or not addressed as if we should go on and pretend it

did not happen. Visiting in her house is miserable. We stayed away

for 11 yrs (they came to us instead) but made mistake of giving it a

shot again, due to their repeated requests, this summer, and had an

awful time (the OCD is centered alot on her home's order and

neatness). So I chalk it up to undiagnosed OCD (and wonder how this

affected my Dh growing up something he rarely talks about).

Ironic that this should make it so hard to get understanding for our

kids (and our unconventional way of life due to 3 kids with severe

OCD and spectrums) though. I feel like my kids are actually more

mature in a way that they recognize their OCD and though it stalls

their development, and they perhaps have not had great success in

working on it (at least not according to standards for reaching

milestones on time and getting lockstep into that preconceived

trajectory) that at least they are not blind to the OCD and thus

thinking it is the measure of all that is right or wrong with others.

I guess the term I'm looking at is humbleness or self-knowledge.

Having said all that I am still at a loss how or whether to get my

kids to compose newsy holiday notes per Grammie's request. My 16yr

old actually wants to send her 20 dollars back with a note reminding

Grammie that she yelled " I wish I never had grandkids " to her during

this summer's visit. (Two of our neices who live 30 minutes away

have actually nver visted my inlaws in their home). But I said not

to, we may not know how badly she feels about all this inside.

nancy grace

>

> When I was working in the mental health field years ago our agency

had

> an intern (getting MSW) who was very astute and very smart and an

open

> book with her own life and issues. Her Christmas letters were

> extremely open and forthcoming, including (if I recall correctly)

her

> daughter's premarital pregnancy, other children's struggles with

> depression and substance use, financial problems, marriage issues,

> etc. It was a little too much information but I admired her for

> writing a real Christmas letter and not worrying about the

competitive

> aspect. You know the feelings we all get when we read that little

> ny has finished his PhD and got his driver's license because he

> finally turned 16, while darling Martha established a trust fund for

> homeless families from the proceeds earned from the book she wrote

> detailing her experiences as a high school intern working for the

> Mother Theresa orphanage last summer vacation.

>

>

> We have struggled with what to write and how to put things

concerning

> our family's journey with OCD. In fact, as we usually do, we let

our

> son write the letter which we each then have edit power over. He

kind

> of blurted out that our daughter was " not doing anything " and in an

> OCD program in Wisconsin. We, of course, nixed this, and 17-year-

old

> son was pretty immature - " well, it's the TRUTH, isn't it? " We saw

> that he was dealing with his own feelings and anger about his sister

> having this condition interrupt her life.

>

> We do want to let friends and family know what's happening, but on

the

> other hand it's tough to know how this will be received. For one, a

> lot of people disdain any kind of mental health information. They

just

> don't see mental illness as " valid " unless it's full-blown

> schizophrenia. Secondly, we have family members who are very

> religious and we don't want to hear any lectures. Thirdly, it

feels

> very one-sided and awkward to share what's happening when most of

our

> friends' kids are more-or-less on track with their college-age

lives.

>

> Just some thoughts...

>

>

[Guest guest]

:

That's really tough for everyone involved, isn't it. Kids have to

deal with a difficult grandmother and grandmother pushes away the

relationships she craves. Sounds like you're on the right track,

having educated the kids that grandma has issues and not to take it

personally.

A lot of people are asking me " so, is (daughter) home from college for

vacation? " What I say depends on who is asking. I just can't share

this family situation, and the fact that she just returned from

, with a lot of people. A lot of friends wouldn't understand,

even with education, it's like the Christmas letter - it's just not

appropriate to tell everyone everything personal in the name of

honesty. One wouldn't want to hear about the hemmorhoid surgeries,

right?

In this regard I think that Grandma is on to something with her

Christmas letter request. It sounds fine to me to write short and

newsy and cheery notes, focusing on the positive stuff, and save the

real news for friends who can understand. It's like trying to share

OCD information with Grandma - she resents it and you feel frustrated.

Why cast pearls before swine? (okay, no more Bible homilies.) But

seriously, it's a painful but worthy life lesson for your kids to

learn that it's very good and appropriate to be superficially engaging

with many people in life, and to develop those social skills.

I have seen with my daughter that she lacks the ability to be socially

fluent - she sees this as superficial. In high school she had

boyfriend relationships that were deep and long and involved long

hushed phone calls. All normal to a point, but she didn't have much

fun, didn't go to movies much with friends, wouldn't have any " light "

dates, etc. She needs some light, chatty, limited social contacts,

and her OCD has, in part, prevented her from developing those skills.

When you visit the inlaws do you stay in her house or a motel? Having

timed and limited visits might make everyone feel better.

Thanks for sharing,