Re: Father's who can't handle their child's OCD/

[Guest guest]

Barb:

Thanks for the reply.

It is really important to keep in mind that men are, to varying

degrees, wired a little differently than women when it comes to family

and life problem-solving. This is not a rigid stereotype across the

board, but rather an observation I have made from being a family

counselor as well as a Dad myself.

As a practical matter, the worst thing one can do is start telling

your partner where they are failing, and telling a guy " you're in

denial, you don't know what the real problem is, you can't fix this "

just cuts him down at the knees, and getting his help is a lost

prospect. Sometimes it's great to elicit the help of someone who seems

less emotionally involved, to help pull you out of the middle of the

maelstrom.

That car analogy is great. " Look, if you start hearing an odd sound

from your car, what do you do? - ignore it until you have to rebuild

the engine, or open up the hood and start diagnosing what's up?

That's what we're doing when we talk about this problem in the family. "

Daughter is scheduled to come home in a few weeks. We have hopes that

she will manage independent life much better, with the goal of her

living in an apartment then next spring returning to school. But

we'll see how she is able to manage the little crises that make up a

lot of life.

Guy stuff again: I can say that I have never felt more hopeless or

ineffective or incompetent. It's tough to offer support when you feel

like you've got nothing to give, and suspect that you're the root of

the problem. This OCD stuff is not for the faint of heart, and it's

challenged all my notions of what being a father is.

> Hi ,

>

> Just wanted to say how great it is to hear a father's perspective and

> suggestions on this. It reminds me to consider my both my husband's

> son's avoidance at times - male running from pain... And to focus on

> logic rather than emotion with solutions. So thank you for these

> reminders.

>

> Also want to wish you all the best with your daughter and her

> treatment at . I hope she gains the tools she needs to turn

> the disorder around. It sounds like it has been a long haul for your

> daughter and your family, I truly hope you are headed in a better

> direction now.

>

> Warmly,

> Barb

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to share with everyone a poem that has helped me so much in times

of dispair and feeling helpless. It reminds us that all the pain and suffering

we go through ( and our children go throuh) is a door. A door to better things,

an opportunity. Reframing the helplesness keeps me going in times of dispair. I

hope it gives at least one ofyou some relief. So here it is:

From " Abre la Puerta " by Clarrisa Pinkola Estes

" And, oh, the world that is young and has loved so deeply

and been betrayed, whose skin hangs like rags

and whose arms have no muscle and whose eyes have lost luster;

open the door of your heartaches and step through the door of your betrayal.

Pass through the hole that is left in your heart.

Pass through because it is a door.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

Do you remember that your legs are el anillo, the ring that circles the lover?

Your legs make a door, pass through the door,

Abre la Puerta pass the bulb through.

Open the door, the most sacred of doors,

the trail through your belly and the road up your spine.

Remember, fire is a door.

and song is a door. A scar is a door.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

The forest on fire is a door

and the ocean ruined is a door.

Anything that needs us

or calls us to God is a door.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

Anything that hurts us,

anything that needs us opens the door.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

All of these years of seeming indestructibility,

the grandfather of your world dies

and his heart explodes

and yours breaks into a thousand pieces.

These are doors. Open the doors.

Abre la Puerta. Pass through these doors.

The world is a tribe of one-breasted women.

Walk through the door of the scars on their chest.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

Over the edge of the world you go,

into the abyss. You march in time.

And put the best medicine in the worst of the wounds.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

The lake in which you almost drowned, that is a door.

The slap in the face that made you kiss the floor, that is a door.

The betrayal that sent you straight to hell, that is a door.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

Same old story, all strong souls first go to hell

before they do the healing of the world they came here for.

If we are lucky we return to help those still trapped below.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

Hell is a door caused by pain.

Opening a flower, rain opening the Earth

the kisses of humans opening the heart of the world

these are doors.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

The scar drawn by razors, that is a door.

The scars that are doors are opened, are opened.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

The scars drawn by chainsaws across forests, those are doors.

The poem of new life that comes every dawn,

the soaring of sun, that is a door, the grave is a door.

The door to hell is a door.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

Your grandmother, your grandfather,

your mother, your father have died leaving a hole in your life.

Step through that hole. It is an opening.

That hole is a threshold. That hole is a door.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

Abre la Puerta, open the door.

Abre la Puerta, open the door. "

©Copyright 1980, 2007, Dr. C.P. Estes, All Rights Reserved.

From La Pasionaria, Collected Works, Poetry of Clarissa Pinkola Estes,

forthcoming from Alfred A. Knopf. Reprinted here by kind permission of author.