Re: Sick

May 22, 2001

Hi ,

I can really understand how you feel. I, too, spent all my life being the

responsible one, held accountable for others mistakes, did all I could for nada

and family and still found myself on the crappy end of the stick. That knot in

your stomach is a close friend of mine as well.

If I understand right, she kicked you out of the house and yet expects you

to sit across from her and plan a party? For a sister who has been black listing

you, with her support? No wonder you feel as you do!

I, too, missed my nada horribly. When she would call to see me, I would

allow whatever terms she set. ( couldn't take my girls, had to be in my car, had

to pay for the gas if it was a long trip, I think your getting the idea.) I had

to stop that way of thinking. I can only suggest what I personally had to do.

When my nada invited me to the restaurant I went with an idea of what I wanted

to discuss. ( for ex. my sex life was not to be a subject!). I kept her on the

subject. I didn't let her veer off into another direction. I told her, at one

point when she was really pushing, that I would have to leave if we couldn't

talk to each other without being mean. And to be honest with you, I ended up

having to get up and walk out, leaving her there.

I, too, had my nada tell me that I was jealous of my sister. I see now that

that was what she wanted to see and that there was nothing I could say, or do

for that matter, to make her see differently. No matter how hard I denied it,

she seemed that more determined to see me that way. Banged my head against the

wall for years over that one. But one day I read somewhere, opinions are NOT

facts. Gave me a different way of looking at things. I decided to live with the

facts only. Nada opinions can kill our self respect, our center, our belief in

what we feel and see, if we let them.

You also have the option of not going. You can buy a gift, and take it to

the party or just take it to her. Invite her out for coffee and present it to

her. This way you are on your own ground. On your own terms. As for

hugs.....please except a warm {{{{{{{{hug}}}}}} from me. Take care kiddo,

sick

ok...I'm supposed to meet my BPD mother later this evening to plan my sister's

wedding shower. I haven't seen my mother in about 3 months, since i was kicked

out of my house and left my job. (i used to live and work with my nada) I'm

sick over meeting her, I have stomach problems and all my life I wondered why!!!

HELLO, it's because all the stress! Anyway, I have no idea what to expect from

her today. I'm sure she'll start out nice (but it's all fake) then she'll talk

a little about the shower and tell me what I have to do for my sister whom I

hate! Then she'll slip some kind of insult or something. I'm so scared to see

her, but at the same time I'm happy to see her because i've missed her sooooooo

much. I want her to hug me really close to her tightly! But i don't want her

to know I'm wanting all that. I'm afraid I'll cry and she'll know how much I've

missed her. I have to stay strong because no matter how much i've missed her,

I'm still hurt and angry with her and the things to does to make me miserable.

I don't know how i'm going to get through this day, I'm so scared she's going to

start a fight with me and say all the wrong things. The last time my nada and I

spoke over the phone she said to me " is the reason you are always mad and have

such a bad attituide, because you're jealous that you've had to share me with

your sister? " when she said that i couldn't believe it. Of course it has to be

all about HER!!! I'm pissed that i'm the younger one and I've always been the

older one with all the older sister responsibilities while my OLDER sister NEVER

had to do anything and I did EVERYTHING while always being yelled at!!! My

sister has resently been lying about me, telling people about arguments with HER

EDITED VERSION! All this time, my mother has been making HER out to be the

PERFECT daughter while I'm the screw up...how did things get like this when I've

always done everything to please my mother and my sister NEVER did

anything...she's soooo selfish and i could go on but i won't! I'm just a mess

today and don't know how to handle it.

---------------------------------

May 22, 2001

Maybe you should ask yourself, why you are planning a party for someone you

hate. Would you do this for a neighbor or co-worker? What do you miss about

them? Why do you want a relationship? Are you dreaming and hoping something

will change? You do have the choice of saying no i don't want to be involved in

the planning. Why not just tell them the pain is too great and you'll just be

attending the wedding, if you really want to go. Will it matter 25 years from

now whether you helped or not? whether you went or not? Why would your sister

want you to help if she is spreading nasty rumors about you?

So she can blame something else on you???

Just my thoughts.....

Ilene in TX

May 22, 2001

Ilene,

Thanks for your thoughts, I would like to respond to some of the questions you

asked:

Maybe you should ask yourself, why you are planning a party for someone you

hate. Would you do this for a neighbor or co-worker? I'm planning this wedding

shower because everyone in my family is telling me I HAVE TO. I personally

don't want to but the pressure from everyone in my family is making me feel like

I'm the one who's wrong for not wanting to.

What do you miss about

them? I don't miss anything about my sister. I've missed my mother since I left

my house but not one day goes by that I think of my sister.

Why do you want a relationship? I don't want a relationship with her anymore

and I could care less if i ever spoke to her again or not. It goes back to

being forced to do these things.

Are you dreaming and hoping something

will change? It's not a matter of dreaming, I don't care about my sister and

could care less if anything changes.

You do have the choice of saying no i don't want to be involved in

the planning. Why not just tell them the pain is too great and you'll just be

attending the wedding, if you really want to go. I've tried telling my mother

and have told my sister I don't want to be the Maid of Honor. The response I

got was " you're just jealous! " or " the whole family will think you're being a

bitch and are jealous! " I'm not jealous of anything my sister has to offer, nor

am i jealous of her soon to be husband. Personally I'll give them less than a

year before they get divorced!

Will it matter 25 years from

now whether you helped or not? Not to me, but to my family it will. I'm afraid

if I stand my ground by not being in the wedding that they won't let me attend

the wedding at all. My mother doesn't want to have to explain to anyone why I'm

not in it because then we " won't look PERFECT " to everyone! The only reason I

want to go is to see the rest of my family whom I love and might not have the

chance to see again because they live far away.

Why would your sister

want you to help if she is spreading nasty rumors about you? The only reason

they want me in the wedding is because my sister has 1 or 2 friends and this

wedding is about being a SHOW! My nada wants this to be a SHOW for everyone

letting them know how GREAT she is!! My sister and I got into a FIST fight

before I was kicked out of my house... everyone thinks I started the fight and

my nada told me to leave by the time she arrived home from FL which only gave me

12 hours to pack all my belongings and find somewhere to stay! Meanwhile my

sister is still living at home enjoying life!

I feel like I can't DO anything about this! If I just fall off the earth and

not do the things expected of me, my mother will make sure she hurts me some

how. Down the road if I need her for anything she'll make sure she's not there

for me because of what I did to HER.... not to my sister, what I did to HER!!!!!

Thank you for the questions!

ilene@... wrote: