Of the less contentious reference point, of Communication, perhaps.. .

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

Something I read last night from " Cool Communication, " by a mother

and daughter, Henkart, M.A., and Journey Henkart (her

young daughter) that I Feel really hits home towards greater

individualized understanding.. . (Is there any other kind?)

Reading verbatim, from the chapter, The Power of Words:

Use " I " Messages

When you use an " I " message, you say what you feel and what you want

to have happen. " You " own the problem, feeling, or thought, and you

speak about how you feel and what you need at that moment. An " I "

message is a feeling, not an opinion. (Wow! Nicely put.) It is

different from a " you " message. A " you " message sounds like:

*You are such a brat.

*How many times do I have to tell you to hang up your clothes?

*You never do what you say you are going to do.

*How could you be so careless?

" You " messages are accusatory, critical, and blaming [sic]. (I

might add, " You " messages are more like, opinions? .. .;=).

" I " messages let kids hear what your concerns are in a

nonthreatening manner. (May have implications for

our " referencing, " of ABA/VB?)

An " I " message sounds like:

*I feel really angry when no one listens to what I have to say

around here. I want to feel like I am being listened to.

*I feel frustrated when the laundry hasn't been folded. All the

clothes get wrinkled, and then I have more to iron.

*I want to know that I can count on you to follow through with what

you tell me you will do.

*I would like everyone to put their Roller-blades back where they

belong. That way I won't trip over them on my way to work every

morning.

" I " messages do not blame. Instead, they talk specifically about

the situation, how you feel about it, and what you want to have

happen.

* " I " messages are a positive way to deal with unacceptable behavior

and set up clear boundaries.

* " I " messages help you to stay focused on the issue at hand, instead

of attacking the person.

* " I " messages allow you to clearly state what you need.

End of quote.

That would all be meaningful to " me " and what I'm trying to do with

ABA/VB, " and " RDI.. .;=) I'm wondering how that could be better

adapted to how we do ABA/VB? .. . " Applications " (thereof) would

be " welcome " ?!. Sure, why not.. .

I recall when I was in public school (a while ago;) starting

sentences (not just " stories " .. .) with " I " was considered selfish

and, dare I say, of bad form? That was by the best minds, then?

(Says who; and by what authority? .. .)(I'm not into

that, " authority " /alternative? .. .*

" So " much for teaching communication by telling people what to say

and how to say it? " I " don't feel it really works that way.. .

Period. " That " would be " programming, " of a different order, not

of " I " (not of real, Communication? .. .). Start with " I " (and end

with " I " ?) and maybe you can better get away with ( " get " ) what you

are trying to say, (and want, or need) thereof? .. .

I say try it/why not try it (for " your " self) to more accurately say

what " you " want to say and get away with it? .. . That should prove

worth trying; certainly would be easy enough to do, (more often;)

I'm pretty sure.. .;=)

Enjoy. " I " did and more than hope you would, too.

Mike,

" I " ABA

ABA for Understanding .

On Communication .