On not getting the signals right, and help on how to deal with that

[Guest guest]

Hi.

Got this story on my MSN homepage today, Nov. 7, 07. It could apply

to anything, of communication.. . and/but I understand many people

are interested in " dating " .. . (?) Apply it to , instead, as

well? Please do.

Do you misread your dates? [signals][My interjection. mg.]

By Alix Strauss

He was an adorable, smart stockbroker with soft blue eyes and dark

hair. As we took our seats in the restaurant, we chatted pleasantly

about the appropriate info: How we knew the person who'd set us up;

the last movie we saw; a little bit (but not too much) about our

respective professions. The waiter came to take our drink order. My

possible future husband, wine list in hand, looked at me and

asked, " Bottle for the table? Or do you want something stronger? "

" Diet Coke, " I told the waiter.

Though the date ended fine, and he was pleasant throughout the

evening, something felt off. A few days later I found out why. Said

date went back to the source of the set-up and said, " She's nice,

but was totally uninterested in me and having a good time because

she only ordered a soda. " Sigh. If only he'd taken a moment to ask,

I'd have gladly cleared up his misconception. I happen not to be a

huge drinker. I happened to have had a Diet Coke craving. And, I

happened to have liked the guy. But he didn't ask, and there wasn't

a second date. In essence, he sold us both short.

The worst mistake a dater can make

On dates, people are constantly trying to interpret each other's

actions, looking for signs that will help them figure out if things

are going well (or not so well). But the problem is, all too often

the assumptions people jump to are just plain wrong. Just ask

Garrett, a 40-year-old from NJ, who was on a date that was going

great—until it came time to order. Spotting the waitress' name tag,

he called her by her name and kidded with her about the menu. His

date, however, took this as flirting—and a sign he wasn't interested

in her. " Why would I flirt with a waitress when I'm on a date? I'm

just a friendly guy, " he says. " I actually thought the girl was rude

because she didn't say `Thank you' to the water guy. "

While many people make the mistake of misinterpreting someone's

actions in an overly optimistic way ( " Gee, she must like me because

she ordered dessert! " ), overall, pessimism reigns in the dating

realm. Often, it's someone's best intentions we read the wrong way.

Mitch, a 41-year-old from New Jersey, recently took a blind date to

a restaurant he'd frequented. Familiar with the food, he gave her a

few suggestions and recommended they get a wine he really liked.

Later, he heard through the grapevine that his date thought he was

too controlling. " I was just trying to be helpful! " Mitch says.

Sometimes, we shut down our options before we've even met them, as

Californian 37, did when a prospect proposed meeting up for

coffee—but she refused purely because it suggested he might be

cheap. " Looking back, maybe I should have just met him for coffee, "

she says. " What's the worst that could have happened? "

Why we misread signals

What's driving so many daters to assume the worst as they look for

love? Some experts attribute it to nerves, which can trigger a

cascade of negative assumptions and easily result in a self-

fulfilling prophecy. " When you're on a date, which is a stressful

activity to begin with, it's easy to see the glass as half empty

rather than half full, " says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of DSI: Date

Scene Investigation—the Diagnostic Manual of Dating Disorders. And

this can prompt us to protect ourselves by ferreting out flaws.

Also, " on a first date, people tend to look for reasons why it's not

going to work out, " says Alyssa Wodtke, author of Truth, Lies, and

Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. " Why?

Because the fact that you're on yet another first date means it

hasn't worked out in the past. You're expecting failure and, as a

result, you're setting yourself up for failure. "

Dating someone whose beliefs about gender roles or money are

different than yours can also cause trouble. Meredith, a 37-year-old

from New York, felt she was being a gracious gal when she'd split

the bill rather than just assume a guy was going to pay. That is,

until one guy expressed shock when she reached for her wallet. " He

asked me if I was having a good time, and I said sure, " she

says. " He later informed me that he took my offering to pay as an

indication that I didn't like him. I did like him, I was just afraid

of coming off as a girl who expects to be taken out. "

Even when the involved parties attempt to set the record straight,

lack of trust can be a problem, as Felicia, a 35-year-old from

Massachusetts, knows all too well. Upon meeting a guy for drinks,

she told him she had to get home early due to an early meeting at

work the next day. " I just wanted to be upfront, " she says. " But

when I didn't stay for a second drink, he seemed annoyed. When I

asked him if something was wrong, he accused me of making up the

meeting because that's what people say to cover themselves in case

they don't like the other person. " And at this point, his insecurity

was such a turnoff she wasn't that interested in convincing him

otherwise.

How to put an end to the confusion

No matter what we do, we'll never be able to read each other's

actions entirely accurately. But if you'd like to curb the

confusion, go ahead and ask for an explanation to clear things up.

If that's too forward for you, try this: Instead of assuming the

worst, try assuming the best, says Wodtke. " Rather than searching

for flaws in someone before you know them, give them the benefit of

the doubt, " she says.

" Stop thinking and just enjoy the company, " says Wygant, a

dating coach and author of Always Talk To Strangers: 3 Simple Steps

To Find The Love Of Your Life. " And once the date's over, don't

rehash it over and over. That'll make things worse. " A recent date

I'd been on could have benefited from this bit of wisdom. He and I

had only spoken on the phone two times, and though I'm an

affectionate person, I felt a handshake was more appropriate when

meeting him. The guy, however, went in for a kiss on my cheek, which

made me wonder: If this is what he wants now, what will he expect at

the end of the evening? A fair assessment? Maybe. But is it really

the truth? There's the story we make up in our heads, and then

there's what really happened. Perhaps he was just overzealous.

Perhaps he was just being friendly. Or perhaps I should have turned

off my antenna rather than turning it up.

" No one's a psychic, " says Wygant. " Ninety-nine percent of the time

you don't have a clue to what the other person is thinking. " The

bottom line is, jumping to negative conclusions can sabotage your

chances of sticking around long enough to see if you truly are

compatible. Lay your suspicions aside, and years later, you two

could be laughing about all the horrible things you thought about

each other when you first met.

Alix Strauss is a New York City-based trend journalist and the

author of the novel The Joy of Funerals.