How about some Inspiration? Resilience can get you through life's trials

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Resilience can get you through life's trials

Survivors of tough times know how to cope — and you can learn, too

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21580558/

By Foley Dec. 4, 2007

Madsen was a military police officer in the U.S. Marine Corps

when she injured her back so severely that she had to take an early

discharge. She needed surgery, and when she awoke from anesthesia,

she learned that her spinal column had been pierced and she was

partially paralyzed from the waist down. She was told that she

wouldn't walk again for a year or two, and maybe never. " I did

exactly what many people do after something like that. I went

through a period of feeling hopeless, " says the 47-year-old single

mother and grandmother from Long Beach, CA.

And at first, her situation did seem hopeless. She lost her job as a

mechanical engineer. She began to gain weight, ballooning to more

than 300 pounds. Then came a turning point. A remark by a doctor,

who called her physical condition " a waste of a human life, " flipped

a switch. She vowed she would do whatever it took to get her life

back.

Today, 14 years later, Madsen is training to be the first woman with

a disability to row across the Atlantic. It will cap more than a

decade of awards for rowing, swimming, surfing, basketball, shot

put, javelin, weight lifting, even billiards — that have made her a

Paralympian hopeful for Beijing 2008.

Madsen is what researchers call " resilient " ­ — someone who is able to

rebound from whatever difficulty life brings. She is one of those

people who, like Reeve, make us wonder how we would fare

if our own mettle were tested. Would we bounce back or be crushed by

the pressure?

" From birth, some people do have a greater capacity to be resilient

in the face of adversity, " says , PhD, an assistant

clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and

coauthor of " The Power of Resilience. " " But biology is not destiny.

That's where life experience comes in. " Indeed, a growing body of

research on those who've survived some of life's toughest trials —

rape, a life-threatening illness, a child's death — reveals a

handful of traits resilient people share and other people can

develop.

They take control of their lives

As part of her recovery, Madsen returned to the one thing that

empowered her in the past: sports. She got involved in a women's

wheelchair basketball league and taught herself to surf on her

knees.

Experts say she tapped into one of the most important traits

resilient people share: They don't see themselves as victims whose

fate is in the hands of others. " It's easy to blame other people for

your problems and wait until they fix them, " says psychiatrist

Wolin, MD, coauthor with Sybil Wolin, PhD, of " The Resilient

Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity. " " But

then you never get to rise to the occasion and witness your own

strength. If you think of yourself as a problem solver, life goes

very differently. "

In a 12-year study tracing the breakup of the former Illinois Bell

Telephone Company, researchers found that those employees who

thrived during the notorious upheaval had three characteristics in

common: They saw problems as challenges, were committed to facing

them head-on, and looked to influence their own outcomes. Though

Bell experienced massive layoffs (nearly half of its 26,000

employees) and most of the remaining workforce was traumatized, the

resilient employees had fewer stress-related illnesses than those

who felt helpless.

What you can do: Identify your strengths. Recall those moments when

you triumphed over adversity and give yourself credit. Resilient

people not only learn from hard times but also acknowledge their own

fortitude. In his work with children and adults who grew up in

dysfunctional families, Wolin found that those who did better in

life have " survivor's pride. "

" Resilient people focus on what they can influence and don't spend

time on things they can't, " says . " Once you develop that

sense of personal control, you begin to realize that you are the

author of your own life. "

They forge connections

As a child, Ned Hallowell, MD, faced some tough odds. " I had a

bipolar father, an alcoholic and abusive stepfather, an alcoholic

mother, and two learning disabilities — ADD and dyslexia, " he says.

Although his father was a gifted teacher and his mother devoted to

her son, their troubles deeply affected him. " People with that

profile often end up in jail or a mental hospital, at best eking out

a marginal existence. "

When Hallowell was 10, his mother sent him to boarding school. " I

didn't have a sign around my neck that said troubled child, help me.

But I attached myself to several teachers who took me under their

wing, " he explains. " They saved my life. " Today he's a prominent

psychiatrist, happily married father of three, and the author of a

dozen books, several on the value of what he calls " human moments " —

our meaningful connections to other people.

Studies of people who don't have a strong family support system find

that the most resilient, like Hallowell, seek aid from others. " In

research on abused children, those who were resilient as adults had

at least one person who stood by them, " says . Some

researchers speculate that developing connections to others may be

our most important emotional survival skill. Studies have shown that

people who had many relationships — with family, friends, neighbors,

coworkers, even within church and community groups — actually lived

longer than those who had the fewest.

What you can do: Make time for what matters. A Duke University study

last year reported that the number of Americans who say they have no

one to talk to about important subjects has nearly tripled since

1985. " You need to find time for what you value — family and

friends, your pet, your garden, spirituality, " says

Hallowell. " People and hobbies will sustain you in the long run. "

They allow pain to spur growth

In 1983, at the peak of her career as a nature photographer,

Joy Montgomery learned she was going blind, the result of nerve

damage caused by type 1 diabetes. She was terrified. " Photography

wasn't just a job, it was my mission, " says Montgomery, 54, of Black

Mountain, NC. " I didn't know how I was going to function. " But as

she listened to her doctor's crushing diagnosis, she heard a voice

from the inside. " It said, 'This is not the end, this is the

beginning,' " she recalls. " Although I still had doubts and fears, I

believed this was happening for a reason. "

Though she could no longer express herself through her camera and

photographs, she began writing poetry. In 1989, she published a book

called Silent Strength that combined her nature photographs with her

inspirational verse. She also found a new calling as a motivational

speaker and created the True Vision Institute, teaching elementary

students how to tap into their intuition and imagination.

Montgomery's ability to grow and find meaning in her misfortune is

no aberration. Studies of victims of rape and incest, life-

threatening illness, natural disasters, and combat, as well as

Holocaust survivors and parents of chronically ill children, show

that resilient people find the proverbial silver lining by

reinventing themselves. Some gain a new appreciation for life;

others, a renewed closeness to the people they love. " After

overcoming a challenge, you develop a deep self-confidence and sense

of optimism: 'I've been here, done that, and I'll survive,' " says Al

Siebert, PhD, author of " The Resiliency Advantage, " who has

interviewed hundreds of such survivors.

What you can do: Accentuate the positive. Cultivate your childlike

curiosity, grab every opportunity to laugh, spend time with friends.

When trouble strikes, these will be your best resources. University

of North Carolina at Chapel Hill researcher Barbara Fredrickson,

PhD, and others have found that during bad times, feeling positive —

making plans for the future, expressing love and gratitude — helps

people bounce back more quickly. " You need to find ways to adjust to

fluctuating circumstances, " says Siebert.

They insist on changing the world

Ken Druck, PhD, an organizational psychologist and high-profile

executive coach in San Diego, has taught resilience skills to top

execs at companies such as Microsoft, IBM, and Pfizer. But in 1996,

Druck experienced every parent's worst nightmare: His 21-year-old

daughter, Jenna, was killed in a bus accident while studying abroad

in India. That's when he learned that all the resilience in the

world couldn't prepare him for the death of a child.

" After my daughter died, I wanted to die, " says Druck. " While at no

point was I suicidal, I, like many bereaved parents, had lost my

sense of purpose. All the goodness had gone from my life. "

Yet before the year was out, Druck, still reeling, had set the

wheels in motion for his new life. To honor his daughter, who was

San Diego's Young Woman Entrepreneur at age 9, he established the

Jenna Druck Foundation. Its Young Women's Leadership Program

provides leadership training for thousands of girls each year. A

second program, Families Helping Families, offers free support

services to bereaved families, individuals, and communities after

the death of a child. Druck and his staff were on the scene

following the Columbine High School shootings, at Ground Zero after

the September 11 attacks, and in New Orleans after Hurricane

Katrina.

" It helped me heal, " says Druck. " When you lose someone, love

endures. But it hurts to not be able to express that love in the way

that we're all accustomed to. Starting a foundation and doing good

things every day in my daughter's name was another way for me to

say 'I love you.' "

What you can do: Always give before you take: Helping others may be

part of a human self-righting mechanism. In a study of rescue

workers who dug through the rubble after the Oklahoma City bombing,

most, though understandably distressed, had few or no symptoms of

post-traumatic stress disorder afterward. More than a third told

researchers that even though their job involved the removal of human

remains, it still gave them a sense of " relief and closure. " " I once

heard that in German concentration camps, there were a few men who

always gave away their last morsel of food to other people, " says

. " That illustrates that you have the freedom to choose your

attitude in any given set of circumstances, to control the only

thing you can control in life — you. "