Theory: only 1 out of 9 social groups work out.

[Guest guest]

Well, I wish I knew that many years ago when I moved out of the dorm

after one year. The dorm was too much social, and teasing, and joking

which was hard to follow, not all of it goodnatured, not by any means.

Living by myself in an efficiency apartment for the summer, too little

social. I tried chess club, bike club, Unitarian church, games club,

frisbee club, triatholon practice. None of them particularly worked

out and that's perfectly normal. So, you do not need to overpress, you

do not need to overtry. And you do not need to blame yourself.

For a variety of reasons, only one of nine social groups,

approximately, rough estimate, works out. And dry streaks, someone

good in statistics could tell us how likely, are again, perfectly

normal.

So, you lightly try, you underdo. You appreciate self and others.

And you gently coach others on what's a goodnatured joke or prank, and

what's not so cool. You matter-of-factly stand up for others, and then

it's so much easier to matter-of-factly stand up for yourself. You

should stand up for yourself in any case, even awkwardly, even if you

find yourself talking in paragraphs, even if you find yourself focusing

all your attention on sending, not receiving, that's okay, just gently

shift gears, recover, give yourself permission to start listening. If

someone says something which feels outrageous, say " Wow. " , " Wow! " with

or without the exclamation point, either way is perfectly okay.

Importantly, you do not need to immediately refute the content of the

statement. In fact, you never 'need' to refute the content. You can

go by feel and texture, like a good poker player. Intellect and logic

is just one tool among many. And like a good poker player, you might

need to fold the hand. Just walk away. You do not need to give an

explanation. You're not rejecting the person for all time, just where

that person currently is at, their current mental space, or just where

the conversation has gone to, you simply walk away.

And by the ability to leave something negative, you can enjoy and more

fully participate when things go positively. Sometimes the coaching,

on what's cool, can be very short. You've simply reminded the person

and they've accepted it. They're generally a good person, even if not

as serious (we aspies tend to be very serious-minded, I know I do!)

Other times, maybe more of a serious conversation. And I've learned to

keep these conversations to medium length.

-Doug

-Doug