Can Disabled Be Sexy? You Bet !

[Guest guest]

Can Disabled Be Sexy? You Bet!

by Dr. K. Fulbright

http://www.disaboom.com

An issue affecting many is finally getting the attention it deserves.

Last week, the Center for Excellence in Sexual Health at Morehouse

School of Medicine in Atlanta hosted a conference titled " Wounded

Troops and Partners: Supporting Intimate Relationships. " With former

Surgeon Generals Dr. Satcher and Dr. Carmona among the

speakers, as well as former Senator Bob Dole, this effort is a

glimmer of hope that America is finally ready to deal with the issue

of sex and disability.

When most people think " sexy, " they don't think disabled. Yet people

with disabilities can be very sexual -- much more than we give them

credit for. Consider, for example, that some women with complete

spinal cord injury experience orgasm. Research by Barry Komisaruk,

Beverly Whipple (The Science of Orgasm) and colleagues has shown that

these women respond to vaginal or cervical self-stimulation because

they could perceive it, with some reporting an orgasmic response.

When I was working on my Master's degree in human sexuality, my class

watched an old video from the 1970s exemplifying that people with

disabilities can indeed be sexually active. In the video, a man was

paralyzed from the neck down. Yet, despite his condition, he was able

to bring his able-bodied partner to climax.

All it required was some movement on her part and his talented

tongue. And as I listened to her moan -- and then scream -- her way

into bliss, I remember being struck by the fact that she had just

experienced what many women with non-disabled lovers do not. I

remember thinking that the loving exchange I had just witnessed was

more beautiful than most depictions of sex we normally see.

I share this because, as many of my colleagues have called for, we

need to rethink the way we view sex – what and who is sexy. You or

your partner may not be disabled -- or may not have a chronic

illness -- but that day may come. Even if you can't identify with

missing a limb, being bed-ridden, or being having a brain injury, you

could one day find yourself struggling with how to maintain a sex

life in spite of back pain, spinal cord injury, multiple sclerosis,

chronic fatigue, cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy....

When it comes to sex and disability, the truth hurts. Yet we need to

examine some harsh attitudes before we can challenge them. The

following are societal attitudes that all of us need to set out to

change:

1. People with disabilities aren't sexual beings.

In many ways, that man in the aforementioned video was sexier to me

than a lot of " hunks " we see depicted in magazines like Playgirl. He

was expressing his sexuality, he was lost in the moment, and he was

confident. Nothing was going to hold him back. At the end of the day,

his oral fixation, and its results, were no different from anyone

else's. Yet we tend to think that people with disabilities are

different. Worse, if somebody is being treated like a child -- as in

can't feed himself or can't wipe herself -- then we can't see that

person as sexy. Let's not forget, people with disabilities have

bodies, brains, feelings, libido ... all of which make them

incredibly sexual beings.

2. People with disabilities are undesirable.

Between the planning, patience, communication, and emotional support

required, people who have a disability are labeled a burden when it

comes to sex. Furthermore, society holds that if you can't perform a

certain way in the sack, then you're no good. This is supposedly true

even if you're perfectly " abled. " Humans go to great lengths when

they love someone to make things happen -- to express that love and

realize its full potential. Nobody or nothing is considered a burden

when you want it badly enough. It's well worth the effort.

3. Good sex can only be spontaneous.

If you can't have sex on the fly -- if it requires planning and

taking your time -- then your sex life is chalked up as bad,

according to our society. Try telling that to a Tantric sex

practitioner, right? Good sex comes in all forms -- and many will

tell you that spontaneity can become overrated.

4. People with disabilities can't have 'real' sex.

People are stuck on this notion that sex can be " true " sex only if it

involves certain positions or maneuvers. Related to this is the idea

that non-vaginal forms of sexual intimacy, like oral sex or

masturbation, are not as good as the " real " thing. What makes for

real sex is often based on our preferences, values, and attitudes.

For some it might be that they actually made love or that they felt

present or that it had a certain outcome.... You create your own

sexual experience, so don't let anyone dictate what qualifies as

intimacy for you.

5. People with disabilities shouldn't worry about sex.

The societal attitude is: why fret over your sex life when you have

bigger things to worry about? Sex is a luxury one with a disability

cannot afford. Guess what? Sex is important to almost everyone, no

matter what your condition. Almost everyone worries about sex at one

point or another since we're all sexual beings. Having a disability

doesn't trump that.

6. People with disabilities aren't sexually adventurous (or if they

are, they're perverted).

It's unfair to expect someone with a disability to be sexually

passive. This person can desire, initiate, and thrive in the moment.

People with disabilities enjoy sadomasochism, Tantric sex, sex

toys... everything that an " abled " person does, and perhaps even

more! Many of them have learned that your brain is indeed your

biggest sex organ. And they like to keep it turned on!

7. People with disabilities shouldn't have sex.

If you're bedridden or need assistance moving around, society seems

to think that you should be celibate. The lack of privacy is the

biggest indicator of the disrespect we have for the sexual needs of

those with a disability. A hospice, for example, may have no locks on

the doors, or a nursing home may require that doors be open at all

times. What's great is that some people with a disability will still

try to get a little bit of lovin', no matter what the consequences

are. They should be applauded instead of shamed for their efforts.

Honoring one's sexual self is an important component to healing and

coping, whether we are treating a hero home from war or somebody

recovering from a major car accident. It cannot be ignored. It should

not be discouraged. Their fight for sexual acknowledgment is

everyone's fight. We can only become sexually healthier for it.