Re: Intimacy and Sharing My Situation

[Guest guest]

Revelation. Seems like I've heard that word in the Christian Bible a

time or two. But in the context of this thread it seems to mean sharing

parts of ourselves that are difficult to discuss because of artificial

taboos society has placed upon us. The simple truth is that chronic

pain and the discomfort of our pain and/or our diseases/injuries do

interfere with living our lives the way we want to live it. Pain steals

away those things that are most important to us, the things that make us

who we are, who we want to be. It is difficult to reveal that which is

at the core of our being. But to come to grips with what pain has done

to us, to try to find some healing of the soul, if not of the body,

demands that we have a safe place to share these thoughts and feelings.

Keeping them bottled up only results in more anxiety and depression.

Finding an open and honest group of people who are willing to listen to

my story, my situation, my problems and let them give me the support

that I need to " heal " , to live my life to the fullest despite my

handicaps is important, no, it is vital to my having a quality life. If

I can't have intimate relations with my spouse/partner that is a place

in my life where the emotional pain is greater than the physical pain,

the place where my spouse/partner is most affected possibly by my

illness. I'm not going to give my " pastoral " lesson here, but I do want

to say that " conversations " like these are necessary, no, they are vital

to our well-being and wholeness, no matter what artificial taboos have

been built-in to us by society. Society as a whole doesn't deal with

the pain we face daily. I'm writing this at 4:29 AM. I've been awake

for over an hour because the pain woke me out of a not-so-sound sleep

again. I've cleaned up the kitchen, picked up the family room,

organized my computer center and am now giving " pastoral " advice on the

internet. Truth is that I want someone to give me some pastoral care

right now. I never imagined that having this disease would isolate me

so much from friends and others. I have no one to talk to about my

pain, about how it is stealing away my life little by little every day.

I try to talk to my wife, and she is an angel as someone called her the

other day, but she's in this situation, too, and it hurts her as much as

it hurts me. She is so busy with running a successful medical practice

that when she comes home I know the last thing she wants from me is

another complaint, another " patient " . Nor, do I want my relationships

with my best friends to become complaint sessions about my illness.

Friendship has to flow both ways. But I do need a friend or friends

that I can be honest with about my physical complaints, about my daily

life and the hurtles I have to bound over just to live an as normal life

as possible. But there is no one. This list and its members provide me

the only outlet I have, but it is not the same as having a flesh and

blood friend who understands, who could give me a pat on the back (not

too hard, please) or pat my hand (gently) as we talk about my pain, my

sleeplessness because of the pain, the things I can't do any longer and

grieve over, and how I am trying to rebuild my life and find

satisfaction in other things that I can do pain notwithstanding. You

guys are great, but I wish I had a friend I could physically touch, who

could give me a hug and just let me grieve over my illness and what it

has done to me. Does this make any sense to the rest of you? Does

anyone else feel this way? I don't want to be a burden to anyone, but I

need someone who cares and understands and is physically present. I

pray that God will send such a friend to me and that He will give each

and everyone of you that kind of a friend in your life, too.

Ray in Virginia

Re: Bro' here.

> From: MsVVarrior@...

>

>

>

> << then ken sent ray a rather

> intimate post about the effects of certain meds, and sent it to the

group

> instead of just to ray...it went down hill from there >>

> Actually, I think it was something we have all shied away from talking

about

> - and it is an important part of our lives, both male and female. I

think

> Ken did not mean to send the message to the group, but [my apologies,

Ken] I

> think it was very important to say and someone needed to start the

> conversation.

> Carol

>

> Hi carol, I wasn't at all embarrased about the " mistake " , and was

pleased to se that people were willing to contribute. The only real

error, as I see it, was an error in mis-routing the post. As it turns

out I think the outcome has been worthwhile.

>

> I am a pretty open person. Nothing I wouldn't say to you myself. But a

list is not a counseling session with privacy, so I respect any

reluctance people have about revealing information. --Ken

>

>

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[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/27/99 4:46:25 AM Eastern Daylight Time, hrn@...

writes:

> You guys are great, but I wish I had a friend I could physically touch, who

could give me a hug and just let me grieve over my illness and what it has

done to me. Does this make any sense to the rest of you? Does anyone else

feel this way? I don't want to be a burden to anyone, but I need someone who

cares and understands and is physically present. I pray that God will send

such a friend to me and that He will give each and everyone of you that kind

of a friend in your life, too.

Hi Ray,

Yes, this does make sense and like you, I have no one to listen or physically

care about me. I don't even have a husband or child who can attempt to be

involved in this part of my life. My friends, who are healthy, are worn out

from my lamenting or at least I think they are. I hunger for that touch that

says all will be okay and it is okay to feel needy. I need someone to help

me function, because I am usually too tired to do things myself. My home is

falling apart because I just don't have the ability anymore to concentrate,

or organize. I, too, pray for those same things for you, Ray.

Love, your sister in Christ,

Madeline

[Guest guest]

Mad: My heart goes out to you in your loneliness! I was once at that point

myself, so I know somewhat of how you feel. I think maybe being honest with

your Christian friends may help things. Also, how about a church? I know

that without my church family to help and support me, years ago, that I

would have not been able to make it.

My earnest prayer is that God would give you just the right people who can

minister to you, but also to whom you can minister.

In Him,

Lois

Grace... Power Made Perfect in Weakness

(2 Cor. 12:9)

Re: Intimacy and Sharing My Situation

From: MadMad4JC@...

In a message dated 4/27/99 4:46:25 AM Eastern Daylight Time, hrn@...

writes:

> You guys are great, but I wish I had a friend I could physically touch,

who

could give me a hug and just let me grieve over my illness and what it has

done to me. Does this make any sense to the rest of you? Does anyone else

feel this way? I don't want to be a burden to anyone, but I need someone

who

cares and understands and is physically present. I pray that God will send

such a friend to me and that He will give each and everyone of you that kind

of a friend in your life, too.

Hi Ray,

Yes, this does make sense and like you, I have no one to listen or

physically

care about me. I don't even have a husband or child who can attempt to be

involved in this part of my life. My friends, who are healthy, are worn out

from my lamenting or at least I think they are. I hunger for that touch that

says all will be okay and it is okay to feel needy. I need someone to help

me function, because I am usually too tired to do things myself. My home is

falling apart because I just don't have the ability anymore to concentrate,

or organize. I, too, pray for those same things for you, Ray.

Love, your sister in Christ,

Madeline

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[Guest guest]

Ray,

At 04:44 AM 4/27/99 -0400, you wrote:

>She is so busy with running a successful medical

It just struck me that your wife is also too busy to be part of

your treatment. She lives with you. She must have some perception of the

intensity of your pain & suffering. She has also expressed frustration at

being boxed in so tightly by her work that she could not do things a mother

would do (Holoween).

The two of you must consider her going to the doctor's with you as

a wife. Despite the fact she may feel that she doesn't want to meddle or

intrude with your treatment, she is the one person who could bear witness

to the extent of your pain & suffering, and ask your treating doctors how

they can account for your mistreatment.

There will be every reason in the world for you not asking her, not

wanting her to have to do it, and she will have reservations too. But it

has to be discussed and done.: " For better or worse; in sickness and in

health... "

She needs to be your wife too. And she is also your only witness.

It would be best if she, as your wife, could tell about her loss

and share of your pain, and hold the physicians accountable for effective

treatment. She and your family are the witnesses, and the ones who care

enough about you to do this. And maybe she can explain to the doctors that

she is there as your wife. If they are going to act professionally, they

too must separate this from her practice for others.

Recall Mike's experience about bringing family ( I believe his wife

or even child) to the doctor.

Ken

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[Guest guest]

Thank you, Lois, for your kind words. I do belong to a church. It is a small

congregation and since I don't have a car most of my contact with them is on

Sunday's and on the phone. At times I do lean on them, but I am afraid of

over burdening them.

Love, your sister in Christ,

Mad.

In a message dated 4/28/99 6:37:42 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

ladenier@... writes:

> Mad: My heart goes out to you in your loneliness! I was once at that point

> myself, so I know somewhat of how you feel. I think maybe being honest

with

> your Christian friends may help things. Also, how about a church? I know

> that without my church family to help and support me, years ago, that I

> would have not been able to make it.

>

> My earnest prayer is that God would give you just the right people who can

> minister to you, but also to whom you can minister.

> In Him,

> Lois

> Grace... Power Made Perfect in Weakness

> (2 Cor. 12:9)

[Guest guest]

Hello to all,

Ray you wrote exactly what I have been feeling myself. I'm at a stage with

my chronic pain that I'm angry again. As you said it seeps into every area

of my life and takes pieces. My husband still thinks that I've changed only

because of the medication that I take and if I'd just stop taking all of it

I'd be much better. It's like beating my head against a wall to try to

explain things to him. He has chronic pain to some degree also but when he

has medication to help relieve some pain he takes all of it. So he takes

nothing now.

Not only do I feel isolated from the world but also in my own home. It takes

everything I've got just to get thru the day. I've got little to give when I

get home to my husband or my child. To say the least our relationship is on

rocky ground.

Well I just wanted to say that I do understand Ray and I wish I lived close

enough to you to be that friend. I would be honored. Since I don't I am

your friend in California. I know that you need more and I think alot of us

do also.

Thank you for your post.

Kathleen

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the post. I'm sorry about the problems you are currently

encountering. We've been there before. Went through more than a year

of counseling about two years ago. Marriage is much better now, but

still little sexual intimacy. It sort of kills the moment when I scream

out in pain! Sure does spoil the moment for me. LOL. Thanks for being

a great friend, even if you are in California. Have a cyber hug! And

have a pain-free night!

Ray

Re: Intimacy and Sharing My Situation

> From: KAKRAG@...

>

> Hello to all,

>

> Ray you wrote exactly what I have been feeling myself. I'm at a stage

with

> my chronic pain that I'm angry again. As you said it seeps into every

area

> of my life and takes pieces. My husband still thinks that I've

changed only

> because of the medication that I take and if I'd just stop taking all

of it

> I'd be much better. It's like beating my head against a wall to try

to

> explain things to him. He has chronic pain to some degree also but

when he

> has medication to help relieve some pain he takes all of it. So he

takes

> nothing now.

> Not only do I feel isolated from the world but also in my own home.

It takes

> everything I've got just to get thru the day. I've got little to give

when I

> get home to my husband or my child. To say the least our relationship

is on

> rocky ground.

> Well I just wanted to say that I do understand Ray and I wish I lived

close

> enough to you to be that friend. I would be honored. Since I don't I

am

> your friend in California. I know that you need more and I think alot

of us

> do also.

> Thank you for your post.

> Kathleen

>

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