Understanding Siblings of Disabled Children

[Guest guest]

The " Other Child " with Special Needs: Understanding Siblings of

Disabled Children

by Kara Sheridan

http://www.disaboom.com/Living/parentingandfamily/the-other-child-

with-special-needs-understanding-siblings-of-disabled-children.aspx

The complex bond shared by siblings has been described as the most

influential of all relationships. Enduring ties that join brothers

and sisters outlive marriages, survive well past the years of their

parents, and extend long before the birth of their own children.

When one child in a family has a disability, sibling relationships

can become even more dynamic. In the past, even family-centered

approaches to understanding the impact of disability have

concentrated primarily on parents. The voices of siblings have been

left unheard. These children have equally special needs, and more

information is needed on their unique perspectives.

Disability by Association

Researchers have recently corrected the false belief that the impact

of disability on a family is universally damaging. While chronic

illness does introduce greater levels of stress for all members of

the family, the result is not necessarily negative. Children with

disabled siblings are offered unique opportunities to develop

positive attributes, including loyalty, insight, and altruism. They

embrace a greater tolerance for others and become more attuned to

society's treatment of differences.

Unfortunately, children with disabled siblings are often not mere

observers of discrimination. In the form of rejection and intolerance

from peers, they are also the victims of social stigmas. Burke,

author of Disability and Impairment: Working with Children and

Families, has termed this experience " disability by association. "

This knowledge heightens the need for parents and professionals to

view disability as a source of adversity met by the entire family.

Reducing Guilt through Validation and Acceptance

Many parents of mixed-ability children agonize over the seemingly

impossible task of dedicating equal time to all family members.

Several recent studies should bring some relief. Even young children

realize that fair treatment is more important than equal treatment.

When parents join the child with a disability for a hospitalization

or drastic differences in household chores are assigned, a child's

understanding of differential needs can be exceeded.

To reduce rivalry and feelings of isolation, parents should be active

listeners and validate the feelings of all family members. Parents

can prevent the internalization of resentment through communicating

that siblings do not have to feel guilty. The consequences of long-

standing guilt can have detrimental psychological effects, leading to

shame and a feeling of worthlessness.

The Upside of Sibling Rivalry

Parents working tirelessly to avoid sibling rivalry may be denying

their children a valuable opportunity to develop crucial social

skills. Learning how to express wants and needs, testing limits, and

feeling empowered to assert oneself are skills gained through the

role modeling of some of our earliest teachers—our siblings. The

essential factor that seems to determine whether rivalry is damaging

or empowering is the level of warmth shared.

Brothers and sisters with the nurturance of occasional rivalry

matched with affection, acceptance, and support are at a great

advantage in the development of several important life skills. A

strong bond with siblings forms a secure bridge to the outside social

world.

While it is important to recognize the dangers of paying too little

attention or overburdening siblings of disabled children, it is also

essential to understand the research that provides hope to these

children and their families.

The experience of having a sibling can offer positive opportunities

for development that are nearly impossible to recreate. Embrace the

challenge of disability as a family, and support your children in

their growth!