Re: how do you all handle...(x-post)

[Guest guest]

well, we are really overt (possibly even evangelical!) about our food

choices, so all of our friends know that we won't eat at their houses. and

we do have celiac to " hide " behind, when we need it. however, i remember

before we knew about all this, we had a friend who only ate organic food,

and had a child: she was just honest about it. if she came over and we

wanted to make dinner for her, then we had to shop for organic food or she

would bring her own. she never expected that we provide food for her, and

always came with something, but if we wanted a dinner party, then it was

clear that it had to be organic.

these days i say to new people " oh, ya know what? we can't eat that - we'll

just wait till we get home " or " we can't eat that, we have something with

us " . people sometimes just assume it's allergies, which is fine, but if

they ask i'm honest: i just say " well, that's soy and soy is bad for you

for these three reasons " , or whatever. in that case i try to be quite

factual, and not make people feel attacked, but i'm honest too. some people

have surprised me and changed their eating because of it!!

-katja

At 11:18 AM 5/13/2004, you wrote:

>I started changing our diet a few years ago. A few small changes over

>time but now compared to about 5 years ago to now the changes are,

>overall, radical. I used to make exceptions for myself and the kids if

>we were at a friend's house or stopping to get something to eat out and

>I can't anymore. It turns my stomach to think of fast food, or

>factory-farmed meat, growth hormones, pesticides, white bread (the list

>just keeps growing). I don't want to make those exceptions anymore

>period. I am thinking I should come up with a nice way to put it when

>offered food at a friends house that we no longer will eat at home. How

>do you all handle the situations? I can't come out and say (w/out

>offending anyone) that what they are choosing to eat isn't at all

>healthy and I won't feed it to my children. We don't have food allergies

>so I can't use that.

>

>

[Guest guest]

This issue vexes me constantly, especially because i live in a cohousing

community. Living in community is great and i believe a really natural way

to live, but my daughter is eating ice cream bars, Top Ramen, soy yogurt and

all other manners of crap at other people's houses. I no longer participate

in the common meals, mostly because i'm a mother of two whose husband comes

home at 8 p.m., but also because i find so many of the meals objectionable

-- soy, fake food, high-carb stuff. Now that i've gotten serious about going

sugar-free and no-grain it's even all the harder to deal with.

At dinners with others I keep my comments to myself and politely eat what

i'm served -- the sharing of company and the gift of dinner is more

important to me than what's on the plate. My body can handle sub-standard

stuff just fine. If i had celiacs or were especially sensitive, then i would

let the host know ahead of time. Now that i'm officially on a diet and

obviously in need of losing about 40 or 50 pounds, i have an easy out in

that sense-- " No thank you, it's not on my diet. "

My answer is to do the best i can. I let my child eat what the other kids

are eating, but i teach her about what is good and bad food at home. So when

she eats Top Ramen, she is conscious that it is crap. One of my biggest red

flags was getting acquainted with the daughter of a health food

author/teacher. As a consequence of rebelling against her mother's

apparently strict dietary rules at home, she became several hundred pounds

overweight. I want my children to feel normal, and to feel free. If they

have knowledge and awareness about food, i trust in the long run they will

make choices that suit them best.

Elaine

[Guest guest]

hmm. i have two disagreements on this:

the first is that i don't think the co-housing really makes a difference.

if your daughter DID have celiac, then your co-housers would have to make

allowances. and if you weren't living in co-housing, she'd still have the

same problem when going over to friends' houses. i don't think the

co-housing situation affects any part of the food choices. course, that's

pretty easy for me to say, not living in one!

second is the part about the fitness mom and the fat kid. sure, i think

that can happen, but i am not in the least worried about that for amber.

that fitness mom probably was eating low-fat, for starters, and secondly,

how do we know whether she was a good mom? maybe she didn't take the time

to actually TEACH the child what she believed in. sure, kids rebel i guess,

and that might be a part of life (less so i think for attachment kids). but

for us, that's not a reason to compromise. i will spend lots of time

teaching amber the WHY behind our food, and everything else. i think that,

looking back, the things that i understood and agreed with, i didn't rebel

against. i only rebelled against stupid stuff that was arbitrary. food

isn't arbitrary.

one thing that we've been working with lately is that if amber were a

second child, we probably wouldn't be as worried about " oh, that slide is

too tall for her " or whatever. if she were a second child, she'd be on the

slide after her siblings and in some cases we might not even know. so we're

trying to determine - is the slide too tall for her, or is it too tall for

us (oh not my bayyybeeee!)

i think this applies for everything: if celiac kids can be careful about

what they eat, then what about not-celiac kids? if neighbors make

allowances for peanut allergies, then why not for healthy food?

anyway. perhaps it's idealistic now cause amber's only one and there's a

lot of challenges that are still academic for us - perhaps in 5 years i'll

have a different tune! but that's where the thoughts are right now!

katja

At 01:06 PM 5/13/2004, you wrote:

>This issue vexes me constantly, especially because i live in a cohousing

>community. Living in community is great and i believe a really natural way

>to live, but my daughter is eating ice cream bars, Top Ramen, soy yogurt and

>all other manners of crap at other people's houses. I no longer participate

>in the common meals, mostly because i'm a mother of two whose husband comes

>home at 8 p.m., but also because i find so many of the meals objectionable

>-- soy, fake food, high-carb stuff. Now that i've gotten serious about going

>sugar-free and no-grain it's even all the harder to deal with.

>

>At dinners with others I keep my comments to myself and politely eat what

>i'm served -- the sharing of company and the gift of dinner is more

>important to me than what's on the plate. My body can handle sub-standard

>stuff just fine. If i had celiacs or were especially sensitive, then i would

>let the host know ahead of time. Now that i'm officially on a diet and

>obviously in need of losing about 40 or 50 pounds, i have an easy out in

>that sense-- " No thank you, it's not on my diet. "

>

>My answer is to do the best i can. I let my child eat what the other kids

>are eating, but i teach her about what is good and bad food at home. So when

>she eats Top Ramen, she is conscious that it is crap. One of my biggest red

>flags was getting acquainted with the daughter of a health food

>author/teacher. As a consequence of rebelling against her mother's

>apparently strict dietary rules at home, she became several hundred pounds

>overweight. I want my children to feel normal, and to feel free. If they

>have knowledge and awareness about food, i trust in the long run they will

>make choices that suit them best.

>Elaine

[Guest guest]

>If i had celiacs or were especially sensitive, then i would

>let the host know ahead of time. Now that i'm officially on a diet and

>obviously in need of losing about 40 or 50 pounds, i have an easy out in

>that sense-- " No thank you, it's not on my diet. "

You know what? We eat as a group too, and the folks that come

to my house that are low carb, are vegetarians, are losing weight,

are raw-foodists, or whatever have NO PROBLEM telling me what

they can and can't eat. Sometimes it can be irritating, but given

my own food restrictions I can't talk!

A lot of folks are more accepting when it comes to food now.

I find the " buffet " method works well ... I cook vegies, meat,

etc. all separately. That doesn't help the organic etc. issues.

When I go out, we usually bring some food and dessert,

usually steak, which few people refuse, or a smoked salmon.

(I don't have any close relatives etc. who are vegetarians, fortunately).

It is a big emotional issue, and it feels rejecting to refuse

someone's food (and they are likely to take it that way). But,

like I said, most folks nowadays all have their own restrictions.

-- Heidi Jean

[Guest guest]

> if your daughter DID have celiac, then your co-housers would have to make

> allowances.

But she doesn't. There is a HUGE difference. Part of living in community is

knowing when to bow to the community over your individual preferences. I

choose to let my dd have what the other kids are having so she can feel like

part of the gang. She eats well at home the other 99 percent of the time.

> that fitness mom probably was eating low-fat, for starters, and secondly,

> how do we know whether she was a good mom? maybe she didn't take the time

> to actually TEACH the child what she believed in.

Yeah, who knows. I do know that kids who grew up on health food usually fall

back into eating after going wild in college on junk food for a while.

> i think this applies for everything: if celiac kids can be careful about

> what they eat, then what about not-celiac kids? if neighbors make

> allowances for peanut allergies, then why not for healthy food?

Because there are huge variations in what is considered healthy these days,

and what is considered acceptable. Many people think one or two desserts a

day is totally normal. There are also moms struggling with their own eating

disorders, and they are the worst offenders when it comes to giving the kids

sugar. It's called humanity -- there are all sorts of different shades of it

and i'm not in control of any of it. There was a mom here, before i came,

who was very controlling about what her kids ate (vegan), about no tv, etc.

etc. (she also abandoned her family later) Apparently that was a strain for

the community. There was also a mom here whose kids watched endless tv and

ate endless junk food. That too was a strain for the community. We all agree

sugar is bad for kids, we just differ on how much is bad but nobody is

letting the kids gorge on junk food.

>

> anyway. perhaps it's idealistic now cause amber's only one and there's a

> lot of challenges that are still academic for us - perhaps in 5 years i'll

> have a different tune! but that's where the thoughts are right now!

yeah, they start getting their own opinions and will wear you down to a nub

insisting on what they want in life. I'm into saving my battles for the big

stuff, but we have different opinions about what's big stuff too.

>

>

> katja

[Guest guest]

-----Original Message-----

From: Elaine [mailto:itchyink@...]

One of my biggest red

flags was getting acquainted with the daughter of a health food

author/teacher. As a consequence of rebelling against her mother's

apparently strict dietary rules at home, she became several hundred

pounds

overweight. I want my children to feel normal, and to feel free. If they

have knowledge and awareness about food, i trust in the long run they

will

make choices that suit them best.

Elaine

My kids were young enough when I started this that they feel the same

way I do now about quite a few foods. Not long ago my dh had a taste

for some fries from McD's and my 8 and 11yo's talked him out of it.

Though they will both still eat candy if offered :-)

But you are right, I don't want food to be an issue or anything to be

the forbidden fruit- I should perhaps just choose more carefully where

we go and pack more of my own snacks.

[Guest guest]

At 02:26 PM 5/13/2004, you wrote:

>yeah, they start getting their own opinions and will wear you down to a nub

>insisting on what they want in life. I'm into saving my battles for the big

>stuff, but we have different opinions about what's big stuff too.

heh. well see, that's another theory of mine: instead of battling what she

wants, i plan to help her get it. i mean, jeeze. when mom has blue hair and

piercings and dad's whole back is a tatoo, what's the worst she could want?

(don't answer that! let me keep my illusions!)

(well, i don't currently have blue hair, cause i stopped doing that when i

was pregnant. but when i'm done nursing...whee!)

-katja

[Guest guest]

> heh. well see, that's another theory of mine: instead of battling what

> she

> wants, i plan to help her get it. i mean, jeeze. when mom has blue

> hair and

> piercings and dad's whole back is a tatoo, what's the worst she could

> want?

> (don't answer that! let me keep my illusions!)

Boy are you in for a surprise in the next few years!

Lynn S

another unconventional mom whose kids continually think up ways to

confound her...

------

Lynn Siprelle * web developer, writer, mama, fiber junky

Editor/Publisher, The New Homemaker

http://www.thenewhomemaker.com/

Celebrating 5 Years of Homemaker and Caregiver Support: 1999-2004

[Guest guest]

> heh. well see, that's another theory of mine: instead of battling what she

> wants, i plan to help her get it. i mean, jeeze. when mom has blue hair and

> piercings and dad's whole back is a tatoo, what's the worst she could want?

> (don't answer that! let me keep my illusions!)

Well, my hippie-ish friend has an 18-year-old son who is working for the

Republican party and joining the marines with the intent of fighting in

Iraq. He is flying the Marine Corp and American flags outside his bedroom

window. Another mom I know, tattooed and punk, ferries her 13-year-old to

cheerleader practice. Teenagers seem hardwired to mock their parents.

Elaine

[Guest guest]

Hmmm, I think i need to take a look at your husband's back, Katja!

I'll bet Amber will come up with all sorts of things, but I know what

you mean. You'll be researching it with her and all that jazz.

Ghislaine

> heh. well see, that's another theory of mine: instead of battling

what she

> wants, i plan to help her get it. i mean, jeeze. when mom has blue

hair and

> piercings and dad's whole back is a tatoo, what's the worst she

could want?

> (don't answer that! let me keep my illusions!)

[Guest guest]

ok, this? scares me.

i shall now go and find myself some salmon, some steak, and some gluten

free green and black chocolate cause i totally must purge this image from

my mind!

katja

At 04:33 PM 5/13/2004, you wrote:

>Well, my hippie-ish friend has an 18-year-old son who is working for the

>Republican party and joining the marines with the intent of fighting in

>Iraq. He is flying the Marine Corp and American flags outside his bedroom

>window. Another mom I know, tattooed and punk, ferries her 13-year-old to

>cheerleader practice. Teenagers seem hardwired to mock their parents.

>Elaine