Guest guest Posted November 14, 2000 Report Share Posted November 14, 2000 What a relief! I just joined WTO this morning, but was unable to find a list for adult children of a BP. Thankfully, someone on WTO just mentioned this group, so here I am. Looking through the archives, I see some pertinent data is requested: Sex: female Age: late 20s BPMom or Dad: definitely my mom (undiagnosed) - maybe NPD as well age: she's in her 50s alive?: and kicking (hard) I first learned about BPD several months ago when my marriage counselor (are you surprised I'm in marriage counseling?) mentioned that it sounded like my mom had it (that sounds weird - like it's a virus you catch!). It took a crisis to light a fire under my butt, though. My mom is currently waging a distortion campaign - accusing my father of emotional abuse, insisting he join a support group for abusive men at a local domestic violence shelter, and trying to drag me and my brother (early 20s) into the middle of it. So, I bought " I Hate You, Don't Leave Me " (finished it) and SWOE (half done) last week. I'm desperately looking for coping mechanisms. I am absolutely terrified of this woman, but I am no longer willing to subsume my identity (and opinions) to keep her from being mad at me - especially with the current stakes. Unfortunately, work and sleep requirements are preventing me from reading SWOE as fast as I would like. Any advice would be greatly appreciated (especially considering Thanksgiving is next week and I'll have to be in the same room as her). So far I have handled it by ignoring her and not returning her calls (she is very angry at this). I have been in close contact with my dad and bro (he's out of state) - trying to offer as much support as possible to my dad (and he's reciprocating). I've shared the BPD info with him and we are pretty much on the same page. Although I probably just gave away enough information to betray my identity if she were to look, I prefer to remain Anon Ymous (you can call me Anon). Aside from seeking advice on coping mechanisms, I have another question. I posted this earlier on WTO, but I think the question is more appropriate for this list: I have found it particularly devestating to realize that I also have some BPD traits (poor sense of self, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, difficulty letting someone get emotionally close to me). I don't believe I have BPD, and I was mostly already aware of these traits - I've been in therapy for several years. Through therapy, I uncovered these traits and have been working really hard to make some changes. Understandably, the way I deal with my mom seems to be the hardest thing to change (but perhaps the most important). I'm aware that many people believe that having a BP parent ups the odds of having BPD (probably a combo of nature and nurture). And, given the defense mechanisms of a BP (my mom is extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative), it only makes sense that I would be struggling with these things. Even given all of that, I still found it to be incredibly upsetting to suddenly be able to file all of the things I've been trying to change about myself under BPD - like someone had punched me in the stomach. Has anybody out there felt this way? My usual insightfulness seems to be lacking here and I am struggling to understand this reaction. I suspect this may not be all that uncommon for children of BPs. I look forward to getting to know all of you. Just knowing there are others that understand how I feel is a tremendous relief. --Anon _________________________________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com. Share information about yourself, create your own public profile at http://profiles.msn.com. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2000 Report Share Posted November 14, 2000 Hi Anon, Welcome to ModOasis, our email support group for the NonBP adult children of BPD parents. You wrote: << What a relief! I just joined WTO this morning, but was unable to find a list for adult children of a BP. Thankfully, someone on WTO just mentioned this group, so here I am. >> Lists like this one are rarer than hens teeth. We're just starting this list up from scratch and there are now 11 of us. << I first learned about BPD several months ago when my marriage counselor (are you surprised I'm in marriage counseling?) mentioned that it sounded like my mom had it (that sounds weird - like it's a virus you catch!). It took a crisis to light a fire under my butt, though. >> So you, too, married a BPD. We KOs (Kids Of BPDs) have a tendency to do that -- ie, to get involved in relationships with those whose backgrounds are similar to those who in our family of origin (FOO). << My mom is currently waging a distortion campaign >> Yes, SWOE, Chapter 11, page 210. Prior to doing that she 'split' your dad into " all bad " (SWOE, pages 29-33). << - accusing my father of emotional abuse, >> Yes, that's a projection. The three defense mechanisms used most often by BPDs are denial, projection, and splitting. << insisting he join a support group for abusive men at a local domestic violence shelter, and trying to drag me and my brother (early 20s) into the middle of it. >> Of course. According to her its all HIS fault. And now she's creating lots of chaos for everyone. << So, I bought " I Hate You, Don't Leave Me " (finished it) and SWOE (half done) last week. >> Its our bible on this list. I've worn out 3 copies so far. << I'm desperately looking for coping mechanisms. >> A-OK. You're at the right place. << I am absolutely terrified of this woman, but I am no longer willing to subsume my identity (and opinions) to keep her from being mad at me - especially with the current stakes. Unfortunately, work and sleep requirements are preventing me from reading SWOE as fast as I would like. Any advice would be greatly appreciated (especially considering Thanksgiving is next week and I'll have to be in the same room as her). >> Have you considered not going? (I bet that made your heart skip a beat!) Our BP mothers didn't know that they were supposed to allow us have choices when we were growing up. As a result, lots of 'unenlightened' KOs operate under a blanket of FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). << So far I have handled it by ignoring her and not returning her calls (she is very angry at this). >> Ah, yes, of course. And now you're establishing boundaries. (SWOE, Chapter 6, p 111) When we start to set boundaries it always gets worse before it starts to get better. So, when you ignore her and don't return her calls, she feels that she's losing her control/power over you. BPDs have a need to control everything and everybody because their life is so out of control otherwise. They continuously fear losing control, thus they overcontrol. Plus, your ignoring her and not returning her calls puts her into abandonment. Abandonment/entanglement is a core issue of those with BPD (SWOE, pages 27-28). << I have been in close contact with my dad and bro (he's out of state) - trying to offer as much support as possible to my dad (and he's reciprocating). I've shared the BPD info with him and we are pretty much on the same page. >> But he's probably operating under a blanket of FOG and walking on eggshells, too. Maybe he'd like to join the WTO list? << Although I probably just gave away enough information to betray my identity if she were to look, I prefer to remain Anon Ymous (you can call me Anon). >> I can certainly understand your fear. I, too, stood in your shoes at one time. << Aside from seeking advice on coping mechanisms, I have another question. I posted this earlier on WTO, but I think the question is more appropriate for this list: I have found it particularly devestating to realize that I also have some BPD traits (poor sense of self, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, difficulty letting someone get emotionally close to me). I don't believe I have BPD, and I was mostly already aware of these traits - I've been in therapy for several years. Through therapy, I uncovered these traits and have been working really hard to make some changes. Understandably, the way I deal with my mom seems to be the hardest thing to change (but perhaps the most important). I'm aware that many people believe that having a BP parent ups the odds of having BPD (probably a combo of nature and nurture). And, given the defense mechanisms of a BP (my mom is extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative), it only makes sense that I would be struggling with these things. Even given all of that, I still found it to be incredibly upsetting to suddenly be able to file all of the things I've been trying to change about myself under BPD - like someone had punched me in the stomach. Has anybody out there felt this way? >> Yup. BTDT (Been there, done that). We call them our BPD " fleas " -- like when you lay down with dogs you get fleas. We learned those traits from our most important role model. First we have to recognize our fleas and then rid ourselves of them. Its slow, hard work but the path leads to peace. << My usual insightfulness seems to be lacking here and I am struggling to understand this reaction. I suspect this may not be all that uncommon for children of BPs. >> That's right. We've been subjected to a lifetime of cognitive distortions & etc and now its time to start making changes. All the stuff you've mentioned is now up on the table for discussion. << I look forward to getting to know all of you. Just knowing there are others that understand how I feel is a tremendous relief. >> We're here to validate and support each other. And, by posting, you've taken a *huge* step towards recovery. One thing I'd like to point out to everyone on this list: In posting to this list, try not to use the words " You should... " KOs have already heard those words too often and we have a tendency to be " triggered " by them. Also, the best way to get dialogue going is to ask a question. And, finally, change the subject line to fit the question. We're off and running. Hugs & Peace, Edith - I'm not perfect (and I never will be) but I am standing in the light at the end of the tunnel. It took awhile and a lot of hard work on my Self to get there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2000 Report Share Posted November 14, 2000 Hi Anon, Welcome to ModOasis, our email support group for the NonBP adult children of BPD parents. You wrote: << What a relief! I just joined WTO this morning, but was unable to find a list for adult children of a BP. Thankfully, someone on WTO just mentioned this group, so here I am. >> Lists like this one are rarer than hens teeth. We're just starting this list up from scratch and there are now 11 of us. << I first learned about BPD several months ago when my marriage counselor (are you surprised I'm in marriage counseling?) mentioned that it sounded like my mom had it (that sounds weird - like it's a virus you catch!). It took a crisis to light a fire under my butt, though. >> So you, too, married a BPD. We KOs (Kids Of BPDs) have a tendency to do that -- ie, to get involved in relationships with those whose backgrounds are similar to those who in our family of origin (FOO). << My mom is currently waging a distortion campaign >> Yes, SWOE, Chapter 11, page 210. Prior to doing that she 'split' your dad into " all bad " (SWOE, pages 29-33). << - accusing my father of emotional abuse, >> Yes, that's a projection. The three defense mechanisms used most often by BPDs are denial, projection, and splitting. << insisting he join a support group for abusive men at a local domestic violence shelter, and trying to drag me and my brother (early 20s) into the middle of it. >> Of course. According to her its all HIS fault. And now she's creating lots of chaos for everyone. << So, I bought " I Hate You, Don't Leave Me " (finished it) and SWOE (half done) last week. >> Its our bible on this list. I've worn out 3 copies so far. << I'm desperately looking for coping mechanisms. >> A-OK. You're at the right place. << I am absolutely terrified of this woman, but I am no longer willing to subsume my identity (and opinions) to keep her from being mad at me - especially with the current stakes. Unfortunately, work and sleep requirements are preventing me from reading SWOE as fast as I would like. Any advice would be greatly appreciated (especially considering Thanksgiving is next week and I'll have to be in the same room as her). >> Have you considered not going? (I bet that made your heart skip a beat!) Our BP mothers didn't know that they were supposed to allow us have choices when we were growing up. As a result, lots of 'unenlightened' KOs operate under a blanket of FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). << So far I have handled it by ignoring her and not returning her calls (she is very angry at this). >> Ah, yes, of course. And now you're establishing boundaries. (SWOE, Chapter 6, p 111) When we start to set boundaries it always gets worse before it starts to get better. So, when you ignore her and don't return her calls, she feels that she's losing her control/power over you. BPDs have a need to control everything and everybody because their life is so out of control otherwise. They continuously fear losing control, thus they overcontrol. Plus, your ignoring her and not returning her calls puts her into abandonment. Abandonment/entanglement is a core issue of those with BPD (SWOE, pages 27-28). << I have been in close contact with my dad and bro (he's out of state) - trying to offer as much support as possible to my dad (and he's reciprocating). I've shared the BPD info with him and we are pretty much on the same page. >> But he's probably operating under a blanket of FOG and walking on eggshells, too. Maybe he'd like to join the WTO list? << Although I probably just gave away enough information to betray my identity if she were to look, I prefer to remain Anon Ymous (you can call me Anon). >> I can certainly understand your fear. I, too, stood in your shoes at one time. << Aside from seeking advice on coping mechanisms, I have another question. I posted this earlier on WTO, but I think the question is more appropriate for this list: I have found it particularly devestating to realize that I also have some BPD traits (poor sense of self, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, difficulty letting someone get emotionally close to me). I don't believe I have BPD, and I was mostly already aware of these traits - I've been in therapy for several years. Through therapy, I uncovered these traits and have been working really hard to make some changes. Understandably, the way I deal with my mom seems to be the hardest thing to change (but perhaps the most important). I'm aware that many people believe that having a BP parent ups the odds of having BPD (probably a combo of nature and nurture). And, given the defense mechanisms of a BP (my mom is extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative), it only makes sense that I would be struggling with these things. Even given all of that, I still found it to be incredibly upsetting to suddenly be able to file all of the things I've been trying to change about myself under BPD - like someone had punched me in the stomach. Has anybody out there felt this way? >> Yup. BTDT (Been there, done that). We call them our BPD " fleas " -- like when you lay down with dogs you get fleas. We learned those traits from our most important role model. First we have to recognize our fleas and then rid ourselves of them. Its slow, hard work but the path leads to peace. << My usual insightfulness seems to be lacking here and I am struggling to understand this reaction. I suspect this may not be all that uncommon for children of BPs. >> That's right. We've been subjected to a lifetime of cognitive distortions & etc and now its time to start making changes. All the stuff you've mentioned is now up on the table for discussion. << I look forward to getting to know all of you. Just knowing there are others that understand how I feel is a tremendous relief. >> We're here to validate and support each other. And, by posting, you've taken a *huge* step towards recovery. One thing I'd like to point out to everyone on this list: In posting to this list, try not to use the words " You should... " KOs have already heard those words too often and we have a tendency to be " triggered " by them. Also, the best way to get dialogue going is to ask a question. And, finally, change the subject line to fit the question. We're off and running. Hugs & Peace, Edith - I'm not perfect (and I never will be) but I am standing in the light at the end of the tunnel. It took awhile and a lot of hard work on my Self to get there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2000 Report Share Posted November 14, 2000 Hi Anon, Welcome to ModOasis, our email support group for the NonBP adult children of BPD parents. You wrote: << What a relief! I just joined WTO this morning, but was unable to find a list for adult children of a BP. Thankfully, someone on WTO just mentioned this group, so here I am. >> Lists like this one are rarer than hens teeth. We're just starting this list up from scratch and there are now 11 of us. << I first learned about BPD several months ago when my marriage counselor (are you surprised I'm in marriage counseling?) mentioned that it sounded like my mom had it (that sounds weird - like it's a virus you catch!). It took a crisis to light a fire under my butt, though. >> So you, too, married a BPD. We KOs (Kids Of BPDs) have a tendency to do that -- ie, to get involved in relationships with those whose backgrounds are similar to those who in our family of origin (FOO). << My mom is currently waging a distortion campaign >> Yes, SWOE, Chapter 11, page 210. Prior to doing that she 'split' your dad into " all bad " (SWOE, pages 29-33). << - accusing my father of emotional abuse, >> Yes, that's a projection. The three defense mechanisms used most often by BPDs are denial, projection, and splitting. << insisting he join a support group for abusive men at a local domestic violence shelter, and trying to drag me and my brother (early 20s) into the middle of it. >> Of course. According to her its all HIS fault. And now she's creating lots of chaos for everyone. << So, I bought " I Hate You, Don't Leave Me " (finished it) and SWOE (half done) last week. >> Its our bible on this list. I've worn out 3 copies so far. << I'm desperately looking for coping mechanisms. >> A-OK. You're at the right place. << I am absolutely terrified of this woman, but I am no longer willing to subsume my identity (and opinions) to keep her from being mad at me - especially with the current stakes. Unfortunately, work and sleep requirements are preventing me from reading SWOE as fast as I would like. Any advice would be greatly appreciated (especially considering Thanksgiving is next week and I'll have to be in the same room as her). >> Have you considered not going? (I bet that made your heart skip a beat!) Our BP mothers didn't know that they were supposed to allow us have choices when we were growing up. As a result, lots of 'unenlightened' KOs operate under a blanket of FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). << So far I have handled it by ignoring her and not returning her calls (she is very angry at this). >> Ah, yes, of course. And now you're establishing boundaries. (SWOE, Chapter 6, p 111) When we start to set boundaries it always gets worse before it starts to get better. So, when you ignore her and don't return her calls, she feels that she's losing her control/power over you. BPDs have a need to control everything and everybody because their life is so out of control otherwise. They continuously fear losing control, thus they overcontrol. Plus, your ignoring her and not returning her calls puts her into abandonment. Abandonment/entanglement is a core issue of those with BPD (SWOE, pages 27-28). << I have been in close contact with my dad and bro (he's out of state) - trying to offer as much support as possible to my dad (and he's reciprocating). I've shared the BPD info with him and we are pretty much on the same page. >> But he's probably operating under a blanket of FOG and walking on eggshells, too. Maybe he'd like to join the WTO list? << Although I probably just gave away enough information to betray my identity if she were to look, I prefer to remain Anon Ymous (you can call me Anon). >> I can certainly understand your fear. I, too, stood in your shoes at one time. << Aside from seeking advice on coping mechanisms, I have another question. I posted this earlier on WTO, but I think the question is more appropriate for this list: I have found it particularly devestating to realize that I also have some BPD traits (poor sense of self, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, difficulty letting someone get emotionally close to me). I don't believe I have BPD, and I was mostly already aware of these traits - I've been in therapy for several years. Through therapy, I uncovered these traits and have been working really hard to make some changes. Understandably, the way I deal with my mom seems to be the hardest thing to change (but perhaps the most important). I'm aware that many people believe that having a BP parent ups the odds of having BPD (probably a combo of nature and nurture). And, given the defense mechanisms of a BP (my mom is extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative), it only makes sense that I would be struggling with these things. Even given all of that, I still found it to be incredibly upsetting to suddenly be able to file all of the things I've been trying to change about myself under BPD - like someone had punched me in the stomach. Has anybody out there felt this way? >> Yup. BTDT (Been there, done that). We call them our BPD " fleas " -- like when you lay down with dogs you get fleas. We learned those traits from our most important role model. First we have to recognize our fleas and then rid ourselves of them. Its slow, hard work but the path leads to peace. << My usual insightfulness seems to be lacking here and I am struggling to understand this reaction. I suspect this may not be all that uncommon for children of BPs. >> That's right. We've been subjected to a lifetime of cognitive distortions & etc and now its time to start making changes. All the stuff you've mentioned is now up on the table for discussion. << I look forward to getting to know all of you. Just knowing there are others that understand how I feel is a tremendous relief. >> We're here to validate and support each other. And, by posting, you've taken a *huge* step towards recovery. One thing I'd like to point out to everyone on this list: In posting to this list, try not to use the words " You should... " KOs have already heard those words too often and we have a tendency to be " triggered " by them. Also, the best way to get dialogue going is to ask a question. And, finally, change the subject line to fit the question. We're off and running. Hugs & Peace, Edith - I'm not perfect (and I never will be) but I am standing in the light at the end of the tunnel. It took awhile and a lot of hard work on my Self to get there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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