Re: Why do you think your parent(s) has/have BPD?

January 24, 2001

I think it was their dedication to being a child and having been dedicated to

loving their parents not making the transition in their own lives.

Shirley

January 24, 2001

I have been trying to figure that out for years... I think it has to do with

my mothers childhood, her parents did not abuse her, and they gave what they

could which wasnt much, but was still a lot at the same time... I think it

had to do with the amount of attention she got... although one time, when

speaking with my grandmother she was speaking of how my mother was

complaining about how she had to walk a block to work,,, not very far at all,

and supposedly the weather was nice,,, and she completely lost it, so her

mother went in the shower and began to sing, trying to drown out the

sound.... mom eventually walked to work that day....

January 24, 2001

In a message dated 1/24/01 2:15:55 PM Eastern Standard Time,

bpdsurvivor@... writes:

<< it seems we all had cats

and/or dogs!) >>

I begged my parents for a dog for 11 years everyday... everyday i asked and

then one day my mother said that she would take me the next week to look at

them... the next day she told me no, because i was getting a little

brother... still no dog in the house... I think this is because of the

control factor...

January 24, 2001

Crissie,

I have a very close relationship with my father, as do my other siblings,

which in turn i think makes my nada jelous,,, Because she insinuates things

in her arguments,,, does anyones nada/fada bring up things that happened in

prior months, or years in recent arguments?

January 24, 2001

It seems to be genetic - my nada has an aunt with it and there were a few other

wierdos

on her mother's side.

Ilene in TX

January 24, 2001

Bagira,

My nada looks like a poster child for " normal " when compared with HER mother

(dead now

for five years). I know that my nada was emotionally (and I suspect physically)

abused

by her nada. My dad also said she mentioned being sexually abused but would

give no

further info (e.g., by whom, etc.). Ilene suggested a genetic link, but I

wonder how

much of it is passed down through the generations EMOTIONALLY instead of

physically.

Maybe it's possible to be genetically " pre-disposed " to BPD, but I think the

environment

would also have to be right for it to develop. And maybe, if the conditions are

right,

it can also be " damped out " through the generations (i.e., my mom is better than

her mom,

I'm better than my mom, maybe MY kids will be " normal " !). I don't know anything

about my

grand-nada's mother -- I'd like to ask my mom if she knows much about her. It

could

prove to be very interesting.

I would even hazard a guess that the conditions most of us grew up in were ripe

for the

development of BPD (note that some of us have BP siblings). Somehow we managed

to avoid

it, though. Maybe our other parent, or a beloved relative or teacher, was able

to offset

the influence enough. Maybe we were able to seek solace with a sibling and that

helped.

Maybe we were able to get enough love from the family pet (it seems we all had

cats

and/or dogs!) to get us through. Maybe the difference between becoming a BP or

a Non in

the same environment is level of intelligence (note that many of us are very

high

achievers -- i.e., we've got smarts). If I recall correctly, there's also

something

called " emotional intelligence " (help me out here, all you psychologists) --

maybe Nons

have a higher EI quotient!

Humans are so incredibly complex, and each person is unique. There are probably

a

multitude of factors that could be combined in almost infinite permutations, all

resulting in BPD. I do believe, though, that there are some core factors that

are common

in the majority of people with BPD. And the same could probably be said for

those of us

who managed to escape the BPD sentence.

Hope everyone is having a good day. I think I managed to find my way out from

under the

rock I've been under for the last few weeks. This healing process can be so

bizarre...

I'll taste the freedom and feel so good for a few weeks, and then I'll slip

right back

into the way I used to be. My therapist says it will just take practice -- that

I can't

expect it to happen overnight. It's so frustrating, though, when I see what my

life

could be like and then it just seems to slip through my fingers for no apparent

reason

<sigh>. I'm just going to keep trudging up the hill and hold onto the hope that

I'll

make it for good, eventually.

Hugs,

Anon

P.S. -- my kitty is doing better... she's not out of the woods yet, but the vet

said

things are going as well as we could hope for. I'll know more later this week.

--- BagiraXXI@... wrote:

> I apologize, because I don't have a time to answer my own question, I

> will do it later, but if you don't mind to share:

> What do you think contributed in the development of the disorder in

> your parent(s) or parent(s) figure(s)?

> Thanks

> Bagira

__________________________________________________

January 24, 2001

I think my father's problems come from two great separations (first

one at the age of two from his mother , the second at two-and-a-half

from his grandmother) and that his mother died when he was seven from

an illegal abortion...

My mother's problems come from WW2

Pirjo

> I apologize, because I don't have a time to answer my own question,

I

> will do it later, but if you don't mind to share:

> What do you think contributed in the development of the disorder in

> your parent(s) or parent(s) figure(s)?

> Thanks

> Bagira

January 24, 2001

Oooooh! Good question. I'll bet this is going to get lots of answers

Bagira! My mom's shrink told us that a large percentage of BPD stems from

not having their needs met as a baby and/or young child. I'm not sure

whether my MM falls into this catagory or not. She is one of 6 in a staunch

Irish Catholic family. I feel like they are all hiding something about

their childhood. None of them are really well adjusted adults. One is a

raging alcoholic who has lots everything several times over, then there's my

BPD mom who was holding up the matriarch title for so long (the normal one,

HA!), my very right-wing uncle who doesn't speak to some of the family

because he disagrees with their beliefs, my newly-openly gay uncle, my

single-parent - will never be off of government assistance aunt, and my

uncle (who for the most part is very cool) but had some experimental days in

high school. He seems to be the best off in the bunch. No skeletons in

that closet, huh? I just can't believe it.

I just realized the other day that I think the reason my mom never really

liked me is that I had the very best relationship imaginable with my

grandma, my dad's mom. Words can't express what a fabulous person she was.

She certainly had her problems too, but she loved and cared for me with her

whole heart. Nothing in this world came before me. What a contrast from a

BPD mom, huh? Grandma " tended " to me when I was very young, for 4 years, 5

days a week. Naturally, I think I bonded with her more than I did with my

own mother. I actually have no memories of her from those days. I have

lots of my dad and lots of my Grandma, but none of her. What does that say?

Anyhow, I believe my problems with my mom might have stemed from my

relationship with Grandma. Here MM had this little girl, who was supposed

to love her and adore her and give her the unconditional love of a mother

and child. I probably prefered my Grandma and I'm sure this began the " I

hate you, Don't leave me! " cycle for us.

xoxo,

Crissie

Come to think of it, we had a big blow out after I named our baby Sara Jane

(after my Grandma)

Why do you think your parent(s) has/have BPD?

> I apologize, because I don't have a time to answer my own question, I

> will do it later, but if you don't mind to share:

> What do you think contributed in the development of the disorder in

> your parent(s) or parent(s) figure(s)?

> Thanks

> Bagira

>

> ~ People joining this list must read the guidelines and agree to them

before posting. To get off the list, send a blank message to

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>

January 24, 2001

asked if anyone's nada/fada brings up things that happened years

ago in recent blowups. Yes, my nada did it constantly and still will if she

gets the chance. We heard so much about her unhappy life it stamped out any

pity I might have for her.

Lissa

January 24, 2001

In a message dated 1/24/01 5:35:26 PM Pacific Standard Time,

rpicado@... writes:

<< BPD must have some genetic cause. I've been diagnosed with OCD. >>

Rosemary, that's really interesting. I have OCD, also. it seems to be

pretty mild most of the time, but can really flare up if I am under severe

stress. Like you, my nada was the one with BPD. Perhaps there is a genetic

tie-in. My shrink said the OCD was hereditary. Hmmmm.

Lissa

January 24, 2001

ON Wed, 24 Jan 2001 17:46:39 -0000 BagiraXXI@... asked:

<<

What do you think contributed in the development of the disorder in your

parent(s) or parent(s) figure(s)?

>>

Yes, this is a good question.

When my nada was around 18 months old, my g'ma went back to the 'old

country' to show off her two kids to the relatives there. I can just

imagine how bad it must have been to be wrested away from the safety and

security of " home " and her father (my g'father), and then traveling

across the ocean. Possibly she was seasick, perhaps the fog horms were

blowing, & etc and then the adjustment to new people and surroundings

after they arrived.

My nada was born in 1905, and g'ma made the trip with her kids 1907.

They were supposed to return on the Titanic but, either because of a

measles quarantine or the flu, they " missed the boat. " The Titanic went

down on 4/10/1912 and my g'father went into mourning for 6 weeks before

he found out that they weren't on the Titanic. My nada told my sister

that she thought it was funny that g'pa went into mourning like that.

Anyhow, g'ma with her two kids (my uncle was several years older),

returned to the US when my nada was 7 years old. From what my sister and

I have been able to piece together, our nada had BPD then.

Edith

..

January 24, 2001

Crissie Fields wrote:

> She is one of 6 in a staunch

> Irish Catholic family. I feel like they are all hiding something about

> their childhood. None of them are really well adjusted adults.

Ha! my mom's family exactly! She's one of six, born and raised in ireland. #1

sister is very independent, moved as far away from the family as one can get

while remaining in the same country. Rarely contacts anyone. #2 is my BP mom -

sent to boarding school at age 5 to protect her from alcoholic dad who was

abusive to emotionally cold mom. It always amazes me that my mom

demonizes her MOM and calls her dad the sweetest person she ever knew- she says

he's the only one who truly loved her. Splitting at its best. She could not

integrate nice dad with alcoholic and abusive dad. #3 sister is a lesbian, but

not out to anyone in the family, hasn't had a relationship EVER, ashamed of her

sexuality. (not suggesting being gay is sick - I'm gay. Just

suggesting being unable to accept it and integrate your personality is

indicative of some major issues.) #4 brother is severely schizophrenic since

age 21, hears voices, etc. Also gay. #5 sister & #6 sister are both

well-adjusted adults, but they never knew their father and were not sent to

boarding school - he had died when they weren't old enough to understand, but in

the

teen years of the other four kids.

I think her BP stems from having 1 - an alcoholic, abusive, unpredictable dad, 2

- a mom who had too much on her plate to pay any emotional attention to the

kids, 3- abandonment #1 at age five, being sent to boarding school, 4 -

abandonment #2 at age 14, dad's death. and finally, compounding it all, coming

to the US and leaving her family behind, thus always feeling left out

and alone.

sorry for any incoherence and incomplete sentences - trying to leave work early,

yet still write this!

Catie

January 24, 2001

My mom is the BPD in the family. Her mother was mildly bi-polar, but still a

very good mom. And her dad was as stable as the rock of Gibraltar, with a

jovial outlook on life.

BPD must have some genetic cause. I've been diagnosed with OCD. So here's

the genetic trail of our family:

Manic-Depression

BPD

OCD

Could it be different steps on a biological ladder of mental illness? I

wonder.

Thanks,

Rosemary

On Wed, 24 Jan 2001 17:46:39 -0000, ModOasisegroups wrote:

> I apologize, because I don't have a time to answer my own question, I

> will do it later, but if you don't mind to share:

> What do you think contributed in the development of the disorder in

> your parent(s) or parent(s) figure(s)?

> Thanks

> Bagira

>

Do or do not, there is no try. Lucas

_______________________________________________________

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January 24, 2001

Bagira,

My mother had a devastating childhood. She was abandoned (repeatedly), had both

abusive foster parents,

and a horribly abusive natural mother. She claims that she was also sexually

abused. She went through a lot on

many levels. I think she's trying to work through unbelievable pain and

everything in her life is very amplified.

I don't really consider her one person - more of an " average " of opinions and

behaviors.

Freddie

January 25, 2001

> I just realized the other day that I think the reason my mom

> never really

> liked me is that I had the very best relationship imaginable with my

> grandma, my dad's mom.

> Grandma " tended " to me when I was very young,

> for 4 years, 5

> days a week. Naturally, I think I bonded with her more than

> I did with my

> own mother. I actually have no memories of her from those

> days. I have

> lots of my dad and lots of my Grandma, but none of her. What

> does that say?

> Anyhow, I believe my problems with my mom might have stemed from my

> relationship with Grandma. Here MM had this little girl, who

> was supposed

> to love her and adore her and give her the unconditional love

> of a mother

> and child. I probably prefered my Grandma and I'm sure this

> began the " I

> hate you, Don't leave me! " cycle for us.

>

Another 'Twin' moment!! My grandmother took care of me (we lived with my

grandparents till they died) from the time I was born. She was very young,

and everyone thought I was her daughter because I looked like her, not nada.

I got my love of cooking, baking, and gardening from her, (nada is 'too

lazy' for that stuff) as well as folk tales, stories of her life in 'the old

country' and religious teaching.

I also don't have many memories of nada from back then. Nothing good,

anyway.

January 25, 2001

> I just realized the other day that I think the reason my mom

> never really

> liked me is that I had the very best relationship imaginable with my

> grandma, my dad's mom.

> Grandma " tended " to me when I was very young,

> for 4 years, 5

> days a week. Naturally, I think I bonded with her more than

> I did with my

> own mother. I actually have no memories of her from those

> days. I have

> lots of my dad and lots of my Grandma, but none of her. What

> does that say?

> Anyhow, I believe my problems with my mom might have stemed from my

> relationship with Grandma. Here MM had this little girl, who

> was supposed

> to love her and adore her and give her the unconditional love

> of a mother

> and child. I probably prefered my Grandma and I'm sure this

> began the " I

> hate you, Don't leave me! " cycle for us.

>

Another 'Twin' moment!! My grandmother took care of me (we lived with my

grandparents till they died) from the time I was born. She was very young,

and everyone thought I was her daughter because I looked like her, not nada.

I got my love of cooking, baking, and gardening from her, (nada is 'too

lazy' for that stuff) as well as folk tales, stories of her life in 'the old

country' and religious teaching.

I also don't have many memories of nada from back then. Nothing good,

anyway.

January 25, 2001

I got a lot of love from my grandmother Olga , my babushka from

S:t sburg... She also told me a lot of fairy tales and about her

childhood. Unfortunately I forgot what she told me, but I remember

her love. Unfortunately we moved abroad from Finland for the first

time when I was three...

Pirjo, still living abroad (in Sweden)

> > I just realized the other day that I think the reason my mom

! My grandmother took care of me (we lived with my

> grandparents till they died) from the time I was born. She was very

young,

> and everyone thought I was her daughter because I looked like her,

not nada.

> I got my love of cooking, baking, and gardening from her, (nada

is 'too

> lazy' for that stuff) as well as folk tales, stories of her life

in 'the old

> country' and religious teaching.

>

> I also don't have many memories of nada from back then. Nothing

good,

> anyway.

>

January 25, 2001

I got a lot of love from my grandmother Olga , my babushka from

S:t sburg... She also told me a lot of fairy tales and about her

childhood. Unfortunately I forgot what she told me, but I remember

her love. Unfortunately we moved abroad from Finland for the first

time when I was three...

Pirjo, still living abroad (in Sweden)

> > I just realized the other day that I think the reason my mom

! My grandmother took care of me (we lived with my

> grandparents till they died) from the time I was born. She was very

young,

> and everyone thought I was her daughter because I looked like her,

not nada.

> I got my love of cooking, baking, and gardening from her, (nada

is 'too

> lazy' for that stuff) as well as folk tales, stories of her life

in 'the old

> country' and religious teaching.

>

> I also don't have many memories of nada from back then. Nothing

good,

> anyway.

>

January 25, 2001

I got a lot of love from my grandmother Olga , my babushka from

S:t sburg... She also told me a lot of fairy tales and about her

childhood. Unfortunately I forgot what she told me, but I remember

her love. Unfortunately we moved abroad from Finland for the first

time when I was three...

Pirjo, still living abroad (in Sweden)

> > I just realized the other day that I think the reason my mom

! My grandmother took care of me (we lived with my

> grandparents till they died) from the time I was born. She was very

young,

> and everyone thought I was her daughter because I looked like her,

not nada.

> I got my love of cooking, baking, and gardening from her, (nada

is 'too

> lazy' for that stuff) as well as folk tales, stories of her life

in 'the old

> country' and religious teaching.

>

> I also don't have many memories of nada from back then. Nothing

good,

> anyway.

>

January 25, 2001

wrote:

>My grandmother took care of me (we lived with my

> grandparents till they died) from the time I was born. She was very

>young, and everyone thought I was her daughter because I looked

>like her, not nada. I got my love of cooking, baking, and gardening

>from her, (nada is 'too lazy' for that stuff) as well as folk tales,

>stories of her life in 'the old country' and religious teaching.

> I also don't have many memories of nada from back then. Nothing

>good, anyway.

>

I also grew up with my grandparents - but it was my mother's

parents, till age of 7 - time to go to school. I always spend my

school vacations there too, until my grandmother died - I was 14 by

then - granddad moved with us and died in little more than a year

just before his 80th birthday. They lived in little town about 300

miles away from the city were my nada and father lived. My grandma

taught me how to read and how to count. She did a lot of baking, and

always let me to do my own cookies. They had chickens at this time

and played with them a lot and helped to grow them. Granddad thought

me how to play chess. Actually he loved grandma very much - they

lived 49 years together - and when she tried to lift something heavy

he always yelled at her, not angrily, but pretty explosively. That is

how it always started with my nada - different agenda, though. I felt

and saw a lot of love and a lot of care from my grandparents. I felt

safe there. I think the reason I have some sanity in my - because I

grew up with them, otherwise I would be a total wacko. I think I felt

loved by my mother at this pre-school period, but I never felt safe,

and felt a lot of frustration. My mother came to visit her parents

and me during some weekends and I always wanted to spend more time

with her and was very upset and cried when she was living. When I

lived in the city with my parents she did not scream at me at that

time (it all started when I went to school), but she was screaming at

my father. It is one of my first memories - she in the not so early

morning, still in her nightgown, crying and yelling at my father, and

her face looked absolutely horrible and disgusting.

Also I remember them throwing china at each other, LOL, I guess my

father was trying to fight yet, early in their marriage. Then he

become passive-aggressive, and now is totally codependent. He stays

at home right now, my nada still works.

She send my to kindergarten, but she claimed I was getting flue too

often, then she send me to 24 hours kindergarten - she says they have

better quality of care, but somehow she did not like how it worked,

so I spend most of my childhood with my grandparents.

Grandma knew, that nada was screaming and yelling a lot, and was

telling her, that it is does not make any sense, she is not going to

change my dad, but apparently nada did not listen. Granddad did not

suspected what was going on, until he came to live with us after

grandmother died. I remember him crying, and saying, " I did not know

it is like that. " My mother actually accused me of his death, she

said he died because he was upset to see what I was doing - I broke

into tears couple of times, when nada started her 'screaming

sessions'; at me most of the time I sat with blank face, pretending I

was doing homework, waiting for her to shut up, but sometimes she

demanded response.

Actually I never saw my granddad grave - they bury him with my

grandmother in their hometown. Nada left me in city, so I did not

attended his funeral.

By the way she did not let me to attend my fathers' mother funerals

too - I had final exam, which was required for graduation of the high

school. I remember, I felt pretty numb then.

Thanks for listening

Bagira

January 25, 2001