++ ModOasis List Guidelines ++

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

Someone just asked me the following offlist:

<<

" ...what's the reason behind referring to your mom as nada? Is it used

on the list to avoid the emotions that come up when you think of " mom " ?

>>

Yes. Its difficult for lots of us KOs to write about some of the

horrendous things that our nadas and fadas have done. Thus, some of us

prefer to use the words nada and fada to lessen the emotional impact of

using the words " mother " and " father " . Its a matter of choice. And, its

in the Guidelines, which I've attached below. As it states, by joining

this list you acknowledge that you have read and fully understand the

guidelines.

A memory just re-popped into my head about why I personally prefer to

use the word nada. I called my nada " Mom " just one time and got my face

slapped. I never ever made that mistake again! My sister and I were only

allowed to call HER " Mother " .

Which brings up another memory. Shortly after I married by BPD hubby, my

mother-in-law told me to call her " Mom " instead of " Mother " . I stood

there like an idiot with the word " Mom " stuck in my throat. I couldn't

get it out.

Such is the life (and memories) of a KO...

<sigh>

Hugs,

Edith

<<

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ModOasis List Guidelines

http://eGroups.com/group/ModOasis

http://www.BPDCentral.com

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Welcome to ModOasis.

** PLEASE READ THIS MESSAGE COMPLETELY AND SAVE IT **

ModOasis is one of the many WelcomeToOz family of email support group

lists for significant others and family members of people who have

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or BPD traits. ModOasis is an

email support group for the Non-BP adult children of BPD parents.

This message is in several parts:

1) What this list will do for you

2) Technical information YOU must know

3) List guidelines

The mission of the WelcomeToOz lists is to help people who care about

someone with BPD take control of their lives, understand the disorder

and learn to cope with BPD behavior while taking care of themselves. We

are a support group, NOT a therapy group. For info on other WelcomeToOz

lists, go to http://www.BPDCentral.com

or send a message with " Info " in the Subject line to BPDCentral@...

I. WHAT WILL THIS LIST DO FOR ME?

* Give you feedback, a sounding board and reality check.

* Give you a gut level feeling you are NOT ALONE in your struggles.

People have said that two weeks on this list has helped them more than

months of therapy.

* Help you understand that no matter how bad you have been told you are,

you are not a bad person. You just lived with someone who may have

convinced you of that.

* Help you laugh when you are feeling down. Help you cry when something

hits home.

We are here to help you re-create your own sense of reality and guide

you through the pitfalls. We try to resist the urge to " rescue " others

on the list while offering validation, suggestions, education,

information, and our own personal stories.

If you have never been on an Internet support list, we think you will

like it. You can access it any time (not just Tuesdays from 7-9 pm),

they're totally anonymous, you can save insightful posts, journaling

helps, and you can get support from strangers and be in a ratty bathrobe

at the same time! Many people find that these lists become a lifeline

and that members become important friends.

Please bear with us by fully reading the instructions below. They are

very important. By joining the list, you acknowledge that you have read

and fully understand these guidelines.

We facilitators are here to give information and support, help members

take back control of their own lives, and make this list a safe place.

You can reach us by sending an email to ModOasis-owneregroups

DO NOT USE THIS ADDRESS TO SEND LIST MAIL.

* Randi Kreger: Randi has cowritten one book and three booklets about

BPD, with another book on the way. Stop Walking on Eggshells is in its

sixth printing with a total print run of 25,000 copies. Randi founded

the first Non-BP lists, gives seminars across the USA for clinicians and

laypeople. She was a presenter at two Non-BP gatherings. In addition she

is a PR and marketing consultant with 18 years of experience.

* P. MSW: (aka Bear) is a therapist with 15 years of

experience. He has worked in private practice, hospitals, addiction

treatment centers and even prisons. BPD and the other personality

disorders have been a long-term interest of his. He has been on lists as

a participant and a facilitator. has taught social sciences on the

college level and has worked as an alcohol and drug consultant to two

colleges and one university. says, " I look forward to sharing the

lists with people who are working to understand BPD. " Jim cannot and

will not provide therapy on the list, however he can provide information

in a supportive and helpful way.

* Edith: Edith has been a listmember since early 1996. She had both a

mother and a hubby with a significant number of both BPD and NPD traits

(both are now deceased). While juggling family responsibilities (two

children) and a teaching schedule (private music students), she returned

to college and completed her MA in psychology in 1965. BPD was not then

recognized in the DSM and, as there were no answers, she went the

teaching route at a community college level -- statistics,

psychobiology, and research methods -- for the next 37 years. Five years

ago, when she went on the Internet, she found Randi's first email

support group and it was then that the lights began to turn on. Edith

has been an active member on several of the WelcomeToOz lists since.

We're friendly people. If you have a question, ask! We reserve the

right to be regular people, to make mistakes, and to try to correct them

when we do so. Please remember we are volunteers. Our payment is seeing

the lists run smoothly and watching people get out of them what they

need.

II. BORING TECHNICAL STUFF YOU MUST KNOW

On eGroups, people take care of all their own list-related maintenance:

unsubbing, subbing, changing to digest, etc. Please go to

sign up using a password, and remember that password.

If someone else has access to your Internet account, please use a unique

password and DO NOT click on REMEMBER MY NAME. If you do, someone else

can send messages from your account.

Going to

/group/ModOasis

allows you to do everything you need to do, such as subscribe and

unsubscribe. Please note that the software does not permit attachments

or forwards of mail.

Egroups is easy, and there is a help button. If you have followed the

directions and still have not been successful, please forward your email

and the responding email (if any) to

ModOasis-ownereGroups

and we will help.

We reserve the right to not reply to people who will not read the

directions and will not try to follow them.

Changes make take minutes or hours to take effect. Sometimes eGgroups

has problems and posts are delayed. Please know that no one is holding

up your post. When eGroups informs us that there is a problem, we pass

it along. eGroups is a free service and no money is exchanged to or from

eGroups and these lists. So when there are problems, we just try to grin

and bear it for a few hours or a day or two.

The names and descriptions of the other lists within the WTO group and

the URLs or addresses to access them are on the BPD Central website at

http://www.BPDCentral.com

You can belong to as many groups as you like and have time for. We

suggest that you read several posts to get oriented, then introduce

yourself.

About posting: This is a wonderful group. But some people are, how shall

we say, technically challenged and do not understand how to use their

email programs. The 20% who don't make things challenging for the rest

of us.

Please, if you do not understand how to use your email program, do not

attach pages of long former posts for everyone one on the list to

reread. In one thread, this pages-long post can get reprinted 10 times.

The solution: Call SOMEONE who knows whatever email program you have and

ask them how to do " Cut and Paste " to keep only the essential paragraph

that you are replying to.

By the same token, many emails refer to things said when they DON'T

include a snippet and people are completely lost. Usually it goes

something like this: " Yes, I agree, , but what about using PUVAS

in that situation. " What situation? If you want feedback, include

something so we can refer back to what the original post was about.

And finally, please do not press reply and create the subject line

" Re: Digest Number 178 " . Please actually think about what

you're writing and write a subject like a headline, question, or

comment. Or at least " About XYZ. " This helps people wade through

messages for the ones that are important to them.

Finally, we're not all English majors and some use English as a second

language. But the easier your post is to read, the more people will read

it and respond. If English is your second language, say so and we will

cut you some slack.

III. YOUR RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES

It is your obligation to know and follow these guidelines before

posting. Your participation on the list acknowledges you have read and

agreed to these guidelines. If you do not agree, please do not become a

list member until your question or concern is resolved. If you ever have

a question or concern about these guidelines, please write to

ModOasis-owneregroups

If you feel someone has violated them, please DO NOT respond online;

please forward the post and your comments to ModOasis-owneregroups

1. It is your RIGHT to a safe atmosphere where you feel comfortable

discussing very personal issues. To create this atmosphere, you have

several RESPONSIBILITIES. They are:

a) We are all at different stages, we all have different situations,

and we all have different considerations and backgrounds. Please do not

be judgmental about how another person lives their life--if you do, you

will make it harder for others to post for fear of being judged. It

takes some people a lot of courage to speak up, and a Dr. -type

" don't be so stupid " approach can do a lot of harm. Please be gentle.

And people will be gentle with you.

Treat other list members in a courteous manner, and please act

respectfully toward others even if you disagree with their opinions.

Flaming (lashing out at someone) disrupts the entire list, so we take it

very seriously and handle it ASAP. Please don't make issues personal or

take things personally if someone does not do this. Forward the post to

us.

c) Conflicts will happen. That's life. It's a chance to practice calmly

stating your needs, wants and opinions, listening to others and coming

to a solution together. Great practice for a Non used to belittlement,

black and white thinking and blaming.

d) eGroups policy under " member conduct " prohibits uploading, posting,

emailing or otherwise transmitting any Content that is " unlawful,

harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, tortious, defamatory, vulgar,

obscene, libelous, invasive of another's privacy, hateful, or racially,

ethnically or otherwise objectionable. "

e) The facilitators cannot control the offlist actions of list members.

As these are lists about brain disorders, it's possible that people with

their own issues and agendas may email you in an attempt to involve you

in their own chaotic dramas. (Some people become offlist " corespondents "

because they have been prohibited from harassing people onlist.) Of

course, it is your choice how to respond to this type of mail. If you

don't want to become involved, we suggest not responding and forwarding

unwanted mail to us. Current list members who purposely harass members

offlist may be dropped.

f) Similarly, please contact us if posts on the list seem

inappropriate. PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND ONLIST. This merely creates a nasty

ongoing thread. Also, if you flame the person back you will also be

breaking the guidelines.

g) People not on the list for the stated purpose may be removed.

h) There may be other actions not specifically mentioned here that may

result in an unsafe atmosphere. (For example, we do not specifically

have a guideline about making bomb threats. So we reserve the right to

use our common sense and make overall decisions based on list safety.)

2. Confidentiality is your RIGHT for both you and your BPD parent. So:

a) Please keep your passwords private. Do not let anyone else have

access to your eGroups account. If anyone else in your life feels it is

their right to read the mail of others, please tell them it is against

the guidelines of this group and refer them to

ModOasis-owneregroups

Keep all posts confidential and do not show them to others or repost

them on other lists without permission (except for quoting the other

person in your reply, of course.) Paraphrasing is OK. Short quotes are

generally OK, especially when kept within the WTO lists.

c) Unless you receive permission from each list member, you may not

use, collect or download list names for your own purposes. This is also

against eGroups guidelines, which prohibits " harvesting or otherwise

collecting information about others, including email addresses, without

their consent. " An example would be sending a mass mailing of your own

to list members without their permission. This violation of privacy will

result in immediate removal from the list to protect the privacy of

others.

d) For increased confidentiality go to Yahoo.com, Excite.com, or

another site that offers free web-based email. Create a new email

address for yourself, and subscribe using another name. When it asks you

for your REAL name, we suggest you use a nickname. If you use your real

name, it will appear onlist.

e) Since the person with BPD in your life has NOT chosen to reveal

information about him/herself, please do not reveal details that would

invade the privacy of the BP (e.g., " My mother is an actress who is in a

TV show where she plays a postal worker who moonlights as a dance

instructor. " )

f) One of the facilitators is a writer. However, her own philosophy and

U.S. laws prevent her from using anyone's post. Legally, you retain

copyright of everything you write. (This is also one of the reasons why

you need to ask permission to repost the work of others.)

3. It is your RIGHT to read posts reflecting the purpose of this list.

However, it is also your RIGHT to have fun and get to know other

members. Therefore it is your RESPONSIBILITY to:

a) Keep in mind that anything you write is going to people who have

busy lives. Please keep posts on topic. If you have off-topic

information you feel is important, simply put it at the end of a post

about BPD or mark it " Off Topic " , " Fun Time " , or something appropriate.

People need to laugh and some posting of this nature can be healthy. If

you want to chat, the info is on the BPD Central website.

Please be very specific with subject lines. If you want to talk

about treatment for BPD, the subject line QUESTION ABOUT DEPAKOTE will

elicit more of the responses you are looking for than, MEDICATION or

worse yet, RE: DIGEST NO. 123. If a thread has changed, please rename it

to reflect the content.

c) To keep down list clutter, please avoid one line posts that do not

add substantially to the discussion or should be sent privately.

4. It is your RIGHT to get up to speed and feel comfortable about asking

basic questions. However, it is your RESPONSIBILITY to know the

information available to you already and understand that some have taken

advantage of these resources.

a) This list, like most Non-BP lists, uses concepts and language taken

from the book STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS by Mason, MS and Randi

Kreger. You will get the most out of this list if you have read the

book. Info on how to order is available on the BPD Central website.

The WTO lists have abbreviations and their own vernacular. Words

commonly used on this list include:

* BF: boyfriend.

* BP: person in your life who has BPD or whom YOU THINK has BPD traits.

* BPSO: BPD Significant Other. XBPSO=Ex BPSO (this has many variations).

* DEAR: Communication technique used to set limits and ask for things.

See the www.BPDCentral.com library.

* Distortion campaign: a deliberate attempt by someone to smear your

name because they have split you as all bad. They feel justified and may

tell lies or truly believe their distortions. May or may not involve the

law.

* DSM-IV: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual edition 4 published by the

American Psychiatric Association. Used for diagnostic and insurance

purposes.

* fada: One's BPD father (see nada, below).

* FOG: fear, obligation and guilt, which make you susceptible to

emotional blackmail.

* GF: girlfriend.

* Hoovered: after the vacuum cleaner, to be sucked back into the

relationship for another ride on BP the rollercoaster.

* Intermittent reinforcement: when good outcomes happen on an

unpredictable schedule, thereby reinforcing behavior. Examples: when the

BP sometimes acts " normal, " when you sometimes don't observe limits

(this is reinforcing to the BP).

* KO: The child/children/'kid of' a parent with BPD.

* Light Bulb Effect: the realization that you're not crazy and BPD may

explain the other person's behavior.

* Lasagna therapy: A type of therapy whereby lasagna is dumped over the

head of a BP who constantly criticizes the way one eats--so much one

won't eat with the family anymore. Salad dumping in the lap is an

adjunct part of this therapy. Currently under double-bind test trials at

several prestigious universities.

* L and L: The booklet " Love and Loathing " .

* Mirroring: Not absorbing the BP's projections and reflecting them back

to the BP.

* MF: The BPD ('monster') father.

* MM: The BPD ('monster') mother.

* nada: The BPD mother, who is " not a " (nada) mother in the true sense

of the word.

* Non-BP: Person who is affected by someone else's BPD, eg you and your

family.

* NPD: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

* Oz: the " Twilight Zone " feeling of not knowing what is real because of

the BP's distortions.

* PAS: parental alienation syndrome: when a parent deliberately and

repeatedly makes the other parent the " bad guy " and the child believes

the accusations (such as " daddy doesn't love you. " ) A form of child

abuse.

* PITA -pain in the _ss

* Projection: When a person denies certain feelings by attributing them

to someone else.

* PUVAS and DEAR: communication techniques you can download at the

www.BPDCentral.com library.

* SO: Significant other.

* Splitting: black and white thinking practiced by both Nons and BPs.

* Sponging: Absorbing the BP's projections and bad feelings. (See

" mirroring " )

* SWOE: the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells. "

* Trigger: not a horse, but something that takes a person back to an

earlier trauma. They respond to the current situation and also relive

the past one. For example, a BP's criticism about your clothes triggers

you because your father did the same thing.

4. It is your RIGHT to set personal limits around this list. However, it

is your RESPONSIBILITY to accept if others don't do so and not take it

personally.

This list is, in a way, a safe world of its own that can help teach you

the tools you need for coping with BPD behavior. You may find you need

to learn to set personal boundaries such as:

a) Not feeling the need to like everyone or read their posts.

Not rescuing others in trouble or who have major problems.

c) Not doing for others what they can do for themselves.

d) Not responding to attempts to bait you and pull you into someone

else's drama or chaos.

e) Ask for what you need from the list if you are not getting it.

f) Learning it's possible to disagree with ideas without flaming a

person or expecting to get flamed in return.

g) Not feeling the need to read every post and respond because you'd

rather do something else.

f) Bringing up concerns to us instead of letting them go.

g) Acknowledging other people will live their lives the way they want,

not the way you want.

h) Also, please feel free to offer support, suggestions, validation,

your own stories and so forth. But please refrain from giving direct

advice about major life decisions. Our purpose is to empower people to

make their own decisions.

You will find that some posts or people may strike an emotion in you,

from rage to joy. Usually this teaches you about how you feel about

something in your own life. These are gifts.

Anyone who posts is acknowledging the following: they have read and

accepted these guidelines, and they agree that those who *knowingly*

break them, cause chaos, or make ModOasis unsafe for others may be

removed as a last resort.

People moderated or banned have the RIGHT to understand specifically

what behaviors have led to banning, and to become part of the list again

once we believe the behavior will not be repeated. List members also

agree that although people may offer advice, they are still responsible

for the decisions they make in their own life.

Copyright Randi Kreger 2000. Registration with Federal Copyright Office

in progress.

Randi Kreger

List owner, Welcome To Oz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

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ModOasis List Guidelines

http://eGroups.com/group/ModOasis

http://www.BPDCentral.com

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