examples of UNDERSTAND in PUVAS

[Guest guest]

> Thanks. Seems that helping

> them with rational thinking is the goal, to whatever

> degree they can attain that.

She is speaking of the " understanding fully " part of PUVAS.

Not just help them think, but give you time to think, to get more specific

information, uncover assumptioms,...get to WHY they are feeling that way,

e.g., let's say the BP says:

" You must hate me "

The average person would say " No, I don't " or whatever they were feeling. But

when you ask, " Why do you say that? " the answer might be: " Because you did

XYZ. "

At that point, since you know that in Oz, Feelings Become Facts, so this

tells you what was said or done (by you or others) that led to the feeling.

Then you can talk about a very specific XYZ instead of the vague " You must

hate me. " And since it buys you time, you get another benefit: the BP feels

LISTENED TO which is SO SO SO important. You get more info, you get time.

It's really a win-win, the way I see it.

Keep in mind that:

1. PUVAS can only be used in some circumstances; when the BP is most able to

have an actual problemsolving situation and seems to want to communicate. It

is NOT USED for rages, snipping, or other times when the BP has shut off.

(See SWOE)

2. The BP may not tell you the truth about why they're angry, especially high

functioning ones. They may not know. A 38 year old mother is not going to

say, " I " m jealous that it's our daughter's birthday and you're paying more

attention to her, and it reminds me that when I was little no one ever did

the same for me. " The 38 year old BP knows in her logical mind that won't

make sense. So she might say, " I'm furious because you got a chocolate

birthday cake instead of a vanilla one. "

So that can lead to more " understanding fully " .

You could say, " I can tell you're angry that I picked up the wrong cake

(validation, shows you're listening) but your anger seems out of proportion

to what happened, since everyone seems to be enjoying the caake. Is anything

else the matter? "

Now again, NO COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUE CURES BPD. Sometimes chemotherapy

works, sometimes people die of cancer. But we don't say the therapy NEVER

works. Each person is different, and you probably know best.

But the more you ask questions thoughtfuly and unsarcastically, the more they

will feel listened to. And you don't have to AGREE, you're just making sure

you understand. You might say: " I want to make sure exactly why you're

feeling this way so we can solve this together, Is it XYZ? "

If the person is raging, remember: see the SWOE chapter on safety. DO NOT

ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE ABUSED. WHEN THE BP IS RAGING, THEY BIOLOGICALLY CANNOT

TAKE IN INFORMATION. Saying, " I can see you're very upset; let's talk about

this after the party " or " I would rather talk with you when we are both

feeling calmer. Let's deal with it later. "

NOTE: An aggressive statement like, " I won't have you rage at me, " " You're

out of control, " or anything that is blaming can just add lighter to the

fire. When you say " Wait until we are both feeling calmer " that will make

more sense to the BP because she may be projecting feelings onto you anyway.

Randi Kreger

List owner, Welcome To Oz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

www.BPDCentral.com