Re: re-establishing contact (NOT!)

[Guest guest]

" Does this make me a bad daughter. Or, I'm I just being selfish

and trying to hurt her back. "

>

Interesting how you chose to word that last question. [This is so

easy when it's about anyone else but me.] No, staying alive,

healthy, and rejecting an abusive relationship does not make you a

bad daughter. And no(!), you are not just trying to hurt her.

> Help!!

>

> My mom contacted me last week and would like to sit down and have a

> 'talk' with me. She asked me by letter several months ago not to

> contact her again unless I was willing to go in therapy with her.

She

> accused me of treating her rudely, cold and disrespectfully.

>

> I ned support in my efforts to not get FOGed. I know what a 'talk'

> is. I've had to endure so many. It is nothing more than a way for

> her to attack me emotionally. Nothing is ever her fault.

Everything I

> say gets twisted into an attack on her. Then comes the infamous.

> " when since yourrrr'e so obviously comfortable telling me about

what

> I'vvvve done wrong, let me tell you how I feel. "

>

> I feel so guilty. She is my mother. I know by not allowing her to

> attack me I'll hurt her and that in itself is painful for me. I

> somehow began putting up boundaries before I knew about BP and what

I

> was doing. Every limit I gently set: laughing and changing

> the subject, ignoring the suicide threats, pretending the loaded

barbs

> hadn't struck, just became a game to her. I really had reached the

> point when it honestly didn't bother me. That's when the campaign

> began.

>

> My therapist reminded me that only if she can hurt me can she

truely

> believe that I love her. Does that mean I have to allow her to

> continue her attacks? NO! This women, verbally, mentally and

> physically abused me as a child and continued to do so into my

adult

> life. She made me chose between her and any other relationship in

my

> life, she damaged my sense of self-worth every chance she could and

> when she couldn't she's tell me I was just like her, strong and

> assertive. Even if she told me that she recongizes the BP in her

and

> is in therapy, I dont' think I'd ever be able to let my guard down

and

> feel comfortable around her.

>

> Does this make me a bad daughter. Or, I'm I just being selfish and

> trying to hurt her back.

>

> j

[Guest guest]

> Does this make me a bad daughter. Or, I'm I just being selfish and

> trying to hurt her back.

No, you are just trying to protect yourself.

Hang on here for some `FOG detoxification'

Hugs,

Bagira

[Guest guest]

<<<

Does this make me a bad daughter. Or, I'm I just being selfish and

trying to hurt her back.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Absolutely NOT!! I haven't had any contact since October and with each day I

feel better.

At first I felt guilty, but that was the " nada " voice. Eventually, I found

myself on the other side of the foggy mirror and realized that I need not feel

guilty - she should! Nada has also tried to suck me back in with letters and an

Easter check for the kids, but it got thrown in the garbage where it belongs.

She'll always see it as my fault (projection) and so we are going on with our

lives without her. Her problem - not mine or my kids. The upside is I'm

sleeping much less and my life is better!!

You, too, can get there!

Hugs,

Ilene in TX

[Guest guest]

<<<

Does this make me a bad daughter. Or, I'm I just being selfish and

trying to hurt her back.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Absolutely NOT!! I haven't had any contact since October and with each day I

feel better.

At first I felt guilty, but that was the " nada " voice. Eventually, I found

myself on the other side of the foggy mirror and realized that I need not feel

guilty - she should! Nada has also tried to suck me back in with letters and an

Easter check for the kids, but it got thrown in the garbage where it belongs.

She'll always see it as my fault (projection) and so we are going on with our

lives without her. Her problem - not mine or my kids. The upside is I'm

sleeping much less and my life is better!!

You, too, can get there!

Hugs,

Ilene in TX