[modoasis] BPD fleas

[Guest guest]

Regarding BPD " fleas " (BPD traits that stick to us as a result of being

raised by a BPD parent), wrote:

>Thank you for this... I was wondering about this myself... so many of >the

>traits I worked hard to free myself from seemed like emulations of >their

>behavior which I later recognized as unhealthy and abnormal... >growing up

>with BPDs as role models, it's probably only natural that we >would attempt

>to be " like " them.. and of course, when I ended up in >the " real world " ,

>those traits were big hindrances to me. I guess the >fact that I was able

>to recognize this, identify them and begin to work >at changing them gives

>me some peace of mind, but I do wonder sometimes >how much worse my own

>mental health could have gotten had I remained >close to the path my family

>had laidout for me.

I too have found these traits (they used to be coping mechanisms!) a big

problem now that I'm an adult. And I think that recognizing and working on

eliminating these traits is a huge dividing line between us and most BPs.

This statement in particular struck home:

" but I do wonder sometimes how much worse my own mental health could have

gotten had I remained close to the path my family had laidout for me. "

When my mom started this distortion campaign against my dad (accusing him of

emotional abuse), I had the very physical sensation of a bullet just missing

my head. It suddenly became very clear to me that it would have been

extremely easy for me to choose the same path she did. I was frightened to

see how closely some of my recently rooted out behaviors mirrored hers. I

also feel that I am in the unique position of being in sisterhood with my

victimizer. I'm convinced that my mom suffered at the hands of her mother

everything I have suffered at the hands of my own. So while I have empathy

for what she's gone through, I find myself also coping with the anger -

after all she's the one that inflicted those things on me.

So, I would guess that my mom and I had essentially similar upbringings -but

she developed BPD and I did not. If we set aside the " nature " argument,

i.e., is there a physical cause for BPD (I think I'm justified in setting

this aside, considering the fact that if there is a genetic predisposition

for BPD, I would probably have that too), this means that I am not a BP only

because of how I chose to deal with my upbringing. Meaning, one bad choice

and I potentially could have gone down the wrong path. I don't know how

much truth there is to this, but it is certainly the feeling that I have.

And the source of some strange emotions - extreme fear mixed with incredible

relief. I feel like I was sliding down a steep slope, and I just happened

to grab the right thing that stopped me one inch short of the precipice. It

almost feels like luck or chance that I didn't end up with BPD. I mean,

what made my choices different from my mother's? A huge motivating factor

has been the desire to not be like her, but I have to believe she felt the

same thing about her own mother (I know that she hated her). So how did I

end up here instead of there? I would like to believe that it has something

to do with what a great person I am (ha, ha), but it scares me to consider

that it could just have been random luck.

Does anybody else have these feelings? Specifically - do you feel a certain

empathy for your abuser (based on the belief that they have suffered the

same things you have) while at the same time being angry at them for what

they have done? And do you have the same sense that you " just missed " being

a BP?

Love to all,

Anon

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