I'm back!

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

Whew... I've been back from vacation for a bit and trying to get through the

(literally) hundreds of messages that landed in my inbox while I was gone! I

still have a ways to go, but I love reading everyone's stories. I'm thrilled

to see so many new Oasans -- our little group seems to grow every day.

I've been on this list since last October, so for those of you who are new, a

little background about myself...

I'm a late 20s female with an undiagnosed BP mom. I have a wonderful (but

co-dependent) father who is still married to nada, and a younger brother who is

painfully unaware of his bad case of fleas. Nada had an absolutely hellish

childhood (she had a satan-nada) but, despite her shortcomings, actually

managed to not completely re-create that hell for me (for which I am grateful).

I sometimes wonder if she just has a REALLY REALLY BAD case of the fleas (I

think she's in that no-man's-land between fleas and BPD). She rarely raged,

but is extremely insecure and manipulative (I see all 4 archetypes in her --

mainly Queen and Waif, though, and sometimes Witch). She has an incredibly

poor sense of self, and spends her time shoring it up by any means necessary.

This meant that I could never be angry/mad at her, or express sadness. I was

required to obey her without question. Even now, she interprets any decision

to do things differently from her as an attack and is constantly engaged in

insidious attempts to make you do things " her way " , thus validating her choices

as " right " . For example, I pursue alternative health care (acupuncture,

reflexology, vitamins, diet, etc.) to try to maintain my health. Nada, on the

other hand, has always chosen mainstream health care. She has been diagnosed

with fibromyalgia, some un-named sleep disorder, and suffers from headaches and

generalized pain. For this, she takes (separately and in combination) vicodan,

percodan, dilaudid suppositories (e.g., morphine), ambien, flexeril, synaquon

(sp?), antidepressants and so many other pills I could never dream of keeping

them straight. I have problems with fatigue and back pain (both of which I now

believe are related to my emotional/psychological state), and she is constantly

pushing her latest " wonder " drug on me. I tried explaining to her that I

preferred to treat my " ailments " " naturally " and not " chemically " . This

resulted in her telling me that her latest " wonder " drug was " natural " and

" organic " (I like to eat organic food, you see). A quick perusal of the

Physicians Desk Reference revealed it to be a controlled, synthetic narcotic

(for her the ends ALWAYS justify the means). While I would never choose the

path she has taken (I don't even like taking aspirin), I am NOT HER (a

distinction she has difficulty with) and she is free to do whatever she wants.

She seems incapable of understanding this, however, and continues her attempts

to manipulate me into her paradigm (to the point where I won't even discuss my

physical condition with her anymore, I just tell her I'm doing " fine " ).

This " better living through chemicals " belief also meshes nicely with the

message I have been receiving my whole life that I am broken/wrong/bad. It's

amazing how thoroughly this idea permeates my view of myself (and, I believe,

nada's view of me) -- physically, emotionally, intellectually. For example, I

have slightly irregular periods (they don't come EXACTLY every 28 days)

accompanied by extremely mild cramping. Every so often, nada will interrogate

me about this and declare that I had better get in to see an OBGYN because

there is something WRONG with me and it needs to be fixed.

All of this has resulted in a lifetime of denial... denying my feelings, my

thoughts, my very self. So, my life to this point has been filled with shame

(I just recently realized this) -- instilled by the constant messages that

there is something wrong with me. My current challenge, then, is to re-wire my

thinking so that I believe that I AM GOOD, I AM LOVEABLE, I AM SMART, I AM

WORTHY, I CAN FIGURE THINGS OUT, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME, IT'S OKAY TO FEEL,

I CAN STAND UP FOR MYSELF, I AM WORTH STANDING UP FOR, etc., etc., etc.

I used to closely regulate and censor my feelings, to the point where I didn't

even give MYSELF permission to feel them (they were " bad " afterall). Recently

I have taken some baby steps towards changing this. While I am still terrified

and overwhelmed by my " bad " feelings (pretty much any strong emotion -- be it

happy, mad, sad), it's becoming easier and easier to not instantly deny and

suppress them. I have even been able to share them with my husband on a few

occasions (with spectacularly wonderful results). I still have shame, but I'm

better at identifying it (the first step to dealing with it). And, I'm feeling

less and less shame at having feelings (thus making it easier to feel and share

them).

My goal, then, is to stop nada's family legacy in its tracks, and create a

wonderfully HAPPY life for myself and a HEALTHY family for myself, my wonderful

husband and (still to come) child(ren). Because I deserve it.

Well (as usual <g>!) this was longer than intended, but should serve as a

decent introduction to me (for the " newbies " ) and an update as to where I'm at

(for the " oldies " ).

Hugs to all,

Anon

P.S. I've been reading a book on shame that seems good so far. When I finish,

I will post a " review " .

__________________________________________________