Re: Advice Needed

November 25, 2001

Usually the person with BPD has to come to the knowledge themselves. There

isn't much you can do if they don't want help. It's a catch-22 type of disorder

unfortunately. Have you ordered SWOE? This is really helpful!

Ilene

November 25, 2001

Usually the person with BPD has to come to the knowledge themselves. There

isn't much you can do if they don't want help. It's a catch-22 type of disorder

unfortunately. Have you ordered SWOE? This is really helpful!

Ilene

November 25, 2001

Usually the person with BPD has to come to the knowledge themselves. There

isn't much you can do if they don't want help. It's a catch-22 type of disorder

unfortunately. Have you ordered SWOE? This is really helpful!

Ilene

November 25, 2001

This is a very tricky situation. Although every BP is unique,

and some certainly do seek treatment and recover, it seems they

are few and far between. While you can certainly hope that the

child's mother is one of these, I wouldn't hold your breath.

In the meantime, you can try to do things to counter the damage

BPmom is doing to her child. It's impossible to shield her from

her mother, but you (and/or grandmother) *can* provide

unconditional love (most BPs only give conditional love, and the

child comes to believe that it is THEIR fault when the love

stops coming). Try to be a steady and predictable person in the

midst of the emotional maelstrom that is life with a BP. Let

the child freely express her emotions -- don't tell her she's

" bad " or " wrong " . Especially let her get angry -- this is

something few BPs tolerate, but it's so important to be able to

do this. It's possible that the girl has already started to

" stuff " her feelings, and may be reluctant or awkward to share

them with you. I am not a therapist, so I can't tell you how

you might do this, but if you could somehow try to encourage her

to open up, this might help her. Just let her know that you're

there for her, that you love her no matter what (if you do, that

is), and that she can count on you.

Although it may be difficult, I would refrain from bad-mouthing

the mother. I believe that a child of that age just cannot

understand the complexities of BPD. She may become defensive if

she believes that her mother is being attacked. Just try to be

steady and calm for her.

Another big issue is how you act with the BP. I don't know if

you are still romantically involved with the mother, but

children learn a lot by watching how their parents interact

(whether biological or not). If you are able to set and defend

boundaries with the mother; if you are honest and

straightforward, and resist passive-aggressive behavior; all of

this is important. If you fear the mother's anger and act

accordingly, the daughter will learn that this is what you are

supposed to do, and she will follow suit. This gives her the

message that " keeping mom from getting angry is the most

important thing, even if it means doing something I don't want

to do, or not doing something that I do want to do. " One of the

biggest problems us KOs have is that our whole lives have been

centered on keeping everyone around us happy (with nada first

and foremost). We learned at her knee that it was right to

sacrifice our own needs and wants just to keep the peace. This

is a bad lesson, and if possible, you should try to teach her

that it doesn't have to be this way.

I hope this has been helpful. Please keep writing if you have

other questions. I think we would all be happy to help a child

that is walking down the same painful path we've taken.

Anon

--- Rob4Dob@... wrote:

> I have a BPgf with a 6 year old daughter (not my natural

> child).

> Currently, they have moved out (I made her leave) and are

> staying

> with her mom (the little girl's grandmother). The grandmother

> is

> aware of the BPD in her daughter yet like the rest of us nons,

>

> realizes there isn't much she can do about the BPD daughter.

> Any of

> you have any advice for me? The gramdmnother and I are

> working

> closely together trying to gently make her daughter aware of

> how she

> is hurting others and hoping she will eventually make the

> choice to

> get help.

>

__________________________________________________

November 25, 2001

This is a very tricky situation. Although every BP is unique,

and some certainly do seek treatment and recover, it seems they

are few and far between. While you can certainly hope that the

child's mother is one of these, I wouldn't hold your breath.

In the meantime, you can try to do things to counter the damage

BPmom is doing to her child. It's impossible to shield her from

her mother, but you (and/or grandmother) *can* provide

unconditional love (most BPs only give conditional love, and the

child comes to believe that it is THEIR fault when the love

stops coming). Try to be a steady and predictable person in the

midst of the emotional maelstrom that is life with a BP. Let

the child freely express her emotions -- don't tell her she's

" bad " or " wrong " . Especially let her get angry -- this is

something few BPs tolerate, but it's so important to be able to

do this. It's possible that the girl has already started to

" stuff " her feelings, and may be reluctant or awkward to share

them with you. I am not a therapist, so I can't tell you how

you might do this, but if you could somehow try to encourage her

to open up, this might help her. Just let her know that you're

there for her, that you love her no matter what (if you do, that

is), and that she can count on you.

Although it may be difficult, I would refrain from bad-mouthing

the mother. I believe that a child of that age just cannot

understand the complexities of BPD. She may become defensive if

she believes that her mother is being attacked. Just try to be

steady and calm for her.

Another big issue is how you act with the BP. I don't know if

you are still romantically involved with the mother, but

children learn a lot by watching how their parents interact

(whether biological or not). If you are able to set and defend

boundaries with the mother; if you are honest and

straightforward, and resist passive-aggressive behavior; all of

this is important. If you fear the mother's anger and act

accordingly, the daughter will learn that this is what you are

supposed to do, and she will follow suit. This gives her the

message that " keeping mom from getting angry is the most

important thing, even if it means doing something I don't want

to do, or not doing something that I do want to do. " One of the

biggest problems us KOs have is that our whole lives have been

centered on keeping everyone around us happy (with nada first

and foremost). We learned at her knee that it was right to

sacrifice our own needs and wants just to keep the peace. This

is a bad lesson, and if possible, you should try to teach her

that it doesn't have to be this way.

I hope this has been helpful. Please keep writing if you have

other questions. I think we would all be happy to help a child

that is walking down the same painful path we've taken.

Anon

--- Rob4Dob@... wrote:

> I have a BPgf with a 6 year old daughter (not my natural

> child).

> Currently, they have moved out (I made her leave) and are

> staying

> with her mom (the little girl's grandmother). The grandmother

> is

> aware of the BPD in her daughter yet like the rest of us nons,

>

> realizes there isn't much she can do about the BPD daughter.

> Any of

> you have any advice for me? The gramdmnother and I are

> working

> closely together trying to gently make her daughter aware of

> how she

> is hurting others and hoping she will eventually make the

> choice to

> get help.

>

__________________________________________________

November 25, 2001

This is a very tricky situation. Although every BP is unique,

and some certainly do seek treatment and recover, it seems they

are few and far between. While you can certainly hope that the

child's mother is one of these, I wouldn't hold your breath.

In the meantime, you can try to do things to counter the damage

BPmom is doing to her child. It's impossible to shield her from

her mother, but you (and/or grandmother) *can* provide

unconditional love (most BPs only give conditional love, and the

child comes to believe that it is THEIR fault when the love

stops coming). Try to be a steady and predictable person in the

midst of the emotional maelstrom that is life with a BP. Let

the child freely express her emotions -- don't tell her she's

" bad " or " wrong " . Especially let her get angry -- this is

something few BPs tolerate, but it's so important to be able to

do this. It's possible that the girl has already started to

" stuff " her feelings, and may be reluctant or awkward to share

them with you. I am not a therapist, so I can't tell you how

you might do this, but if you could somehow try to encourage her

to open up, this might help her. Just let her know that you're

there for her, that you love her no matter what (if you do, that

is), and that she can count on you.

Although it may be difficult, I would refrain from bad-mouthing

the mother. I believe that a child of that age just cannot

understand the complexities of BPD. She may become defensive if

she believes that her mother is being attacked. Just try to be

steady and calm for her.

Another big issue is how you act with the BP. I don't know if

you are still romantically involved with the mother, but

children learn a lot by watching how their parents interact

(whether biological or not). If you are able to set and defend

boundaries with the mother; if you are honest and

straightforward, and resist passive-aggressive behavior; all of

this is important. If you fear the mother's anger and act

accordingly, the daughter will learn that this is what you are

supposed to do, and she will follow suit. This gives her the

message that " keeping mom from getting angry is the most

important thing, even if it means doing something I don't want

to do, or not doing something that I do want to do. " One of the

biggest problems us KOs have is that our whole lives have been

centered on keeping everyone around us happy (with nada first

and foremost). We learned at her knee that it was right to

sacrifice our own needs and wants just to keep the peace. This

is a bad lesson, and if possible, you should try to teach her

that it doesn't have to be this way.

I hope this has been helpful. Please keep writing if you have

other questions. I think we would all be happy to help a child

that is walking down the same painful path we've taken.

Anon

--- Rob4Dob@... wrote:

> I have a BPgf with a 6 year old daughter (not my natural

> child).

> Currently, they have moved out (I made her leave) and are

> staying

> with her mom (the little girl's grandmother). The grandmother

> is

> aware of the BPD in her daughter yet like the rest of us nons,

>

> realizes there isn't much she can do about the BPD daughter.

> Any of

> you have any advice for me? The gramdmnother and I are

> working

> closely together trying to gently make her daughter aware of

> how she

> is hurting others and hoping she will eventually make the

> choice to

> get help.

>

__________________________________________________

November 26, 2001

My advice would be to make sure that you validate her

feelings. She needs to know that if her mother yells

at her and calls her names that she's not at fault and

to know that it actually did happen.

--- Rob4Dob@... wrote:

> I have a BPgf with a 6 year old daughter (not my

> natural child).

> Currently, they have moved out (I made her leave)

> and are staying

> with her mom (the little girl's grandmother). The

> grandmother is

> aware of the BPD in her daughter yet like the rest

> of us nons,

> realizes there isn't much she can do about the BPD

> daughter. Any of

> you have any advice for me? The gramdmnother and I

> are working

> closely together trying to gently make her daughter

> aware of how she

> is hurting others and hoping she will eventually

> make the choice to

> get help.

>

__________________________________________________

November 26, 2001

----- Original Message -----

From: Rob4Dob@...

I have a BPgf with a 6 year old daughter (not my natural child).

Currently, they have moved out (I made her leave) and are staying

with her mom (the little girl's grandmother). The grandmother is

aware of the BPD in her daughter yet like the rest of us nons,

realizes there isn't much she can do about the BPD daughter. Any of

you have any advice for me? The gramdmnother and I are working

closely together trying to gently make her daughter aware of how she

is hurting others and hoping she will eventually make the choice to

get help

The only thing I can suggest is have the grandmother learn all she can about

this mental illness... maybe buy the book Understanding the borderline Mother.

The grandmother can do much in combating the abuse that comes from her mother.

Kids understand much more than we give them credit... Have the grandmother talk

to her honestly... and validate her often.

I think you are in a very difficult situation. You have no rights when it

comes to protecting or even being around this little girl and you can be force

out of her life in a heartbeat. If you are planning on staying with this woman,

you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of abuse, you can and most likely

will become a broken man. I really feel for this little girl, I was her... I

do remember the nice people that supported me when I was a child, and the 1

warning that my mother was mentally ill, this came from the grandmother whom I

loved dearly.

Hugs,

Kris

November 26, 2001