My descent into oz.

[Guest guest]

I hate to ask the question because I fear the answer may not be the

one I want, but where does the line draw between fleas and BPD. When

I read the posts of others here I always seems crystal clear to me

that anyone who is asking the question, who is trying to function and

improve must not be borderline. The borderlines are so resistant to

actually looking at themselves.

When it comes to myself, most of the time I see this the same way,

but occasionally I really fear for my own sanity. Yesterday was one

of those days. Ever since Thanksgiving I have been struggling with

depression and the consequential difficulty in keeping up with my

environment and myself. Cleaning my house becomes an effort when I

need the order of a clean organized environment, etc. It becomes more

difficult to take my vitamins, exercise and take care of myself, just

when my brain chemistry is the most fragile and needs support. I have

never taken nor want to take antidepressant medications. There are

many reasons I feel this way, and I realize that some people may make

different choices in this area. But that doesn't mean I will not

pay the price if I don't do other natural things to support

myself. Lately I have not been doing them.

When I was a collage student I remember often feeling helplessly out

of control. I was empty and frantic inside and the only things that

would alleviate the pain even a little were going for walks and

swimming. I did a lot of these activities and they were wholesome

things. I also suffered with eating disorders from the time I was in

high school, anorexia changing into bulimia; this was not so

wholesome a method of coping. It's been a long time since I was

actively bulimic but my increasing waistline bears testament that I

still use food as a comforting and numbing agent. The extra pounds

don't help my health and well being one bit.

I have finally started the SWOE book and was reminded that one of the

symptoms of BPD is self-hurting. My mother never cut or physically

hurt herself. As an adult I have never done anything like this but

when I was a child I used to bite myself as a way to avoid crying

(and getting beaten for crying if I was at home or simply being

embarrassed and out of control if I was at school); the physical pain

was able to distract me from the emotional pain I was feeling, and

yet was much less painful and more manageable than the emotional

pain.

For many years I have not felt that frantic emptiness. It had been

long enough that I had sort of forgotten what this state feels like.

I have felt depression sometimes and anxiety often. However I had an

episode of the frantic emptiness yesterday. I image that is the basic

state that my mother has lived in for the majority of her life.

ly it's no wonder that borderlines often turn to drugs,

alcohol, suicide or self-hurting. Whatever makes the pain stop for a

minute or so must seem like a good thing to them. For a moment or two

I think I managed some genuine compassion for my mother and her pain.

Today my back pain is improving to the point that I can move around

again. It's painful and slow going but at least I'm mobile.

The terrible empty feeling is mostly past. And I have the first

headache (not an incapacitating one) that I have gotten since

starting to bare my soul here on this message board. I wonder if I

will ever progress to the point where I can get angry without having

my body fall apart. My theme song: " Still Crazy After All These

Years " has the line " I fear I will do some damage some fine

day. " Well at least the only damage I need to fear I'll do is

to myself. That sets me apart from my Mother.