Re: RE:Ron..on my own death. Warning. rather frank.

[Guest guest]

How wonderful! You cheered me up no end - what a wonderful idea. Never occurred to me.I've 'done' cancer (my way) and I can do dying if I have to - but right now, I'm moving far away on to a more prosaic 'better life' by leaving my Aspie family in order to look after myself and (maybe!) have a bit of fun!!

We've had a tough few years and tears and anger and sadness have been a large part of it. If I can get my laughter back, it would be wonderful - and then I'll make a video of laughter and enjoyment and talk about the things that make me happy. And then my Aspie son will have something to remember me by - I can't imagine him having enough nostalgia for it to mean much, but he may be intrigued enough to watch it once or twice.

I might do without mawkish! Not my style - but you've really given me something to think about. Didn't think I had a legacy for my family, but maybe I have!! ;-)Cheers!A.

Anita,

Thanks for your faith in me; but I have to

confess that the thought of things I say being at all inspirational leaves me

astonished.

I guess in some ways it is a shock because

these things that are so real and true for me have deeply upset those about me

many times in the past. But I am terribly pleased if my letters are of

any use.

Now, as far as my own mortality is

concerned. I've just never been at all concerned about my own

eventual death. It has just not seemed like any big deal. I'll

gladly discuss it, and prepare for it. I've many times gone over

details of just how I'd like my funeral (or/and Wake) to take

place. One fancy I have is to prepare a Videotape of myself talking

to the assembled folks, with comments about how I feel on it all, and

reminiscences of things and people I've enjoyed. I'd tell one

or other of my favourite old jokes, and play some piece or pieces of my

favourite music. In this regard, there is an old 19th century

song that I just love for its theme and message, because it represents so much

of what I hold dear, and can indeed bring tears to my eyes. That is

the piece by Sir Arthur Sullivan called "The Lost Chord:" Modern

day musicians and other folk throw up their hands in horror when I mention it;

but can one really help it when a particular piece of music or poetry or

whatever just touches your heart, - however mawkish, sentimental or old fashioned

it may be? But that I want to either play or quote the words.

I have an old 78 record of the New Zealand Bass Natzke singing this most

beautifully. If anyone doesn't know it or would like to know

the words, I can forward or post them. It's probably well and truly

forgotten in these sophisticated days.

I've got no problems at all with

composing and writing my Will; and for that matter, I can make jokes in the

very worst Aspie fashion about my own demise and the things that go with

it. It has of course been with the pains of bitter experience that

I have learnt to avoid talking about these things in public or in front of

vulnerable people.

My views on the 'after death'

state bear no fears or worries, and in fact the thought of facing that great

unknown is for me a very exciting thing with infinite

possibilities. I cant recall just who wrote it, but a quote I read

many years ago has represented a very profound thought for me. It ran….

"What terror can there be in returning to the place from whence one came?"

Not at all orthodox of course. I suppose that the only reserve I

have about dying is the thought of being interrupted in the middle of some

project or activity or 'voyage of discovery' that I don't want

to leave prematurely. The dying itself doesn't trouble me at

all. As well, I would honestly wish that if I finished up as a

vegetable or completely disabled, someone would help me to die with dignity; or

else I'd gladly do it myself. Watching my sick and elderly

Pussycats pass away with the most beautiful peace and contentment under the

injection in a few cases made me envious of their status, and the benefits that

we offer them in these cases.

My family on Dad's side is very long

lived. His mother was 95, his sister was 98 and he himself was 91.

I'm still in pretty good shape and very lively and slim in physique at

the age of 72, so I fear that I'll be round for some longish time

yet. A lovely story my stepmother told me that just a few days before Dad

died, two or three of his Masonic Brothers came round to visit him. He

was by that time drifting off to sleep in his chair most of the time.

They decided to leave pretty early. But as they prepared to go, Dad

struggled to his feet, walked over to his electric organ, and apparently

played magnificently. His subconscious and his fingers just took over

regardless of his rather fuzzy head. He had no sign of Alzheimers, I must

point out, but he was just going inward and retreating more and more into the

unconscious world by this stage. Apart from a moderate Parkinsons, he had

never had any illness in his life. I've tended to believe

that there was in my father something of the trend towards Aspergers, but not

as developed as my own. I've got a fair bit in common with him, I

think. When he 'went' those few days later, he just

fell out of bed one evening, was taken to the Base Hospital

just down the street, and died about 6 hours later. What a way to

go!

Cant recall who said this, though I have a

feeling it might have been Woody … "Death doesn't worry

me at all. I just don't want to be there when it happens!"

Not my personal thing, but it's a great quote.

And finally, Just one of the dreadful old

jokes that used to amuse me so much when I was young…..

'Did you ever hear about the two worms who were fighting in dead Earnest?'

Ron.

Ron,

Your posts go so far beyond the words themselves, they are truly inspirational.

The section of your post about death was particularly curious as my husband and

I have talked about that subject often. Since the death of our 20

year old niece to ovarian cancer....well, the subject strikes a raw chord.

You articulated so well your thoughts on the death of others. Are you

able to express your thoughts about your own death one day?

My husband speaks of the death of others in a way almost identical to you, he

cannot however speak to his own mortality.

Everyone's thoughts on the list are very helpful for sure, but your posts have

helped us SO much, my husband and I sense the methodology of your Asperger's is

very much like his in many key areas.

Regards,

Anita 55NT

[Guest guest]

Astryngia, I hope you stay alive for many years to come, and return to your family invigorated. Know that i do not want you to pass. If I could send you something alive to make you feel more full of newness and vigor, I would. I have had plenty of nostalgia since I was a girl. It is different in character from yours, but we share many of the same feelings- a deep longing to have an experience, or people. back in your life just one more time. I save things to remember people- pictures of faces were not terribly helpful to me, especially if the names were not under them- so I write names and dates and circumstances on the back sides of the photos in felt tip, so that I can remember who the people are in the pictures. I already remember the names and the events. Is this a girl thing? A great way to get me to share feelings with

anyone is through music that reflects the mood- I believe that your AS children would pick that up too, if they are musical. I can hear emotions, even though I am just learning to read faces. Can your children on the Spectrum relate to music? Just don't let it bbe funeral music. It is terrible to pass away and feel a rift with your family at that time- I could not be happy dying alone! I hope they call you and try to reach out! Astryngia wrote: How

wonderful! You cheered me up no end - what a wonderful idea. Never occurred to me.I've 'done' cancer (my way) and I can do dying if I have to - but right now, I'm moving far away on to a more prosaic 'better life' by leaving my Aspie family in order to look after myself and (maybe!) have a bit of fun!! We've had a tough few years and tears and anger and sadness have been a large part of it. If I can get my laughter back, it would be wonderful - and then I'll make a video of laughter and enjoyment and talk about the things that make me happy. And then my Aspie son will have something to remember me by - I can't imagine him having enough nostalgia for it to mean much, but he may be intrigued enough to watch it once or twice. I might do without mawkish! Not my style - but you've really given me something to think about. Didn't think I had a legacy for my family, but maybe I have!!

;-)Cheers!A. On 27/12/2007, Ron H. <hedrichdodo.au> wrote: Anita, Thanks for your faith in me; but I have to confess that the thought of things I say being at all inspirational leaves me astonished. I guess in some ways it is a shock because these things that are so real and true for me have deeply upset those

about me many times in the past. But I am terribly pleased if my letters are of any use. Now, as far as my own mortality is concerned. I've just never been at all concerned about my own eventual death. It has just not seemed like any big deal. I'll gladly discuss it, and prepare for it. I've many times gone over details of just how I'd like my funeral (or/and Wake) to take place. One fancy I have is to prepare a Videotape of myself talking to the assembled folks, with comments about how I feel on it all, and reminiscences of things and people I've enjoyed. I'd tell one or other of my favourite old jokes, and play some piece or pieces of my favourite music.

In this regard, there is an old 19th century song that I just love for its theme and message, because it represents so much of what I hold dear, and can indeed bring tears to my eyes. That is the piece by Sir Arthur Sullivan called "The Lost Chord:" Modern day musicians and other folk throw up their hands in horror when I mention it; but can one really help it when a particular piece of music or poetry or whatever just touches your heart, - however mawkish, sentimental or old fashioned it may be? But that I want to either play or quote the words. I have an old 78 record of the New Zealand Bass Natzke singing this most beautifully. If anyone doesn't know it or would like to know the words, I can forward or post them. It's probably well and truly forgotten in these sophisticated days. I've got no problems at all with composing and writing my Will; and for that matter, I can make jokes in the very worst Aspie fashion about my own demise and the things that go with it. It has of course been with the pains of bitter experience that I have learnt to avoid talking about these things in public or in front of vulnerable people. My views on the 'after death' state bear no fears or worries, and in fact the thought of facing that great unknown is for me a very exciting thing with infinite possibilities. I cant recall just who wrote it, but a

quote I read many years ago has represented a very profound thought for me. It ran…. "What terror can there be in returning to the place from whence one came?" Not at all orthodox of course. I suppose that the only reserve I have about dying is the thought of being interrupted in the middle of some project or activity or 'voyage of discovery' that I don't want to leave prematurely. The dying itself doesn't trouble me at all. As well, I would honestly wish that if I finished up as a vegetable or completely disabled, someone would help me to die with dignity; or else I'd gladly do it myself. Watching my sick and elderly Pussycats pass away with the most beautiful peace and contentment under the injection in a few cases made me envious of their status, and the benefits that we offer them in these cases. My family on Dad's side is very long lived. His mother was 95, his sister was 98 and he himself was 91. I'm still in pretty good shape and very lively and slim in physique at the age of 72, so I fear that I'll be round for some longish time yet. A lovely story my stepmother told me that just a few days before Dad died, two or three of his Masonic Brothers came round to visit him. He was by that time drifting off to sleep in his chair most of the time. They decided to leave pretty early. But as they prepared to go, Dad struggled to his feet, walked over to his electric organ, and apparently played magnificently. His subconscious and his fingers just took over regardless of his rather fuzzy head. He had no sign of Alzheimers, I must point out, but he was just

going inward and retreating more and more into the unconscious world by this stage. Apart from a moderate Parkinsons, he had never had any illness in his life. I've tended to believe that there was in my father something of the trend towards Aspergers, but not as developed as my own. I've got a fair bit in common with him, I think. When he 'went' those few days later, he just fell out of bed one evening, was taken to the Base Hospital just down the street, and died about 6 hours later. What a way to go! Cant recall who said this, though I have a feeling it might have been Woody … "Death doesn't worry me at all. I just don't want to be there when it

happens!" Not my personal thing, but it's a great quote. And finally, Just one of the dreadful old jokes that used to amuse me so much when I was young….. 'Did you ever hear about the two worms who were fighting in dead Earnest?' Ron. Ron,Your posts go so far beyond the words themselves, they are truly inspirational.The section of your post about death was particularly curious as my husband and I have talked about that subject often. Since the death of our 20 year old niece to ovarian cancer....well, the subject strikes a raw chord.You articulated so well your thoughts on the death of others. Are you able to express your thoughts about your own death one day? My husband speaks of the death of others in a way almost identical to you, he cannot however speak to his own mortality. Everyone's thoughts on the list are very helpful for sure, but your posts have helped us SO much, my husband and I sense the methodology of your Asperger's is very much like his in many key areas.Regards,Anita 55NT

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[Guest guest]

I don't know if this was an AS type approach but when my sister had cancer she planned her memorial with me so that her husband and kid wouldn't have to mess with it. We actually had a lot of fun discussing the various parts of it, joking about what to do with her body, etc. I suppose many people would find this appalling but for us this made things easier. She talked about doing a video for her son but he has never mentioned whether she did or not. She also talked about a lady who bought just a small present for her child to be given at each birthday until her daughter was 18 so in that way was able to participate and her daughter had something to remember her by over the years. There are a lot of neat, hopeful things that people do and think of. Hopefully no one thinks this is a morbid topic, to me death is just another stage in the journey. I was very sad and broken up when my sister died. For me it is like she simply moved to a remote area of the world where they do not have communication abilities. But then I have firm faith in there being more than just death to look forward too. I see death as a door to another life. I know my sister is alive today in heaven.

Jennie

[Guest guest]

Jennie, this is not an AS approach to death.. it follows a hospice model which encourages people to be creative and celebrate the person's death as we celebrate a birth.  Not morbid.  I am sorry to hear about your sister's death. I love the idea of buying a present for the child each year!   I beleive our loved ones never really 'die'.  Janet ZEeI don't know if this was an AS type approach but when my sister had cancer she planned her memorial with me so that her husband and kid wouldn't have to mess with it. We actually had a lot of fun discussing the various parts of it, joking about what to do with her body, etc. I suppose many people would find this appalling but for us this made things easier. She talked about doing a video for her son but he has never mentioned whether she did or not. She also talked about a lady who bought just a small present for her child to be given at each birthday until her daughter was 18 so in that way was able to participate and her daughter had something to remember her by over the years. There are a lot of neat, hopeful things that people do and think of. Hopefully no one thinks this is a morbid topic, to me death is just another stage in the journey. I was very sad and broken up when my sister died. For me it is like she simply moved to a remote area of the world where they do not have communication abilities. But then I have firm faith in there being more than just death to look forward too. I see death as a door to another life. I know my sister is alive today in heaven. Jennie 

[Guest guest]

Hey, maybe that's where she got her ideas since she was in hospice care. I was not able to go to her memorial as I was 9 months pregnant and the doctor said I shouldn't leave the state but I sent a letter and asked my brother to read it there. In the letter I told people about the good things she had done and the good effect she had on my life. Also right before she died I sent her a letter of my memories of her from growing up. It was kind of neat as there were nice things she didn't even remember doing. I think it also helped her see that her having to take on our mothers role in my life did have a positive impact on me and not just a negative impact on her. Anyway, I'm rambling.... :-)

Jennie

Re: RE:Ron..on my own death. Warning. rather frank.

Jennie, this is not an AS approach to death.. it follows a hospice model which encourages people to be creative and celebrate the person's death as we celebrate a birth. Not morbid. I am sorry to hear about your sister's death. I love the idea of buying a present for the child each year! I beleive our loved ones never really 'die'. Janet ZEe

I don't know if this was an AS type approach but when my sister had cancer she planned her memorial with me so that her husband and kid wouldn't have to mess with it. We actually had a lot of fun discussing the various parts of it, joking about what to do with her body, etc. I suppose many people would find this appalling but for us this made things easier. She talked about doing a video for her son but he has never mentioned whether she did or not. She also talked about a lady who bought just a small present for her child to be given at each birthday until her daughter was 18 so in that way was able to participate and her daughter had something to remember her by over the years. There are a lot of neat, hopeful things that people do and think of. Hopefully no one thinks this is a morbid topic, to me death is just another stage in the journey. I was very sad and broken up when my sister died. For me it is like she simply moved to a remote area of the world where they do not have communication abilities. But then I have firm faith in there being more than just death to look forward too. I see death as a door to another life. I know my sister is alive today in heaven.

Jennie

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lovely ramblings... I am sure your letter meant the world to your sis. how inspired.. Jane tZEEHey, maybe that's where she got her ideas since she was in hospice care. I was not able to go to her memorial as I was 9 months pregnant and the doctor said I shouldn't leave the state but I sent a letter and asked my brother to read it there. In the letter I told people about the good things she had done and the good effect she had on my life. Also right before she died I sent her a letter of my memories of her from growing up. It was kind of neat as there were nice things she didn't even remember doing. I think it also helped her see that her having to take on our mothers role in my life did have a positive impact on me and not just a negative impact on her. Anyway, I'm rambling.... :-) Jennie    Re: RE:Ron..on my own death. Warning. rather frank.Jennie, this is not an AS approach to death.. it follows a hospice model which encourages people to be creative and celebrate the person's death as we celebrate a birth.  Not morbid.  I am sorry to hear about your sister's death. I love the idea of buying a present for the child each year!   I beleive our loved ones never really 'die'.  Janet ZEeI don't know if this was an AS type approach but when my sister had cancer she planned her memorial with me so that her husband and kid wouldn't have to mess with it. We actually had a lot of fun discussing the various parts of it, joking about what to do with her body, etc. I suppose many people would find this appalling but for us this made things easier. She talked about doing a video for her son but he has never mentioned whether she did or not. She also talked about a lady who bought just a small present for her child to be given at each birthday until her daughter was 18 so in that way was able to participate and her daughter had something to remember her by over the years. There are a lot of neat, hopeful things that people do and think of. Hopefully no one thinks this is a morbid topic, to me death is just another stage in the journey. I was very sad and broken up when my sister died. For me it is like she simply moved to a remote area of the world where they do not have communication abilities. But then I have firm faith in there being more than just death to look forward too. I see death as a door to another life. I know my sister is alive today in heaven. Jennie No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.17.13/1204 - Release Date: 12/31/2007 12:20 PM