Epiphany of sorts - Making a difference in AS/NT relationships

[Guest guest]

Angie,

I understand better what you are going through after reading this post. You sound like you are dealing with the multiple layers of crisis and stress that I deal with daily.

I recently started a blog writing about my not-so-unique experiences dealing with Asperger's family issues and marriage issues.

I had searched for years for stories that were like mine, and not finding them, I decided to publish my own so that others can find a little spot of respite and relatability out there on the web.

I have a three-part series on caregivers that might encourage you...keep in touch!

www.livewithautism.blogspot.com

Sharon

> >> > I sent this note to see if anyone has been able to deal with the > distrust > > NT partners tend to have of their AS spouses when they say they > are trying > > to change.> > > > I have found one of the most negative responses we can make to an > > individual iis withdrawal and sulking which is what I have done > habitually > > throughout our married life. Strange that what you should value > becomes > > more valuable when you have lost it.> > > > Perhaps I have had an epiphany but if that is so I will need a lot > of > > courage to take the necessary steps to make the most of it. I > think the > > penny dropped when the counsellor helped me understand the > consequences > > words and lack of action have, and how damaging it can be to a > > relationship. One of the things that helped me understand this > was the > > following:> > > > We may think that we have to do things or say things rather than > realising > > that we can choose to do so or not to do so. I told my wife that I > had > > chosen to behave in the way I did and that realising that is a > choice I > > made means that I am really responsible for it. So the counsellor > helped > > me understand that I can choose to withdraw or I can choose to > engage with > > my wife. That in itself is a very powerful message. So when I do > not "get > > it" or do or say something that upsets or hurts her, I have to > choose how > > I respond not fall back on old negative habits. > > > > I have just now set a goal of trying hard to make a difference > within 3 > > months. I got home on Friday night and told my wife that I am > going to > > really try hard to fit in more and listen to her point of view and > try not > > to make it about me all the time. I have read a book called the > seven > > principles of making marriage work by Gottman. This has > helped me > > realise that there are tools I can use to make a better efforf. > She > > wanted to know when the lightning struck or who hit me on the > head. To > > quote the words she used > > > > "So after 30 years of not wanting me in your life you now decide > you want > > a relationship! What about when I wanted a relationship and you > were > > physically or emotionally unavailable to be involved in my life > and the > > kids lives? What ulteriror motive do you have that you find that > this is > > now necessary? What can you offer me other than what you have so > far? Why > > should I take a risk of being let down again? Just because you > want it > > now it HAS to happen! What are you going to base a relationship > on that > > you have destroyed? You still have Aspergers so how can you > change?> > > > So I kept telling her that I need to try and I asked for her > help. I have > > said this several times over the weekend. I even tried to > initiate > > conversations about what we can do to develop some shared > experiences. I > > want to see if we can be happy together rather than trying to be > happy > > alone. I even sat in the family room with her tonight to watch a > movie > > rather than do my own thing. Tried making suggestions about the > garden > > and what she may like to do with it. The response so far has been > > ridicule and put downs with accusations about how I expect her to > roll > > over and cause more pain. > > > > Now I understand the reaction may be her way of expressing her > fears etc. > > but basically she does not trust my motives. And to be fair to > her the > > questions are quite valid. I have lost count of the number of > times I > > have said sorry this weekend. I have also told her that I intend > to spend > > more time at home and not be so obsessive about work. The real > challenge > > for me I think will be being in the moment with her when I am home > and not > > problem solving something from work or at home. Also I need to > connect > > with my two daughters who both feel very protective of their > mother and > > are not inclined to make it easy for me. > > > > Needless to say I have felt quite discouraged. But I am going to > clean up > > my act, get fit and make sure that I do more to help if I can and > if she > > agrees. I have asked her also to tell me when anytthing I say > hurts her > > so that I can understand what or how I say things causes hurt. > She > > believes I say things to deliberately hurt or twist the knife so > to speak. > > Explaining that I am often unaware when she feels hurt is the > major > > problem. It seems I have to be so careful about what I say and > have to > > second guess how she might take it. > > > > Oh well. Lets see if I can stick to my goal and see what comes of > it. I > > do feel that 2008 will be a better year where my wife and I will > finally > > either make it together or make it apart. Even gaining her > respect back > > may be enough. It would definitely be progress. > > > > BTW the psychologist advised me that I have emotional dyspraxia. > This > > translates I think to lack of awareness of feelings or emotions > and thus > > inhibiting normal responses to emotional behaviour from > > others. Do all AS on the list suffer this?> > > > Greg> > dx AS at 53> >> > > > > > > >