Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 Dear Kandy, My heart goes out to you, I am sending big HUGS. . . . . it's so important for us, who have AS spouses, and or children, or relatives, to get encouragement. In reading your post, I get a feeling that you are an island unto yourself. You are the brick or the building block that helps to support all the other components. Your husband, your children, the social connections (or lack thereof), the bills, the home. It would be most encouraging for you to go back to school and complete your degree. Just being able to get out, and be stimulated by a different environment will be helpful. I don't know where you live, but is there any possibility that there can be a room, a den, or office that can be designated for your husband, so that he can have a place to collect peaceful thoughts, when he needs to? Is there an agency, friend, relative ( I know there often isn't) that can help with childcare? Something that helped our family a while ago, and I borrowed this from a show called the "Nanny" a women who takes families to task about organizing themselves, was getting a large peice of card board, say like you would buy for a child's school project. I got white and then we set up a schedule of the day, say from when we woke up in the morning until we went to bed at night. I put it in the dining room, we all had to pass through there and eat at some point, and everyone got to see, their name (I've always color coded my kids through their lives, so they knew their color even if they couldn't read) and what their schedule looked like. It took time for them to see when they should be say brushing teeth, or doing homework, or whatever their schedule involved. We took time before I posted the schedule, talking about what they do in their day, what they wanted to do. We hung it, and got used to it for a couple of days, and they started actively adhering to it. I bring this all up, to point out, that sometimes we just have enormous drama going on when it doesn't have to, and I used the schedule as a distraction sometimes, "Oh, I can see that you're sad about this, but what does your schedule say? I don't see meltdown here, so we better move on. What's next to do?" It is a long process but it really did help to settle everybody down, and some of the drama issues became less of an issue. We don't use it anymore, as we are all functioning better, and attuned with an unspoken schedule. The boys know when they come home, Mom will be there, with a protein snack, and then we start homework, and then we have a break, and then we go back to homework. . . . .etc. etc. Another thing that helped was to make a circle on a page and make pie pieces on it. I then wrote in the things that were important to me, and the things that were important to the person I was dealing with, whichever one of the boys, or my husband needed help in dealing with an "issue". I got a brad and then made an arrow and attached that in the middle. Half of the pie pieces where responses to said issue that I thought would work better, half represented how the person I was dealing with thought an issue should be dealt with. Two of the pie peices were ones where we had to agree to compromise. One pie piece said MOO. We have a Maggie Moo's ice-cream shop in town, we all love it, and we would just go get ice-cream that day. It was determined that on even days one of us would spin and odd days the other would. The spinner had to go one full revulution around the circle. We had family discussions about this, well, as much as we could, with little ones, I used this alot with my teenage son, but it was a big help in being able to have a conversation around how different things are perceived differently by different people. There was not always one solution and since my husband and boys find change so difficult, this was one of the ways that I was able to get them started on different visions, compromise, etc. I am very "noise" sensitive myself, and we tried something with a timer, to institute a "quiet" time during the day (or in your case when you husband is home). We put a funny looking timer on, and they boys could read books. It started out at just 5 minutes as all my boys have short attention spans. We slowly increased it to 30 minutes as time went by. My observation, with my husband and with my boys, is that they are very distractible. So I have always been ready to have some game, something out of my head, or just to have them look away, and offer a new thought. On the days we would have to sit in the hospital and wait for the Dr., and maybe I didn't have time to grab the go-any-where bag, we would play, I Spy with my little eye, or I hear with my little ear, or how many words can you spell with these letters. . . . . . . . I would always have to start any changes I wanted with the verbalization of what would change, days sometimes weeks ahead (Vacation is very stressful for my husband so sometimes months in advance!). Lots of communication about what to expect, what might change. Just getting the communication out there, would sometimes make changes easier. And then sometimes not, I still hear, "You didn't tell me about that!" from my little guys and I could go back in my mind and count 3-4 times I had said something. Sometimes we wrote messages and taped them to the bathroom sink, for when they were brushing their teeth, or taped a message to their place at the table for the intended to see, or put a note on the steering wheel for my husband. It seemed that when they had to read something themselves with their brain, they picked up on it more. Alot of what I've done or created, seems to me, to stem from the shear desperation of dealing with situations that I was tired of dealing with. I've tried to program my mind to "find what works and do it, knowing that what works one day doesn't always work the next". Because my kids are older it is better, but it was much more energy and thinking when they were 5 and 7. And I seemed much more sleep deprived! If you lived close enough I would offer to come watch the kids, so you could have a break. If I think of anything else, l'll post. Blessings, Angie married to AS, with 3 boys ADD/ADHD, AS, ODD AS husband advice I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outside the box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still all on a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him to have peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 Thanks for the insights. My husbans is AS, bipolar and OCD, my 7 yr old is mild PDD and ADHD, the 5 yr old is AS and ADHD. It's all so overwhelming at times. I've tried holding us together, but now it seems like things have spiraled so far out of control I just want to hide for a few days. I turned the bill paying over to him in Oct. 1st big mistake. Now we are almost at the point of having our house repossessed, our power cut off and his car being 30 days late. I put on paper what I would pay and what he would pay. I put on his sheet the due date, the place, and the amount owed. I didn't want to "enable" him anymore. I wanted him to be responsible...now I see that he really can't and I just don't know which direction to turn. We live in Northport, AL it is right beside Tuscaloosa if you know anything about Alabama football, that's practically where we are. I go to school at the University trying to better myself incase I have to be on my own two feet with my boys. The bipolar thing with the AS...I just never know when he is going to snap or what it is that triggers it. I have come to realize though that he thinks I want him to look outside the box...he really can't even find the box. When he thinks he's being productive, I have a huge mess left to clean up. He constantly cuts wood in the house after I've repeatedly ask him not too because it gets all over everything and then we start to paint the bathroom. I buy gallons of paint. I'm taking a nap one day and he decides to leave and go buy spray paint to do the bathroom with...there were speckles on everthing...razors, toothbrushes, make-up....I showed him the mess, cleaned it up and ask him next time to just cover up everthing. I go to school, come home, it's 10:00pm, the boys are running around crazy and have school the next day. He angry with them, but he's proud because he worked some more on the bathroom. Only two weeks later....splatters on my glasses the trimwork, everything all over again and he was so proud. Now with the money situation, I just don't know what to do. Thanks for reading my entry, Kandy [aspires-relationsh ips] AS husband advice I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outside the box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still all on a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him to have peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help... Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 I am so glad you found this group...Welcome ... there is help here for those willing to help themselves and you have shown the initiative you are going to need in your family situation by reaching out to us on this list.  You have a lot on your plate, dear lady, but things can be different one step at a time... My advice as an NT wife to you is to learn all you can about asbergers first and then you will have a clearer idea about how to take the first step to alter your family dynamic.  Stay here, we can help with advice and offer a place to vent... Janet ZEE who imagines a new popular sitcom with AS and NT challenges. I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outside the box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still all on a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him to have peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 Kandy, Yes, it often feels overwhelming all the time. I always try to think have I had something to eat? Protein, or do I need some additional hydration? some water. When did a get a good rest? After the big three have been addressed, then I am a little more able to tackle whatever is on my plate! I'm out on the west coast, it's been rainy all this week. I will keep you in my prayers, Angie [aspires-relationsh ips] AS husband advice I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outside the box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still all on a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him to have peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help... Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Thanks! It's been rainy and cold here. We actually got a little snow over the weekend. It's very unusual for us to so we drove about an hour away where they had a few more inches than we did and had a blast! I'm glad you mentioned those three things. I always think rest and often I think protein because I've had the gastric bypass surgery, but I rarely think of getting something to drink and I just totally forgot how fatigued you can feel when you're just a little dehydrated. Thanks for the advice! Kandy [aspires-relationsh ips] AS husband advice I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outside the box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still all on a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him to have peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help... Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Janet, what is an NT wife? Thanks for making me feel welcome. I desperately need someone who can relate. I've learned a lot about AS before now, but I learned it from the child's perspective..because of my then 3 year old that I knew something was going on, but knew he wasn't autistic because I worked in a preschool autism program for the county. I cannot believe that I did not see that in my husband until November. We've been married almost 9 years and I knew some things were quirky, but I just said, oh that's who he is and just went about my business, but it's gotten worse lately and with the kids, I guess I just need someone who has "walked in those shoes". My Mom tells me to try harder even with the verbal abuse and explosions. He has never laid a hand on me and I truly believe he never will because that is just not acceptable to him, but she has no idea what it's like. His own Mom knew he was different, but doesn't want to face up to knowing he has a "named condition". So, anyway, thanks for letting me talk to ya'll. Kandy Re: AS husband advice I am so glad you found this group...Welcome ... there is help here for those willing to help themselves and you have shown the initiative you are going to need in your family situation by reaching out to us on this list. You have a lot on your plate, dear lady, but things can be different one step at a time... My advice as an NT wife to you is to learn all you can about asbergers first and then you will have a clearer idea about how to take the first step to alter your family dynamic. Stay here, we can help with advice and offer a place to vent... Janet ZEE who imagines a new popular sitcom with AS and NT challenges. I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outside the box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still all on a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him to have peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help... Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Kandy, I too have a husband with AS. So much of what you said hits home. I am 36 with 2 boys age 7 and 5. This May I will be married 10 years together for 14 or so years. I also thought there was something just not right. I've posted before and I thought my husband had OCD, depression and poor self esteem. About 1 year ago he was diagnosed with AS. He really didn't know what it was except he had a hard time interacting socially. I believe this got worse after we had kids. Our marriage has always been hard work. We are comnpletely different people with different ideas and most days I don't know how we are going to make it. I know we do love each other and we love our kids and I too have thought about leaving. I don't mean to jump around but I hope you can follow. The last couple years have been awful. My husband has lost multiple jobs because he can't get along with people or they don't understand him. I don't understand him sometimes. I have felt me losing who I was. I felt like I was becoming this other person that wasn't me, I wasn't happy. I am normally a happy, independant person who loves to laugh and spend time with my family and friends. But over the last couple years I have felt the happiness leave. He would rather stay home. Which I used to make hime go with me but it would be torture for me. He would make inappropriate comments or his tone would be nasty and other people couldn't stand him or to be around him. Heck I feel that way sometimes. Anyway I started to just go to things without him and it makes everyone happier. There is still certain functions I will ask him to go to and he will but we normally will take 2 cars so he can leave when he is ready or has had enough. We went to Disney November 2006 and I too had a AHAA moment. There had been a exchange of words between Curt and I and my mother witnessed this and didn't think he was speaking to me correctly so she had a few words for him then walked away. Long story short we were on the train in Magic Kingdom and he said to me" Did something happen today with your Mom or do I just don't get it". I waited a moment and thought and truly realized he just doesn't get it. The holidays are terrible. As soon as the decorations starts he is grumpy. Same with our vacation even though he knows now that we are going on vacation in August but still that whole week prior to he is grumpy. Once we get to where we are going he has a great time.... He doesn't like the change, he doesn't like moving things around a tthe holidays and I have been trying to be more patient when I speak to him and not raise my voice and ask simple questions like why should we do this or why don't you want to do that andsometimes it takles him a while to figure out just what the problem is or sometimes he knows how he feels. But this has been going on for years and just recently I decided that instead of him changing into what I want hime to be that I need to understand what he is going thru. Everyone that we came in contact with I think basically just thought he was a jerk and was just insensitive. But learning about the diagnosis I understand it so much better. Just a few moths ago I brought up going to see someone who has experience in treating people with AS. I wanted to know how to deal with it also. He said he wasn't going and he didn't want to to be pigoen holed with something wrong with him. Then he went online and watched some youtube videos of people with AS which I think were more severe cases. Well that just was a nail in the coffin that he is not AS. I have thought about leaving millions of times but until I feel that I have done everything inmy power to keep my family together than I am going to try. Are you talking to a professional at all? You came to the right place for support. I've been here about 1 month I guess and just venting and reading that other people are struggle with the same issues I have felt a huge weight off my shoulders. Living with and loving someone with AS is a very lonely life. Its difficult to share things with friends and family because they can't understand it. Heck I can't understand it sometimes. I try to remeber this is not his fault so that I have patience. Some days it helps some days I have just had it...When I first introduced myself another wife said to me that she had broad shoulders and they were mine anytime I needed and the offer stands to you also.....I try to remember that this can be a lonely life but I am not alone.... This is a wonderful outlet and we really do understand what it is like.....I hope to hear from you again I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outside the box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still all on a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him to have peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Kandy, yours is a familiar story, not that we are all the same!  NT= neurotypical, AS =Aspergers... just some simple lingo we use to generally identify where we are coming from.  I am sorry to toss out new terms so glibly!  My own marraige started to get very rocky when the kids came along... now they are grown and we are 'reformatting' or at least I am.  It is a journey.  my best, jkz NT who probably has some other syndrome as well. Janet,what is an NT wife? Thanks for making me feel welcome. I desperately need someone who can relate. I've learned a lot about AS before now, but I learned it from the child's perspective..because of my then 3 year old that I knew something was going on, but knew he wasn't autistic because I worked in a preschool autism program for the county. I cannot believe that I did not see that in my husband until November. We've been married almost 9 years and I knew some things were quirky, but I just said, oh that's who he is and just went about my business, but it's gotten worse lately and with the kids, I guess I just need someone who has "walked in those shoes". My Mom tells me to try harder even with the verbal abuse and explosions. He has never laid a hand on me and I truly believe he never will because that is just not acceptable to him, but she has no idea what it's like. His own Mom knew he was different, but doesn't want to face up to knowing he has a "named condition". So, anyway, thanks for letting me talk to ya'll. Kandy Re: AS husband adviceI am so glad you found this group...Welcome ... there is help here for those willing to help themselves and you have shown the initiative you are going to need in your family situation by reaching out to us on this list.  You have a lot on your plate, dear lady, but things can be different one step at a time... My advice as an NT wife to you is to learn all you can about asbergers first and then you will have a clearer idea about how to take the first step to alter your family dynamic.  Stay here, we can help with advice and offer a place to vent... Janet ZEE who imagines a new popular sitcom with AS and NT challenges. I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outside the box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still all on a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him to have peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help...Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 , WOW! You're situation is so like mine. I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be. People use to characterize me as a "bubbly little cheerleader". I wasn't a cheerleader although I was in the band. I've always been social. He was at first, I think, maybe just because he wanted to keep me...Now since the kids....whoa.....I am seeing a professional thank goodness, but I do need a venting ground. My Mom just doesn't get it. My grandmother doesn't either. I use to be so close to her. she told me jut today that we used to have great Bible conversations and talk about politics...I never talked about politics, I don't like it, but I listen. She and my husband talk it a lot. She thinks he fits in just fine and doesn't see his fault until he gets too grumpy or yells too much. She doesn't know how draining this life is. The Christmas comment you made is ALL to familiar. This year I put my foot down and said I'll put it up and take it down, but our kids are going to have a tree and a couple of lights, garland, and bows on the porch. I told him he could come in the back door so he didn't have to see it if he wanted to. He didn't grumble as much this year, but I think it's because he knows how close he is to loosing us. I feel better today since I have gotten advice from different people on this sight. It's really helped. Thanks, Kandy Re: AS husband advice Kandy, I too have a husband with AS. So much of what you said hits home. I am 36 with 2 boys age 7 and 5. This May I will be married 10 years together for 14 or so years. I also thought there was something just not right. I've posted before and I thought my husband had OCD, depression and poor self esteem. About 1 year ago he was diagnosed with AS. He really didn't know what it was except he had a hard time interacting socially. I believe this got worse after we had kids. Our marriage has always been hard work. We are comnpletely different people with different ideas and most days I don't know how we are going to make it. I know we do love each other and we love our kids and I too have thought about leaving. I don't mean to jump around but I hope you can follow. The last couple years have been awful. My husband has lost multiple jobs because he can't get along with people or they don't understand him. I don't understand him sometimes. I have felt me losing who I was. I felt like I was becoming this other person that wasn't me, I wasn't happy. I am normally a happy, independant person who loves to laugh and spend time with my family and friends. But over the last couple years I have felt the happiness leave. He would rather stay home. Which I used to make hime go with me but it would be torture for me. He would make inappropriate comments or his tone would be nasty and other people couldn't stand him or to be around him. Heck I feel that way sometimes. Anyway I started to just go to things without him and it makes everyone happier. There is still certain functions I will ask him to go to and he will but we normally will take 2 cars so he can leave when he is ready or has had enough. We went to Disney November 2006 and I too had a AHAA moment. There had been a exchange of words between Curt and I and my mother witnessed this and didn't think he was speaking to me correctly so she had a few words for him then walked away. Long story short we were on the train in Magic Kingdom and he said to me" Did something happen today with your Mom or do I just don't get it". I waited a moment and thought and truly realized he just doesn't get it. The holidays are terrible. As soon as the decorations starts he is grumpy. Same with our vacation even though he knows now that we are going on vacation in August but still that whole week prior to he is grumpy. Once we get to where we are going he has a great time.... He doesn't like the change, he doesn't like moving things around a tthe holidays and I have been trying to be more patient when I speak to him and not raise my voice and ask simple questions like why should we do this or why don't you want to do that andsometimes it takles him a while to figure out just what the problem is or sometimes he knows how he feels. But this has been going on for years and just recently I decided that instead of him changing into what I want hime to be that I need to understand what he is going thru. Everyone that we came in contact with I think basically just thought he was a jerk and was just insensitive. But learning about the diagnosis I understand it so much better. Just a few moths ago I brought up going to see someone who has experience in treating people with AS. I wanted to know how to deal with it also. He said he wasn't going and he didn't want to to be pigoen holed with something wrong with him. Then he went online and watched some youtube videos of people with AS which I think were more severe cases. Well that just was a nail in the coffin that he is not AS. I have thought about leaving millions of times but until I feel that I have done everything inmy power to keep my family together than I am going to try. Are you talking to a professional at all? You came to the right place for support. I've been here about 1 month I guess and just venting and reading that other people are struggle with the same issues I have felt a huge weight off my shoulders. Living with and loving someone with AS is a very lonely life. Its difficult to share things with friends and family because they can't understand it. Heck I can't understand it sometimes. I try to remeber this is not his fault so that I have patience. Some days it helps some days I have just had it...When I first introduced myself another wife said to me that she had broad shoulders and they were mine anytime I needed and the offer stands to you also.....I try to remember that this can be a lonely life but I am not alone.... This is a wonderful outlet and we really do understand what it is like.....I hope to hear from you again I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outside the box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still all on a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him to have peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help... Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Hi Kandy, Are you a believer? I have been reading your posts and waiting for you to vent a bit, because I know you are not lying at all. I am AS, so I can well imagine the errors he made, and the fact tht he was clueless. I was married to an AS (I think!) who was even more rigid about certain things than I am, and wo had me feeling as if I wanted to vent- after all, I am still a woman, and I still wanted to be valued as a person. There is life after learning about his beine AS-- I know, because the knowledge itself has changed me. Here are a few ideas for motivating him: Nash is one of the people whom I respect and admire the most, because he had an incredibly tight mind. he was mentally ill, which ASpies might not be- a pervasive developmental disorder is not a mental illness-- but the way he dealt with it is important to me. After being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and repeatedly being delusional, he realized that he could not do his best research and take medication at the same time. With the support of his family, he leraned to differentiate between his hallucinations and delusions and reality. This was hard, because he had to walk by faith in a way- to trust his wife and the ohter significant others in his life- to do it. So, where does this relate to AS? I cannot readily read emotion from eyes, though I am "working out" on Simon Baron-Cohen's DVD for learning a bit of the way to do it. Still, that is different from picking up the feeling directly from the feeling of the other person, as an NT would. If someone lies with his face, you will often be able to look him in the eyes, and know that it does not feel right. I generally do nt have that skill. In addition, if you make even a hint of a social error, you can read the confusion or other rections in a person's eyes immediately./ This occurs faster than the speed of thought according to Goleman and others (see Social Intelligence, and Emotional Intelligence). therefore, you can correct, before the other person can think, rationally, about being offended- and then, you have time to fix it. This is before you even consciously think about fixing it- it is quite fast- at least at times. I am not that quick. Everything is about two seconds slower for me in that area, and it is noticeable. Nevertheless, if I am with you, then I can use the cues that you give me to tell that you approve or do not approve of things- and the better I know you, the more I can do this. By learning to trust NTs to guide me, I have been able to improve a lot. I know because people are offfended far less often at things I do or fail to do than they were a year ago- a dramatic effect. I no longer have to ask all the time who I offended, because I know more about what is going on- that is, my theory of mind has improved. I am listening with a different ear, now. What I read on this list helps me learn how other people see things I do, so that I can be more effective at communicating love to others, for example. Like nash, I need to take the reality of others on faith to a certain extrent-- if Friend A senses that Friend B is in pain, then Friend A is probably correct, if she is NT-- even though I am clueless about it, for example. Is your husband a believer? If so, it might help him to know that if God created him AS, then it is fine to be one! He need not be ashamed of not being able to read social cues! that way, if he is like me, he may be able to ask for help a bit easier, and not be afraid to share this shortcoming. If you carefully, one little thing at a time, build things up- and carefully answer all his quetsions about the "why", he will learn faster. I know that you do not know the answers to all of them in his terms* Every little thing you give him will help, even if he does not know how to tell you right away. Do not get discouraged if he "makes the same error" over and over. It is not the same-- we see "trees", and not a forest-- we see one little social thing, and get repeats of that correct, and do not generalize well. Still, over time, we do learn to generalize. It will come! Be encouraged! , AS * I often asked people how to recognize a face. It turns out that most NTs have software they are born with that does it automatically, whereas I have to break it down and think about it! They truly could not help me. Other people like me could and have : ~ ) This will be true of a few of trhe things he asks you, I believe.Kandy Wesson wrote: , WOW! You're situation is so like mine. I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be. People use to characterize me as a "bubbly little cheerleader". I wasn't a cheerleader although I was in the band. I've always been social. He was at first, I think, maybe just because he wanted to keep me...Now since the kids....whoa.....I am seeing a professional thank goodness, but I do need a venting ground. My Mom just doesn't get it. My grandmother doesn't either. I use to be so close to her. she told me jut today that we used to have great Bible conversations and talk about politics...I never talked about politics, I don't like it, but I listen. She and my husband talk it a lot. She thinks he fits in just fine and doesn't see his fault until he gets too grumpy or yells too much. She doesn't know how draining this life is. The Christmas comment you made is ALL to familiar. This year I put my foot down and said I'll put it up and take it down, but our kids are going to have a tree and a couple of lights, garland, and bows on the porch. I told him he could come in the back door so he didn't have to see it if he wanted to. He didn't grumble as much this year, but I think it's because he knows how close he is to loosing us. I feel better today since I have gotten advice from different people on this sight. It's really helped. Thanks, Kandy Re: AS husband advice . Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Ladies... I have found it very difficult to share anything about my husband having AS with any relatives... the few I felt safe to share with have not recieved the info very well, it's like I am making this up and they don't want to believe that he is anything more than a little 'odd'.  My sympathies.  jzk,WOW! You're situation is so like mine. I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be. People use to characterize me as a "bubbly little cheerleader". I wasn't a cheerleader although I was in the band. I've always been social. He was at first, I think, maybe just because he wanted to keep me...Now since the kids....whoa.....I am seeing a professional thank goodness, but I do need a venting ground. My Mom just doesn't get it. My grandmother doesn't either. I use to be so close to her. she told me jut today that we used to have great Bible conversations and talk about politics...I never talked about politics, I don't like it, but I listen. She and my husband talk it a lot. She thinks he fits in just fine and doesn't see his fault until he gets too grumpy or yells too much. She doesn't know how draining this life is. The Christmas comment you made is ALL to familiar.  This year I put my foot down and said I'll put it up and take it down, but our kids are going to have a tree and a couple of lights, garland, and bows on the porch. I told him he could come in the back door so he didn't have to see it if he wanted to. He didn't grumble as much this year, but I think it's because he knows how close he is to loosing us. I feel better today since I have gotten advice from different people on this sight. It's really helped. Thanks, Kandy Re: AS husband adviceKandy, I too have a husband with AS. So much of what you said hits home. I am 36 with 2 boys age 7 and 5. This May I will be married 10 years together for 14 or so years. I also thought there was something just not right. I've posted before and I thought my husband had OCD, depression and poor self esteem. About 1 year ago he was diagnosed with AS. He really didn't know what it was except he had a hard time interacting socially. I believe this got worse after we had kids. Our marriage has always been hard work. We are comnpletely different people with different ideas and most days I don't know how we are going to make it.I know we do love each other and we love our kids and I too have thought about leaving. I don't mean to jump around but I hope you can follow.The last couple years have been awful. My husband has lost multiple jobs because he can't get along with people or they don't understand him. I don't understand him sometimes. I have felt me losing who I was. I felt like I was becoming this other person that wasn't me, I wasn't happy. I am normally a happy, independant person who loves to laugh and spend time with my family and friends. But over the last couple years I have felt the happiness leave. He would rather stay home. Which I used to make hime go with me but it would be torture for me. He would make inappropriate comments or his tone would be nasty and other people couldn't stand him or to be around him. Heck I feel that way sometimes.Anyway I started to just go to things without him and it makes everyone happier. There is still certain functions I will ask him to go to and he will but we normally will take 2 cars so he can leave when he is ready or has had enough.  We went to Disney November 2006 and I too had a AHAA moment. There had been a exchange of words between Curt and I and my mother witnessed this and didn't think he was speaking to me correctly so she had a few words for him then walked away. Long story short we were on the train in Magic Kingdom and he said to me" Did something happen today with your Mom or do I just don't get it". I waited a moment and thought and truly realized he just doesn't get it. The holidays are terrible. As soon as the decorations starts he is grumpy. Same with our vacation even though he knows now that we are going on vacation in August but still that whole week prior to he is grumpy. Once we get to where we are going he has a great time.... He doesn't like the change, he doesn't like moving things around a tthe holidays and I have been trying to be more patient when I speak to him and not raise my voice and ask simple questions like why should we do this or why don't you want to do that andsometimes it takles him a while to figure out just what the problem is or sometimes he knows how he feels. But this has been going on for years and just recently I decided that instead of him changing into what I want hime to be that I need to understand what he is going thru. Everyone that we came in contact with I think basically just thought he was a jerk and was just insensitive. But learning about the diagnosis I understand it so much better. Just a few moths ago I brought up going to see someone who has experience in treating people with AS. I wanted to know how to deal with it also. He said he wasn't going and he didn't want toto be pigoen holed with something wrong with him. Then he went online and watched some youtube videos of people with AS which I think were more severe cases. Well that just was a nail in the coffin that he is not AS. I have thought about leaving millions of times but until I feel that I have done everything inmy power to keep my family together than I am going to try.  Are you talking to a professional at all? You came to the right place for support. I've been here about 1 month I guess and just venting and  reading that other people are struggle with the same issues I have felt a huge weight off my shoulders. Living with and loving someone with AS is a very lonely life. Its difficult to share things with friends and family because they can't understand it. Heck I can't understand it sometimes. I try to remeber this is not his fault so that I have patience. Some days it helps some days I have just had it...When I first introduced myself another wife said to me that she had broad shoulders and they were mine anytime I needed and the offer stands to you also.....I try to remember that this can be a lonely life but I am not alone....This is a wonderful outlet and we really do understand what it is like.....I hope to hear from you again  I'm at my wits end with my husband. Our now 5 yr old was diagnosed as AS when he was 3. I never put it together that was what was making my husband a social recluse to us and the rest of the world. I didn't understand why he had outbursts over simple things. I now see that some things really overwhelm him and I try to accommodate those things. The problem is we have a 7 yr old and a 5 yr old. My hubby wants me to go back to school to finish my degree. I only have 33 hrs. left to finish so taking 2 classes a sememster it will take about 5 semesters. It's still so far off, but yet so close. He can't handle the kids at all. I think I'm going to get a baby sitter even against his wishes on my school night because he just goes bonkers with them running around and being loud little boys...especially the 5 yr old with AS. He can't handle him at all. He made the comment the other day that really put things into perspective for me. He said "all she wants me to do is think outsidethe box". I almost started laughing because I realized he doesn't even see the box or know what it consists of the see outside of it. He's on meds, I'm on meds, the kids are on meds and we are still allon a downward spiral. I left in Oct. for a couple of weeks so he could see he needed help. I turned the bill paying over to him hoping he would see how far behind we were and try to get caught up on things since he made the big bucks and I didn't. That was a huge mistake! We make each other miserable. I'm ready to leave, but feel sorry for him because he really does not see things for what they are so everything gets taken out of proportion. He is trying hard, I know he is, but with the two kids, I'm all out of energy emotionally and physically. I don't know if I should stay and work through the outbursts and take over his check or if it would be better for him tohave peaceful evenings without us to do what he wants in his own space without being interrupted. He says he wants us to stay, but I just need some encouragement and advice in every area. I have nothing else left to put into the relationship and we've been married 9 years....things are just getting worse...please help...Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Thanks , We are both believers. I'm actually a church choir director. I guess since I've always had the attitude that I leave the judging of people up to God and the professionals, it is really hard for me to see why he catagorizes people the way he does. Church people are hypocrites, or guys at work are like taking care of babies, football fans are just stupid people. For a long time, it hurt me when he made those comments because I was a church person and I love football. He hates it. He is getting better with church, but I finally decided I would just take me and the kids by myself. He later decided to come along, but I've learned lately not to push his social buttons, he'll do what he wants to when he wants to and that is that! He gets so defensive about everything. I'm trying to change the way I say things. I really try hard not to put him in a defensive mode, but I end up doing it every time I open my mouth...I don't know how, and I don't know why....I'm trying to put myself in his shoes especially since we have a 5 yr old with AS. I know whatever happens between me and him, I'll have my baby to manage and hopefully teach him life changing skills at an early age. He is VERY social...sometimes too much, but I think a lot of it had to do with early intervention. He was diagnosed at 3 and put on ritalin and risperdal. He was a totally different child. He attends a special pre-k class....has been there for 2 1/2 years almost. He is more than ready for kindergarten, except for the occasional meltdown. Thanks for the advice! Kandy Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] AS husband advice .. Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Does the following make any sense? Stage one: intellectual engagement Stage two: emotional engagement, no intellect Time and again, spouses, friends, work, all follow the pattern. AS do stage one _all the time_ So is there a change? Probably not other than things to talk about have gone, been said. Does it make sense that more casual acquaintances see the AS as okay when doing a stage one? Kandy Wesson wrote: > , > WOW! You're situation is so like mine. I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be. People use to characterize me as a " bubbly little cheerleader " . I wasn't a cheerleader although I was in the band. I've always been social. He was at first, I think, maybe just because he wanted to keep me...Now since the kids....whoa.....I am seeing a professional thank goodness, but I do need a venting ground. My Mom just doesn't get it. My grandmother doesn't either. I use to be so close to her. she told me jut today that we used to have great Bible conversations and talk about politics...I never talked about politics, I don't like it, but I listen. She and my husband talk it a lot. She thinks he fits in just fine and doesn't see his fault until he gets too grumpy or yells too much. She doesn't know how draining this life is. The Christmas comment you made is ALL to familiar. This year I put my foot down and said I'll put it up and take it down, but > our kids are going to have a tree and a couple of lights, garland, and bows on the porch. I told him he could come in the back door so he didn't have to see it if he wanted to. He didn't grumble as much this year, but I think it's because he knows how close he is to loosing us. I feel better today since I have gotten advice from different people on this sight. It's really helped. Thanks, Kandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Tim, It makes a lot of sense. I feel like I have no connection with my husband except when there is a list of "to do" things or arrangements that have to made....all other hope, dreams, type conversation is boring to him...he's just like ok, whatever....it leaves me feeling unfulfilled in some ways, but I am beginning to see that that is just who he is and I have to accept that and go on one way or another. Kandy Re: AS husband advice Does the following make any sense?Stage one: intellectual engagementStage two: emotional engagement, no intellectTime and again, spouses, friends, work, all follow the pattern.AS do stage one _all the time_So is there a change?Probably not other than things to talk about have gone, been said.Does it make sense that more casual acquaintances see the AS as okay when doing a stage one?Kandy Wesson wrote:> ,> WOW! You're situation is so like mine. I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be. People use to characterize me as a "bubbly little cheerleader" . I wasn't a cheerleader although I was in the band. I've always been social. He was at first, I think, maybe just because he wanted to keep me...Now since the kids....whoa. ....I am seeing a professional thank goodness, but I do need a venting ground. My Mom just doesn't get it. My grandmother doesn't either. I use to be so close to her. she told me jut today that we used to have great Bible conversations and talk about politics...I never talked about politics, I don't like it, but I listen. She and my husband talk it a lot. She thinks he fits in just fine and doesn't see his fault until he gets too grumpy or yells too much. She doesn't know how draining this life is. The Christmas comment you made is ALL to familiar. This year I put my foot down and said I'll put it up and take it down, but> our kids are going to have a tree and a couple of lights, garland, and bows on the porch. I told him he could come in the back door so he didn't have to see it if he wanted to. He didn't grumble as much this year, but I think it's because he knows how close he is to loosing us. I feel better today since I have gotten advice from different people on this sight. It's really helped. Thanks, Kandy Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Kandy, Any conversation with my husband needs to be somehow connected to his life....If not he has no deire to listen or participate in a conversation with me. If he tells me about work I sit and listen if I start to tell him about work he drifts off or just gets up and goes into another roon while I'm speaking to him...We are working on it, sometimes I tell him I do not need his input I just need him to listen shake his head and let me vent.... Since being onthis list I know I'm not alone and it makes waking up every morning alittle easier for me..... Tim, Thanks for all you input it all does help Kandy Wesson wrote: Tim, It makes a lot of sense. I feel like I have no connection with my husband except when there is a list of "to do" things or arrangements that have to made....all other hope, dreams, type conversation is boring to him...he's just like ok, whatever....it leaves me feeling unfulfilled in some ways, but I am beginning to see that that is just who he is and I have to accept that and go on one way or another. Kandy Re: AS husband advice Does the following make any sense?Stage one: intellectual engagementStage two: emotional engagement, no intellectTime and again, spouses, friends, work, all follow the pattern.AS do stage one _all the time_So is there a change?Probably not other than things to talk about have gone, been said.Does it make sense that more casual acquaintances see the AS as okay when doing a stage one?Kandy Wesson wrote:> ,> WOW! You're situation is so like mine. I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be. People use to characterize me as a "bubbly little cheerleader" . I wasn't a cheerleader although I was in the band. I've always been social. He was at first, I think, maybe just because he wanted to keep me...Now since the kids....whoa. ....I am seeing a professional thank goodness, but I do need a venting ground. My Mom just doesn't get it. My grandmother doesn't either. I use to be so close to her. she told me jut today that we used to have great Bible conversations and talk about politics...I never talked about politics, I don't like it, but I listen. She and my husband talk it a lot. She thinks he fits in just fine and doesn't see his fault until he gets too grumpy or yells too much. She doesn't know how draining this life is. The Christmas comment you made is ALL to familiar. This year I put my foot down and said I'll put it up and take it down, but> our kids are going to have a tree and a couple of lights, garland, and bows on the porch. I told him he could come in the back door so he didn't have to see it if he wanted to. He didn't grumble as much this year, but I think it's because he knows how close he is to loosing us. I feel better today since I have gotten advice from different people on this sight. It's really helped. Thanks, Kandy Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 I'm just curious. For all of us married to an AS spouse, were they radically different people while you were dating or do you think you overlooked a lot of things in the beginning?In my case, I think I overlooked a lot of things and/or swept a lot of it under the rug not realizing the impact some of these behaviors would have down the line.tim Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Interesting question, yes, I recognized that my AS husband walked to the beat of a different drummer, as it were, and alot of my friends were quick to point it out also, his being a little, well, somewhat 'odd'. But he was well liked and very knowledgeable, biblically speaking in the Christian group we hung around with. It was interesting that as time progressed and children came along, and it was hard to have a relationship with him, I was told by these same well meaning friends, that if things weren't right, I just wasn't praying hard enough! Those people don't have anything to do with us now. I socialize with my friends, usually scrapbookers, and my husband works. He really doesn't keep up relationships, unless it is work related. He is going to Texas next week, and the lady he used to work with 3 years ago is in the building across from where he is going to be, so he's going to try and meet with her. Angie NT, AS husband, and son Re: AS husband advice I'm just curious. For all of us married to an AS spouse, were they radically different people while you were dating or do you think you overlooked a lot of things in the beginning?In my case, I think I overlooked a lot of things and/or swept a lot of it under the rug not realizing the impact some of these behaviors would have down the line.tim Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Hi Tim, I think the answer is a bit of both. AS and NT alike are going to put their " best foot forward " when they are courting. Once they've " closed the deal " they tend to relax. Big mistake! This is especially more so for AS who may put on an act all day at work, but look upon the home environment as a " sanctuary " where they can " be themselves " and retreat to re-charge. Non AS family members, or at least ones who are more energetic and outgoing, may find this rather depressing when it becomes apparent that this is all the future holds. And of course, as they say " love is blind. " But after the initial exhilaration wears off, there has to be something more to the relationship, such as mutual respect, common goals, etc. to keep it going. I don't know if you are the same Tim who said you were calling it a day. If so, my condolences to both of you. take care, Helen, 52, self-dx'd AS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 stephanie muska wrote: > Kandy, Any conversation with my husband needs to be somehow connected to his life....If not he has no deire to listen or participate in a conversation with me. If he tells me about work I sit and listen if I start to tell him about work he drifts off or just gets up and goes into another roon while I'm speaking to him...We are working on it, sometimes I tell him I do not need his input I just need him to listen shake his head and let me vent.... That makes sense, know what you are talking about. In my experience this about non object subjects, there is no meat to the words. So far as I know, no men want to listen to that stuff. Perhaps NT men fake better. Yes dear. Drawing this out to one side, this is like talking about a problem where the speaker does _not_ want solutions or answers. This is something which has a name, critical listening and at least some people can learn to do it. I think there is a dire twist though, for AS it has to be turned into an object, does not come naturally and does not come without a very clear flag saying this is what is wanted. It is false regardless of who does it... which I am not supposed to point out. Having written that I now turn to evidence. Immediately something rather nice turns up, in a slightly different context, I was talking therapy stuff but can be generalised. http://www.chass.ncsu.edu/ccstm/scmh/morelisten.html Searching on critical listening will turn up a lot of useful stuff. This kind of goes back to a much misunderstood and misapplied technique from Carl , a highly damaging misinterpretation where people wrongly disengaged their brains and started acting as parrots, imagining that is what was meant. Some get it wrong to this day. :-( Do you know, damn few NT are any good as listeners, most are crap, in their own selfish world. I may be AS but I am known as someone who you can call and you will get a useful ear. It does not follow that I can do the same thing personally! This is a bit of an AS hallmark, immaculate when it is a task and utter shambles when it is personal. No I don't understand either. :-) Something else very critical, and this is where mental illness / personality / dysfunction can get in the way... listening must be non-judgemental. It's also a good idea to take things seriously privately, never leak. This is where far too many people get into the social tittle tattle of leaking gossip. Damn hard to get right. > Since being onthis list I know I'm not alone and it makes waking up every morning alittle easier for me..... > > Tim, Thanks for all you input it all does help > > Kandy Wesson wrote: > Tim, > It makes a lot of sense. I feel like I have no connection with my husband except when there is a list of " to do " things or arrangements that have to made....all other hope, dreams, type conversation is boring to him...he's just like ok, whatever....it leaves me feeling unfulfilled in some ways, but I am beginning to see that that is just who he is and I have to accept that and go on one way or another. > Kandy > > > Re: AS husband advice > > Does the following make any sense? > > Stage one: intellectual engagement > Stage two: emotional engagement, no intellect > > Time and again, spouses, friends, work, all follow the pattern. > > AS do stage one _all the time_ > > So is there a change? > Probably not other than things to talk about have gone, been said. > > Does it make sense that more casual acquaintances see the AS as okay > when doing a stage one? > > Kandy Wesson wrote: >> , >> WOW! You're situation is so like mine. I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be. People use to characterize me as a " bubbly little cheerleader " . I wasn't a cheerleader although I was in the band. I've always been social. He was at first, I think, maybe just because he wanted to keep me...Now since the kids....whoa. ....I am seeing a professional thank goodness, but I do need a venting ground. My Mom just doesn't get it. My grandmother doesn't either. I use to be so close to her. she told me jut today that we used to have great Bible conversations and talk about politics...I never talked about politics, I don't like it, but I listen. She and my husband talk it a lot. She thinks he fits in just fine and doesn't see his fault until he gets too grumpy or yells too much. She doesn't know how draining this life is. The Christmas comment you made is ALL to familiar. This year I put my foot down and said I'll put it up and take it down, but >> our kids are going to have a tree and a couple of lights, garland, and bows on the porch. I told him he could come in the back door so he didn't have to see it if he wanted to. He didn't grumble as much this year, but I think it's because he knows how close he is to loosing us. I feel better today since I have gotten advice from different people on this sight. It's really helped. Thanks, Kandy > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 I knew there were issues, but thought that I could help him overcome some of his bitterness towards his family. They didn't understand him and I'm a good people person so dumb me thought I could help him find himself....Sometimes I wonder why I did marry him. Before the kids he did make more efforts to be more sociable with me so since the kids, life has gotten rocky..... Re: AS husband advice I'm just curious. For all of us married to an AS spouse, were they radically different people while you were dating or do you think you overlooked a lot of things in the beginning?In my case, I think I overlooked a lot of things and/or swept a lot of it under the rug not realizing the impact some of these behaviors would have down the line.tim Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2008 Report Share Posted January 26, 2008 I absolutley overlooked a lot of stuff... I thought he was 'mature' and not a frivolous youngster who only thought about sex, different from the other men I knew.   hahah little did I know.  I was not very mature either.... and I didn[t expect much from any relationship... I was rather grateful actually, now that I think about it. oh me... Janet ZEEI'm just curious. For all of us married to an AS spouse, were they radically different people while you were dating or do you think you overlooked a lot of things in the beginning?In my case, I think I overlooked a lot of things and/or swept a lot of it under the rug not realizing the impact some of these behaviors would have down the line.timLooking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2008 Report Share Posted January 26, 2008 Oh yes, I too thought I could 'help' him... feed him, do his cleaning, I actually went to work for him for 22 years!  And I was very sorry that he was treated so badly by his first wife... they married very young and had a family right away.  After he left them, he never contacted them at all... this should have sent red flags waving for me.. but I just assumed she was such a horrible person and he was traumatized.  Now I feel very sorry for her and the struggle she must have had.  She died a couple of years ago.  At that time, I found out that he had never gotten a divorce and married me!  He said he just assumed she had divorced him!  And so did I ! argh.  Janet ZEE the NT wife of an AS bigamist.  I knew there were issues, but thought that I could help him overcome some of his bitterness towards his family. They didn't understand him and I'm a good people person so dumb me thought I could help him find himself....Sometimes I wonder why I did marry him. Before the kids he did make more efforts to be more sociable with me so since the kids, life has gotten rocky..... Re: AS husband adviceI'm just curious. For all of us married to an AS spouse, were they radically different people while you were dating or do you think you overlooked a lot of things in the beginning?In my case, I think I overlooked a lot of things and/or swept a lot of it under the rug not realizing the impact some of these behaviors would have down the line.timLooking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2008 Report Share Posted January 26, 2008 For one of the things in having in AS, I have never been a bigamist. Guess it is different between people who have AS. Sorry to hear of your pain, Janet. > > > > > I knew there were issues, but thought that I could help him > > overcome some of his bitterness towards his family. They didn't > > understand him and I'm a good people person so dumb me thought I > > could help him find himself....Sometimes I wonder why I did marry > > him. Before the kids he did make more efforts to be more sociable > > with me so since the kids, life has gotten rocky..... > > > > Re: AS husband advice > > > > > > I'm just curious. For all of us married to an AS spouse, were they > > radically different people while you were dating or do you think > > you overlooked a lot of things in the beginning? > > > > In my case, I think I overlooked a lot of things and/or swept a lot > > of it under the rug not realizing the impact some of these > > behaviors would have down the line. > > > > tim > > > > Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! > > Search. > > > > > > Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! > > Search. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2008 Report Share Posted January 26, 2008 Why do you think that those who have AS and haven't been diagnosed as such are able to do that? Happened to me in my most recent relationship. My most recent ex-girlfriend got really upset when she wanted to know I hadn't told her I had AS and such. Hard to tell someone something you have if you don't know you have been diagnosed with it yet If I am in another relationship, will I disclose it? Definitely. If that person loves me for me, she'll accept it. If she doesn't, her loss and I move forward anyway. This is one reason I know I have become comfortable with having AS. I can be me and not worry about what other people think or don't think of me having AS. I haven't read anywhere yet when a person discloses something like AS to someone. Has anyone read that anyplace? If so, what did you find out? > > Hi Tim, > I think the answer is a bit of both. > > AS and NT alike are going to put their " best foot forward " when they > are courting. Once they've " closed the deal " they tend to relax. Big > mistake! This is especially more so for AS who may put on an act all > day at work, but look upon the home environment as a " sanctuary " > where they can " be themselves " and retreat to re-charge. Non AS > family members, or at least ones who are more energetic and outgoing, > may find this rather depressing when it becomes apparent that this is > all the future holds. > > And of course, as they say " love is blind. " But after the initial > exhilaration wears off, there has to be something more to the > relationship, such as mutual respect, common goals, etc. to keep it going. > > I don't know if you are the same Tim who said you were calling it a > day. If so, my condolences to both of you. > take care, > Helen, 52, self-dx'd AS > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2008 Report Share Posted January 26, 2008 My most recent ex-girlfriend, who is NT, would say " yes " and even flat out told me. > > I'm just curious. For all of us married to an AS spouse, were they radically different people while you were dating or do you think you overlooked a lot of things in the beginning? > > In my case, I think I overlooked a lot of things and/or swept a lot of it under the rug not realizing the impact some of these behaviors would have down the line. > > tim > > > > ______________________________________________________________________ ______________ > Be a better friend, newshound, and > know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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