A Diamond in the Rough...

[Guest guest]

I'm just curious. For all of us married to an AS spouse,

(A) were they radically different people while you were dating or

( do you think you overlooked a lot of things in the beginning?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hi Tim:

I have asked myself that question for years. I am a product of my generation and knew their were issues but thought, 'he was just a diamond in the rough waiting to be polished." There was the expectation that ANYONE can change their behavior if they have the right support and motivation. No one knew back than about AS. My friends knew something was not right, but no one knew what. The bad behavior was the most noticeable with no remorse or empathy. In all the years we knew each other and were married he has NEVER said he was sorry about anything. NEVER. He just goes on with his life like nothing happens because it has no meaning to him or he is uncomfortable talking about it. It is done and over and he moves on and has no tolerance for others than linger in the past. It felt like the rules apply to everyone but me (Larry). It is all about ME and if you can't get that, you have no room in my life which is why he is all alone. He likes it that way. No pressure, no expectations, he can do what he wants, when he wants. You can't have a relationship if you don't have the skills or desire to acquire them.

I think if we both knew back than about AS we BOTH would of chose not to marry each other. It was a no win situation for both of us and our kids are lucky to have survived. Relationships require certain skills. I never knew that he had never had a successful relationship before. I made a lot of assumptions. His mother was a woman from HELL that everyone hated. I assumed his environment played a role. I was the one person in HIS family that got along with Louise the best and that relationship had its moments as she could be very nasty but she had a good heart. It wasn't till her last few years on earth when she was in a GOOD retirement home and found some GOOD friends outside of her family that she began to mellow in some ways. She finally found a life of her OWN independent of her family. I have always thought it was the best thing that ever happened to her.

Larry was estranged from his family during those years but very close to mine as I come from a BIG family. That was the paradox. In certain situations where he felt comfortable, you would never know anything was wrong or different. He had that ability to look that comfortable and like a switch turn it off and go into his world when it suited him for many reasons, probably sensory overload and comfort zone. This made many including me uncomfortable. The Jekyll and Hyde theory. Appears normal and than has a totally different side, one that some can be perceived as dark and scary and can make some folks uncomfortable unless you are like this and even if you are, might be a horrible combination if you are 2 explosive personalities??? Larry is now very close to his sister and brother as everyone else is dead. He also has a AS nephew and one with ADD.

There are many adults with AS that lead very productive and successful lives and have had a good relationship + children. Maybe they are the ones we need to hear from more. How they do it? What makes it work? No two are alike. This is just my personal story and no reflection on others in our community. Folks like me tell our stories so that others like you can tell us GOOD stories. That is what support is all about.

This generation has it better as there is more awareness on AS. Back than, when Larry and I married it was unheard of. Read Leo Kanner's original paper on Autism. Now a days many would of been dx. with AS? Read the profiles of the parents. Unheard of at the time. Not the usual profile in those days for these kids when you look at the family history that he documented. Hans Asperger never had that family profile due to the setting he saw his subjects in. Leo's original paper can be read @ http://aspires-relationships.com/articles_autistic_disturbances_of_affective_contact.htm For newbie's... Enjoy!

Just me.

PS: Although divorced, we have a better relationship. I had him over for dinner last week and it was nice. We lead separate lives and it works for US.

[Guest guest]

Tim, That is a question I have often thought about myself. My whole dating life I have been attracted to men who have different personalities than me. The differences where simple things so I thought. My husband and I which I say all the time are two different people and I'm not sure how we ended up together. He is a sweet, loving man, a great father and he truly loves me. We were together for 4 years before we got married. I think you are correct in saying that in the beginning of a relationship everyone is on their best behavior so to speak. When I met my husband we did all the things that he liked to do not because he liked to do them but because I enjoyed them as well. We spent alot of time in his "comfort" zone, with his friends. I met my husband just before I went into the military and then we had along distance relationship for about 2 years. During that time we spent alot of time together alone. He would leave me cards in my car all the

time. Still when he goes to the store he tries to bring me something I like so I have like 3 jars of Maries Blue cheese dressing or fllavored creamer. this drives me crazy, but he likes to do it so I just make room or give it away. Then once I got out and moved in with him I started to see little things that I thought were OCD. I saw he had a hard time getting along with people at work. He didn't like going to parties with my friends unless it was a small group. I try not to judge someone because they think differently than I do. So we can agree to disagree on things, we can have diffrent taste in movies, TV shows, music etc....the problem is I think that I can adapt to any situation but he can't and thats where we have our most problems. But truly having information on AS and seeing that others have the same (but different) problems helps me understand. So to make a long story short and to answer your questions (a) I do think

that he is a different person I think we both are and not just because of the AS. ( I do think you overlook things in the beginning, I cared about him, I was attracted to him and I fell in love with him. So in most relationships I think you overlook some things. I think as our life progressed and the situation changes the AS became a bigger and more prominent part of his and my life. Newland wrote: I'm just curious. For all of us married to an AS spouse,

(A) were they radically different people while you were dating or ( do you think you overlooked a lot of things in the beginning? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hi Tim: I have asked myself that question for years. I am a product of my generation and knew their were issues but thought, 'he was just a diamond in the rough waiting to be polished." There was the expectation that ANYONE can change their behavior if they have the right support and motivation. No one knew back than about AS. My friends knew something was not right, but no one knew what. The bad behavior was the most noticeable with no remorse or empathy. In all the years we knew each other and were married he has NEVER said he was sorry about

anything. NEVER. He just goes on with his life like nothing happens because it has no meaning to him or he is uncomfortable talking about it. It is done and over and he moves on and has no tolerance for others than linger in the past. It felt like the rules apply to everyone but me (Larry). It is all about ME and if you can't get that, you have no room in my life which is why he is all alone. He likes it that way. No pressure, no expectations, he can do what he wants, when he wants. You can't have a relationship if you don't have the skills or desire to acquire them. I think if we both knew back than about AS we BOTH would of chose not to marry each other. It was a no win situation for both of us and our kids are lucky to have survived. Relationships require certain skills. I never knew

that he had never had a successful relationship before. I made a lot of assumptions. His mother was a woman from HELL that everyone hated. I assumed his environment played a role. I was the one person in HIS family that got along with Louise the best and that relationship had its moments as she could be very nasty but she had a good heart. It wasn't till her last few years on earth when she was in a GOOD retirement home and found some GOOD friends outside of her family that she began to mellow in some ways. She finally found a life of her OWN independent of her family. I have always thought it was the best thing that ever happened to her. Larry was estranged from his family during those years but very close to mine as I come from a BIG family. That was the paradox. In certain situations where he felt comfortable, you

would never know anything was wrong or different. He had that ability to look that comfortable and like a switch turn it off and go into his world when it suited him for many reasons, probably sensory overload and comfort zone. This made many including me uncomfortable. The Jekyll and Hyde theory. Appears normal and than has a totally different side, one that some can be perceived as dark and scary and can make some folks uncomfortable unless you are like this and even if you are, might be a horrible combination if you are 2 explosive personalities??? Larry is now very close to his sister and brother as everyone else is dead. He also has a AS nephew and one with ADD. There are many adults with AS that lead very productive and successful lives and have had a good relationship + children. Maybe they are the ones we need to hear from

more. How they do it? What makes it work? No two are alike. This is just my personal story and no reflection on others in our community. Folks like me tell our stories so that others like you can tell us GOOD stories. That is what support is all about. This generation has it better as there is more awareness on AS. Back than, when Larry and I married it was unheard of. Read Leo Kanner's original paper on Autism. Now a days many would of been dx. with AS? Read the profiles of the parents. Unheard of at the time. Not the usual profile in those days for these kids when you look at the family history that he documented. Hans Asperger never had that family profile due to the setting he saw his subjects in. Leo's original paper can be read @ http://aspires-relationships.com/articles_autistic_disturbances_of_affective_contact.htm For newbie's... Enjoy! Just me. PS: Although divorced, we have a better relationship. I had him over for dinner last week and it was nice. We lead separate lives and it works for US.