Re: Sex

[Guest guest]

...

Ok, I was a geek in high school. I spent more than a few weekends at

the local university library, reading up on Masters and , the

Hite Report, the Kinsey Report, et. al. Typical of someone who has

AS. Can know all the statistics behind all this stuff, but doesn't

have any clue what that stuff is all about *laughing out loud*. Much

like the person who knows a lot about something, but it's not his

hobby. Yes, I own the DVD, " Kinsey " .

>

> There's *absolutely* no substitute for a good Owner's Manual.

For *anything* you do in life.

>

> It astonishes me: People will perform their " due diligence " when

buying houses, cars, insurance, TVs, ...whatever! But they *refuse*

to learn about their own bodies. SEX is

> fundamental to marriage. *Learning how to do it* -- NO GUESSING, no

using the " truths " learned in high-school -- is the sine-qua-non of a

good sexual relationship.

>

> The suggestion above is a fair start (make a list). But hie

yourselves off to a good bookstore and buy a good _Sex Manual_ AND a

good _Marriage Manual_. His and Hers versions (both!), if available.

*Both* partners must read both of'em. A Very Good Thing after reading

is to *ask each other* questions. And then *respect the answers*.

>

> Screwing's easy; anyone can do it. Good Sex requires an education.

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> I agree with Bill, read, read and read.. We can all use help in

life skills. Sometimes it can even make a difference. People have

been doing this for years. You don't have to have AS to benefit from

knowledge in these areas. In my generation, the sex manual wasKama

Sutra. Oils, lotions and positions. <wink> -or- there were books

on what she or he liked in bed. Anyone remember that? OK, I am

dating myself here. Good stuff. lol This is not a new idea. It

has been with us for years. Sex for Dummies??????? Been there, done

it. lol It just gives you ideas to enhance your relationship.

>

> I was born in the 50's and my parents had records of Rusty Warren

who was a entertainer who spoke out about sex in days when it was

considered risky at best. She later went on to speak at colleges for

young adults. Now a days the topic has shifted to include drugs, date

rape and abuse. Sad but true.

>

> Just me.

>

>

> You know a dream is like a river

> Ever changin' as it flows

> And a dreamer's just a vessel

> That must follow where it goes

> Trying to learn from what's behind you

> And never knowing what's in store

> Makes each day a constant battle

> Just to stay between the shores.. and

>

> I will sail my vessel

> 'Til the river runs dry

> Like a bird upon the wind

> These waters are my sky

> I'll never reach my destination

> If I never try

> So I will sail my vessel

> 'Til the river runs dry ... Garth

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo!

Mobile. Try it now.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

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Search.

>

[Guest guest]

thanks for your concern Bill.  Dave actually has very good teeth. He just never brushes, eats a lot of corn chips and polish sausages, drinks coffee all day and smokes.  All this right up til bed time.   I am convinced that if he brushed regularly his teeth would be better.  You just can't tell this guy ANYTHING.   He appears to listen, nods and smiles and then continues to to exactly as he likes. I will look up the Sjoegren's .  That makes two syndromes for the week , the first being dyspraxia!  thanks, Janet ZEE who is actually going to the dentist a week from tomorrow and doesn't know what day it is... Janet Zimmerman wrote:> I am interested in hearing if any AS men found it helpful to read books > about sex (not counting you Bill). My husband does not seem to > understand that this info is pertains to HIM. > > I have just lost interest in spending my energy on educating him to > make any changes. We are going to the dentist tomorrow so I am > optimistic about him improving his dental hygeine because now it will > cost him $$ to have his teeth cleaned, filled and most likely a series > of treatments for peridontal disease. It cost him about $1000 ten years > ago for the same thing. It is hard to ignore hygiene issues when you > are trying to have a sexual relationship. sigh. jkz [ snip ]Check with your husband's dentist _re_ amount of "gum-line caries" and persistent periodontal problems.Particularly if over time there's an impression of teeth slowly being "sawed off" at the gum-line; _despite_ fanatical brushing, flossing, etc. and regular dental care.This is one symptom of Sjoegren's Disease, an autoimmune dysfunction which can destroy salivary glands' ability to produce saliva.Normal saliva has antibiotic properties which help protect teeth against cavities, etc.Sjoegren's saliva is greatly reduced or absent ("dry mouth"), hence also has little or no antibiotic effect.Other symptoms are persistent dry skin (often flaking, like peeling after sunburn) and "dry" eyes (tear-less and "scratchy").Sjoegren's isn't so common. But many AS have co-morbid autoimmune conditions; one might expect some increase of Sjoegren's among us.I have it. As a very costly consequence I've helped a few generations of dentist's kids through college. :(So check it out.- Bill, 75, AS-- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USAhttp://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Janet Zee said: I have just learned not to depend on him for ANYTHING. I have become very confidant and competent at many things because I have to do it myself. So in a way he has done me a big favor although it has NOT been easy. What's with all the CAPITAL LETTERS? Helena:Yes, me too. I have had to learn to do stuff alone or with other

friends, and like it. Another group I am in seems concerned about my lack of personal support. That's partly why I returned to this forum. Asperger's and laser eye surgery are not really hot topics amongst my NT friends!As my father was never there, being mainly in Mexico, and my mother had her hands full with six of us children, I learned early on to get by by myself. I don't think one ever forgets that, if earned early. So maybe my absent father also did me a favour?The only thing I have not been able to do is drive, because of my dyspraxia.That has been an issue between my partner and I. I spent literally thousands of pounds on lessons because my partner didn't want to drive me places , and I did not know about the dyspraxia. Now we've agreed that I'll take the bus most places: I always did before he moved in! He just got to thinking he "had to" give me a lift whether I'd asked for it or not, and that made him resentful, and

me annoyed because, LOL, it was actually more complicated liasing times with him than catching the bus, even though the bus station is two miles away!Helena43, F, NSEngland

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[Guest guest]

Jennie Unknown wrote:

> Well it just sounded like her husband wants to have sex but is

misunderstanding her sexual reactions. I don't think it would necessarily do any

good to buy someone else books. But it might help in this particular case if the

guy's wife said, " Honey, I WANT to have intimate relations (sex or whatever you

call it in your house) with you but my body isn't made the same as yours. In

this book I was reading Dr. so and so says, " xyz " about a woman's sexuality. I

think this is what I am dealing with. The solution is, " xyz " . " Or something

along those lines. Of course if you are dealing with someone who is not

interested in sex.... then obviously educating them about anyone's body isn't

going to do any good as their problem is stemming from somewhere else and is

about something else.

>

> Jennie

Do you really have a mindless kid there?

I think there is a major understanding gap, oh, and that is an elephant

in the corner of the room, okay sorry, one of you calls it a giraffe.

So there you are _both_ of you.

One cannot speak about the elephant for reason A.

One cannot speak about the giraffe for reason B.

You agree not to notice and hey _that_ silent collusion actually works.

I do not believe that an adult AS is incapable of reading a reasonably

authoritative work and understanding, perhaps even understanding the

need to lie and act stupid because it does things to the woman.

Taking that as true, there must be some further problem.

Several come to mind.

It is likely there is zero communication and that leads to reading a

book on zebutu customs but on driving past zebutu you didn't even

recognise the place. Someone puts you right, you go back but none of it

makes any sense. The place has no signs and zebu's are mute, so no-one

says anything.

Now, without feedback that authoritative work is not accepted, must be

dodgy... it probably is NT dodgy being silent on a whole raft of stuff

everyone-knows, NT can't speak of it. (some years ago I asked some

direct questions of a very experienced shrink and you know she could not

answer, in hindsight it is very funny)

Then there is the possibility that actually there is little interest in

sex. This is actually quite hard for a woman to accept, she is the same,

seen from outside a woman has very little interest in sex, except

hanging on the end of a long preamble and then only for a fleeting

moment maybe, the rest of the time, no interest. Maybe that makes no sense.

What you are asking is for someone to guess what you don't know yourself

and some time before anything happens. Of course you could have a bloke

who is trying it on all the time and that works because they will hit

some point eventually. Maybe NT are more like that, with perhaps some

confirmation from past comments in group and elsewhere.

Many AS hate approaching anyone for anything, rather reinforced when

people say no etc. The logical solution is don't bother, not worth the pain.

The answer?

I have no idea. As you will have guessed I pretty much know that stuff

and I have never figured out any way around. Speaking directly just gets

NT mumbo jumbo, no help.

Perhaps the two sided pillows would work. Yes. No.

Oh right, don't work in the dark.

Maybe some research shows just how hard this problem is. It seems that

women get sexually aroused watching blue movies _but do not know it_.

Perhaps that shows how hard it is to work out when they are receptive,

they do not know themselves and therefore cannot voice it. (I guess it

is worse than that, I bet that being in that state turns off the

rational brain so they literally can't say)

There is quite a bit I am not saying which supports the above, personal

observation stuff about the mute state of women, no way of telling what

they mean. Ask directly, forget it, tried that.

So how can you tell if an approach is going to get a slap and scream of

rape if not literally? You cannot.

Why did things work earlier?

High hormone levels.

There is something even AS understand and there is some research

evidence in support, noticed by Uta Frith's team. One time when there is

strong eye contact. Does that work? Don't know personally.

[Guest guest]

Yes, , good advice! You are ahead of my partner; he does not deny that he has AS, but he does not usually 'own' it either. And the same with sex: I think maybe anxiety about erection is part of his 'problem', but it's not something he wants to do anything about or talk about. We did used to have sex and mutual masturbation and all of that, but when things changed, they changed more or less for ever, as others on this forum have also noted in the past.However, for the last year I have just tried to increase our understanding of his AS condition, and we have fewer freeze-outs (we never did have meltdowns!) of shorter duration, and life is generally better overall as I learn to regain my

independence. Sex would be great, but I'm not going to leave him right now over the lack of it, because I spent too much of my own teens/twenties dominated by my own sexual urges, before realising that for me it isn't the absolute be-all and end-all, and that not all of the sex that I thought was 'good' was really good!Having said all that, I realise I sound faintly defensive, BUT I am enjoying the chance to talk frankly on this subject. A doc once said she could refer us to a psychosexual therapist, but I am loath to go down that route unless the therapist is conversant with AS and how it affects adults.Thanks for your comments.HelenaF, 43, NsEngland, Uk Re: Sex

Helena.....

Not me. I'd rather have sexual intercourse with another human being

than to masturbate to my own orgasm. I see nothing wrong with mutual

masturbation, and can see where masturbation from one partner could

be ok, provided it is not something that is the only sexual

experience I have with a partner. Otherwise, I would wonder why my

partner wouldn't want to have sex with me.

Just me, but I feel that both people in the relationship should go

with whatever makes them most comfortable or wherever their fantasies

lead them (as long as it does not harm or hurt anyone). Knowing that

I have acknowledged and admitted having Asperger's and ADHD has

allowed me to feel freed to dream once again of having a wonderful

relationship in the future with someone. Thank goodness for

fantasies in the meantime.

> Also, Maxine Aston said at the "wives' convention" (healing of

CASSANDRA) that I attended last year that 50% of males with AS prefer

to masturbate regularly rather than have sexual intercourse with

another human being. If sex is an area of communication, and

communication is difficult generally, then why risk even more? Sadly,

that seems to be the case in our household: not enough person to

person sex.

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Guest guest]

I remember once  I suggested some 'role playing' (read in one of the books) and he was visibly annoyed and said.."Why should I have to do that... you're my wife' !!!  I appreciate your suggestion, Jennie, it's a good one.   I just need to get over my sense of 'why bother' and get enough nerve to address the issue.   But not today..   jzkWell it just sounded like her husband wants to have sex but is misunderstanding her sexual reactions. I don't think it would necessarily do any good to buy someone else books. But it might help in this particular case if the guy's wife said, "Honey, I WANT to have intimate relations (sex or whatever you call it in your house) with you but my body isn't made the same as yours. In this book I was reading Dr. so and so says, "xyz" about a woman's sexuality. I think this is what I am dealing with. The solution is, "xyz"." Or something along those lines. Of course if you are dealing with someone who is not interested in sex.... then obviously educating them about anyone's body isn't going to do any good as their problem is stemming from somewhere else and is about something else. Jennie    SexI don't think anyone wants to offend anyone else about the sexual stuff... maybe out of respect or something. Not that I don't mind discussing it in an academic like way. How do you discuss sex in a academic way?  Just curious?????  ....Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.8/1235 - Release Date: 1/21/2008 9:39 AMNo virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.14/1247 - Release Date: 1/28/2008 10:59 AM

[Guest guest]

Helena, I would drive you if I could and we would have fun!  I found the dispraxia site interesting.  I think maybe my younger sister might have had some tendencies toward that.  She was terribly clumsy , awkward and shy.  Not stupid, but SLOW in a physical sense. She was also left-handed and had a heart murmur so we were always careful around her.. as her older sister, I was her protector but when she went to school, it was really hard for her.   How good it would have been for her to be asssessed and treated if she did have this... I am sure her life woul dhave been different... jkz 50 years too late for my lil' sis. Janet Zee said:  I have just learned not to depend on him for ANYTHING.   I have become very confidant and competent at many things because I have to do it myself. So in a way he has done me a big favor although it has NOT been easy.  What's with all the CAPITAL LETTERS?  Helena:Yes, me too. I have had to learn to do stuff alone or with other friends, and like it. Another group I am in seems concerned about my lack of personal support. That's partly why I returned to this forum. Asperger's and laser eye surgery are not really hot topics amongst my NT friends!As my father was never there, being mainly in Mexico, and my mother had her hands full with six of us children, I learned early on to get by by myself. I don't think one ever forgets that,  if earned early. So maybe my absent father also did me a favour?The only thing I have not been able to do is drive, because of my dyspraxia.That has been an issue between my partner and I. I spent literally thousands of pounds on lessons because my partner didn't want to drive me places , and I did not know about the dyspraxia. Now we've agreed that I'll take the bus most places: I always did before he moved in! He just got to thinking he "had to" give me a lift whether I'd asked for it or not, and that made him resentful, and me annoyed because, LOL,  it was actually more complicated liasing times with him than catching the bus, even though the bus station is two miles away!Helena43, F, NSEnglandNever miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Guest guest]

So where were you when I was reading The Kinsey Report in

high school? LOL

> >>

> >> There's *absolutely* no substitute for a good Owner's Manual.

For

> >> *anything* you do in life.

> >>

> >> It astonishes me: People will perform their " due diligence "

when

> >> buying houses, cars, insurance, TVs, ...whatever! But they

> >> *refuse* to learn about their own bodies. SEX is

> >> fundamental to marriage. *Learning how to do it* -- NO

GUESSING,

> >> no using the " truths " learned in high-school -- is the sine-qua-

> >> non of a good sexual relationship.

> >>

> >> The suggestion above is a fair start (make a list). But hie

> >> yourselves off to a good bookstore and buy a good _Sex Manual_

AND

> >> a good _Marriage Manual_. His and Hers versions (both!), if

> >> available. *Both* partners must read both of'em. A Very Good

Thing

> >> after reading is to *ask each other* questions. And then

*respect

> >> the answers*.

> >>

> >> Screwing's easy; anyone can do it. Good Sex requires an

education.

> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> >> I agree with Bill, read, read and read.. We can all use help

in

> >> life skills. Sometimes it can even make a difference. People

> >> have been doing this for years. You don't have to have AS to

> >> benefit from knowledge in these areas. In my generation, the

sex

> >> manual wasKama Sutra. Oils, lotions and positions. <wink> -or-

> >> there were books on what she or he liked in bed. Anyone

remember

> >> that? OK, I am dating myself here. Good stuff. lol This is

not

> >> a new idea. It has been with us for years. Sex for

> >> Dummies??????? Been there, done it. lol It just gives you

ideas

> >> to enhance your relationship.

> >>

> >> I was born in the 50's and my parents had records of Rusty

Warren

> >> who was a entertainer who spoke out about sex in days when it

was

> >> considered risky at best. She later went on to speak at

colleges

> >> for young adults. Now a days the topic has shifted to include

> >> drugs, date rape and abuse. Sad but true.

> >>

> >> Just me.

> >>

> >>

> >> You know a dream is like a river

> >> Ever changin' as it flows

> >> And a dreamer's just a vessel

> >> That must follow where it goes

> >> Trying to learn from what's behind you

> >> And never knowing what's in store

> >> Makes each day a constant battle

> >> Just to stay between the shores.. and

> >>

> >> I will sail my vessel

> >> 'Til the river runs dry

> >> Like a bird upon the wind

> >> These waters are my sky

> >> I'll never reach my destination

> >> If I never try

> >> So I will sail my vessel

> >> 'Til the river runs dry ... Garth

> >>

> >>

> >> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo!

Mobile.

> >> Try it now.

> >>

> >

> >

> >

> > Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with

Yahoo!

> > Search.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tim,

I didn't mean that her husband sounded like a mindless kid. What I meant was if her husband wants sex (seems like he does if he's initiating) but appears to expect her to respond as he does and is otherwise a decent guy then one can assume he just doesn't understand not that he's being a jerk. I do not believe buying him a book and handing it to him is necessarily going to do any good. People do not tend to read books handed to them by others unless they were looking for an answer on that subject. Also because sex tends to be a very sensitive subject and people easily can feel rejected it makes sense to reassure ones spouse that you do indeed want to be intimate with them so that the information about your needs is not taken as an attack but a help. My own husband (NT) has had a lot of problems in this area because of past abuse. I have found it to be helpful for him, to take a time when we are both calm and to reassure him first of all that I do want to have intimate relations, that I think he's a good lover, etc BUT could we deal with this particular problem. But then judging from the rest of your post, you are talking about relationships that have elephants AND giraffes in the room. I have never allowed those things in my rooms. LOL So from the beginning (before we were married) I brought these things up and discussed them. My husband married me, knowing I was never going to keep my mouth shut about the elephant in the room. His only hope would be that I not see the elephant, that worked for awhile. (8 yrs to be exact) So anyway, perhaps my method probably would not work where both people having their own elephant (or giraffe as the case may be) to hide.

I agree AS folk are totally capable of reading and understanding an authoritative work. I never doubted that for a moment. I just think people (any people) don't read things just because, they read because they want to know something or want to be amused. If they are not searching for an answer they likely won't read and if they do they probably will let it all go in one eye and out the other.

Anyway, hope that clarifies what I said,

Jennie AS

[Guest guest]

, I didn't mean to say "I want to have intimate relations" as a pick up line. <g> I agree that would be very awkward. I meant it as a statement of reassurance at a time when the two are able to calmly discuss whatever the problem is. So the spouse knows that you aren't rejecting them but just want to deal with some issues. (See my other post to Tim) Rather than saying, "You are trying to get to sex too soon." a person could say at a time when sex is NOT happening, "Hey I was reading this book and it says women need xyz to warm up maybe we could try it, it might be fun." Or something. ?!

Jennie

[Guest guest]

Very nice, Jennie, very nice. Don't worry, I wasn't trying to find new

pick up lines or anything LOL

>

> , I didn't mean to say " I want to have intimate relations " as a

pick up line. <g> I agree that would be very awkward. I meant it as a

statement of reassurance at a time when the two are able to calmly

discuss whatever the problem is. So the spouse knows that you aren't

rejecting them but just want to deal with some issues. (See my other

post to Tim) Rather than saying, " You are trying to get to sex too

soon. " a person could say at a time when sex is NOT happening, " Hey I

was reading this book and it says women need xyz to warm up maybe we

could try it, it might be fun. " Or something. ?!

>

> Jennie

>

[Guest guest]

I can just see the scene from the Wizard of Oz... " lions and tigers and

bears, oh my... lions and tigers and bears, oh my... lions and tigers

and bears, oh my " ... then the wicked witch of the west laughs..

--- In aspires-relationships , " Jennie Unknown "

wrote from post that Tim suggested:

> " ...you are talking about relationships that have elephants AND

giraffes in the room. I have never allowed those things in my rooms. "

[Guest guest]

Yeah don't forget citing either I remember my graduate student

development theory class like it was yesterday. The prof spoke to me

and said, " I am sure you didn't mean to do this on purpose, but what

you did was considered plagarism. I'll let it slip by this time and

call it incidental plagarism. But the next time you plagarize anything,

you will not be a graduate of KU's graduate school. Is that

understood? " I was like, " Yes, Dr. so and so " .

> I agree AS folk are totally capable of reading and understanding an

authoritative work. I never doubted that for a moment. I just think

people (any people) don't read things just because, they read because

they want to know something or want to be amused. If they are not

searching for an answer they likely won't read and if they do they

probably will let it all go in one eye and out the other.

>

> Anyway, hope that clarifies what I said,

>

> Jennie AS

>

[Guest guest]

Who wants an airbrushed picture when you can have the real thing LOL

> >>

> >> There's *absolutely* no substitute for a good Owner's Manual.

For

> >> *anything* you do in life.

> >>

> >> It astonishes me: People will perform their " due diligence "

when

> >> buying houses, cars, insurance, TVs, ...whatever! But they

> >> *refuse* to learn about their own bodies. SEX is

> >> fundamental to marriage. *Learning how to do it* -- NO

GUESSING,

> >> no using the " truths " learned in high-school -- is the sine-qua-

> >> non of a good sexual relationship.

> >>

> >> The suggestion above is a fair start (make a list). But hie

> >> yourselves off to a good bookstore and buy a good _Sex Manual_

AND

> >> a good _Marriage Manual_. His and Hers versions (both!), if

> >> available. *Both* partners must read both of'em. A Very Good

Thing

> >> after reading is to *ask each other* questions. And then

*respect

> >> the answers*.

> >>

> >> Screwing's easy; anyone can do it. Good Sex requires an

education.

> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> >> I agree with Bill, read, read and read.. We can all use help

in

> >> life skills. Sometimes it can even make a difference. People

> >> have been doing this for years. You don't have to have AS to

> >> benefit from knowledge in these areas. In my generation, the

sex

> >> manual wasKama Sutra. Oils, lotions and positions. <wink> -or-

> >> there were books on what she or he liked in bed. Anyone

remember

> >> that? OK, I am dating myself here. Good stuff. lol This is

not

> >> a new idea. It has been with us for years. Sex for

> >> Dummies??????? Been there, done it. lol It just gives you

ideas

> >> to enhance your relationship.

> >>

> >> I was born in the 50's and my parents had records of Rusty

Warren

> >> who was a entertainer who spoke out about sex in days when it

was

> >> considered risky at best. She later went on to speak at

colleges

> >> for young adults. Now a days the topic has shifted to include

> >> drugs, date rape and abuse. Sad but true.

> >>

> >> Just me.

> >>

> >>

> >> You know a dream is like a river

> >> Ever changin' as it flows

> >> And a dreamer's just a vessel

> >> That must follow where it goes

> >> Trying to learn from what's behind you

> >> And never knowing what's in store

> >> Makes each day a constant battle

> >> Just to stay between the shores.. and

> >>

> >> I will sail my vessel

> >> 'Til the river runs dry

> >> Like a bird upon the wind

> >> These waters are my sky

> >> I'll never reach my destination

> >> If I never try

> >> So I will sail my vessel

> >> 'Til the river runs dry ... Garth

> >>

> >>

> >> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo!

Mobile.

> >> Try it now.

> >>

> >

> >

> >

> > Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with

Yahoo!

> > Search.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jennie Unknown wrote:

> Anyway, hope that clarifies what I said,

>

> Jennie AS

Quite so that water horse drink are not so easy.

[Guest guest]

I'm not very verbal when it comes to sex. however, I'm learning that if

I want foreplay of any sort or basically anything other than just

straight sex, I have to specifically say... while NOT in bed having

sex... " Hey, sweetie, I really liked it when you did XYZ and would LOVE

if you did it again say... tonight? " Or " You know, I know you enjoy

abc but it really doesn't do anything for me.. it actually distracts me

from enjoying everything else. " That is the only way he has figured out

that I am interested in more than just " Insert tab A into slot B and

move back and forth. " Does he know about sex? Yes. Has he seen

porn? ALL THE TIME. Does it occur to him that *I* might enjoy some of

the things he sees or knows about? No.

I actually have to ASK to be tied up... just takes some of the fun out

of it, you know?

a

Jennie Unknown wrote:

>

> , I didn't mean to say " I want to have intimate relations " as a

> pick up line. <g> I agree that would be very awkward. I meant it as a

> statement of reassurance at a time when the two are able to calmly

> discuss whatever the problem is. So the spouse knows that you aren't

> rejecting them but just want to deal with some issues. (See my other

> post to Tim) Rather than saying, " You are trying to get to sex too

> soon. " a person could say at a time when sex is NOT happening, " Hey I

> was reading this book and it says women need xyz to warm up maybe we

> could try it, it might be fun. " Or something. ?!

>

> Jennie

>

[Guest guest]

a,

I'm going to assume you were serious with your last paragraph comment... Forgive me if it was a joke and I'm missing it. It just seems like tying a woman up during sex is something that is probably NOT going to occur to a man, especially not in today's world. Well to clarify: It probably won't occur to him to think that a real live woman would want this even if it is a fantasy thing for him. I would guess most reasonable and decent men would be afraid their wife/partner would think they were a psycho nut. If you ask me that is the sort of thing you have to let him know you want.

(And frankly any man who ties up his woman to have sex with her without her permission has serious psycho problems. Without your permission that would be abuse.)

In my, in this case, NOT humble opinion, LOL

Jennie AS

a wrote:>>I'm not very verbal when it comes to sex. however, I'm learning that if I want foreplay of any sort or basically anything other than just straight sex, I have to specifically say... while NOT in bed having sex... "Hey, sweetie, I really liked it when you did XYZ and would LOVE if you did it again say... tonight?" Or "You know, I know you enjoy abc but it really doesn't do anything for me.. it actually distracts me from enjoying everything else." That is the only way he has figured out that I am interested in more than just "Insert tab A into slot B and move back and forth." Does he know about sex? Yes. Has he seen porn? ALL THE TIME. Does it occur to him that *I* might enjoy some of the things he sees or knows about? No.I actually have to ASK to be tied up... just takes some of the fun out of it, you know?a

[Guest guest]

I said>>It just seems like tying a woman up during sex is something that is probably NOT going to occur to a man, especially not in today's world.<<

By 'in today's world' what I mean is today all a woman has to do is call the police and register a charge and a man can get thrown in jail so fast it will make your head spin. I can see that maybe a guys perspective something like this might be too big a risk. What if his partner get's mad at him, what if she doesn't want him to do it this time and he doesn't get that message and does it anyway, etc. I mean if it has to be a non verbal thing... even NT guys miss signals from their partners... Anyway, just my thoughts on the subject of why this might be too risky from the male perspective. You'd have to have a really good relationship with LOTS of trust going both ways between the two of you to have it be a non verbal thing.

Jennie

[Guest guest]

Anyone can learn to be more assertive Might want to act a

flirtier around your " significant other " .

> >

> > , I didn't mean to say " I want to have intimate relations "

as a

> > pick up line. <g> I agree that would be very awkward. I meant it

as a

> > statement of reassurance at a time when the two are able to

calmly

> > discuss whatever the problem is. So the spouse knows that you

aren't

> > rejecting them but just want to deal with some issues. (See my

other

> > post to Tim) Rather than saying, " You are trying to get to sex

too

> > soon. " a person could say at a time when sex is NOT

happening, " Hey I

> > was reading this book and it says women need xyz to warm up maybe

we

> > could try it, it might be fun. " Or something. ?!

> >

> > Jennie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I really like Scots ice cube idea... thoat would work for me.  I like funny things.. it shows that person is trying.  jkzVery nice, Jennie, very nice. Don't worry, I wasn't trying to find new pick up lines or anything LOL>> , I didn't mean to say "I want to have intimate relations" as a pick up line. <g> I agree that would be very awkward. I meant it as a statement of reassurance at a time when the two are able to calmly discuss whatever the problem is. So the spouse knows that you aren't rejecting them but just want to deal with some issues. (See my other post to Tim) Rather than saying, "You are trying to get to sex too soon." a person could say at a time when sex is NOT happening, "Hey I was reading this book and it says women need xyz to warm up maybe we could try it, it might be fun." Or something. ?!> > Jennie>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Janet. What's this someone said in the group about people

shouldn't use books or something? I picked up that and other ideas

from Anne Hooper's books, as well as a couple of Love/Romance

listservs I subscribe to and such. If people don't like the idea of

using books, more power to them. I'm also ADHD and am always trying

to come up with new and inventive ideas for things to try out and

such. At least my ex-gf can't blame me for not being someone who

wasn't willing to try new things Don't worry, no one will see me

trying to have sex while hanggliding in the air about above the

middle of nowhere LOL. Thank goodness I have both ADHD and

Asperger's - it's a blessing moreso than not.

Anyway, I've always wanted to hangglide and that is something I would

think goes against the characteristics of someone who has AS more

with the characteristics. The urge of hanggliding and feeling the

wind lift me higher does not give the impression of wanting to be

within a structure. Sure, hanggliding can be done solo. However,

hanggliding is about " going with the flow " and allowing yourself to

be taken wherever in the air. Now that I've mentioned that, time to

begin another list of things I want to accomplish before my time

comes. I don't have expectations as to the exact time I want to

accomplish them by or anything. Bungee jumping won't be on my list

> > >

> > > , I didn't mean to say " I want to have intimate relations "

as a

> > pick up line. <g> I agree that would be very awkward. I meant it

as a

> > statement of reassurance at a time when the two are able to calmly

> > discuss whatever the problem is. So the spouse knows that you

aren't

> > rejecting them but just want to deal with some issues. (See my

other

> > post to Tim) Rather than saying, " You are trying to get to sex too

> > soon. " a person could say at a time when sex is NOT

happening, " Hey I

> > was reading this book and it says women need xyz to warm up maybe

we

> > could try it, it might be fun. " Or something. ?!

> > >

> > > Jennie

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

One of my biggest fears is that my AS husband would take up......HANG GLIDING!  He has always been interested !  jkz you can never tell about anyone.. As or NTThanks, Janet. What's this someone said in the group about people shouldn't use books or something? I picked up that and other ideas from Anne Hooper's books, as well as a couple of Love/Romance listservs I subscribe to and such. If people don't like the idea of using books, more power to them. I'm also ADHD and am always trying to come up with new and inventive ideas for things to try out and such. At least my ex-gf can't blame me for not being someone who wasn't willing to try new things Don't worry, no one will see me trying to have sex while hanggliding in the air about above the middle of nowhere LOL. Thank goodness I have both ADHD and Asperger's - it's a blessing moreso than not.Anyway, I've always wanted to hangglide and that is something I would think goes against the characteristics of someone who has AS more with the characteristics. The urge of hanggliding and feeling the wind lift me higher does not give the impression of wanting to be within a structure. Sure, hanggliding can be done solo. However, hanggliding is about "going with the flow" and allowing yourself to be taken wherever in the air. Now that I've mentioned that, time to begin another list of things I want to accomplish before my time comes. I don't have expectations as to the exact time I want to accomplish them by or anything. Bungee jumping won't be on my list > > >> > > , I didn't mean to say "I want to have intimate relations" as a> > pick up line. <g> I agree that would be very awkward. I meant it as a> > statement of reassurance at a time when the two are able to calmly> > discuss whatever the problem is. So the spouse knows that you aren't> > rejecting them but just want to deal with some issues. (See my other> > post to Tim) Rather than saying, "You are trying to get to sex too> > soon." a person could say at a time when sex is NOT happening, "Hey I> > was reading this book and it says women need xyz to warm up maybe we> > could try it, it might be fun." Or something. ?!> > >> > > Jennie> > >> >> >> >>

[Guest guest]

Good observation

> > > > >

> > > > > , I didn't mean to say " I want to have intimate

relations "

> > as a

> > > > pick up line. <g> I agree that would be very awkward. I meant

it

> > as a

> > > > statement of reassurance at a time when the two are able to

calmly

> > > > discuss whatever the problem is. So the spouse knows that you

> > aren't

> > > > rejecting them but just want to deal with some issues. (See my

> > other

> > > > post to Tim) Rather than saying, " You are trying to get to

sex too

> > > > soon. " a person could say at a time when sex is NOT

> > happening, " Hey I

> > > > was reading this book and it says women need xyz to warm up

maybe

> > we

> > > > could try it, it might be fun. " Or something. ?!

> > > > >

> > > > > Jennie

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

oh I've gotten assertive enough he's managed to figure out when I'm

interested...it's just that he gets caught up in things on the computer

or is stressing about other things that my interest gets relegated to

the " unimportant " portion of his brain.

wrote:

>

> Anyone can learn to be more assertive Might want to act a

> flirtier around your " significant other " .

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > , I didn't mean to say " I want to have intimate relations "

> as a

> > > pick up line. <g> I agree that would be very awkward. I meant it

> as a

> > > statement of reassurance at a time when the two are able to

> calmly

> > > discuss whatever the problem is. So the spouse knows that you

> aren't

> > > rejecting them but just want to deal with some issues. (See my

> other

> > > post to Tim) Rather than saying, " You are trying to get to sex

> too

> > > soon. " a person could say at a time when sex is NOT

> happening, " Hey I

> > > was reading this book and it says women need xyz to warm up maybe

> we

> > > could try it, it might be fun. " Or something. ?!

> > >

> > > Jennie

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ok, I'll admit to saying a few words (which I won't say here), that

weren't quite, shall we say, academic? LOL. Let's forget about being

academic for a second. If there's one thing I feel women enjoy, it's

the idea of hearing something quite tantalizing in their ears. See,

I wasn't afraid of admitting that. Nor would I in a future

relationship. Geez, now I've got myself dreaming what it would be

like to be in a future romantic relationship with someone who would e

ideal for me lol.

> >

> > I don't think anyone wants to offend anyone else about the sexual

> > stuff... maybe out of respect or something. Not that I don't mind

> > discussing it in an academic like way.

> >

> >

> >

> > How do you discuss sex in a academic way? Just

curious????? ....

> >

>

>

> and , you made me smile today. Hmmm, thinking about

this

> myself, I feel that AS men are always academic about sex. That is

> where the problem lies with their NT wives.......lol. I am trying

to

> be humorous here. Verleen

>