'Successful' AS/NS relationship

[Guest guest]

Delyth -

For new members, MY story.

There are many successful relationships out there. Old timers know my story. I met Larry in Reno, Nevada. I was a professional dancer and he was a bartender working the high level pit at the Sahara Del Web Casino now owned by the Hilton Corporation. I leave the professing and go home to the San Francisco Bay Area [California, USA] and he follows as his family was also there. We continue our relationship. One day out of the blue he breaks up with me. RED FLAG. [he is telling me, I can't do this.] Shortly after that I discover I am pregnant. He does not want to be a father and we now have some hard decisions to make. At the end of the day he makes the decision to become a father [that was based on the fact that his father left him and his family at an early age to marry another women and his brother had just left his wife for another women. 2nd RED FLAG]. We get married and my folks help us buy our first house. Now, Larry has a house, wife and baby on the way.

Life is grand. is born, I go back to work, we hire a live in Nanny and three years later we decide we want another child. We tried for a year and I had several miscarriages and finally Cass is born. I miscarried his twin at 10-12 weeks which is another story. Larry now has a son and a year later I was pregnant AGAIN and Larry said, OK and Britt was born. We sell our house and move to Bend, Oregon/USA for a better life and life shifted. One of the reasons was Larry had a problem with cocaine from the Casino days. It was the times and generation and drug of choice. Our life was also different. He worked nights, I worked days and our weekends were spend with dinner out, the theater and a after hours restaurant or nightclub. That was OUR time to connect and relax. When we moved to Oregon, I stopped working and we did not have that outlet here as Bend is a resort/retirement area. Larry gets a good job and held it for 16 years as the owner of the bar loved him. Our marriage starts to fall apart after our son was dx. with AS and we discovered he had it too. I am building support groups as a outlet. I join FAAAS, I an others are thrown off of FAAAS one night as we were seeking support to repair our relationships. Over night ASPIRES is born and I now have a new and better connection with partners/spouses and those "with" AS. My journey begins...

In the old days, we were all starting our at square one. Maxine Aston had just published the first book on AS/NS couples that Meyer/AS bought 200 copies into the USA for awareness, Now there are many books. We were all scrambling for answers in those days and shared intimate details of our lives hoping to make some sense of it. We all found a home and together we climbed the mountain. We dealt with the elephant in the room that no one talks about, professionals that would not know AS if it hit them in the face with a 2 X 4 and the list goes on and on...

I was part of the generation that had a child dx. that than looked at their spouse and family and had a light bulb moment that AS had been a part of my life from day one on both sides of our family. Larry is self dx. There were hard years asking the same questions new members ask now. What is AS and what is bad behavior? When times got quiet on ASPIRES, I would share another Larry story. What has Larry done this week? lol Larry did things that most spouses would of said, "your done, NEXT" over and over again. I think sometimes when you know your spouse has a disability you go the extra yards trying to understand and compensate. There was also good things that Larry did. Marriage was not one of them and he knew that up front and should of gone with his gut feelings as it would of saved us all a lot of grief. Infidelity, forging my name on Federal documents, etc., etc., etc. Marriage was not his strong suit. <wink> Successful? Yes we are a good story and I left out a zillion details that only old timers remember. The bottom line is we made it to the mountain.

Fast FF to today and the bad memories are behind us. The divorce was bitter but we some how made it through the bad times and are now still friends. I am often reminded of this song, there was a band back in our days that sung this... It sounds so much better with the music behind it...

Welcome to My World Won't you come on in Miracles, I guess Still happen now and then Step into my heart Leave your cares behind Welcome to my world Built with you in mind Knock and the door shall be open Seek and you will find Ask and you'll be given The key to this heart of mine I'll be waiting there With my arms unfoldWaiting just for you Welcome to my world ....................Society of Seven, arranged and produced by Ernie Freeman

[Guest guest]

D thanks for taking the time to write... are you living together.. it sounds as if you are living apart... I find your thoughts helpful... jkzFirstly, I wish I had more time to write.... it would be so much quicker and easier to talk and we could cover so much more ground! Alas, email is all we have, but I do need to say it is not the medium that I communicate best in with just a few snatched minutes to spare! I prefer face to face.Also, I find it difficult to participate in conversations on this forum because of the time difference between US and UK - I feel like I am coming in to the circle afterwards, when you are all asleep. It doesn't feel right.... so I am not even going to try and converse, but just give some brief comments.Excuse the bullet point style..... only have 40 more minutes and I am not quick to organise my thoughts....So, here are some immediate thoughts (no priority) on things that helped our particular AS/NS relationship to stabilise and grow again:- My partner and I temporarily separated, giving us the space to recover from the 'battleground' we had developed. Separating was scary for both of us - we have three children and I really did not want to be a single parent and he did not want to be alone..... but doing this was probably the single most effective action we could take to save our marriage. I could deal with one thing at a time instead of being over whelmed with ALL things at once. Over time we gradually rebuilt our marital relationship and his relationship with us as a family, learning as we went.- Both of us agreeing to respect each other- gaining his trust. This was very important.... and it took time to achieve after the mess we had got into.- Standing back and watching - I am naturally very quick and impulsive and decisive so this was a big challenge for me! - stopping talking, just listening- stepping out of the cycle of negative patterns and interactions - changing my behaviour.- stopping making judgements, which means accepting that AS is a developmental disorder and that even though sometimes it would feel to me that my partner was behaving like a two year old, I could not respond with the usual and instinctive incredulation and disbelief etc. I discovered that when I responded as if he was a two year old, I was perpetuating the situation of him being a two year old. Now I respond without judgement and he responds without fear of making mistakes or defensiveness. And so he can learn and change because he is not crippled by fear of my response.- understanding the 'things' that helped my partner to feel comfortable enough to talk and express and find his emotions - which are absolutely there inside. No zombie - very far from it. These will be different for every individual.- understanding how AS affected my partner. So understanding it beyond the official criteria. For this I made a big long list of 'things' that I began to see. Something as simple as giving him more time to respond to questions worked like magic. I just thought that he was choosing to be quiet because he didn't respond in the expected amount of time.- being kind to myself, re-developing all the aspects of my life that I needed to be a healthy human being but that had got lost along the way. Self respect is essential.- reading about building relationships - especially setting boundaries. I was not good enough at this. And reading about abuse and emotional neglect.- understanding how our family backgrounds and poor parental models had contributed to our downfall as a couple.- reading Donna - Sondra's words on Aspires. Where is Sondra? I wish she would come back.... sigh........- understanding that 'venting' was ok... but more importantly that then I needed to move on. FAAAS web forum was useful for expressing pain. And then there came a time when I had to leave that place and not get stuck.- understanding why I was feeling angry with a man who has this disability when I could not see myself being angry with a man who had, for example, a physical disability. Also understanding that we all grow and develop at different times - for example, if I wanted to learn a new language that I had had no exposure to I would start at the level of a pre-schooler, but this does not mean I actually am a pre-schooler! I can only learn this language if those around me support me and not laugh at me. And so my partner has a new language to learn.-acknowledging and accepting that this relationship was going to be a challenge - possibly for ever!- remembering all the good qualities of our relationship- writing everything down. - Doing whatever is essential for keeping me emotionally healthy - poetry painting etc etc. Inspiring healthy stuff.- homeopathic treatment and bach flower remedies at particularly difficult times- finding ways to share everything with him. He finds talking difficult, but we can write if needed.- making sure my expectations are clear and in his language. It's no good me talking french if he can only understand German at the moment!- looking for positive things however small- knowing that, yes, AS is an information processing disorder but that his behaviours that confused me and left me bewildered have occurred not simply because of the disorder, but because the environment (himself, me and his children) did not know that the messages were being confused. Once I understood that the messages were being confused and he accepted  that he did not get the right messages (trusted my word - he is not able to get the right messages most of the time in the 'normal' course of the day to day interactions), everything changed for the better.- knowing that there is something wrong with me if I tease my husband about his inability to read my body language, for example. I am so sorry that I ever did this...I thought it was funny. I have learned!- stop being responsible for him- reading other people's stories and all the stuff on AS- a glass of wine or whatever treat I fanciedYikes! This list has gone on too long.......... sorry. And there is so much more!Hope some bits are useful to some. Writing it all here it seems a lot of understanding, but please do remember all these things happen slowly and over time. It was three years ago when my partner and I decided to live apart. It's a slow process, no quick fixes I'm afraid.So, take one day at a time...even one hour at a time when things are particularly bad.I really wish it was all much simpler.....Best wishes to allDelyth (NS 46 yrs, 19 year relationship with AS which is now healthy, strong and still growing and in which we both get our needs met - most of the time!)

[Guest guest]

, I love this song and sing it n my band.. jkz thanks for your words Delyth - For new members, MY story. There are many successful relationships out there.  Old timers know my story.  I met Larry in Reno, Nevada.  I was a professional dancer and he was a bartender working the high level pit at the Sahara Del Web Casino now owned by the Hilton Corporation.  I leave the professing and go home to the San Francisco Bay Area [California, USA] and he follows as his family was also there.  We continue our relationship.  One day out of the blue he breaks up with me.  RED FLAG.  [he is telling me, I can't do this.]  Shortly after that I discover I am pregnant.  He does not want to be a father and we now have some hard decisions to make.  At the end of the day he makes the decision to become a father [that was based on the fact that his father left him and his family at an early age to marry another women and his brother had just left his wife for another women.  2nd RED FLAG].  We get married and my folks help us buy our first house.  Now, Larry has a house, wife and baby on the way. Life is grand.  is born, I go back to work, we hire a live in Nanny and three years later we decide we want another child.  We tried for a year and I had several miscarriages and finally Cass is born.  I miscarried his twin at 10-12 weeks which is another story.  Larry now has a son and a year later I was pregnant AGAIN and Larry said, OK and Britt was born.  We sell our house and move to Bend, Oregon/USA for a better life and life shifted.  One of the reasons was Larry had a problem with cocaine from the Casino days.  It was the times and generation and drug of choice.  Our life was also different.  He worked nights, I worked days and our weekends were spend with dinner out, the theater and a after hours restaurant or nightclub.  That was OUR time to connect and relax.  When we moved to Oregon, I stopped working and we did not have that outlet here as Bend is a resort/retirement area.  Larry gets a good job and held it for 16 years as the owner of the bar loved him.  Our marriage starts to fall apart after our son was dx. with AS and we discovered he had it too.  I am building support groups as a outlet.  I join FAAAS, I an others are thrown off of FAAAS one night as we were seeking support to repair our relationships.  Over night ASPIRES is born and I now have a new and better connection with partners/spouses and those "with" AS.  My journey begins... In the old days, we were all starting our at square one.  Maxine Aston had just published the first book on AS/NS couples that Meyer/AS bought 200 copies into the USA for awareness,  Now there are many books.  We were all scrambling for answers in those days and shared intimate details of our lives hoping to make some sense of it.  We all found a home and together we climbed the mountain.  We dealt with the elephant in the room that no one talks about, professionals that would not know AS if it hit them in the face with a 2 X 4 and the list goes on and on... I was part of the generation that had a child dx. that than looked at their spouse and family and had a light bulb moment that AS had been a part of my life from day one on both sides of our family.  Larry is self dx.  There were hard years asking the same questions new members ask now.  What is AS and what is bad behavior?  When times got quiet on ASPIRES, I would share another Larry story.  What has Larry done this week?  lol  Larry did things that most spouses would of said, "your done, NEXT" over and over again.  I think sometimes when you know your spouse has a disability you go the extra yards trying to understand and compensate.  There was also good things that Larry did.  Marriage was not one of them and he knew that up front and should of gone with his gut feelings as it would of saved us all a lot of grief.  Infidelity, forging my name on Federal documents, etc., etc., etc.  Marriage was not his strong suit.  <wink>  Successful?  Yes we are a good story and I left out a zillion details that only old timers remember.  The bottom line is we made it to the mountain.  Fast FF to today and the bad memories are behind us.  The divorce was bitter but we some how made it through the bad times and are now still friends.  I am often reminded of this song, there was a band back in our days that sung this...  It sounds so much better with the music behind it... Welcome to My World Won't you come on in Miracles, I guess Still happen now and then Step into my heart Leave your cares behind Welcome to my world Built with you in mind Knock and the door shall be open Seek and you will find Ask and you'll be given The key to this heart of mine I'll be waiting there With my arms unfoldWaiting just for you Welcome to my world ....................Society of Seven, arranged and produced by Ernie Freeman