'Successful' AS/NS relationship

[Guest guest]

Firstly, I wish I had more time to write.... it would be so much

quicker and easier to talk and we could cover so much more ground!

Alas, email is all we have, but I do need to say it is not the medium

that I communicate best in with just a few snatched minutes to spare! I

prefer face to face.

Also, I find it difficult to participate in conversations on this forum

because of the time difference between US and UK - I feel like I am

coming in to the circle afterwards, when you are all asleep. It doesn't

feel right.... so I am not even going to try and converse, but just

give some brief comments.

Excuse the bullet point style..... only have 40 more minutes and I am

not quick to organise my thoughts....

So, here are some immediate thoughts (no priority) on things that

helped our particular AS/NS relationship to stabilise and grow again:

- My partner and I temporarily separated, giving us the space to

recover from the 'battleground' we had developed. Separating was scary

for both of us - we have three children and I really did not want to be

a single parent and he did not want to be alone..... but doing this was

probably the single most effective action we could take to save our

marriage. I could deal with one thing at a time instead of being over

whelmed with ALL things at once. Over time we gradually rebuilt our

marital relationship and his relationship with us as a family, learning

as we went.

- Both of us agreeing to respect each other

- gaining his trust. This was very important.... and it took time to

achieve after the mess we had got into.

- Standing back and watching - I am naturally very quick and impulsive

and decisive so this was a big challenge for me!

- stopping talking, just listening

- stepping out of the cycle of negative patterns and interactions -

changing my behaviour.

- stopping making judgements, which means accepting that AS is a

developmental disorder and that even though sometimes it would feel to

me that my partner was behaving like a two year old, I could not

respond with the usual and instinctive incredulation and disbelief etc.

I discovered that when I responded as if he was a two year old, I was

perpetuating the situation of him being a two year old. Now I respond

without judgement and he responds without fear of making mistakes or

defensiveness. And so he can learn and change because he is not

crippled by fear of my response.

- understanding the 'things' that helped my partner to feel comfortable

enough to talk and express and find his emotions - which are absolutely

there inside. No zombie - very far from it. These will be different for

every individual.

- understanding how AS affected my partner. So understanding it beyond

the official criteria. For this I made a big long list of 'things' that

I began to see. Something as simple as giving him more time to respond

to questions worked like magic. I just thought that he was choosing to

be quiet because he didn't respond in the expected amount of time.

- being kind to myself, re-developing all the aspects of my life that I

needed to be a healthy human being but that had got lost along the way.

Self respect is essential.

- reading about building relationships - especially setting boundaries.

I was not good enough at this. And reading about abuse and emotional

neglect.

- understanding how our family backgrounds and poor parental models had

contributed to our downfall as a couple.

- reading Donna

- Sondra's words on Aspires. Where is Sondra? I wish she would come

back.... sigh........

- understanding that 'venting' was ok... but more importantly that then

I needed to move on. FAAAS web forum was useful for expressing pain.

And then there came a time when I had to leave that place and not get

stuck.

- understanding why I was feeling angry with a man who has this

disability when I could not see myself being angry with a man who had,

for example, a physical disability. Also understanding that we all grow

and develop at different times - for example, if I wanted to learn a

new language that I had had no exposure to I would start at the level

of a pre-schooler, but this does not mean I actually am a pre-schooler!

I can only learn this language if those around me support me and not

laugh at me. And so my partner has a new language to learn.

-acknowledging and accepting that this relationship was going to be a

challenge - possibly for ever!

- remembering all the good qualities of our relationship

- writing everything down.

- Doing whatever is essential for keeping me emotionally healthy -

poetry painting etc etc. Inspiring healthy stuff.

- homeopathic treatment and bach flower remedies at particularly

difficult times

- finding ways to share everything with him. He finds talking

difficult, but we can write if needed.

- making sure my expectations are clear and in his language. It's no

good me talking french if he can only understand German at the moment!

- looking for positive things however small

- knowing that, yes, AS is an information processing disorder but that

his behaviours that confused me and left me bewildered have occurred

not simply because of the disorder, but because the environment

(himself, me and his children) did not know that the messages were

being confused. Once I understood that the messages were being confused

and he accepted that he did not get the right messages (trusted my

word - he is not able to get the right messages most of the time in the

'normal' course of the day to day interactions), everything changed for

the better.

- knowing that there is something wrong with me if I tease my husband

about his inability to read my body language, for example. I am so

sorry that I ever did this...I thought it was funny. I have learned!

- stop being responsible for him

- reading other people's stories and all the stuff on AS

- a glass of wine or whatever treat I fancied

Yikes! This list has gone on too long.......... sorry. And there is so

much more!

Hope some bits are useful to some. Writing it all here it seems a lot

of understanding, but please do remember all these things happen slowly

and over time. It was three years ago when my partner and I decided to

live apart. It's a slow process, no quick fixes I'm afraid.

So, take one day at a time...even one hour at a time when things are

particularly bad.

I really wish it was all much simpler.....

Best wishes to all

Delyth (NS 46 yrs, 19 year relationship with AS which is now healthy,

strong and still growing and in which we both get our needs met - most

of the time!)