Re: Advice Requested -- Bill

[Guest guest]

Bill,

I apologize if I offended you. Sometimes when I'm writing, I get

carried away being emphatic. I guess in my e-mail I was expressing

some frustration with this situation and maybe I shouldn't have.

Yes, before I met him he thought he had ADHD.

Before I met him his parents took him around to a zillion

professionals to find out why he was having so many problems. This

was before AS was heard of.

You're right -- one of my faults is when I believe I know something,

I really believe I KNOW something. I'm trying to work on this.

You're right -- I'm obsessing. When I have a problem, I tend to

obsess about it. Another one of my faults. I'm trying to work on

this too.

But no. I don't want there to be something wrong with him. I just

can't deny what is at least my reality that something is going on

here.

Just curious...did you look at my list of observations? Did you read

that his parents have thought he has AS ever since the diagnosis came

out? I didn't even bring this up with his mom. She brought it up to

me.

You're probably right that I need to back off of thinking about

this. My thoughts at to what I should do have gone back and forth

like the tides the last few days.

[Guest guest]

...

I'm not sure you should be apologizing for anything at this moment. I

do feel you should slow down (stop even) the concept of long term

plans in the relationship you describe.

There is one thing I feel is necessary to comment on at this time

though. You were admonished for being obsessive, and for not being

happy until your boyfriend is dx'd with a " condition. " Your certainty

about any of this was also questioned and there may have been a

perceived inference that if the guy doesn't think he has anything

going on and his shrink doesn't think so, well then you should stop

challenging it.

I for one can attest to the FACT that most shrinks wouldn't know AS if

it ran them over in the form of a military tank! The intuitive

ability of neuro-typicals is WAY more reliable than anything I can

think of. NT's can also become VERY diligent in thinking if they just

get whatever their " gut " is telling time to the point of diagnosis and

perhaps medication, many of their fears would be calmed.

That is NOT what AS is all about! Getting the diagnosis opens a

Pandora's box the size of Gibraltar! Listen to what Haze wrote, once

AS is diagnosed it does not mean CURE, it means doing everything

possible to mitigate AS, and almost all of the change will come from

YOU, not him.

Having said that, I personally believe you are panicking over the fact

that your " gut " is telling you something serious might be going on at

the time you and your boyfriend are seemingly minutes away from

cohabitation. I think you are filled with emotion that's spilling out

all over the place because that's what happens to NT's when they are

terrified their emotions are not being heard. You're frantic. I'll

stick my neck out and say *many* NT's on this list have been in the

frenzied, panicky position your words are projecting. It's terrifying!

This is sort of like the bride putting on her dress, with a church

filled with guests and having second, third and fourth thoughts about

some of the things that have ALREADY tweaked her about the

relationship. Then she processes the whole thing as, " the Clergy is

waiting, the guests are waiting, the caterer has brought the food and

drink and it's too late, I have to go through with this. "

You don't have to go through with it! You also don't have to continue

to be obsessed because you are pressed for time. Go with your GUT.

Regards,

Anita. 55 NT

>

> Bill,

>

> I apologize if I offended you. Sometimes when I'm writing, I get

> carried away being emphatic. I guess in my e-mail I was expressing

> some frustration with this situation and maybe I shouldn't have.

>

> Yes, before I met him he thought he had ADHD.

>

> Before I met him his parents took him around to a zillion

> professionals to find out why he was having so many problems. This

> was before AS was heard of.

>

> You're right -- one of my faults is when I believe I know something,

> I really believe I KNOW something. I'm trying to work on this.

>

> You're right -- I'm obsessing. When I have a problem, I tend to

> obsess about it. Another one of my faults. I'm trying to work on

> this too.

>

> But no. I don't want there to be something wrong with him. I just

> can't deny what is at least my reality that something is going on

> here.

>

> Just curious...did you look at my list of observations? Did you read

> that his parents have thought he has AS ever since the diagnosis came

> out? I didn't even bring this up with his mom. She brought it up to

> me.

>

> You're probably right that I need to back off of thinking about

> this. My thoughts at to what I should do have gone back and forth

> like the tides the last few days.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

howlingfarmer wrote:

> Bill,

>

> I apologize if I offended you.

You did not offend me. I was, and am, worried about you.

> Sometimes when I'm writing, I get

> carried away being emphatic. I guess in my e-mail I was expressing

> some frustration with this situation and maybe I shouldn't have.

>

> Yes, before I met him he thought he had ADHD.

>

> Before I met him his parents took him around to a zillion

> professionals to find out why he was having so many problems. This

> was before AS was heard of.

Yes, of course. I know that story...

Did you know that " gifted " children (and later, adults) have defining

behaviors tha-a-a-at close to Asperger's? But of course " gifted " people

aren't pathologized.

>

> You're right -- one of my faults is when I believe I know something,

> I really believe I KNOW something. I'm trying to work on this.

>

> You're right -- I'm obsessing. When I have a problem, I tend to

> obsess about it. Another one of my faults. I'm trying to work on

> this too.

>

> But no. I don't want there to be something wrong with him. I just

> can't deny what is at least my reality that something is going on

> here.

>

> Just curious...did you look at my list of observations? Did you read

> that his parents have thought he has AS ever since the diagnosis came

> out?

Yes. Which put me hugely in mind of my own history. Although NOBODY

had ever " caught on " . Especially including me, until a few years ago.

> I didn't even bring this up with his mom. She brought it up to

> me.

Thanks for reinforcing that notion. In this context, right now, there

still is " no evidence " . BUT it's easier for me to agree: the two of you

do need a resolution to the issue.

And you need it *before* you're too much more " involved " . Certainly

before you're legally hitched.

I still think you're pushing your friend too much, too fast.

I'd suggest you approach a professional as I did: " AS? Confirm or

Deny, please -- OR suggest something else. " And expect a " good job " to

be expensive.

>

> You're probably right that I need to back off of thinking about

> this. My thoughts at to what I should do have gone back and forth

> like the tides the last few days.

>

>

" Like the tides... " is your best evidence you DO need to back off awhile.

Good luck.

- Bill, 75, AS; ...been there, done that ...sorta

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm