How to approach your partner?

[Guest guest]

I have a question to ask this group. How have NT's

approached their partner and suggested that they might

have AS? Or have some folks chosen not to say

anything? I've done a lot of reading and the

discussion in this group has been very helpful. I'm

quite sure he has AS, but I don't know if I should say

anything at all. I anticipate a strong negative

reaction and denial so have not said anything yet.

Thanks for your thoughts about this,

Pam

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[Guest guest]

Pam... it was very scary for me.... I ordered some books in the mail about AS and when they came, he asked what they were.  I told him they were books about Aspergers and I was trying to find out more about it because I thought he had it.  I said he was welcome to read the books and talk about it if he wanted.  He said ok and walked away.. He read the books over the course of about 6 weeks. finally I asked him what he thought at he said he thought he probably did fit the profile.  this was at least 6 months ago ... he never wanted to discuss it and I never pushed.. what is the point?   Good luck.  jkz still waiting but not holding my breath. I have a question to ask this group. How have NT'sapproached their partner and suggested that they mighthave AS? Or have some folks chosen not to sayanything? I've done a lot of reading and thediscussion in this group has been very helpful. I'mquite sure he has AS, but I don't know if I should sayanything at all. I anticipate a strong negativereaction and denial so have not said anything yet.Thanks for your thoughts about this,Pam __________________________________________________________Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page. http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Guest guest]

Janet Zimmerman wrote:

> Pam... it was very scary for me.... I ordered some books in the mail

> about AS and when they came, he asked what they were. I told him they

> were books about Aspergers and I was trying to find out more about it

> because I thought he had it. I said he was welcome to read the books

> and talk about it if he wanted. He said ok and walked away.. He read

> the books over the course of about 6 weeks. finally I asked him what he

> thought at he said he thought he probably did fit the profile. this was

> at least 6 months ago ... he never wanted to discuss it and I never

> pushed.. what is the point? Good luck. jkz still waiting but not

> holding my breath.

Seems to me he's done just what you wanted:

You bought the books and invited him to read them. He did read them.

You invited him to talk about it, *IF* he wanted. Must not have wanted?

You maybe wanted him to agree he " had " AS. He agreed.

You don't know he *never* wanted to discuss it. You never asked!

That is, you " never pushed " .

So how is he to know what you *really* want, if you don't tell him?

Why should he want to discuss a matter so unimportant to you that you

" never pushed " ?

I've changed the emPHASis on your syllABLes, hoping you'll see there

always are *two* ways to see a 2-party " social exchange " .

It's not necessary that one viewpoint always be wrong, or the other

always right. Sometimes BOTH are right.

>

>> I have a question to ask this group. How have NT's

>> approached their partner and suggested that they might

>> have AS? Or have some folks chosen not to say

>> anything? I've done a lot of reading and the

>> discussion in this group has been very helpful. I'm

>> quite sure he has AS, but I don't know if I should say

>> anything at all. I anticipate a strong negative

>> reaction and denial so have not said anything yet.

>> Thanks for your thoughts about this,

>> Pam

- Bill, 75, AS; ...40 years married to NT (2nd time around)

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

My ex-gf flat out did it last year. She wanted to tell me, but did

not know how I would react. I gave a strong negative response and

was in denial for a while. But I know I have AS and ADHD and

learning to adjust to having it. I will get at the point in my life

where I am as comfortable having it as someone who doesn't have AS.

I can only speak for what happened in my situation, and she convinced

me to mutually end the relationship. I did, because I knew I had a

lot to deal with in life and to make the most out of everything. I

am very hopeful that one day later in my life I will meet someone

incredibly special for me.

>

> I have a question to ask this group. How have NT's

> approached their partner and suggested that they might

> have AS? Or have some folks chosen not to say

> anything? I've done a lot of reading and the

> discussion in this group has been very helpful. I'm

> quite sure he has AS, but I don't know if I should say

> anything at all. I anticipate a strong negative

> reaction and denial so have not said anything yet.

> Thanks for your thoughts about this,

> Pam

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

[Guest guest]

Asking is not necessarily pushing. Asking becomes pushing if we don't accept the answer and turn to insist.

Jennie

[Guest guest]

Asking is not necessarily pushing. Asking becomes pushing if we don't accept the answer and turn to insist.

Jennie

[Guest guest]

srabande wrote:

>

> " Asking is not necessarily pushing. Asking becomes pushing if we don't

> accept the answer and turn to insist. "

>

> In my AS/NT relationship (and perhaps others) asking is pushing. If

> there is a topic I introduce that isn't on his radar, or not in an

> area he wants to know anything about, bringing up the subject in *any*

> manner is a recipe for an interpretation of: pushing.

>

> More importantly, almost all of the " no-fly " zones with my AS husband

> have to do with all the " need based " areas of my NT'ness.

>

> It's a mine field.

>

> Regards,

> Anita 55 NT

Freudian slip? The obvious pun almost is too good to pass up.

But I am passing. The *specific* pronominal reference *I'd* make

wouldn't be the one *you'd* make. I'm sure you'd agree.

- Bill, 75, AS

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Jennie Unknown wrote:

> Asking is not necessarily pushing. Asking becomes pushing if we don't

> accept the answer and turn to insist.

Heh. AMEN!

Loughman's Law (for marital happiness):

Don't fire the first shot.

Don't fire the second one either.

- Bill, 75, AS

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Janet Zimmerman wrote:

> I have a lot to learn about this.. when I ask him for something and he

> does not seem to have heard me.. no response... I ask again and then

> some. patience. jkz in a hurry

[

And earlier also wrote:

" I don't know why I am going into such detail here except to give an

example. He exhibits the same type of behavior in other arenas as well.

Turn signals, seat belts, hygeine, are issues that I deal with all

the time. I have tried ignoring but some things ou just can't.. And

for any NTs who are reading this, please don't suggest that I tell him

that if he loved me, he would make an effort to please me by changing

his behavior. He doesn't make the connection.

I am hoping that someday, I may feel confidant that I can communicate

with him without making him mad and frustrating myself even further. I

think a counselor would help but I am not aware of any in our area who

are knowledgeable about AS/NT issues. Thanks for pointing out the

obvious Bill. "

]

Here we come to the Really Tough Nut: What about those among us,

anti-social to the core, *rotten* to the core, for whose behavior there

simply IS NO SOLUTION? (I.e.: God answers all questions. Sometimes the

answer is NO, loudly.)

I believe, and it's part of *my* core, that most " difficult " marriages

can be turned around. But belief is one thing; reality is another.

I've seen your kind of intractable situation before. I've never seen

it end happily. Some marriages really do seem Made In Hell, NOT Heaven.

Janet, you have my heartfelt sympathy. I do fervently wish I knew how

to help you.

[Yes, guys and gals, some of us " do empathy " . No, it doesn't hurt.]

To my friends (en-snared like you), I've suggested this:

For *your* mental health and self-esteem, start now to put your " own

house " in order. If you finally " walk away " , WHEN you finally " walk " ,

at least you can hold *your* head up. Way up, secure in the knowledge

you did absolutely everything you could.

>

>> Jennie Unknown wrote:

>>> Asking is not necessarily pushing. Asking becomes pushing if we don't

>>> accept the answer and turn to insist.

>>

>> Heh. AMEN!

>>

>> Loughman's Law (for marital happiness):

>>

>> Don't fire the first shot.

>> Don't fire the second one either.

- Bill, 75, AS

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Don't fire the first shot.Don't fire the second one either.Bill, I am going to pick on you here... this statement you offer as a 'Law for marital happiness' strikes me (I chose the verb carefully) as clearly demonstrating a common  AS attitude ... towards other people.   Can you guess what I might be referring to ?   jkz still wonderingI have a lot to learn about this.. when I ask him for something and he does not seem to have heard me.. no response... I ask again and then some.  patience.  jkz in a hurry Jennie Unknown wrote:> Asking is not necessarily pushing. Asking becomes pushing if we don't > accept the answer and turn to insist. Heh. AMEN!Loughman's Law (for marital happiness):Don't fire the first shot.Don't fire the second one either.- Bill, 75, AS-- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USAhttp://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

thanks for trying Bill, you really are helping me even if I get a little annoyed sometimes, I am appreciating your efforts and I urge others who are reading to PAY ATTENTION. He is not ROTTEN  TO  THE CORE.  Just a stubborn crusty weird old fart.   I am not walking anywhere just yet.  I do love him...just don't know if I can live with him... jkz open to change Janet Zimmerman wrote:> I have a lot to learn about this.. when I ask him for something and he > does not seem to have heard me.. no response... I ask again and then > some. patience. jkz in a hurry[And earlier also wrote:"I don't know why I am going into such detail here except to give an example. He exhibits the same type of behavior in other arenas as well. Turn signals, seat belts, hygeine, are issues that I deal with all the time. I have tried ignoring but some things ou just can't.. And for any NTs who are reading this, please don't suggest that I tell him that if he loved me, he would make an effort to please me by changing his behavior. He doesn't make the connection.I am hoping that someday, I may feel confidant that I can communicate with him without making him mad and frustrating myself even further. I think a counselor would help but I am not aware of any in our area who are knowledgeable about AS/NT issues. Thanks for pointing out the obvious Bill."]Here we come to the Really Tough Nut: What about those among us, anti-social to the core, *rotten* to the core, for whose behavior there simply IS NO SOLUTION? (I.e.: God answers all questions. Sometimes the answer is NO, loudly.)I believe, and it's part of *my* core, that most "difficult" marriages can be turned around. But belief is one thing; reality is another.I've seen your kind of intractable situation before. I've never seen it end happily. Some marriages really do seem Made In Hell, NOT Heaven.Janet, you have my heartfelt sympathy. I do fervently wish I knew how to help you.[Yes, guys and gals, some of us "do empathy". No, it doesn't hurt.]To my friends (en-snared like you), I've suggested this:For *your* mental health and self-esteem, start now to put your "own house" in order. If you finally "walk away", WHEN you finally "walk", at least you can hold *your* head up. Way up, secure in the knowledge you did absolutely everything you could.> >> Jennie Unknown wrote:>>> Asking is not necessarily pushing. Asking becomes pushing if we don't >>> accept the answer and turn to insist. >>>> Heh. AMEN!>>>> Loughman's Law (for marital happiness):>>>> Don't fire the first shot.>> Don't fire the second one either.- Bill, 75, AS-- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USAhttp://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Bill, I don't see things in such a black/white manner.. he is not rotten to tthe core.  Just a stubborn old fart.   Put AS in there somewhere.   I do love him in my own way.   I just don't know if I can live with him ... Jkz appreciating your feedback... Janet Zimmerman wrote:> I have a lot to learn about this.. when I ask him for something and he > does not seem to have heard me.. no response... I ask again and then > some. patience. jkz in a hurry[And earlier also wrote:"I don't know why I am going into such detail here except to give an example. He exhibits the same type of behavior in other arenas as well. Turn signals, seat belts, hygeine, are issues that I deal with all the time. I have tried ignoring but some things ou just can't.. And for any NTs who are reading this, please don't suggest that I tell him that if he loved me, he would make an effort to please me by changing his behavior. He doesn't make the connection.I am hoping that someday, I may feel confidant that I can communicate with him without making him mad and frustrating myself even further. I think a counselor would help but I am not aware of any in our area who are knowledgeable about AS/NT issues. Thanks for pointing out the obvious Bill."]Here we come to the Really Tough Nut: What about those among us, anti-social to the core, *rotten* to the core, for whose behavior there simply IS NO SOLUTION? (I.e.: God answers all questions. Sometimes the answer is NO, loudly.)I believe, and it's part of *my* core, that most "difficult" marriages can be turned around. But belief is one thing; reality is another.I've seen your kind of intractable situation before. I've never seen it end happily. Some marriages really do seem Made In Hell, NOT Heaven.Janet, you have my heartfelt sympathy. I do fervently wish I knew how to help you.[Yes, guys and gals, some of us "do empathy". No, it doesn't hurt.]To my friends (en-snared like you), I've suggested this:For *your* mental health and self-esteem, start now to put your "own house" in order. If you finally "walk away", WHEN you finally "walk", at least you can hold *your* head up. Way up, secure in the knowledge you did absolutely everything you could.> >> Jennie Unknown wrote:>>> Asking is not necessarily pushing. Asking becomes pushing if we don't >>> accept the answer and turn to insist. >>>> Heh. AMEN!>>>> Loughman's Law (for marital happiness):>>>> Don't fire the first shot.>> Don't fire the second one either.- Bill, 75, AS-- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USAhttp://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

> > Asking is not necessarily pushing. Asking becomes pushing if we don't > > accept the answer and turn to insist. > > Heh. AMEN!> > Loughman's Law (for marital happiness):> > Don't fire the first shot.> Don't fire the second one either.> > - Bill, 75, AS> > -- > WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USA> http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htmAnita Writes:Ack! If we do this sort of thing, NOTHING good can come of it.Anita's Law (for marital happiness) is...Statement: "there is something VERY wrong with our marriage, I've read a book, it describes something called Asperger's Syndrome, I think you might have it."Response: "I know we haven't been happy, I'll read the book as well and maybe we can use it as a stepping stone to finding out what might be wrong."If this is simply about acceptance that the answer could "no"....one HAS to ask how far gone an individual can be to say "no" in the above exchange. THEN the acceptance is on the part of the NT to ACCEPT their significant other is indeed, that far gone.Nope...no good can come of these marital LAWS.Regards,Anita NT

[Guest guest]

srabande, who wears the pants?

[Guest guest]

Janet Zimmerman wrote:

>>>

>>> Don't fire the first shot.

>>> Don't fire the second one either.

>

>

> Bill, I am going to pick on you here... this statement you offer as a

> 'Law for marital happiness' strikes me (I chose the verb carefully) as

> clearly demonstrating a common AS attitude ... towards other people.

> Can you guess what I might be referring to ? jkz still wondering

Sure. But what's the point? Loughman's Laws are a *very general*

prescription for avoiding conflict. It's nothing to do specifically

with AS. Would that it did; but it doesn't.

Nor is it " Loughman's " , either. I picked that up lo-o-ong ago from

I-know-not-where. If I'd known the source, I'd have titled it

differently. " Anon's Law " didn't seem right.

- Bill, 75, AS

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Janet Zimmerman wrote:

> thanks for trying Bill, you really are helping me even if I get a little

> annoyed sometimes, I am appreciating your efforts and I urge others who

> are reading to PAY ATTENTION.

>

> He is not ROTTEN TO THE CORE.

Oh lordy-me. I thought, too late, " That one's coming back at me... "

My reference was *not* to your husband; it was meant very generically.

There *are* " problem cases " in Society As A Whole; therefore also in

some marriages.

There are people for whom no amount of attention, no amount of

" rehabilitation " , does a damn' thing. Ever.

What *do* you do with the brutal serial killer, caught and jailed

numberless times, who escapes - only to kill again. And again, and ...

That's a real case. The real prison was Atascadero State Hospital

(used to be also: " for the criminally insane " ), a MAXimum security place

not far from Berkeley (my home). The guy was the most accomplished

escape artist the prison system had ever seen. And each escape meant

yet another innocent death. " The System " about went bananas over him.

Public sentiment was pretty much " shoot the bastard " . But, y'know,

insane? We don't execute crazies.

That would have made my point, rather forcefully. But I forbore. Opted

for something less loaded. I thought. Apologies to your husband.

> Just a stubborn crusty weird old fart.

You called?

> I am not walking anywhere just yet.

Good. Paraphrasing a TV ad: " A marriage is a terrible thing to waste. "

> I do love him...just don't know

> if I can live with him... jkz open to change

>

>

>> Janet Zimmerman wrote:

[ snip ]

In response to Bill's:

>> Here we come to the Really Tough Nut: What about those among us,

>> anti-social to the core, *rotten* to the core, for whose behavior there

>> simply IS NO SOLUTION? (I.e.: God answers all questions. Sometimes the

>> answer is NO, loudly.)

[ snip ]

- Bill, 75, AS; ...crusty?!

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Avoiding conflict? There's no way that people can avoid conflict.

Conflict is inevitable, and even I know that. It's about finding

ways that involve conflict resolution.

> >>>

> >>> Don't fire the first shot.

> >>> Don't fire the second one either.

> >

> >

> > Bill, I am going to pick on you here... this statement you offer

as a

> > 'Law for marital happiness' strikes me (I chose the verb

carefully) as

> > clearly demonstrating a common AS attitude ... towards other

people.

> > Can you guess what I might be referring to ? jkz still wondering

>

> Sure. But what's the point? Loughman's Laws are a *very general*

> prescription for avoiding conflict. It's nothing to do

specifically

> with AS. Would that it did; but it doesn't.

>

> Nor is it " Loughman's " , either. I picked that up lo-o-ong ago from

> I-know-not-where. If I'd known the source, I'd have titled it

> differently. " Anon's Law " didn't seem right.

>

> - Bill, 75, AS

>

> --

> WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

> http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

>

[Guest guest]

wrote:

> Avoiding conflict? There's no way that people can avoid conflict.

> Conflict is inevitable, and even I know that. It's about finding

> ways that involve conflict resolution.

And if " the first shot " *doesn't* miss? And the second doesn't either?

That's a pretty permanent kind of " conflict resolution " .

But you're thinking; that's good, *and* what it's all about.

'sfunny: An ASPIRES-generation or so back, readers here very well

understood the meaning of the " Laws " . What's different now, I wonder?

>

>

>

>

[ snip ]

>>>>>Don't fire the first shot.

>>>>>Don't fire the second one either.

- Bill, 75, AS; ...puzzled. Maybe.

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm