Re: A Fork in the Road

[Guest guest]

I'm just catching up on postings as Ian is going through a series of anxieties right now and I am having to manage the day to day keeping of the peace, as his rage attacks are daily at present. Ironically, this means I dont have time to seek support from Aspires. Ian did get immense relief from knowing he was an Aspie, but the bit about then getting books and reading them, and then looking for the best way to get support, stopped dead for him as once he knew that he had Aspergers and that was that. He didnt wish to alleviate any of the challenging parts of his behaviour or get any support for making his own life easier, let alone mine. What reading those books did for me, was to help me to devise various techniques for dealing with meltdowns (we cleared an area we call the pacing and muttering corridor, and make a room where he goes to have a meltdown = the rage room). I also learned about

the need for him to eat regularly and have an uncluttered life. Ian sometimes (like at the moment) sees his Aspie'ness as reason for retreating into his world and letting me deal with the big issues in life. I am having a bad time at work and this is what is making him anxious - he cant deal with my having problems. So for me, the 'AS hears the words but isnt interested in pursueing the matter' is the crux - Ian is happy to know what makes him tick, happy to let others know - but thats the be all and end all. Its whether I choose to accept that and take the brunt of what the world has to offer, for the both of us, that gets me down from time to time - he can be very childlike and thats hard when the gas bill is overdue or when you are worried about money. And he will never be able to see that. I say he is like an ostrich with his head buried in the sand when all else goes awry! NT partners come

to this support group because we need to let off steam and understand our AS partners a bit better. And the cardinal sin for any couple is to try and manipulate the other. However the Catch 22 is that with our kind of couples, you can never have the reciprocity that you may have with other couples. If you accept that and allow for it, then, through gritted teeth, you can manage a loving relationship. However, if you find out about AS late in the day, and there is a family that needs support, my heart goes out to those who struggle to adapt themselves to the AS way because there is no chance of change, only acceptance? Judy B, Scotland srabande wrote: I think this is a great example of how an NT attempts to word the same question 50 different ways in order for the answers to be germane to the question.Non-threating dialogue is the mainstay of *every* relationship, IMO. (Well, every successful relationship.) However, this discussion topic began with some very, very clear statements by Janet regarding a potential diagnosis of AS in her husband and how she is still waiting for him to discuss some books with her and perhaps understand that AS could be the reason for their troubles. The inaction of AS, I believe, is something *every* NT on the list can relate to. Please understand, the disposition of these

books and the information therein has been dormant for months.Perhaps I'm the only one who feels this way...but a discussion regarding how to make sure all of the questions asked of an AS are uncharged, non-threatening, not phrased as "why" and some other suggestions sort of makes me feel like a dancing bear at a circus performance.I'll keep it REALLY short:-NT wife feels there is something very wrong in relationship-NT wife does some research and find her husband could be AS-NT wife purchases some books on AS-AS husband sees the books...inquires about them-NT wife explains that she purchased them because she feels he is AS-NT wife invites potentially AS husband to read the booksAssumptions: NT wife is able to determine that marriage is in trouble. NT wife also feels husband may have a neurological situation that could be a major contributing factor to troubled marriage. NT wife investigates and

discovers some very relative information. NT wife has a sense of urgency because she would probably like professional direction and guidance.Assumption: AS husband seems to have no idea that marriage is in trouble. AS husband *hears* the words "AS" but isn't interested enough in pursuing the matter?Question: Do AS have cognition of marital problems and is their participation usually this difficult to obtain?Regards,Anita 55NT

[Guest guest]

Good to hear from you Judy... would he come to the asprires group?   jkzI'm just catching up on postings as Ian is going through a series of anxieties right now and I am having to manage the day to day keeping of the peace, as his rage attacks are daily at present.  Ironically, this means I dont have time to seek support from Aspires. Ian did get immense relief from knowing he was an Aspie, but the bit about then getting books and reading them, and then looking for the best way to get support, stopped dead for him as once he knew that he had Aspergers and that was that. He didnt wish to alleviate any of the challenging parts of his behaviour or get any support for making his own life easier, let alone mine. What reading those books did for me, was to help me to devise various techniques for dealing with meltdowns (we cleared an area we call the pacing  and muttering corridor, and make a room where he goes to have a meltdown = the rage room). I also learned about the need for him to eat regularly and have an uncluttered life. Ian sometimes (like at the moment) sees his Aspie'ness as reason for retreating into his world and letting me deal with the big issues in life. I am having a bad time at work and this is what is making him anxious - he cant deal with my having problems. So for me, the 'AS hears the words but isnt interested in pursueing the matter' is the crux - Ian is happy to know what makes him tick, happy to let others know - but thats the be all and end all. Its whether I choose to accept that and take the brunt of what the world has to offer, for the both of us, that gets me down from time to time - he can be very childlike and thats hard when the gas bill is overdue or when you are worried about money. And he will never be able to see that. I say he is like an ostrich with his head buried in the sand when all else goes awry! NT partners come to this support group because we need to let off steam and understand our AS partners a bit better. And the cardinal sin for any couple is to try and manipulate the other. However the Catch 22 is that with our kind of couples, you can never have the reciprocity that you may have with other couples.  If you accept that and allow for it, then, through gritted teeth, you can manage a loving relationship.  However, if you find out about AS late in the day, and there is a family that needs support, my heart goes out to those who struggle to adapt themselves to the AS way because there is no chance of change, only acceptance?Judy B, Scotland   srabande <SRABANDEaol> wrote:I think this is a great example of how an NT attempts to word the same question 50 different ways in order for the answers to be germane to the question.Non-threating dialogue is the mainstay of *every* relationship, IMO.  (Well, every successful relationship.)  However, this discussion topic began with some very, very clear statements by Janet regarding a potential diagnosis of AS in her husband and how she is still waiting for him to discuss some books with her and perhaps understand that AS could be the reason for their troubles.   The inaction of AS, I believe, is something *every* NT on the list can relate to.  Please understand,  the disposition of these books and the information therein has been dormant for months.Perhaps I'm the only one who feels this way...but a discussion regarding how to make sure all of the questions asked of an AS are uncharged, non-threatening, not phrased as "why" and some other suggestions sort of makes me feel like a dancing bear at a circus performance.I'll keep it REALLY short:-NT wife feels there is something very wrong in relationship-NT wife does some research and find her husband could be AS-NT wife purchases some books on AS-AS husband sees the books...inquires about them-NT wife explains that she purchased them because she feels he is AS-NT wife invites potentially AS husband to read the booksAssumptions:  NT wife is able to determine that marriage is in trouble.  NT wife also feels husband may have a neurological situation that could be a major contributing factor to troubled marriage.  NT wife investigates and discovers some very relative information.  NT wife has a sense of urgency because she would probably like professional direction and guidance.Assumption:  AS husband seems to have no idea that marriage is in trouble.  AS husband *hears* the words "AS" but isn't interested enough in pursuing the matter?Question:  Do AS have cognition of marital problems and is their participation usually this difficult to obtain?Regards,Anita 55NT