new to the group, intro and questions sorry if long winded

[Guest guest]

My name is Kian and I am a 32 year old married for 11 yrs. mom to

4 kids. 8 yr old girl who is high functioning autistic, ADHA, OCD,

with as they are calling it now a generalized mood disorder. A 6 yr

old girl ,4 year old boy who has ghost symptoms but no diagnoses, and

a 21 month old girl. My husband has also been diagnosed through the

process of getting my oldest tested. Which cleared up so many things

and helped me understand him in a lot of ways. Yet there are still so

many things or quirks that are very hard to work around . Both my

daughter and my husband are extremely smart, very literal,can be very

affectionate on their terms. Which can make for some confusing

interactions till you get that. They are very blunt and honest almost

to the point of rudeness. I know everyone here is all to familiar with

these things these are fairly common across the board from what I

gather. They have a very hard time taking ownership of anything. If

Bri gets in trouble for something at school or at home it is always

someone else's fault. They tend to project their feelings onto someone

else. For ex if my husband is getting frustrated and beginning to talk

short and rude he will start saying you do not have to be so

frustrated to me. He also has trouble if I talk to him if I am showing

any emotion other then happy. If I am tired , sick, sad, he interprets

it all as mad or irritated at him. He also thinks I am talking in a

nasty tone when my voice displays any emotion that is out of the norm.

Now if I am crying he is ok with that he can understand that.This is

very hard and frustrating to live with and raise 4 kids with. I am

open to any suggestions to help me cope and handle my own needs about

this. I have no family or close friends that would understand. Jim has

offended all my friends. Now he does have friends from work and is

funny, sweet,very hard working and great at his very complex math

based problem solving job. But he does not do things with his friends

or anything like that occasionally for a quick outing if asked.

My husband and daughter struggle with anger so much. It is as if

they are always at war with themselves and it is so sad to watch at

times. They stay in a constant state of frustration. My daughter is on

zoloft and that has helped in many ways but her impulse control has

been going way down we see her specialist on Mon. Jim is on nothing

they had tried a few meds and it caused very severe and almost tragic

side effects. My daughter for the most part is happy, mad. sad all at

once always. When Jim was growing up and until he met me he admits and

pictures seem to prove. He was just sad and mad. There is not one

single picture of Jim with a smile until we met. (not taking credit or

tooting my own horn or anything) I just feel so bad that he suffered

for so long. I am at times very lonely cause he is so limited in how

he can be there for me. He has been verbally abusive to me in the past

before we had kids.I have thought about leaving so many times I

couldn't count. But I love him so much and I honestly know there isn't

a person who could love me or be more devoted to me even if it isn't

always shown. Does that even make sense? I mainly joined this group

for support and advice ideas anything. I want to help them deal with

their anger and gain some control so they do not always feel like they

are holding onto themselves . I want to learn how to better speak to

them with out setting off their " this isn't good radar " Thanks for

your time Kian

[Guest guest]

Hi Kian, Welcome to the group. I think you came to the right spot. I just joined myself a couple weeks ago and I have such wonderful,caring, supportive contacts in our same situation. The stories are slightly different in some way but the AS behaviors are very easy to identify., I have only share my husbands diagnosed with a few people normally the people he has insulted or been rude to. I just told a very good friend of our about the AS and she said she just thought he was being "Curt" with a dry sense of humor. My husband also was on medication but weaned himself off which he seems to be doing ok right know and in the past I have been able to notice a personality change when he went off the medication. But I can honestly say he's been doing ok but he also has been reading alot about stress reduction, relaxation and personality books. He knows he was diagnosed but doesn't think he is AS. He thinks his issues are because he is type four personality.

He's trying so if this helps him so be it....I understand the loniless but I don't think you will feel that way here. To be honest with you after my first week here I felt a huge weight lifted just by the responses of others saying "Oh my gosh that exactly how I feel and what my spouse does" and the validation is very calming at least that is how I felt. So welcome. Vent, read and enjoy the comfort I think you will find here...... scrapxs4 wrote: My name is Kian and I am a 32 year old married for 11 yrs. mom to4 kids. 8 yr old girl who is high functioning autistic, ADHA, OCD,with as they are calling it now a generalized mood disorder. A 6 yrold girl ,4 year old boy who has ghost symptoms but no diagnoses, anda 21 month old girl. My husband has also been diagnosed through theprocess of getting my oldest tested. Which cleared up so many thingsand helped me understand him in a lot of ways. Yet there are still somany things or quirks that are very hard to work around . Both mydaughter and my husband are extremely smart, very literal,can be veryaffectionate on their terms. Which can make for some confusing interactions till you get that. They are very blunt and honest almostto the point of rudeness. I know everyone here is all to familiar withthese things these are fairly common across the board from what Igather. They have a very hard time taking ownership of

anything. IfBri gets in trouble for something at school or at home it is alwayssomeone else's fault. They tend to project their feelings onto someoneelse. For ex if my husband is getting frustrated and beginning to talkshort and rude he will start saying you do not have to be sofrustrated to me. He also has trouble if I talk to him if I am showingany emotion other then happy. If I am tired , sick, sad, he interpretsit all as mad or irritated at him. He also thinks I am talking in anasty tone when my voice displays any emotion that is out of the norm.Now if I am crying he is ok with that he can understand that.This isvery hard and frustrating to live with and raise 4 kids with. I amopen to any suggestions to help me cope and handle my own needs aboutthis. I have no family or close friends that would understand. Jim hasoffended all my friends. Now he does have friends from work and isfunny, sweet,very hard working and

great at his very complex mathbased problem solving job. But he does not do things with his friendsor anything like that occasionally for a quick outing if asked.My husband and daughter struggle with anger so much. It is as ifthey are always at war with themselves and it is so sad to watch attimes. They stay in a constant state of frustration. My daughter is onzoloft and that has helped in many ways but her impulse control hasbeen going way down we see her specialist on Mon. Jim is on nothingthey had tried a few meds and it caused very severe and almost tragicside effects. My daughter for the most part is happy, mad. sad all atonce always. When Jim was growing up and until he met me he admits andpictures seem to prove. He was just sad and mad. There is not onesingle picture of Jim with a smile until we met. (not taking credit ortooting my own horn or anything) I just feel so bad that he sufferedfor so long. I am at

times very lonely cause he is so limited in howhe can be there for me. He has been verbally abusive to me in the pastbefore we had kids.I have thought about leaving so many times Icouldn't count. But I love him so much and I honestly know there isn'ta person who could love me or be more devoted to me even if it isn'talways shown. Does that even make sense? I mainly joined this groupfor support and advice ideas anything. I want to help them deal withtheir anger and gain some control so they do not always feel like theyare holding onto themselves . I want to learn how to better speak tothem with out setting off their " this isn't good radar" Thanks foryour time Kian

[Guest guest]

--- Hie Kian;

I must say for a 32 year old mom of 4 you are extremely articulate as

well as compassionate. I commend your for reaching out in search of

answers to help you manage your household with its many challenges.

Please continue to seek out support and validation for your

observations and don't blame yourself for those things you have no

control over. I share some of your experiences in that I have a few

children who, like Dad, have high academic ability , are literal and

have little tolerance for noise, clutter, lights etc. unless it's

their own. Blunt and defensive are also accurate descriptions of how

they handle those around them. My youngest, 7, is like Dad, very

bright, literal and has poor impulse control. I am now finding by

his watching her " lose it " so often , he has begun " coaching " her

through her melt downs. I find those moments go better when I step

back and " risk " letting the truth surface. When I step in too fast to

block the hurt-I end up getting blamed and hurt. It is difficult when

you have all small children because as their Mom you have to protect

them from harming each other as well as themselves. It took years for

my husband to begin see glimpes of himself and the youngest child

seems to be the one to get the immediate benefit. He too saw everyone

else as the fault as do all of my children with these tendancies.

I pray you are able to hold on-it can get better. I have actually

witnessed change and growth in these individuals. It is truly amazing

to see someone who was full of rage and blame grow to be someone

engaged in conscious reflection and self correction. To see them

actually accept criticism , engage in a conversation with give and

take, listen while others dominate. They now are often able to

mentally talk themselves down from overload before they melt down.

These are miraculous changes. I can truly understand your constant

frustration and at times feelings of hopelessness. Know that you can

model good behavior but you can make anyone change. Maturity and the

" lumps " of life will force all of us to change one way or the other.

Finally, I have found my strength in God. I believe that God put

these challenges in my life to teach me to rely on him. I pray you

will too.

Houris

In aspires-relationships , " scrapxs4 " wrote:

>

> My name is Kian and I am a 32 year old married for 11 yrs. mom to

> 4 kids. 8 yr old girl who is high functioning autistic, ADHA, OCD,

> with as they are calling it now a generalized mood disorder. A 6 yr

> old girl ,4 year old boy who has ghost symptoms but no diagnoses, and

> a 21 month old girl. My husband has also been diagnosed through the

> process of getting my oldest tested. Which cleared up so many things

> and helped me understand him in a lot of ways. Yet there are still so

> many things or quirks that are very hard to work around . Both my

> daughter and my husband are extremely smart, very literal,can be very

> affectionate on their terms. Which can make for some confusing

> interactions till you get that. They are very blunt and honest almost

> to the point of rudeness. I know everyone here is all to familiar with

> these things these are fairly common across the board from what I

> gather. They have a very hard time taking ownership of anything. If

> Bri gets in trouble for something at school or at home it is always

> someone else's fault. They tend to project their feelings onto someone

> else. For ex if my husband is getting frustrated and beginning to talk

> short and rude he will start saying you do not have to be so

> frustrated to me. He also has trouble if I talk to him if I am showing

> any emotion other then happy. If I am tired , sick, sad, he interprets

> it all as mad or irritated at him. He also thinks I am talking in a

> nasty tone when my voice displays any emotion that is out of the norm.

> Now if I am crying he is ok with that he can understand that.This is

> very hard and frustrating to live with and raise 4 kids with. I am

> open to any suggestions to help me cope and handle my own needs about

> this. I have no family or close friends that would understand. Jim has

> offended all my friends. Now he does have friends from work and is

> funny, sweet,very hard working and great at his very complex math

> based problem solving job. But he does not do things with his friends

> or anything like that occasionally for a quick outing if asked.

> My husband and daughter struggle with anger so much. It is as if

> they are always at war with themselves and it is so sad to watch at

> times. They stay in a constant state of frustration. My daughter is on

> zoloft and that has helped in many ways but her impulse control has

> been going way down we see her specialist on Mon. Jim is on nothing

> they had tried a few meds and it caused very severe and almost tragic

> side effects. My daughter for the most part is happy, mad. sad all at

> once always. When Jim was growing up and until he met me he admits and

> pictures seem to prove. He was just sad and mad. There is not one

> single picture of Jim with a smile until we met. (not taking credit or

> tooting my own horn or anything) I just feel so bad that he suffered

> for so long. I am at times very lonely cause he is so limited in how

> he can be there for me. He has been verbally abusive to me in the past

> before we had kids.I have thought about leaving so many times I

> couldn't count. But I love him so much and I honestly know there isn't

> a person who could love me or be more devoted to me even if it isn't

> always shown. Does that even make sense? I mainly joined this group

> for support and advice ideas anything. I want to help them deal with

> their anger and gain some control so they do not always feel like they

> are holding onto themselves . I want to learn how to better speak to

> them with out setting off their " this isn't good radar " Thanks for

> your time Kian

>

[Guest guest]

--- Hie Kian;

I must say for a 32 year old mom of 4 you are extremely articulate as

well as compassionate. I commend your for reaching out in search of

answers to help you manage your household with its many challenges.

Please continue to seek out support and validation for your

observations and don't blame yourself for those things you have no

control over. I share some of your experiences in that I have a few

children who, like Dad, have high academic ability , are literal and

have little tolerance for noise, clutter, lights etc. unless it's

their own. Blunt and defensive are also accurate descriptions of how

they handle those around them. My youngest, 7, is like Dad, very

bright, literal and has poor impulse control. I am now finding by

his watching her " lose it " so often , he has begun " coaching " her

through her melt downs. I find those moments go better when I step

back and " risk " letting the truth surface. When I step in too fast to

block the hurt-I end up getting blamed and hurt. It is difficult when

you have all small children because as their Mom you have to protect

them from harming each other as well as themselves. It took years for

my husband to begin see glimpes of himself and the youngest child

seems to be the one to get the immediate benefit. He too saw everyone

else as the fault as do all of my children with these tendancies.

I pray you are able to hold on-it can get better. I have actually

witnessed change and growth in these individuals. It is truly amazing

to see someone who was full of rage and blame grow to be someone

engaged in conscious reflection and self correction. To see them

actually accept criticism , engage in a conversation with give and

take, listen while others dominate. They now are often able to

mentally talk themselves down from overload before they melt down.

These are miraculous changes. I can truly understand your constant

frustration and at times feelings of hopelessness. Know that you can

model good behavior but you can make anyone change. Maturity and the

" lumps " of life will force all of us to change one way or the other.

Finally, I have found my strength in God. I believe that God put

these challenges in my life to teach me to rely on him. I pray you

will too.

Houris

In aspires-relationships , " scrapxs4 " wrote:

>

> My name is Kian and I am a 32 year old married for 11 yrs. mom to

> 4 kids. 8 yr old girl who is high functioning autistic, ADHA, OCD,

> with as they are calling it now a generalized mood disorder. A 6 yr

> old girl ,4 year old boy who has ghost symptoms but no diagnoses, and

> a 21 month old girl. My husband has also been diagnosed through the

> process of getting my oldest tested. Which cleared up so many things

> and helped me understand him in a lot of ways. Yet there are still so

> many things or quirks that are very hard to work around . Both my

> daughter and my husband are extremely smart, very literal,can be very

> affectionate on their terms. Which can make for some confusing

> interactions till you get that. They are very blunt and honest almost

> to the point of rudeness. I know everyone here is all to familiar with

> these things these are fairly common across the board from what I

> gather. They have a very hard time taking ownership of anything. If

> Bri gets in trouble for something at school or at home it is always

> someone else's fault. They tend to project their feelings onto someone

> else. For ex if my husband is getting frustrated and beginning to talk

> short and rude he will start saying you do not have to be so

> frustrated to me. He also has trouble if I talk to him if I am showing

> any emotion other then happy. If I am tired , sick, sad, he interprets

> it all as mad or irritated at him. He also thinks I am talking in a

> nasty tone when my voice displays any emotion that is out of the norm.

> Now if I am crying he is ok with that he can understand that.This is

> very hard and frustrating to live with and raise 4 kids with. I am

> open to any suggestions to help me cope and handle my own needs about

> this. I have no family or close friends that would understand. Jim has

> offended all my friends. Now he does have friends from work and is

> funny, sweet,very hard working and great at his very complex math

> based problem solving job. But he does not do things with his friends

> or anything like that occasionally for a quick outing if asked.

> My husband and daughter struggle with anger so much. It is as if

> they are always at war with themselves and it is so sad to watch at

> times. They stay in a constant state of frustration. My daughter is on

> zoloft and that has helped in many ways but her impulse control has

> been going way down we see her specialist on Mon. Jim is on nothing

> they had tried a few meds and it caused very severe and almost tragic

> side effects. My daughter for the most part is happy, mad. sad all at

> once always. When Jim was growing up and until he met me he admits and

> pictures seem to prove. He was just sad and mad. There is not one

> single picture of Jim with a smile until we met. (not taking credit or

> tooting my own horn or anything) I just feel so bad that he suffered

> for so long. I am at times very lonely cause he is so limited in how

> he can be there for me. He has been verbally abusive to me in the past

> before we had kids.I have thought about leaving so many times I

> couldn't count. But I love him so much and I honestly know there isn't

> a person who could love me or be more devoted to me even if it isn't

> always shown. Does that even make sense? I mainly joined this group

> for support and advice ideas anything. I want to help them deal with

> their anger and gain some control so they do not always feel like they

> are holding onto themselves . I want to learn how to better speak to

> them with out setting off their " this isn't good radar " Thanks for

> your time Kian

>

[Guest guest]

oh my that is so true!!! I listen to him recap all the wonderful things he did through the day and how everyone thinks he is a a wonder and saves the day on the job daily. ( all very true he really is) But if I start to say something he either would turn on the tv , or walk out the room or cut me off to start a new subject. OH MY GOD I AM NOT ALONE AND HE ISN'T A BAD PERSON. I am not crazy to be here. I can not tell you how good this feels. Thanks. Now he has been really trying as of late we had a serious melt down of sorts on x-mas eve it was the worst. So he has resolved to make things better. Now he still has his moments when the battle consumes him but over all he is listening more. watching tv

less. He is also being more involved with the kids especially sharing his feelings growing up with our oldest so she knows she isn't alone. Now some of you have mentioned the OCD parts my loved ones are as well but they are slobs yet they are set off by messes. They are overwhelmed when things are out of place and can not find things when(ever) yet they NEVER put things away, remember where they left things or had something. No wonder they are always mad. I also read a post where someone mentioned the need for constant praise and conformation of a loved ones love. I deal with this so much. My husband needs praise like a junkie yet giving it is like pulling teeth. When he really tries I will get a your looking good or your hot. You do keep the house clean or even you a good mom. I am lucky if I get eye contact. I do usually get a hug with it though. If I am busy doing something and say dismiss hug or quick shoulder rub this makes

him so mad. So I now stop what ever I am doing and let him show his affection even if it means the kids have to wait a few .I do admit I struggle with this especially in the evening ,in the kitchen when I am doing a lot of things so I can sit down after I get the kids to bed and him taken care of. Kian Re: new to the group, intro and questions sorry if long winded

Welcome Kian. Like you and , I am an NT married to an AS.

I could relate to what you said. You are not alone. I also just

joined a few days ago. Besides just sharing my experiences, I am

learning some new strategies. Because your husband was diagnosed,

you might be able to guide him into taking some ownership and

responsibility for some of his behaviors that are causing problems.

From what I have learned here, an AS can change some of their

problematic behaviors. It is hard for them to do because it requires

them to get out of their comfort zone and to consider someone else's

feelings rather than their own. As I was typing this, my husband

came in and began one of his usual conversations with

me......lol. ...about what he was going to do today. When he was

finished, I began telling him about something I was planning to do

today. He walked away in mid-sentence because it had nothing to do

with him. I let it go, but maybe I shouldn't have.

Verleen

>

> My name is Kian and I am a 32 year old married for 11 yrs. mom to

> 4 kids. 8 yr old girl who is high functioning autistic, ADHA, OCD,

> with as they are calling it now a generalized mood disorder. A 6 yr

> old girl ,4 year old boy who has ghost symptoms but no diagnoses, and

> a 21 month old girl. My husband has also been diagnosed through the

> process of getting my oldest tested. Which cleared up so many things

> and helped me understand him in a lot of ways. Yet there are still so

> many things or quirks that are very hard to work around . Both my

> daughter and my husband are extremely smart, very literal,can be very

> affectionate on their terms. Which can make for some confusing

> interactions till you get that. They are very blunt and honest almost

> to the point of rudeness. I know everyone here is all to familiar with

> these things these are fairly common across the board from what I

> gather. They have a very hard time taking ownership of anything. If

> Bri gets in trouble for something at school or at home it is always

> someone else's fault. They tend to project their feelings onto someone

> else. For ex if my husband is getting frustrated and beginning to talk

> short and rude he will start saying you do not have to be so

> frustrated to me. He also has trouble if I talk to him if I am showing

> any emotion other then happy. If I am tired , sick, sad, he interprets

> it all as mad or irritated at him. He also thinks I am talking in a

> nasty tone when my voice displays any emotion that is out of the norm.

> Now if I am crying he is ok with that he can understand that.This is

> very hard and frustrating to live with and raise 4 kids with. I am

> open to any suggestions to help me cope and handle my own needs about

> this. I have no family or close friends that would understand. Jim has

> offended all my friends. Now he does have friends from work and is

> funny, sweet,very hard working and great at his very complex math

> based problem solving job. But he does not do things with his friends

> or anything like that occasionally for a quick outing if asked.

> My husband and daughter struggle with anger so much. It is as if

> they are always at war with themselves and it is so sad to watch at

> times. They stay in a constant state of frustration. My daughter is on

> zoloft and that has helped in many ways but her impulse control has

> been going way down we see her specialist on Mon. Jim is on nothing

> they had tried a few meds and it caused very severe and almost tragic

> side effects. My daughter for the most part is happy, mad. sad all at

> once always. When Jim was growing up and until he met me he admits and

> pictures seem to prove. He was just sad and mad. There is not one

> single picture of Jim with a smile until we met. (not taking credit or

> tooting my own horn or anything) I just feel so bad that he suffered

> for so long. I am at times very lonely cause he is so limited in how

> he can be there for me. He has been verbally abusive to me in the past

> before we had kids.I have thought about leaving so many times I

> couldn't count. But I love him so much and I honestly know there isn't

> a person who could love me or be more devoted to me even if it isn't

> always shown. Does that even make sense? I mainly joined this group

> for support and advice ideas anything. I want to help them deal with

> their anger and gain some control so they do not always feel like they

> are holding onto themselves . I want to learn how to better speak to

> them with out setting off their " this isn't good radar" Thanks for

> your time Kian

>

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

oh my that is so true!!! I listen to him recap all the wonderful things he did through the day and how everyone thinks he is a a wonder and saves the day on the job daily. ( all very true he really is) But if I start to say something he either would turn on the tv , or walk out the room or cut me off to start a new subject. OH MY GOD I AM NOT ALONE AND HE ISN'T A BAD PERSON. I am not crazy to be here. I can not tell you how good this feels. Thanks. Now he has been really trying as of late we had a serious melt down of sorts on x-mas eve it was the worst. So he has resolved to make things better. Now he still has his moments when the battle consumes him but over all he is listening more. watching tv

less. He is also being more involved with the kids especially sharing his feelings growing up with our oldest so she knows she isn't alone. Now some of you have mentioned the OCD parts my loved ones are as well but they are slobs yet they are set off by messes. They are overwhelmed when things are out of place and can not find things when(ever) yet they NEVER put things away, remember where they left things or had something. No wonder they are always mad. I also read a post where someone mentioned the need for constant praise and conformation of a loved ones love. I deal with this so much. My husband needs praise like a junkie yet giving it is like pulling teeth. When he really tries I will get a your looking good or your hot. You do keep the house clean or even you a good mom. I am lucky if I get eye contact. I do usually get a hug with it though. If I am busy doing something and say dismiss hug or quick shoulder rub this makes

him so mad. So I now stop what ever I am doing and let him show his affection even if it means the kids have to wait a few .I do admit I struggle with this especially in the evening ,in the kitchen when I am doing a lot of things so I can sit down after I get the kids to bed and him taken care of. Kian Re: new to the group, intro and questions sorry if long winded

Welcome Kian. Like you and , I am an NT married to an AS.

I could relate to what you said. You are not alone. I also just

joined a few days ago. Besides just sharing my experiences, I am

learning some new strategies. Because your husband was diagnosed,

you might be able to guide him into taking some ownership and

responsibility for some of his behaviors that are causing problems.

From what I have learned here, an AS can change some of their

problematic behaviors. It is hard for them to do because it requires

them to get out of their comfort zone and to consider someone else's

feelings rather than their own. As I was typing this, my husband

came in and began one of his usual conversations with

me......lol. ...about what he was going to do today. When he was

finished, I began telling him about something I was planning to do

today. He walked away in mid-sentence because it had nothing to do

with him. I let it go, but maybe I shouldn't have.

Verleen

>

> My name is Kian and I am a 32 year old married for 11 yrs. mom to

> 4 kids. 8 yr old girl who is high functioning autistic, ADHA, OCD,

> with as they are calling it now a generalized mood disorder. A 6 yr

> old girl ,4 year old boy who has ghost symptoms but no diagnoses, and

> a 21 month old girl. My husband has also been diagnosed through the

> process of getting my oldest tested. Which cleared up so many things

> and helped me understand him in a lot of ways. Yet there are still so

> many things or quirks that are very hard to work around . Both my

> daughter and my husband are extremely smart, very literal,can be very

> affectionate on their terms. Which can make for some confusing

> interactions till you get that. They are very blunt and honest almost

> to the point of rudeness. I know everyone here is all to familiar with

> these things these are fairly common across the board from what I

> gather. They have a very hard time taking ownership of anything. If

> Bri gets in trouble for something at school or at home it is always

> someone else's fault. They tend to project their feelings onto someone

> else. For ex if my husband is getting frustrated and beginning to talk

> short and rude he will start saying you do not have to be so

> frustrated to me. He also has trouble if I talk to him if I am showing

> any emotion other then happy. If I am tired , sick, sad, he interprets

> it all as mad or irritated at him. He also thinks I am talking in a

> nasty tone when my voice displays any emotion that is out of the norm.

> Now if I am crying he is ok with that he can understand that.This is

> very hard and frustrating to live with and raise 4 kids with. I am

> open to any suggestions to help me cope and handle my own needs about

> this. I have no family or close friends that would understand. Jim has

> offended all my friends. Now he does have friends from work and is

> funny, sweet,very hard working and great at his very complex math

> based problem solving job. But he does not do things with his friends

> or anything like that occasionally for a quick outing if asked.

> My husband and daughter struggle with anger so much. It is as if

> they are always at war with themselves and it is so sad to watch at

> times. They stay in a constant state of frustration. My daughter is on

> zoloft and that has helped in many ways but her impulse control has

> been going way down we see her specialist on Mon. Jim is on nothing

> they had tried a few meds and it caused very severe and almost tragic

> side effects. My daughter for the most part is happy, mad. sad all at

> once always. When Jim was growing up and until he met me he admits and

> pictures seem to prove. He was just sad and mad. There is not one

> single picture of Jim with a smile until we met. (not taking credit or

> tooting my own horn or anything) I just feel so bad that he suffered

> for so long. I am at times very lonely cause he is so limited in how

> he can be there for me. He has been verbally abusive to me in the past

> before we had kids.I have thought about leaving so many times I

> couldn't count. But I love him so much and I honestly know there isn't

> a person who could love me or be more devoted to me even if it isn't

> always shown. Does that even make sense? I mainly joined this group

> for support and advice ideas anything. I want to help them deal with

> their anger and gain some control so they do not always feel like they

> are holding onto themselves . I want to learn how to better speak to

> them with out setting off their " this isn't good radar" Thanks for

> your time Kian

>

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Hi Kian,I know that this may be hard to understand, and feel really arbitrary, but I am the same way about finding things. If you move something of mine, even a little bit, I will not be able to find it! this is a trigger for me, because it causes a major disruption in my life-- especially if you are not around for me to ask you where it is! My visual processing is not good in the area of finding things-- if you place a black calculator on a black floor, I will not see it unless I happen to look right at it. My ex used to tease me that if (whatever I could not find) were a dog, it would have bitten me. Grrrr--I felt like biting him, at times! I hope that my post makes you feel a bit better, so that you see that there is a why and can empathize a bit. I try hard not to melt down when this happens. It is a major trial. I know of no great way to explain it to

you. I cannot pick people out of crowds either. I wonder if this has something to do with drive towards central coherence. My solution is to have a place for everything important, have two of things that others use 9so they do not need to put theirs back- and I can have a back-up where i can find it), and be diligent to put mine away out of sight and out of mind of the NTs in my life! I love them! I also love to dish out praise where I can find it-- but maybe AS wpomen are different in that regard. I was brought up by my (presumed AS) mother to praise the process, rather than the results. ASkian vencill wrote: oh my that is so true!!! I listen to him recap all the wonderful things he did through the day and how everyone thinks he is a a wonder and saves the day on the job daily. ( all very true he really is) But if I start to say something he either would turn on the tv , or walk out the room or cut me off to start a new subject. OH MY GOD I AM NOT ALONE AND HE ISN'T A BAD PERSON. I am not crazy to be here. I can not tell you how good this feels. Thanks. Now he has been really trying as of late we had a serious melt down of sorts on x-mas eve it was the worst. So he has resolved to make things better. Now he still has his moments when the battle consumes him but over all he

is listening more. watching tv less. He is also being more involved with the kids especially sharing his feelings growing up with our oldest so she knows she isn't alone. Now some of you have mentioned the OCD parts my loved ones are as well but they are slobs yet they are set off by messes. They are overwhelmed when things are out of place and can not find things when(ever) yet they NEVER put things away, remember where they left things or had something. No wonder they are always mad. I also read a post where someone mentioned the need for constant praise and conformation of a loved ones love. I deal with this so much. My husband needs praise like a junkie yet giving it is like pulling teeth. When he really tries I will get a your looking good or your hot. You do keep the house clean or even you a good mom. I am lucky if I get eye contact. I do usually get a hug with it though. If I am busy doing something and say dismiss hug or quick

shoulder rub this makes him so mad. So I now stop what ever I am doing and let him show his affection even if it means the kids have to wait a few .I do admit I struggle with this especially in the evening ,in the kitchen when I am doing a lot of things so I can sit down after I get the kids to bed and him taken care of. Kian Re: new to the group, intro and questions sorry if long winded Welcome Kian. Like you and , I am an NT married to an AS. I could relate to what you said. You are not alone. I also just joined a few days ago. Besides just

sharing my experiences, I am learning some new strategies. Because your husband was diagnosed, you might be able to guide him into taking some ownership and responsibility for some of his behaviors that are causing problems. From what I have learned here, an AS can change some of their problematic behaviors. It is hard for them to do because it requires them to get out of their comfort zone and to consider someone else's feelings rather than their own. As I was typing this, my husband came in and began one of his usual conversations with me......lol. ...about what he was going to do today. When he was finished, I began telling him about something I was planning to do today. He walked away in mid-sentence because it had nothing to do with him. I let it go, but maybe I shouldn't have. Verleen > > My name is Kian and I am a 32 year old married for 11 yrs. mom to > 4 kids. 8 yr old girl who is high functioning autistic, ADHA, OCD, > with as they are calling it now a generalized mood disorder. A 6 yr > old girl ,4 year old boy who has ghost symptoms but no diagnoses, and > a 21 month old girl. My husband has also been diagnosed through the > process of getting my oldest tested. Which cleared up so many things > and helped me understand him in a lot of ways. Yet there are still so > many things or quirks that are very hard to work around . Both my > daughter and my husband are extremely smart, very literal,can be very > affectionate on their terms. Which can make for some confusing > interactions till you get that. They are very blunt

and honest almost > to the point of rudeness. I know everyone here is all to familiar with > these things these are fairly common across the board from what I > gather. They have a very hard time taking ownership of anything. If > Bri gets in trouble for something at school or at home it is always > someone else's fault. They tend to project their feelings onto someone > else. For ex if my husband is getting frustrated and beginning to talk > short and rude he will start saying you do not have to be so > frustrated to me. He also has trouble if I talk to him if I am showing > any emotion other then happy. If I am tired , sick, sad, he interprets > it all as mad or irritated at him. He also thinks I am talking in a > nasty tone when my voice displays any emotion that is out of the norm. > Now if I am crying he is ok with that he can understand that.This is > very hard and

frustrating to live with and raise 4 kids with. I am > open to any suggestions to help me cope and handle my own needs about > this. I have no family or close friends that would understand. Jim has > offended all my friends. Now he does have friends from work and is > funny, sweet,very hard working and great at his very complex math > based problem solving job. But he does not do things with his friends > or anything like that occasionally for a quick outing if asked. > My husband and daughter struggle with anger so much. It is as if > they are always at war with themselves and it is so sad to watch at > times. They stay in a constant state of frustration. My daughter is on > zoloft and that has helped in many ways but her impulse control has > been going way down we see her specialist on Mon. Jim is on nothing > they had tried a few meds and it caused very severe and almost tragic

> side effects. My daughter for the most part is happy, mad. sad all at > once always. When Jim was growing up and until he met me he admits and > pictures seem to prove. He was just sad and mad. There is not one > single picture of Jim with a smile until we met. (not taking credit or > tooting my own horn or anything) I just feel so bad that he suffered > for so long. I am at times very lonely cause he is so limited in how > he can be there for me. He has been verbally abusive to me in the past > before we had kids.I have thought about leaving so many times I > couldn't count. But I love him so much and I honestly know there isn't > a person who could love me or be more devoted to me even if it isn't > always shown. Does that even make sense? I mainly joined this group > for support and advice ideas anything. I want to help them deal with > their anger and gain some control so they do

not always feel like they > are holding onto themselves . I want to learn how to better speak to > them with out setting off their " this isn't good radar" Thanks for > your time Kian > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Hi Kian,I know that this may be hard to understand, and feel really arbitrary, but I am the same way about finding things. If you move something of mine, even a little bit, I will not be able to find it! this is a trigger for me, because it causes a major disruption in my life-- especially if you are not around for me to ask you where it is! My visual processing is not good in the area of finding things-- if you place a black calculator on a black floor, I will not see it unless I happen to look right at it. My ex used to tease me that if (whatever I could not find) were a dog, it would have bitten me. Grrrr--I felt like biting him, at times! I hope that my post makes you feel a bit better, so that you see that there is a why and can empathize a bit. I try hard not to melt down when this happens. It is a major trial. I know of no great way to explain it to

you. I cannot pick people out of crowds either. I wonder if this has something to do with drive towards central coherence. My solution is to have a place for everything important, have two of things that others use 9so they do not need to put theirs back- and I can have a back-up where i can find it), and be diligent to put mine away out of sight and out of mind of the NTs in my life! I love them! I also love to dish out praise where I can find it-- but maybe AS wpomen are different in that regard. I was brought up by my (presumed AS) mother to praise the process, rather than the results. ASkian vencill wrote: oh my that is so true!!! I listen to him recap all the wonderful things he did through the day and how everyone thinks he is a a wonder and saves the day on the job daily. ( all very true he really is) But if I start to say something he either would turn on the tv , or walk out the room or cut me off to start a new subject. OH MY GOD I AM NOT ALONE AND HE ISN'T A BAD PERSON. I am not crazy to be here. I can not tell you how good this feels. Thanks. Now he has been really trying as of late we had a serious melt down of sorts on x-mas eve it was the worst. So he has resolved to make things better. Now he still has his moments when the battle consumes him but over all he

is listening more. watching tv less. He is also being more involved with the kids especially sharing his feelings growing up with our oldest so she knows she isn't alone. Now some of you have mentioned the OCD parts my loved ones are as well but they are slobs yet they are set off by messes. They are overwhelmed when things are out of place and can not find things when(ever) yet they NEVER put things away, remember where they left things or had something. No wonder they are always mad. I also read a post where someone mentioned the need for constant praise and conformation of a loved ones love. I deal with this so much. My husband needs praise like a junkie yet giving it is like pulling teeth. When he really tries I will get a your looking good or your hot. You do keep the house clean or even you a good mom. I am lucky if I get eye contact. I do usually get a hug with it though. If I am busy doing something and say dismiss hug or quick

shoulder rub this makes him so mad. So I now stop what ever I am doing and let him show his affection even if it means the kids have to wait a few .I do admit I struggle with this especially in the evening ,in the kitchen when I am doing a lot of things so I can sit down after I get the kids to bed and him taken care of. Kian Re: new to the group, intro and questions sorry if long winded Welcome Kian. Like you and , I am an NT married to an AS. I could relate to what you said. You are not alone. I also just joined a few days ago. Besides just

sharing my experiences, I am learning some new strategies. Because your husband was diagnosed, you might be able to guide him into taking some ownership and responsibility for some of his behaviors that are causing problems. From what I have learned here, an AS can change some of their problematic behaviors. It is hard for them to do because it requires them to get out of their comfort zone and to consider someone else's feelings rather than their own. As I was typing this, my husband came in and began one of his usual conversations with me......lol. ...about what he was going to do today. When he was finished, I began telling him about something I was planning to do today. He walked away in mid-sentence because it had nothing to do with him. I let it go, but maybe I shouldn't have. Verleen > > My name is Kian and I am a 32 year old married for 11 yrs. mom to > 4 kids. 8 yr old girl who is high functioning autistic, ADHA, OCD, > with as they are calling it now a generalized mood disorder. A 6 yr > old girl ,4 year old boy who has ghost symptoms but no diagnoses, and > a 21 month old girl. My husband has also been diagnosed through the > process of getting my oldest tested. Which cleared up so many things > and helped me understand him in a lot of ways. Yet there are still so > many things or quirks that are very hard to work around . Both my > daughter and my husband are extremely smart, very literal,can be very > affectionate on their terms. Which can make for some confusing > interactions till you get that. They are very blunt

and honest almost > to the point of rudeness. I know everyone here is all to familiar with > these things these are fairly common across the board from what I > gather. They have a very hard time taking ownership of anything. If > Bri gets in trouble for something at school or at home it is always > someone else's fault. They tend to project their feelings onto someone > else. For ex if my husband is getting frustrated and beginning to talk > short and rude he will start saying you do not have to be so > frustrated to me. He also has trouble if I talk to him if I am showing > any emotion other then happy. If I am tired , sick, sad, he interprets > it all as mad or irritated at him. He also thinks I am talking in a > nasty tone when my voice displays any emotion that is out of the norm. > Now if I am crying he is ok with that he can understand that.This is > very hard and

frustrating to live with and raise 4 kids with. I am > open to any suggestions to help me cope and handle my own needs about > this. I have no family or close friends that would understand. Jim has > offended all my friends. Now he does have friends from work and is > funny, sweet,very hard working and great at his very complex math > based problem solving job. But he does not do things with his friends > or anything like that occasionally for a quick outing if asked. > My husband and daughter struggle with anger so much. It is as if > they are always at war with themselves and it is so sad to watch at > times. They stay in a constant state of frustration. My daughter is on > zoloft and that has helped in many ways but her impulse control has > been going way down we see her specialist on Mon. Jim is on nothing > they had tried a few meds and it caused very severe and almost tragic

> side effects. My daughter for the most part is happy, mad. sad all at > once always. When Jim was growing up and until he met me he admits and > pictures seem to prove. He was just sad and mad. There is not one > single picture of Jim with a smile until we met. (not taking credit or > tooting my own horn or anything) I just feel so bad that he suffered > for so long. I am at times very lonely cause he is so limited in how > he can be there for me. He has been verbally abusive to me in the past > before we had kids.I have thought about leaving so many times I > couldn't count. But I love him so much and I honestly know there isn't > a person who could love me or be more devoted to me even if it isn't > always shown. Does that even make sense? I mainly joined this group > for support and advice ideas anything. I want to help them deal with > their anger and gain some control so they do

not always feel like they > are holding onto themselves . I want to learn how to better speak to > them with out setting off their " this isn't good radar" Thanks for > your time Kian > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.