some hopeful changes

[Guest guest]

Good Saturday, All

Sorry not to have written before, but it's been an interesting and full

week. After reading your responses to my post about our life together,

I did a lot of thinking as to just how much of a victim I really am. I

called an attorney here in Portland and learned that if my husband and I

chose to divorce and he wanted to give me half his inheritance, there

wasn't a thing in the world his family could do to prevent that. Further

I learned that since he does not have a conservatorship or anything like

that, IF he wanted to my husband could challenge the the provision in

his father's estate that specified his share would be in an annuity and

prevail.

Most importantly for me, I faced and accepted responsibility for the

level of dependency to which I had fallen. I went to my doctor for a

full physical examination, joined Weight Watchers, got good pain

medications, and started therapy. Yes, I did all that in one week. But

that's not all.

Armed with my new found resolve and the information from the attorneys

and his therapist (we had a private conversation), I sat down with my

husband the day after I talked to the attorney. I told him in very

precise terms, avoiding vague emotional references, just how isolated

and neglected I felt. I told him that things had to change if I were to

stay. I told him that whether our relationship was to continue after the

estate settled was fully his responsibility: that I wanted to stay but

would only do so if things changed.

Then came the hard part. He asked me what he needed to do, and I ALMOST

told him. Fortunately I stopped myself just as the words were coming out

of my mouth and said, " You know what you need to do. You have heard it a

million times from me, from your social services worker, from your

therapist. Do not ask me, do not request my help, do not attempt to tell

me what you are going to do. Just do it or don't do it. You choose. "

All week I have had to bite my tongue again and again to keep from

asking him how he was going to do certain things or if he was going to

do things, etc. I have been learning just how controlling I have been,

or attempted to be. For his part, the house has never been cleaner. The

meals have been pretty good and on time. We have gone walking together

every day since that " sit down. " Today we are going to my daughter's to

help her assemble some furniture. Thursday he went to our local grade

school to read to a child, and made arrangements to go every Thursday.

Oh, and did I say the house is clean? LOL...

Oh if this only lasts. And in the meantime I will continue my own

journey to independence and return to health and contentment. Thank you

all for the wakeup.

Shoshana

--

Life is what happens to you; living is how you manage it.

read about our adventures at www.justjosmidden.blogspot.com