Advice Requested

[Guest guest]

Well, here goes with my first dilemma (which has already given

insights and advice on – thank you, again!)

As I wrote in my introduction, I am involved in a long-distance

relationship with a man who I strongly believe has undiagnosed

Asperger's, or is otherwise on the spectrum. He will be moving to

come live with me in the next month or two. We met over the internet

and wrote for two months before I drove 1000 miles to visit for a

week (you might say I love adventure...). Over the e-mails I was

certain he was the one!! I'm sure none of you will be surprised to

hear that he was very different in person... When I got home, I was

extremely motivated to figure out what was up. Finally, I hit on

AS. Bingo.

When I brought up AS to my boyfriend, he had never heard of it, but

he was open to the possibility. He even checked a book (one of Tony

Atwood's) out of the library, but I don't think he read it. He did

look at some checklist, and thought maybe some of the traits could

apply to him.

During this time, his mother (he lives with his parents) confided in

me that ever since the AS diagnosis came out (my bf is 42), she and

his father have thought my bf has AS, although they haven't said this

to him. (My bf comes from a really large, really loving, intact

family and has had really good role models!)

I came up with the idea that my bf should mention the possibility of

his having AS to his therapist. I thought for sure his therapist

would agree with me, and then we would have a professional involved.

I was aware of the frequent mis- or missed-diagnoses, but in my bf's

case, I thought it was pretty obvious. Unfortunately, the only one

who seems to be having an " ah ha " moment is me and my plan

backfired. The therapist told my bf he was " too normal " and " not

autistic enough " to have AS. He then went on to ask my bf what was

wrong with ME (plenty, but it still seems like an inappropriate

question) and suggested that maybe I was one of those people who is

constantly diagnosing others (I swear, I'm not).

My bf also asked his psychiatrist about AS (the psychiatrist

prescribes medication for a neurological condition -- not anything

that would be anything like AS). The psychiatrist flipped through

some manual, which I assume was the DSM IV, and said it didn't sound

like my bf. He wouldn't even look at the list of observations I had

given my bf (at my bf's request). I really don't understand this!!

Fortunately, my bf didn't buy the idea that I'm one of those people

who diagnoses everyone. Unfortunately, he did buy the idea that he

doesn't have AS. When I asked him how he felt, he said that he is

really willing to work on issues as they come up (I sincerely believe

this and he has been), but he doesn't really want to be labeled. He

knows he has a hard time socially, but I don't really think he's

aware of just how differnt he is. To him, the problems he sees are

the cognitive things, which he attributes to ADHD (he hasn't been

diagnosed with this either and really I don't think he has it, but I

don't really know on this one.)

My questions are these --

1. It's my belief that he and I being on the same page about him

having AS is crucial to our relationship being successful. I won't

go into my reasons here, because I think you'll understand, but I

would be happy to explain why I think this is important if anyone

wants to know.

Would you agree that it's important for him to realize that he has AS

and have a basic understanding of what our difference/difficulties

might be? Or do you think it's enough that he's willing to work on

issues as they come up?

2. If you think it's important for him to realize he has AS, do you

think I should push the issue now, before he moves? Or should I wait

until he's settled here? He does have a lot on his plate right now

with getting ready for the move. What I really want is for him to

agree (I mean agree in his heart here too, not just because it's

something I want) to an evaluation (by someone with AS experience!!)

after he moves. Should I present my concerns now and see if he's

agreeable to an evaluation after the move? Or wait?

3. Does anyone have any suggestions how to get him to see that he

likely has AS?? I can totally understand why he doesn't see it --

two (I believe uninformed...) professionals have told him he

doesn't. UGH.

Thank you and sorry for such a long post!!!