Guest guest Posted February 12, 2008 Report Share Posted February 12, 2008 Greetings- Endless thanks Ron and Bill--both, as usual, were insightful and helpful replies. I can extract a lot... There is an interesting turn of events since I wrote last night: I didn't mention that I am my AS husband's second marriage (he was married 10 years before me). Out of desperation, and wanting to learn from those past experiences (I know they went to counseling, but now my husband refuses to go based on his experience with her), I took a bold step in contacting his ex wife. We will have a phone conversation this evening. She is very kind, generous, and at a good place in her life. She is not about bashing her ex (much time has passed) and is willing to offer any advice she can. So I am eager to learn... BUT, I am taking the reins to help myself and my babies first. I like the 'vacation' idea: perhaps a visit to my parents for a month. Baby steps...a marriage is a terrible thing to waste, but it is so hard to be in it right now...The catch 22.... I am so lost, but I am grateful to those here for keeping me together. There is both hope and no hope, so it is such a mixed feeling.... I will keep reading and learning from all of you. Thanks and regards- Heidi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 12, 2008 Report Share Posted February 12, 2008 Greetings- Endless thanks Ron and Bill--both, as usual, were insightful and helpful replies. I can extract a lot... There is an interesting turn of events since I wrote last night: I didn't mention that I am my AS husband's second marriage (he was married 10 years before me). Out of desperation, and wanting to learn from those past experiences (I know they went to counseling, but now my husband refuses to go based on his experience with her), I took a bold step in contacting his ex wife. We will have a phone conversation this evening. She is very kind, generous, and at a good place in her life. She is not about bashing her ex (much time has passed) and is willing to offer any advice she can. So I am eager to learn... BUT, I am taking the reins to help myself and my babies first. I like the 'vacation' idea: perhaps a visit to my parents for a month. Baby steps...a marriage is a terrible thing to waste, but it is so hard to be in it right now...The catch 22.... I am so lost, but I am grateful to those here for keeping me together. There is both hope and no hope, so it is such a mixed feeling.... I will keep reading and learning from all of you. Thanks and regards- Heidi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 12, 2008 Report Share Posted February 12, 2008 Bill, very good reply to her question! I'm glad I read it. <clap, clap> Verleen > > > > My question is: would a legal separation make an AS feel more abandoned/have a > > negative effect, > > IMO, *anyone* (AS, NT, or 'other') would feel abandoned. And later on > might feel very, very angry. > > " Abandoned " should not be your problem - it's his. You should take care > of *yourself first* (kids too, of course). > > " Angry " could become your problem. You do *not* want that; avoid it if > at all possible. But always take care of yourself (and kids) first. > > > or do you think it could jump start him into making him > > finally want to face the situation? > > It very well might. > But he'll more likely " face the situation " as *he* sees it - not > necessarily as *you* see it. Be careful what you ask for; you may get > it - in unanticipated ways. > > Note too, escalating the severity of the message you want to send may > not be wise: That's an " escalator " which goes UP; never seems to go > back DOWN. > > My first wife left me (separation, though not " legal " ). > I was absolutely _devastated_! So much so I slipped into genuine > " clinical depression " , sleeping all day, eating nothing, and losing 35 > pounds in the process. > Later she filed for divorce, escalating the " message " she was sending. > > Over time, and recovering my sense of self and my self-esteem, I saw the > situation for what it really was. > When the legally-mandated waiting period was over, *I* signed the > divorce papers. In effect, *I* divorced her. > This may or may not have been what she wanted. It *was* what she got. > > > As an AS, what would be the best way to approach a separation so they > > do not feel abandoned/that it is not necessarily a definitive step > > towards divorce? > > Make sure that, however your communications are conducted, there > *always* is an " open door " - a way back. Anything less is a clear > invitation to divorce. > > Whatever you do, _Think It Through_!! All the way down every possible > path. Don't guess, or hope; think it through. KNOW what you're doing. > > At some point, maybe *before* you make weighty decisions, consult a > competent attorney. > You don't have to commit to separation, or worse. Just " talk it > through " with someone who understands better than you what all the > possibilities really are. Someone whose mind isn't clouded by the > emotions which *have to be* clouding yours. > > > > > Of course, I wouldn't separate for that reason alone (i.e. to shock him into > > addressing his AS): it is also for me to get a break to think. And be human. And get > > the emotional support I deserve. > > Then arrange, somehow, a " separate vacation " . Call it that; don't say > " separation " . That word has a lot of freight; legal connotations. > Scares people. Keep it friendly, as best you can. > Keep it simple. Don't use " loaded " words and lengthy explanations. > What you want (and need) is *time*. Heavy-duty matters can wait; and > should. > > > > > But I do not want to do it if it will make him more distant, reduce the > > possibility of reconciling. > > You're thinking of *him*, *his* welfare. > FIRST think of yourself. If *you* aren't OK, there's no way you can > help him. > > Think of airline pre-flight instructions: When cabin pressure is lost, > and the oxygen masks drop down - PUT *YOUR* MASK ON FIRST. > *Then* put one on your kid. If you pass out, how can you help your > kid? Or anyone? > > > > > Divorce may be in our future, but I hope not. But I do think we need a > > break from this for perspective.... > > > > Any advice is appreciated. > > > > Kind regards- > > Good luck. A marriage is a terrible thing to waste. > > - Bill, 75, AS; ...second marriage is 41 years and counting. > > -- > WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA > http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 12, 2008 Report Share Posted February 12, 2008 Bill, very good reply to her question! I'm glad I read it. <clap, clap> Verleen > > > > My question is: would a legal separation make an AS feel more abandoned/have a > > negative effect, > > IMO, *anyone* (AS, NT, or 'other') would feel abandoned. And later on > might feel very, very angry. > > " Abandoned " should not be your problem - it's his. You should take care > of *yourself first* (kids too, of course). > > " Angry " could become your problem. You do *not* want that; avoid it if > at all possible. But always take care of yourself (and kids) first. > > > or do you think it could jump start him into making him > > finally want to face the situation? > > It very well might. > But he'll more likely " face the situation " as *he* sees it - not > necessarily as *you* see it. Be careful what you ask for; you may get > it - in unanticipated ways. > > Note too, escalating the severity of the message you want to send may > not be wise: That's an " escalator " which goes UP; never seems to go > back DOWN. > > My first wife left me (separation, though not " legal " ). > I was absolutely _devastated_! So much so I slipped into genuine > " clinical depression " , sleeping all day, eating nothing, and losing 35 > pounds in the process. > Later she filed for divorce, escalating the " message " she was sending. > > Over time, and recovering my sense of self and my self-esteem, I saw the > situation for what it really was. > When the legally-mandated waiting period was over, *I* signed the > divorce papers. In effect, *I* divorced her. > This may or may not have been what she wanted. It *was* what she got. > > > As an AS, what would be the best way to approach a separation so they > > do not feel abandoned/that it is not necessarily a definitive step > > towards divorce? > > Make sure that, however your communications are conducted, there > *always* is an " open door " - a way back. Anything less is a clear > invitation to divorce. > > Whatever you do, _Think It Through_!! All the way down every possible > path. Don't guess, or hope; think it through. KNOW what you're doing. > > At some point, maybe *before* you make weighty decisions, consult a > competent attorney. > You don't have to commit to separation, or worse. Just " talk it > through " with someone who understands better than you what all the > possibilities really are. Someone whose mind isn't clouded by the > emotions which *have to be* clouding yours. > > > > > Of course, I wouldn't separate for that reason alone (i.e. to shock him into > > addressing his AS): it is also for me to get a break to think. And be human. And get > > the emotional support I deserve. > > Then arrange, somehow, a " separate vacation " . Call it that; don't say > " separation " . That word has a lot of freight; legal connotations. > Scares people. Keep it friendly, as best you can. > Keep it simple. Don't use " loaded " words and lengthy explanations. > What you want (and need) is *time*. Heavy-duty matters can wait; and > should. > > > > > But I do not want to do it if it will make him more distant, reduce the > > possibility of reconciling. > > You're thinking of *him*, *his* welfare. > FIRST think of yourself. If *you* aren't OK, there's no way you can > help him. > > Think of airline pre-flight instructions: When cabin pressure is lost, > and the oxygen masks drop down - PUT *YOUR* MASK ON FIRST. > *Then* put one on your kid. If you pass out, how can you help your > kid? Or anyone? > > > > > Divorce may be in our future, but I hope not. But I do think we need a > > break from this for perspective.... > > > > Any advice is appreciated. > > > > Kind regards- > > Good luck. A marriage is a terrible thing to waste. > > - Bill, 75, AS; ...second marriage is 41 years and counting. > > -- > WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA > http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 12, 2008 Report Share Posted February 12, 2008 "Abandoned" should not be your problem - it's his. You should take care of *yourself first* (kids too, of course). I totally agree. This is about YOU and not him. He is an adult and responsible for his behavior. Having AS or anything else does not lower ones capacity to act in appropriate ways nor is it an excuse. The only one that can judge how you should be treated is YOU. It does not matter what is said on this board as only YOU live it. You have the power over your life. Make a good choice and even if you choose wrong, you will have opportunity after opportunity to get it right. It is called life. This is how we learn. Just me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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