Re: Tony Atwood Seminar on Aspergers and Relationships-Ray

[Guest guest]

Dear Greg,

I went to see Tony Atwood at a MAAP Conference. He knows his stuff, but

there are a lot

of steps from where I am to where he has gone.

Sincerely yours,

Ray AS ADHD SPD 54 years old

Greg Greer wrote:

Hi All,

Just a quick note on the Tony

Attwood

seminar. This was organised by Carol Griggs and the folk from the ASPIA

foundation which is a support group and information source for those

who

are involved in or interested in marriage and long-term relationships

with

adults or family members with AS. Their website address is

www.aspia.org.au.

I met up with Ron and we enjoyed a

very

informative few sessions where Tony presented some very informative

stuff

about AS in respect of those who have it, and those who live

with partners/parents/children with AS and the effects it has on

both people

in the relationship. If you want to know more about Tony here is

his website.

http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/

I was very surprised at how

participative

the audience was and how enjoyable it was to listen to Tony deliver the

information. He is a born performer but I suspect he was a little

tired after two hectic days. As he said at the finish, if he did

not stop he would shut down.

The overwhelming sense I got from

the

sessions was that it is natural for AS to feel guilty about what has

gone

wrong in relationships but there needs to be acceptance by both

partners

that they are different (a different culture as Tony puts it). He

uses the metaphor of the NT with the bucket and the AS with the teacup

in terms of how empathy, understanding and love can never be satisfied

unless both accept there needs to be a different way of cohabiting.

What

surprised me even more was how devastated the NT person feels in the

relationship

which is hard for the AS to really come to grips with. It is not

only harmful mentally, but physically as well if the NT person is at

the

extreme end of the spectrum. Tony says that as a general rule AS

people marry either people who are close to their part of the spectrum

or extreme NTs as well. It is less common for people

who are towards the higher parts of the bell curve to marry AS . He

explains this by saying that extreme NTs can see past the behaviour to

the heart of the AS person and believe that due to other attractive

qualities

they may be able to change them out of compassion or because they

recognise

the goodness underneath. The tragedy is that AS will find it very

difficult to change and the NT person finds themselves slipping towards

the AS part of the spectrum to accommodate the AS characteristics but

at

the expense of their own hopes and dreams. When people who marry

AS are closer to where the AS person is on the spectrum they can tend

to

coexist and compromise to some extent but every couple is unique and

the

future of the relationship will have different outcomes depending on

the

issues and differences..

There was a lot of suggestions

that came forth regarding why NTs said they married their AS partner

and

why AS said they married their NT partner. I really started to

understand

how lonely the NT person must feel after years of expectations and

hopes

being dashed when the diagnosis is made. I also started to appreciate

how little I can give when all I have is a teacup to fill my partners

bucket

with.

I am sure Ron who is more erudite

than

myself can provide more detailed info, but just thought I would provide

a quick overview for the people on the list.

Greg

dx AS at 53