Re: On my relationship with my father

[Guest guest]

My condolences.. thanks for sharing.  It is hard when some people do not want to have a ceremony and others do.   Perhaps you could have a family/friends gathering of your own arranging for this?  An ash scattering?   I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes!  jkzHi anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this, 

[Guest guest]

, I'm so sorry to hear about your fathers passing. I'm very happy for you that you got the chance to spend time with him and understand more, about you and him. My father passed away Nov 06 he was 58.. He too wanted to be cremated and his ashes thrown in to the ocean. His mother is still alive and was 85 at the time. He was an only child and I have 2 sisters. My sisters and I along with my grandmother rented a limo and drove to the beach in New Jersey had lunch at his favorite spot then threw some of his ashes into the ocean and proceeded to go bar hopping the rest of the afternoon. We had a blast. I know with my heart he was happy with what we did. We then split the ashes amongst ourselves and we all have a small piece of my father. He is on my mantle and any time we are all at my house we have a little chat togethe, his birthday we call each other and say something in his honor...It doesn't have to be anything formal or alot of people.

You can have your own memorial with people you choose to. Maybe your stepmother would share some of the ashes if you wanted to do that. Some people need a service or a memorial for closure . My thought are with you and your family. I thought you described your feelings pretty well... Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.... Janet Zimmerman wrote: My condolences.. thanks for sharing. It is hard when some people do not want to

have a ceremony and others do. Perhaps you could have a family/friends gathering of your own arranging for this? An ash scattering? I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes! jkz Hi anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the

best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It

isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone,

and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on

the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this,

[Guest guest]

Thanks, , This is a great idea. I like the idea of sharing. I am glad that you had a good time, and were able to be together and enjoy each other in remembering. stephanie muska wrote: , I'm so sorry to hear about your fathers passing. I'm very happy for you that you got the chance to spend time with him and understand more, about you and him. My father passed away Nov 06 he was

58.. He too wanted to be cremated and his ashes thrown in to the ocean. His mother is still alive and was 85 at the time. He was an only child and I have 2 sisters. My sisters and I along with my grandmother rented a limo and drove to the beach in New Jersey had lunch at his favorite spot then threw some of his ashes into the ocean and proceeded to go bar hopping the rest of the afternoon. We had a blast. I know with my heart he was happy with what we did. We then split the ashes amongst ourselves and we all have a small piece of my father. He is on my mantle and any time we are all at my house we have a little chat togethe, his birthday we call each other and say something in his honor...It doesn't have to be anything formal or alot of people. You can have your own memorial with people you choose to. Maybe your stepmother would share some of the ashes if you wanted to do that. Some people need a service or a memorial for closure . My

thought are with you and your family. I thought you described your feelings pretty well... Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.... .

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Janet. I like your idea of having a little gathering. maybe, I should do something for his anniversary- June 13th- since my stepmother will be alone for the first time in over three decades on that date. his birthday is May 3rd- around that date would be pretty natural, too. All I seem to do is remember-- is that how others process loss? I know you are right about treasuring the time we had together near the end. I will read this over in a couple of days- it looks great. Janet Zimmerman wrote: My condolences.. thanks for sharing. It is hard when some people do not want to have a ceremony and others do. Perhaps you could have a family/friends gathering of your own arranging for this? An ash scattering? I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes! jkz Hi

anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way

today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I

feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this,

[Guest guest]

creativelywired wrote:

> Hi anyone,

>

> My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this

> last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much

> more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I

> could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be

> understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just

> wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a

> father.

, please accept my condolences.

It must be hard to lose a parent, particularly after reaching a

long-delayed rapprochement.

[ snip ]

> There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I

> am, feeling like dialing anyone.

" ...no event at all... " : That's really too bad. The living, even the

most curmudgeonly of us, have need of markers; something *more* than a

backward look.

>

> I have strong feelings, but cannot name them.

In time; ...in time.

- Bill, 75, AS

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Bill. I know there are names for these feelings... I wish I had connected that deeply decades earlier- I have memories of when I was little, and he would hug me when I came in from outdoors, or when he made me count the days of the week till Saturday when we could do a special thing together (all the way from Tuesday!). I remember the feel of his skin on mine far better than I remember his face, and his voice will be with me always- I can imagine I hear it whenever I like. I remember his steady hand, holding still for a grasshopper to land on a finger- and how I lerned to do it from him. We both have "green thumbs"- to this day, I love yardwork, and so did he. My dad was well-read- a retired PhD school psychologist- I believe that he would have loved this list, and been very interested in what we had to say, and contributed many memories of my mother. It would have been great to have him on

here. My mother passed in 1972. As some of you know, I am certain she was AS, too. You're right: it feels not quite closed in a way. And, you don't seem curmudgeonly to me at all- well, maybe a bit skeptical and not polite in the NT sense- but that never bothered me, and it will not start now. I can't imagine your having a mean and disagreeable heart at laa, and never could. claudia WD Loughman wrote: creativelywired wrote:> Hi anyone,> > My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this > last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much > more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I > could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be > understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just > wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a > father., please accept my condolences.It must be hard to lose a parent, particularly after reaching a long-delayed rapprochement.[ snip ]> There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I > am, feeling like dialing anyone."...no event at all...": That's really too bad. The living, even the most curmudgeonly

of us, have need of markers; something *more* than a backward look.> > I have strong feelings, but cannot name them.In time; ...in time.- Bill, 75, AS-- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USAhttp://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Bill. I know there are names for these feelings... I wish I had connected that deeply decades earlier- I have memories of when I was little, and he would hug me when I came in from outdoors, or when he made me count the days of the week till Saturday when we could do a special thing together (all the way from Tuesday!). I remember the feel of his skin on mine far better than I remember his face, and his voice will be with me always- I can imagine I hear it whenever I like. I remember his steady hand, holding still for a grasshopper to land on a finger- and how I lerned to do it from him. We both have "green thumbs"- to this day, I love yardwork, and so did he. My dad was well-read- a retired PhD school psychologist- I believe that he would have loved this list, and been very interested in what we had to say, and contributed many memories of my mother. It would have been great to have him on

here. My mother passed in 1972. As some of you know, I am certain she was AS, too. You're right: it feels not quite closed in a way. And, you don't seem curmudgeonly to me at all- well, maybe a bit skeptical and not polite in the NT sense- but that never bothered me, and it will not start now. I can't imagine your having a mean and disagreeable heart at laa, and never could. claudia WD Loughman wrote: creativelywired wrote:> Hi anyone,> > My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this > last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much > more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I > could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be > understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just > wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a > father., please accept my condolences.It must be hard to lose a parent, particularly after reaching a long-delayed rapprochement.[ snip ]> There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I > am, feeling like dialing anyone."...no event at all...": That's really too bad. The living, even the most curmudgeonly

of us, have need of markers; something *more* than a backward look.> > I have strong feelings, but cannot name them.In time; ...in time.- Bill, 75, AS-- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USAhttp://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99

[Guest guest]

,

I am very sorry about the loss of your father. I am very happy that

you had a chance to reach a new understanding - a joyful

understanding at that - with your father, before he passed on.

As far as your ambivalence about taking the trip with your church,

though ultimately only you can know what is best for you, I will tell

you a short story about my brother's passing. He was in a hospital

back east and I lived in the west. We had expected that he would not

live long, and I came back east so I could visit with him every day.

He actually perked up a bit, and though he never did leave the

hospital, most days he was alert and we had very good talks. Of

course, neither of us knew about AS back then, this was so long ago,

but we were still able to come to closure on many issues. It was good

for both of us. After five weeks, I finally had to go home. He told

me how much he appreciated my time with him, and said not to feel

obligated to go to his funeral if I could not. When he did pass on,

it was suddenly, and peacefully. I did not attend his funeral. I had

the rare opportunity to say " goodbye " before he passed on.

Funerals and memorial ceremonies are for the living. It's a time to

connect with family and friends, and though the occasion does bring

tears, there is much happy reminiscing. It's a perfectly natural

thing to want to reminisce with others about a loved one who has

passed on. This what people do and this is why you want to ring

people up right now. Provided it's not 2 AM when you do it, I think

that's a wonderful idea!

- Helen

[Guest guest]

,

I am very sorry about the loss of your father. I am very happy that

you had a chance to reach a new understanding - a joyful

understanding at that - with your father, before he passed on.

As far as your ambivalence about taking the trip with your church,

though ultimately only you can know what is best for you, I will tell

you a short story about my brother's passing. He was in a hospital

back east and I lived in the west. We had expected that he would not

live long, and I came back east so I could visit with him every day.

He actually perked up a bit, and though he never did leave the

hospital, most days he was alert and we had very good talks. Of

course, neither of us knew about AS back then, this was so long ago,

but we were still able to come to closure on many issues. It was good

for both of us. After five weeks, I finally had to go home. He told

me how much he appreciated my time with him, and said not to feel

obligated to go to his funeral if I could not. When he did pass on,

it was suddenly, and peacefully. I did not attend his funeral. I had

the rare opportunity to say " goodbye " before he passed on.

Funerals and memorial ceremonies are for the living. It's a time to

connect with family and friends, and though the occasion does bring

tears, there is much happy reminiscing. It's a perfectly natural

thing to want to reminisce with others about a loved one who has

passed on. This what people do and this is why you want to ring

people up right now. Provided it's not 2 AM when you do it, I think

that's a wonderful idea!

- Helen

[Guest guest]

my best thoughts and prayers to you

sandy

Re: On my relationship with my father

My condolences. . thanks for sharing. It is hard when some people do not want to have a ceremony and others do. Perhaps you could have a family/friends gathering of your own arranging for this? An ash scattering? I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes! jkz

Hi anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am

glad not to be that way today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and

not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me

feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed.

For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this,

[Guest guest]

my best thoughts and prayers to you

sandy

Re: On my relationship with my father

My condolences. . thanks for sharing. It is hard when some people do not want to have a ceremony and others do. Perhaps you could have a family/friends gathering of your own arranging for this? An ash scattering? I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes! jkz

Hi anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am

glad not to be that way today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and

not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me

feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed.

For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this,

[Guest guest]

,My condolences. It sounds like a complicated relationship to sort out. I think you'll need time, and your church retreat sounds like a very constructive move for the moment.When my mother died, I really didn't grieve right away. I think the brain has a self-defense mechanism, and I just didn't experience what I thought I ought to. Details of the memorial occupied my time. It was much later - when she wasn't there for a Christmas, when I had a child, that the pain of losing my mother hit hard. Conserve your emotional capital. Allow yourself time to sort out your ambiguities, and be kind to yourself. Grieving isn't a moment in time.with much affection,Daneka Hi

anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way

today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for

the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and

left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from

this earth. So, now I

feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a

chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings,

but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this,

between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99

[Guest guest]

,My condolences. It sounds like a complicated relationship to sort out. I think you'll need time, and your church retreat sounds like a very constructive move for the moment.When my mother died, I really didn't grieve right away. I think the brain has a self-defense mechanism, and I just didn't experience what I thought I ought to. Details of the memorial occupied my time. It was much later - when she wasn't there for a Christmas, when I had a child, that the pain of losing my mother hit hard. Conserve your emotional capital. Allow yourself time to sort out your ambiguities, and be kind to yourself. Grieving isn't a moment in time.with much affection,Daneka Hi

anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way

today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for

the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and

left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from

this earth. So, now I

feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a

chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings,

but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this,

between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99

[Guest guest]

,

That was a very powerful message you sent, especially the last line. It is a

priviledge to get a glimpse of your relationship to your father.

Memarie

________________________________

> To: aspires-relationships

> From: creativelywired@...

> Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2008 22:05:40 +0000

> Subject: On my relationship with my father

>

>

> Hi anyone,

>

> My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this

> last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much

> more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I

> could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be

> understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just

> wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a

> father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even

> when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being

> mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that

> he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly

> the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped

> me to understand that my father was NT

>

> Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like

> the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really

> well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result,

> that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to

> be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the

> purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about

> him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't

> sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and

> remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of

> us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his

> brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone

> knew it could not be long.

>

> When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind

> words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself

> and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed,

> she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and

> it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already

> forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact

> comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her

> life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my

> father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place

> for any reason, or when I pass from this earth.

>

> So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I

> am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation

> differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face

> instruction for this evening.

>

> I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him

> cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because

> although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not

> favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know

> he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to

> gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each

> other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.

>

> I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but

> my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my

> Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May

> 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts

> even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I

> am, feeling like dialing anyone.

>

> I have strong feelings, but cannot name them.

>

> Thanks for reading this,

>

>

>

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

Get in touch in an instant. Get Windows Live Messenger now.

http://www.windowslive.com/messenger/overview.html?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_Refresh_get\

intouch_042008

[Guest guest]

,

That was a very powerful message you sent, especially the last line. It is a

priviledge to get a glimpse of your relationship to your father.

Memarie

________________________________

> To: aspires-relationships

> From: creativelywired@...

> Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2008 22:05:40 +0000

> Subject: On my relationship with my father

>

>

> Hi anyone,

>

> My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this

> last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much

> more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I

> could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be

> understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just

> wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a

> father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even

> when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being

> mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that

> he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly

> the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped

> me to understand that my father was NT

>

> Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like

> the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really

> well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result,

> that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to

> be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the

> purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about

> him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't

> sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and

> remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of

> us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his

> brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone

> knew it could not be long.

>

> When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind

> words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself

> and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed,

> she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and

> it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already

> forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact

> comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her

> life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my

> father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place

> for any reason, or when I pass from this earth.

>

> So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I

> am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation

> differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face

> instruction for this evening.

>

> I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him

> cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because

> although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not

> favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know

> he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to

> gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each

> other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.

>

> I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but

> my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my

> Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May

> 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts

> even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I

> am, feeling like dialing anyone.

>

> I have strong feelings, but cannot name them.

>

> Thanks for reading this,

>

>

>

>

>

_________________________________________________________________

Get in touch in an instant. Get Windows Live Messenger now.

http://www.windowslive.com/messenger/overview.html?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_Refresh_get\

intouch_042008

[Guest guest]

Janet, I will find a way. I dedicated my PhD dissertation to my mother and her father, and named my children after other relatives. I have jewelry of my mother's and my grandmother's. (I live 3,000 miles from my mother's grave- no help there.) I will definitely think of something- maybe, it is a reason to write another paper (not that I need a reason). Janet Zimmerman wrote: I know it sounds somewhat trite, but all

we really have are our memories. they can haunt or comfort, depending on whether we choose the positive or negative. Also, since our culture does not 'do death' I think it is important to design our own traditions and rituals that give these occasions lasting meaning, honor and dignity. I go to the cemetery on Memorial Day and visit all my friends there. I take things to leave on the graves , a snack for me and plan to spend a couple of hours. I enjoy this a lot and look forward to doing it every year. I meet other people there doing the same thing (maybe not all are having a little party like I am). there is comfort simply by being there together. I am sure you will think of some special way to honor your father! jkz Thanks, Janet. I like your idea of having a little gathering. maybe, I should do something for his anniversary- June 13th- since my stepmother will be alone for the first time in over three decades on that date. his birthday is May 3rd- around that date would be pretty natural, too. All I seem to do is remember-- is that how others process loss? I know you are right about treasuring the time we had together near the end. I will read this over in a couple of days- it looks great. Janet Zimmerman <jkzmailTSSMT (DOT) NET> wrote: My condolences.. thanks for sharing. It is hard when some people do not want to have a ceremony and others do. Perhaps you could have a family/friends gathering of your own arranging for this? An ash scattering? I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes! jkz Hi anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am

incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to

leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a

place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe

he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like

dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this,

between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99

[Guest guest]

Thanks Mem. Memarie Christoforo wrote: ,That was a very powerful message you sent, especially the last line. It is a priviledge to get a glimpse of your relationship to your father.Memarie________________________________> To: aspires-relationships > From: creativelywired> Date: Mon, 14 Apr

2008 22:05:40 +0000> Subject: On my relationship with my father> > > Hi anyone,> > My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this> last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much> more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I> could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be> understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just> wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a> father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even> when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being> mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that> he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly> the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped> me to

understand that my father was NT> > Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like> the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really> well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result,> that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to> be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the> purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about> him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't> sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and> remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of> us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his> brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone> knew it could not be long.> > When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for

everyone. He had kind> words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself> and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed,> she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and> it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already> forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact> comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her> life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my> father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place> for any reason, or when I pass from this earth.> > So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I> am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation> differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face> instruction for this evening.> > I wish there

were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him> cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because> although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not> favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know> he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to> gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each> other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.> > I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but> my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my> Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May> 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts> even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I> am, feeling like dialing anyone.> > I have strong feelings, but

cannot name them.> > Thanks for reading this,> > > > > __________________________________________________________Get in touch in an instant. Get Windows Live Messenger now.http://www.windowslive.com/messenger/overview.html?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_Refresh_getintouch_042008

between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99

[Guest guest]

work it , claudia.. you  can do this.  jkz who likes to maximizeJanet, I will find a way.  I dedicated my PhD dissertation to my mother and her father, and named my children after other relatives.  I have jewelry of my mother's and my grandmother's.  (I live 3,000 miles from my mother's grave- no help there.)  I will definitely think of something- maybe, it is a reason to write another paper (not that I need a reason). Janet Zimmerman <jkzmailTSSMT (DOT) NET> wrote:I know it sounds somewhat trite, but all we really have are our memories.  they can haunt or comfort, depending on whether we choose the positive or negative.  Also, since our culture does not 'do death' I think it is important to design our own traditions and rituals that give these occasions lasting meaning, honor and dignity.   I go to the cemetery on Memorial Day and visit all my friends there.  I take things to leave on the graves , a snack for me and plan to spend a couple of hours.  I enjoy this a lot and look forward to doing it every year.  I meet other people there doing the same thing (maybe not all are having a little party like I am).   there is comfort simply by being there together.   I am sure you will think of some special way to honor your father!   jkzThanks, Janet.  I like your idea of having a little gathering.  maybe, I should do something for his anniversary- June 13th- since my stepmother will be alone for the first time in over three decades on that date.  his birthday is May 3rd- around that date would be pretty natural, too.  All I seem to do is remember-- is that how others process loss?  I know you are right about treasuring the time we had together near the end. I will read this over in a couple of days- it looks great.     Janet Zimmerman <jkzmailTSSMT (DOT) NET> wrote:My condolences.. thanks for sharing.  It is hard when some people do not want to have a ceremony and others do.   Perhaps you could have a family/friends gathering of your own arranging for this?  An ash scattering?   I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes!  jkzHi anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this,  between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99  

[Guest guest]

Janet, Thanks! I have a news flash- my sister decided to have a little memorial service this coming Saturday. More importantly, she has an online private website where we can post memories, and it will stay active for two years. I am still going to "work it". Janet Zimmerman wrote: work it , claudia.. you can do this. jkz who likes to maximize Janet, I will find a way. I dedicated my PhD dissertation to my mother and her father, and named my children after other relatives. I have jewelry of my mother's and my grandmother's. (I live 3,000 miles from my mother's grave- no help there.) I will definitely think of something- maybe, it is a reason to write another paper (not that I need a reason). Janet Zimmerman

<jkzmailTSSMT (DOT) NET> wrote: I know it sounds somewhat trite, but all we really have are our memories. they can haunt or comfort, depending on whether we choose the positive or negative. Also, since our culture does not 'do death' I think it is important to design our own traditions and rituals that give these occasions lasting meaning, honor and dignity. I go to the cemetery on Memorial Day and visit all my friends there. I take things to leave on the graves , a snack for me and plan to spend a couple of hours. I enjoy this a lot and look forward to doing it every year. I meet other people there doing the same thing (maybe not all are having a little party like I am). there is comfort simply by being there together. I am sure

you will think of some special way to honor your father! jkz Thanks, Janet. I like your idea of having a little gathering. maybe, I should do something for his anniversary- June 13th- since my stepmother will be alone for the first time in over three decades on that date. his birthday is May 3rd- around that date would be pretty natural, too. All I seem to do is remember-- is that how

others process loss? I know you are right about treasuring the time we had together near the end. I will read this over in a couple of days- it looks great. Janet Zimmerman <jkzmailTSSMT (DOT) NET> wrote: My condolences.. thanks for sharing. It is hard when some people do not want to have a ceremony and others do. Perhaps you could have a family/friends gathering of your own arranging for this? An ash scattering? I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes! jkz Hi anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after

finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two

sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of

good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have

a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I

know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this, between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99

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[Guest guest]

, Thats wonderful. I'm glad your family will be having some type of memorial..Everyone needs some closure and I do believe this will help.. I didn't tell you that when my father had passed away he wanted to be cremated and thrown in the ocean but he was so young and had so many friends and my sister lived out of state we had a viewing which he didn't say whether he wanted or not but "we" my sisters and I felt that alot of other people needed closure....So we did what he wanted and we did what we thought others needed and I guess we needed to. He was pretty sick and looked terrible but I will say that he looked great at the viewing...Little morbid I know but he did... I think about him all the time. I do want to say that I'm NT and I didn't have such a great realtionship with my father the last couple years. I have great memories of him growing up. Well the last 5-8 years our realtionship

was pretty non existent but it was my decision. He was an alcoholic and he chose drinking over many family functions including grandkids birthdays and I was angry. He wasn' the father that I used to have. Anyway he got sick and we took him to the hospital and my sisters and I spent almost every minute there or atleast one of us was always with him....He never said he ws sorry for anything he never spoke about what had transpired the last few years....He did thank us for helping him but other than that nothing was said.. He lived 1 week and my sister and I were there with him when he passed( my parents divorced when I was 22) and I will say it was very peaceful and it is something I will never forget. Anyway about 2 weeks after he passed we decided to clean his house out . I really hadn't talked to him in years. If I saw him I treated him with respect but I rarely went out of my way for him...He made his choices I made

mine...Well I was in the United States Navy in the 90's. Well we started to clean his house and he kept every single thing I had ever made for him or sent him. Every single card or letter I sent while I was in the Navy he still had. He had my softball championship jacket from grade school. He had my gym uniform from high school which we attended the same high school. I sobbed because I thought the person that I loved was gone and he wasn't.... he was upstairs in all those boxes . We just didn't communicate the last couple years....Its been 2 years since he passed and we still acknowledge the fun times and the rough times.... I don't even know how I got on that whole story but your situation made me think of my Dad so thank you very much... Sorry for the long story once I started it just kind of kept on coming..... I hope you are not offended by this but I hope you have a wonderful experience at your Dads

memorial...I will be thinking about you... Princess wrote: Janet, Thanks! I have a news flash- my sister decided to have a little memorial service this coming Saturday. More importantly, she has an online private website where we can post memories, and it will stay active for two years. I am still going to "work it". Janet Zimmerman

<jkzmailTSSMT (DOT) NET> wrote: work it , claudia.. you can do this. jkz who likes to maximize Janet, I will find a way. I dedicated my PhD dissertation to my mother and her father, and named my children after other relatives. I have jewelry of my

mother's and my grandmother's. (I live 3,000 miles from my mother's grave- no help there.) I will definitely think of something- maybe, it is a reason to write another paper (not that I need a reason). Janet Zimmerman <jkzmailTSSMT (DOT) NET> wrote: I know it sounds somewhat trite, but all we really have are our memories. they can haunt or comfort, depending on whether we choose the positive or negative. Also, since our culture does not 'do death' I think it is important to design our own traditions and rituals that give these occasions lasting meaning, honor and dignity. I go to the cemetery on Memorial Day and visit all my friends there. I take things to leave on the graves , a snack for

me and plan to spend a couple of hours. I enjoy this a lot and look forward to doing it every year. I meet other people there doing the same thing (maybe not all are having a little party like I am). there is comfort simply by being there together. I am sure you will think of some special way to honor your father! jkz Thanks, Janet. I like your idea of having a little

gathering. maybe, I should do something for his anniversary- June 13th- since my stepmother will be alone for the first time in over three decades on that date. his birthday is May 3rd- around that date would be pretty natural, too. All I seem to do is remember-- is that how others process loss? I know you are right about treasuring the time we had together near the end. I will read this over in a couple of days- it looks great. Janet Zimmerman <jkzmailTSSMT (DOT) NET> wrote: My condolences.. thanks for sharing. It is hard when some people do not want to have a ceremony and others do. Perhaps you could have a family/friends

gathering of your own arranging for this? An ash scattering? I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes! jkz Hi anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the

first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since

January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I

got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this, between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99 Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Hi ....

Sorry to hear what happened a few days ago (I was in Atlanta, GA for

a workshop conference and am only now able to respond to posts). I

am glad you had the opportunity to talk with him about how things

were going.

>

> Hi anyone,

>

> My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this

> last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much

> more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life,

I

> could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be

> understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just

> wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for

a

> father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well,

even

> when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being

> mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand

that

> he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly

> the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has

helped

> me to understand that my father was NT

>

> Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not

like

> the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him

really

> well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a

result,

> that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance

to

> be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the

> purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care

about

> him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It

isn't

> sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and

> remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all

of

> us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and

his

> brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone

> knew it could not be long.

>

> When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had

kind

> words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself

> and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed,

> she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone,

and

> it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already

> forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that

fact

> comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in

her

> life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my

> father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a

place

> for any reason, or when I pass from this earth.

>

> So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but

I

> am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation

> differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face

> instruction for this evening.

>

> I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have

him

> cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because

> although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did

not

> favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I

know

> he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to

> gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift

each

> other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.

>

> I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up,

but

> my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with

my

> Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May

> 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my

aunts

> even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here

I

> am, feeling like dialing anyone.

>

> I have strong feelings, but cannot name them.

>

> Thanks for reading this,

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, ! wrote: Hi ....Sorry to hear what happened a few days ago (I was in Atlanta, GA for a workshop conference and am only now able to respond to posts). I am glad you had the opportunity to talk with him about how things were going. >> Hi

anyone,> > My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this > last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much > more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I > could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be > understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just > wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a > father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even > when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being > mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that > he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly > the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped > me to understand that my father was NT > > Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings

I have- I do not like > the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really > well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, > that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to > be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the > purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about > him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't > sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and > remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of > us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his > brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone > knew it could not be long.> > When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind > words for me and for

others, and left me feeling great about myself > and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, > she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and > it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already > forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact > comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her > life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my > father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place > for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. > > So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I > am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation > differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face > instruction for this evening. > > I wish there were a ceremony, but

my stepmother only wants to have him > cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because > although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not > favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know > he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to > gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each > other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.> > I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but > my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my > Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May > 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts > even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I > am, feeling like dialing anyone. > > I have

strong feelings, but cannot name them. > > Thanks for reading this,> > >

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