The Point Gets Lost Sometimes (was Trust the NT)

[Guest guest]

The point of the "Trust the NT" thread was to shake up the notion that the NT spouse of someone with Asperger's isn't the one to be listened to on matters that many would consider a: DUH.In the almost 9 months since my husband's diagnosis, I've come to learn many things...from counselors, some from this list, some from books, some from my husband finally talking a bit more about what was going on inside his head.I don't think I'm alone in concluding that in certain areas the AS spouse is just going to have to give the NT spouse cart blanche in terms of doing certain things. (Things like hygiene, dentists, wearing torn or tattered clothing, how to navigate social situations and similar areas of living.) Our understanding of rote learning has no meaning if the NT spouse is excluded from that learning process. I am speaking of marriages where Asperger's is trying to be incorporated and worked into the marriage rather than fought over and perhaps causing the dissolution of the marriage.It is possible being told to shower,buy gifts for certain occasions, see the dentist or dispose of old, worn or inappropriate clothing will cause an emotional reaction in the partner with AS. I consider that the therapeutic part of the process. If both partners just go do what they feel like doing so it causes no discomfort, it is not therapeutic and it isn't acknowledging that the strain on the marriage has neurological roots with perhaps years of maladaptive behaviors.It has been said here and many other places that AS "develop" behaviors over their lifetimes to cope with day to day living. Since the behaviors are developed by AS, they were also developed because of AS and are probably rooted in AS processing. I don't think we can avoid that as an issue. I'll go out on a limb and say many of the NT's who come to this forum are here because they know what the problem is and are hopeful for some solutions (to greater or lesser degrees based on where their spouse is on the spectrum.)In my relationship (with the help of counselors) the very first (and biggest) problem we were given to tackle is attempting to determine how many ill-acquired coping behaviors can be changed or modified to be more relationship friendly. Adults with AS spend years and years mimicking other people's behaviors. There is no way for AS know if they've been mimicking good behavior of other people, nor is there a way for AS to know if the behavior they are mimicking is appropriately placed in any given situation. Unless of course, their spouse is getting angry at them for placing certain behaviors inappropriately. It looks (and feels) very much like "dart board" interaction to both people in the marriage. The "Trust the NT" post was an attempt to flesh out the potential for the AS partner in a marriage to mimic the social behavior of their NT partner. If the NT partner buys the AS partner something for their birthday, the AS partner reciprocates. If the NT partner showers daily, the AS partner doesn't fuss over the concept of showering. If the NT partner hugs their child and asks about their day when she/he walks through the door, the AS partner does the same. If the hug or closeness creates a problem, the problem is discussed and some other form of greeting that feels intimate to everyone is adapted.These are things that should be possible to greater or lesser degrees. If some of this turns out to be very difficult for the AS partner, then the "therapy" would be to attempt to determine the reason for the resistance and then further attempt to allay fear, perhaps by slowing down integrating newer and more relationship friendly behaviors into the marriage. At some point in dismantling old and relationship unfriendly behaviors the AS partner will reach the place where they are getting much better relationship outcomes most of the time and be left with what our therapist calls "raw AS." (Purely neurological AS, uncomplicated by a deep and wide set of maladaptive, self and marital exclusionary behaviors.) I think the really condensed message in my Trust post and this one is......AS insisting on maintaining old habits and coping mechanisms in a failing relationship is not an option if the goal is to keep the marriage together. If there is no motivation to modify old habits and bad coping skills, then the AS partner has an obligation to inform the NT partner so informed choices about the continuation of the marriage can be made.Regards,Anita 55 NT