To the Swiss Arm

[Guest guest]

Wow. That is some love note. And it is very sweet. It makes all the sense in the world knowing my husband. I have known him since 2002 and we've been married since 2004. I have been trying to understand him (it seems like forever) for quite some time. At first I thought he was controlling, mean, aggressive, but inside somewhere is the sweet man that I fell in love with. I have considered getting divorced over and over and over. Just recently (after being to 3 different counselors) it dawned on me that I should look up Autism. Shoot, I used to even work in that field, albeit as a financial person. I started reading this board and info about

ASPIES. I am 90% certain that Nick has aspergers. That would help explain so much, especially his lack of empathy for me or others. And there is so much more.

How did you manage to stay married for so long without knowing the diagnosis?

sandy

Re: Relating between married AS and NT

Well, I'm new here and catching up on threads, and thought I'd add to this one. Not sure I qualify as a "successful" AS/NT relationship, as he's only been diagnosed for about a year, and it's been a really rocky year at that. The diagnosis came after an extended and scary period of depression—trying to act like an NT caught up with him. Things remain somewhat tentative right now. However, we've been together for 23 years, married for 20 of those, and more good years than bad. Having a diagnosis made a lot of past hurts make sense, but is also a lot to deal with in terms of the future.My favorite AS book is Stanford's Asperger's and Long Term Relationships <http://www.amazon. com/gp/product/ 1843107341> because it walks through the diagnosis criteria and explains what each "looks like" in real relationships. This

book, and two helpful therapists, help us sort through what is an AS trait and what is "friggin' clueless spousal behavior" and thus changeable with behavior modification. My AS husband came up with when I asked him how he demonstrated that he loved me, as it's somewhat on 's topic of meeting emotional needs, I'm going to pass it along. It took me awhile to accept this list as some of it falls under the category of "You Pee Too so Why is Cleaning the Toilet a Gift?" but one day it dawned on me that he's quite monastic in his fashion—all work is with and for love—and that helped me warm to the idea. I've removed names and identifying details:<<How does this Aspie demonstrate respect, love and admiration?> >I tell you I love you.I remember to put the seat down. I helped <our kid> learn to put the seat down.I trust you.<Our kid>.You have the

final say in decorating decisions.I never loved you less even when you thought you were fat (which you weren't).I built your desk.I'm still with you. You've seen how easy it is for me to cut others out of my life but I can't imagine life without you. You're the only person I've hoped would be non-transient.You know I miss you when I'm not with you. Overnight jobs aren't difficult to take because I'm not in my own bed... they are difficult because you're not in bed (or at least nearby in the house) with me.I accept your love.I ogle you ~ I think that falls into the admiration category, respect too in certain ways.I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how you see the world, looking for ways I can connect with you better and understand how you are feeling. I'm curious about you. I tell people how wonderful you are and that I'm lucky to be married to you.I make the

effort required to consistently parent with you, showing <the kid> I love & respect you.When doing the laundry I make sure to hang up the items of yours which should be hanged and not iron those which should not.I do not flirt with other women.Even if I don't agree with you, I don't dismiss what you have said. Nor do I blindly agree with everything you say.Massage <The NT comments: I asked him to touch me more often, so he bought a book and taught himself how to give me a massage.>I try my best to be attentive to your needs, asking if there's something you would like me to pick up at the store or if you would like a soda when you're working on the computer and I'm visiting the kitchen.I ask about your day and how your events. drs. visits and dinners out went and about the issues you have concerning <your volunteer work>.I ask your opinions about

things I'm wondering about that I read in a magazine for instance. And I value your point of view. I don't doubt when you are concerned about something.If there's one brownie left, I offer it to you first.I don't blame you for my unhappiness when I'm unhappy.I do believe that because I'm in a marriage that what I do around the house is an expression of love, half of what I do & have is for you, it surprised me that you don't feel that way too. It's a kind of sharing. For you these things are necessary things to be done anyway and not like gifts at the same time. Isn't this the "two becoming one" issue you said I was lacking in my description of love?I admire and am proud of your ability to get to <exercise>. I tell you so and I comment that it's making your body look buff.I try to keep in mind that what I don't do is often as important as what I do, do. I try to temper

my opinions and reactions by thinking about how you're going to feel about it ~ I struggle with this but I do consciously try.I actively try not to get in the way of your relationships with other people who can nourish you in ways I'm unable to. I don't expect you to act, feel or think like I do. Your differences are part of what I admire most about you.I'm continuing to go to the gym and do other things to take care of myself partly because it honors you.It matters to me whether you are happy or not even if I'm not always able to respond or change myself right away to make you happier. I do feel bad if what I've done, not done or said has hurt you and I try to remember to apologize and not do it again. I tell the truth.I'm remembering to touch and hug you more often, say goodbye before I leave the house.I found a way to make room for your shoes before I decided the desk was

okay where it was.I put together those hunts for <the kid> at Easter and wrote some Santa notes.I took your homework assignments seriously. And you asked me to make you my project for a while and I have.Encouraging you to choose the nice car in the lot.I'm attempting to work through and support you (rather than run away) while you are evaluating my worth in your life ~ I'm not misleading you in my responses in order to curry favor.I read the books and articles you casually leave around the house in places where I'll likely see them.I continue to do these things whether or not you perceive them as acts of admiration or respect because they feel true to me and they are what I can do. And I continue to make the effort to broaden what I can do in ways that will register with you.>>>> Re-introduction- NT, haven't posted in awhile, married to > undiagnosed AS for approx. 3 years.> > Question: Can any AS men give examples of how they emotionally connect > to their NT Wives?? Or vice-versa. My husband and I are becoming more > aware of AS in our marriage, and would like to know of any "ground-> rules" that help other couples relate to one another. Preferably like > to hear from people in successful long term relationships.>