The Right Thing

[Guest guest]

I was so taken by the potential definitions of "the right thing" my brain went on overload and I had to go for a walk..LOLI've actually had a number of things rolling around in my head over the last few days and it seems they all rolled into one ball, so I'll toss this out there.The concept that got me going was the "what's the perfect mate" thread. All I could think of was the perfect mate may continue to be some sort of illusion. The education system would have to recognize that there may be a fair number of dysfunctional parents raising impressionable children. Just as children are now routinely taught about how being hit is physical abuse and how verbal taunting is a form of bullying, and how the area of your body normally covered by a bathing suit is considered your private parts and nobody has the right to touch them..........I believe from kindergarten forward, children should be taught to recognize dysfunction, psychodrama, manipulation, controlling and messed up parents.Once that happens, people will have the psychological "education" to select a partner based on a healthy perspective, with realistic expectations of themselves and their prospective partner.So that brought me to the "right thing" brain burner and how it coupled up with the need for a psychological education. - Some people thing it's right to use guilt and/or shame to achieve an end. - Some feel they must be "people pleasers" doing their perceived version of the "right thing" in order to gain acceptance and favor with a person or group. - Back to the movie "Wall Street".......and the famous line, "Greed is Good"......inferring greed is a "right thing." - Some parents think beating their child is a "right thing" I won't go on.......you guys get the point. I'm thinking the "right thing" with respect to NT's and AS is very, very different.My idea of a right thing could be my husband buying me a birthday present. Ask any NT if my expectation of him is reasonable and correct and I'd wager 100% of them would say, yes.My AS husband has no idea buying me a birthday present is a "right thing." He finds buying presents, in his words, "a pain in the ass." There's nothing "right" about it in his world. He doesn't care if you buy him a birthday present either and he doesn't think it is wrong if presents aren't exchanged. (This is the easiest example, my world isn't about giving or receiving gifts :-)Defining the phrase, "do the right thing" is essentially impossible across the board (NT and AS alike). In my opinion, trying to define it in NT/AS relationships is like getting a car washed and expecting it to run better for having washed it because getting it clean could be considered a "right thing."My husband once asked me how he could learn some of the social correctness (right things) that NT's seem to know. "Is there a book?" he asked. A few weeks later I was in the library and they were selling books there for under US$1.00. I spotted a copy of Post's Etiquette, all 800+ pages of it and made the purchase. Theoretically the book contains every manner and form of "the right thing" and I gave the book to him. He sat in the family room in his favorite reading chair and started to flip through the chapters, on extending invitations, accepting invitations, bringing a small gift to the host or hostess of a party, how to write a letter of condolence or congratulations..........he was beyond freaked out, astonished not only that such a thing existed, but that there were things people could do all written out and explained in minute detail.He read for an hour, put the book down, looked at me and said, "you people are insane." LOLA perfectly good reference book for all the "right things" .........RIGHT THERE and it collects dust on our library shelf.In a Brooklyn accent......."first ya gotta know there could be a right thing.......then ya gotta wanna do a right thing......most people just fagetaboutit."Regards,Anita

[Guest guest]

Ahh Ok Anita...I am an NT that could care less if I get a gift or not, and funny...Nick who may be an AS gets his feelings hurt (or that's how I perceive it) if he doesn't. So the right things for us in this instance certainly wouldn't fit any norm if put of some NT or AS scale I guess, but that is not really my point.

I think my point is doing the right thing for your partner. Trying to understand his needs in the relationship and vice versa and coming out of our respective "shells" and trying to accomodate. Maybe accomodation doesn't seem natural, but if I buy the present and I know it makes him happy, then I know I did the right thing, and wham..it feels good to me. That happiness I acheived for myself was my incentive.

I think that ..trying hard not being selfish or resentful of having to do the right thing on my own part....i.e. taking the time to buy the gift...wrap it...do a card etc....(which truly...I can't stand doing...I can never think of anything he may want or need, he has always gotten what he wants himself)...After I'm done with the task and I see his reaction, I am pleassd..

Sandy NT

The Right Thing

I was so taken by the potential definitions of "the right thing" my brain went on overload and I had to go for a walk..LOLI've actually had a number of things rolling around in my head over the last few days and it seems they all rolled into one ball, so I'll toss this out there.The concept that got me going was the "what's the perfect mate" thread. All I could think of was the perfect mate may continue to be some sort of illusion. The education system would have to recognize that there may be a fair number of dysfunctional parents raising impressionable children. Just as children are now routinely taught about how being hit is physical abuse and how verbal taunting is a form of bullying, and how the area of your body normally covered by a bathing suit is considered your private parts and nobody has the right to touch them........ ..I believe from kindergarten forward, children should be taught

to recognize dysfunction, psychodrama, manipulation, controlling and messed up parents.Once that happens, people will have the psychological "education" to select a partner based on a healthy perspective, with realistic expectations of themselves and their prospective partner.So that brought me to the "right thing" brain burner and how it coupled up with the need for a psychological education. - Some people thing it's right to use guilt and/or shame to achieve an end. - Some feel they must be "people pleasers" doing their perceived version of the "right thing" in order to gain acceptance and favor with a person or group. - Back to the movie "Wall Street"..... ..and the famous line, "Greed is Good"......inferrin g greed is a "right thing." - Some parents think beating their child is a "right thing" I won't go on.......you guys get the

point. I'm thinking the "right thing" with respect to NT's and AS is v! ery, ver y different.My idea of a right thing could be my husband buying me a birthday present. Ask any NT if my expectation of him is reasonable and correct and I'd wager 100% of them would say, yes.My AS husband has no idea buying me a birthday present is a "right thing." He finds buying presents, in his words, "a pain in the ass." There's nothing "right" about it in his world. He doesn't care if you buy him a birthday present either and he doesn't think it is wrong if presents aren't exchanged. (This is the easiest example, my world isn't about giving or receiving gifts :-)Defining the phrase, "do the right thing" is essentially impossible across the board (NT and AS alike). In my opinion, trying to define it in NT/AS relationships is like getting a car washed and expecting it to run better for

having washed it because getting it clean could be considered a "right thing."My husband once asked me how he could learn some of the social correctness (right things) that NT's seem to know. "Is there a book?" he asked. A few weeks later I was in the library and they were selling books there for under US$1.00. I spotted a copy of Post's Etiquette, all 800+ pages of it and made the purchase. Theoretically the book contains every manner and form of "the right thing" and I gave the book to him. He sat in the family room in his favorite reading chair and started to flip through the chapters, on extending invitations, accepting invitations, bringing a small gift to the host or hostess of a party, how to write a letter of condolence or congratulations. ......... he was beyond freaked out, astonished not only that such a thing existed, but that there were things people could do all written out

and explained in minute detail.He read for an hour, put the book down, looked at me and said, "you people are insane." LOLA perfectly good reference book for all the "right! things" .........RIGHT THERE and it collects dust on our library shelf.In a Brooklyn accent...... ."first ya gotta know there could be a right thing....... then ya gotta wanna do a right thing......most people just fagetaboutit. "Regards,Anita

[Guest guest]

I'm AS, and if someone just calls me to wish me a happy birthday, I'm

happy. I'm way past the point of needing things to make me happy.

>

> Ahh Ok Anita...I am an NT that could care less if I get a gift or

not, and funny...Nick who may be an AS gets his feelings hurt (or

that's how I perceive it) if he doesn't. 

[Guest guest]

Now, if I am in an ideal relationship and my special someone wants to

make love with me on my birthday, I'm not turning that down

> >

> > Ahh Ok Anita...I am an NT that could care less if I get a gift or

> not, and funny...Nick who may be an AS gets his feelings hurt (or

> that's how I perceive it) if he doesn't. 

>

[Guest guest]

Happy birthday scotty!

How'd you celebrate?

Matt

Re: The Right Thing

I'm AS, and if someone just calls me to wish me a happy birthday, I'm happy. I'm way past the point of needing things to make me happy.>> Ahh Ok Anita...I am an NT that could care less if I get a gift or not, and funny...Nick who may be an AS gets his feelings hurt (or that's how I perceive it) if he doesn't.

[Guest guest]

Hi Matt......

Thanks for the belated greeting. I celebrated by working 7 hours OT

(overtime), and then just going out for the evening by myself. Not

an ideal way to celebrate during the day, but it helps pay for the

bills.

> >

> > Ahh Ok Anita...I am an NT that could care less if I get a gift

or

> not, and funny...Nick who may be an AS gets his feelings hurt (or

> that's how I perceive it) if he doesn't.

>