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[Guest guest]

Hi dsweeney,

I have gone through exactly what you are going through in different

forms, and I know how much it hurts. I hope that what I say here

helps you, because the lesson I am trying to convey helped me

immensely.

You talk about the problem of bipolar disorder and its associated

effects on the lives of your children as if it were *your* problem, a

problem for which *you* are responsible.

I want to ask the question: What makes it your problem? In what way

are you responsible for the effects that it has had on your life and

on the lives of those that you love?

I mean, before you were born, nobody asked you whether you wanted to

be born, much less whether or not you wanted to be born with bipolar

disorder.

Even worse, nobody ever taught you how to cope with the condition or

how to minimize its effects on those around you.

In fact, the coping mechanisms that were taught to you by your

parents and by our society probably made the problem worse. Of

course, this is not to blame your parents--nobody taught them how to

be good parents for a child with bipolar disorder, just like nobody

taught you how to be a good parent for a child given that you have

bipolar disorder.

Like the rest of us, you were thrust into this world alone, without a

guide and without an understanding of life.

Mistakes were made. But when you think about it, is that really a

surprise? How could mistakes have *not* been made? How could things

have been any different?

It is hardly a coincidence that *every* single person on this planet

who has bipolar disorder has gone through similar experiences to

yours. It is an extremely difficult condition to have, and no one is

magically born knowing how to live with it.

I am a scientist by trade. Science teaches us that good things only

come through evolutions.

This is a very powerful lesson.

We can see evolution in biology, where life itself has had to evolve

over millions of years and many trillions of genetic errors to

finally get to a human being. Even after all this, our brains and

our bodies are far from perfect.

We can see the evolution in human history, where our ancestors

believed all sorts of nonsense about the world and did all sorts of

horrible, vicious things to each other for no reason at all.

Humanity had to go through stages of irrationality, confusion,

oppression, and violence to get to where it is today: a modern,

democratic, technologically competent society where everyone is

treated with a measure of dignity. And even now, our society is far

from perfect.

Here is the lesson: the same evolution that had to take place in

biology and history has to take place in each one of our lives for us

to get it right. Like you, nobody gets it right the first time. To

learn what works, we have to experience what doesn't work. We have

to slip and fall. We have to get hurt. Other people have to get

hurt. That's just the way it is.

What sense does it make to blame someone for the fact that things are

this way?

Of course, your mind will certainly blame you. You are necessarily

going to feel guilt over what happened. And that's fine. That's

completely normal. That's just how the mind works. Your mind is no

exception.

Have you ever dropped your tray at the cafeteria, and made a big

mess? And everyone's looking at you? Even though you may have

accidentally slipped on a wet spot, and it may not have been your

fault, you are going to feel the feeling of guilt, of embarassment,

the feeling that this was *me*, that *I* made this mess happen.

Despite the fact that this is an irrational and unreasonable feeling

to have, it is going to happen. Again, that's how the mind works.

So even though you are not really at fault, you are going to feel

fault for the problems that your children have as a result of the

illness. You are going to feel guilt.

Even though they hurt, and you don't like them, let those feelings

happen. Trying to make them not happen will only make them worse.

You need to let the feelings happen, but you DON'T need to accept

what your mind is trying to tell you in the process: that you are

bad, that you are not worthy, that this is all your fault, etc. That

is bull shit, nonsense. Pay it no mind.

Even though they hurt and can lead you in the wrong direction, the

feelings themselves aren't all bad. They tell you something

important: that you truly care about your children, that you really

value their lives. Ultimately, that's why you feel what you feel.

The best thing to do is to use those painful feelings to stimulate

you into taking valued actions: how can you respond *now*, and make

your children's lives better? And make your own life better? And

make the world better? You can't have it to do over again, you will

never be able to have done it right the first time. As I said, doing

it right the first time, without any instruction or guidance, is

impossible in life. But you can do it right the second time, or the

third time, or however many times it takes.

Keep on reading the book, it will change your life,

Best wishes,

--

>

> I am just going to jump right in and ask for thoughts on my most

> painful, chronic, and pervasive problem I just can't find a

solution to.

> This is first on my suffering inventory list. This gives me the

most

> excruciating, unbearable pain. I believe that ACT will work with

all my

> other problems. I have already made many gains with cognitive

therapy,

> but this is the major one and I can't seem to get it figured out. I

go

> around in circles and get nowhere.

>

> I have bipolar disorder, but wasn't diagnosed until about 4 years

ago.

> My three children, 23, 18, and 16 had to grow up with my yelling,

> fussing, black and white thinking, irrationality, depression (which

was

> most of the time), bad relationship with their dad. It has caused

> obvious pain in THEIR lives. When I think of them, I hurt. I can't

> imagine HOW to accept this type of pain when each time I think of

them,

> or see them, I know they are the way they are because of me. I want

so

> badly to fix them, but I can't.

> I have been told by counselors that when my children see me

> successfully dealing with my problems, they will see how to deal

with

> their own. The truth is,

> They MAY choose to deal with their pain.

> But there is also the possibility that they never will.

> If they deal with their pain and enjoy a great life, they will

still

> have sad memories of their childhood. They will have psychological

pain

> that I caused. That just makes me so sad.

> If they don't deal with their pain, they will lead a miserable

life.

> Either way, I am still responsible. This is literally crippling me.

> Every other problem that I listed on the inventory can be dealt

with

> using ACT. I have no idea how to deal with this.

>

[Guest guest]

I have suffered with erythema nodosum for 11 years doctors say its

idiopathic I have a flare up now its so painful it makes my stomach

ache as well It always makes me worried that something is wrong with me

and it hasnt been identified or surfaced itself for a couple weeks

before hte flareup I often dont feel myself real jittery & legs feel

numb does anyone have these symptoms ?