on cutting new members some slack ....

[Guest guest]

At 08:10 PM 4/25/2008, Sandy wrote:

> And then,,,,,what you said...That other members of the spectrum

> react in the same manner and that indeed Nicks reaction was normal

> within a certain spectrum.

>

>Does this make sense?

Yes it does. There is a certain rigidity - not only in lack of

flexibility and ability to see more shades than just black and white

under threat, but now I'm also thinking just brain function - that

suddenly switches off. I can actually almost feel it when it happens.

It's like suddenly my brain feels full of cotton.

For me, if I have the option of not having to say anything and find

something else to do in a hurry, then I do. If I am under attack (or

at least what I perceive as an attack) I used to respond with a

pre-emptive strike. I do this rarely now - compared to what I used to

do - because I am aware of it. (Only problem is I haven't been able

to put into practice assertively dealing with an attack or threat of

one, on a consistent basis, yet.)

When I was younger I'd usually just respond with something that had

the effect of ending the discussion right then and there. I realized

much later that I tended to fall back on that behavior without

thinking because the behavior was always being reinforced. Helen

barks and threat goes away. I didn't have to think, it just worked.

Maybe women do this differently than men, so maybe I didn't seem

quite as horrible as a guy, being similarly obnoxious, might have

seemed. This was still in the time of women's lib, too and women my

age (back then) were often verbally aggressive.

As I got older and got to reflecting on my whole comportment, I

realized that I was often being very thoughtless - horribly so - and

I didn't want to be like that anymore.

The unfortunate thing is that once I dropped my wall of defenses I

began to experience - and still do - something that I did not

experience as a young person: being bullied. It seems that in real

time, I can only function in two modes - being a pushover, or being

aggressive. In written communication, where I have the luxury of

thinking before I hit send, while I won't say it's never a problem, I

think most here would agree that I can probably manage as well as anyone.

In real time, where it seems when these situations arise, I'm like

the deer caught in the lights, I just can't think quickly enough, and

all my learning goes out the window. In order to put practice being

assertive, it would take more time than I normally get to process it

all and then respond appropriately. I have taken assertiveness

courses but they aren't nearly long enough for me for the lessons to

stick. Recalling that many of us on the spectrum are unable to

utilize the lessons learned from a similar but not identical

situation in a novel situation, I would need about 1,000 scripts for

1,000 different situations. I'd need to do a four year degree program

in Assertiveness to master it, I think, LOL!

NOW I can see why some Aspies come across as abrupt and rude. It's

definitely a defense mechanism. They may not even be aware of how

their behavior is continually being reinforced. Even if they knew how

they looked, they would be hard pressed to come up a workable

alternative. Hmmmm, maybe if they offered degree programs in

assertiveness........

- Helen