Re: Re: Sue And To Daneka

[Guest guest]

So what is happening now to you Sue and ? Sue you mention that you have been trying to get through to him for 4 years. Is that how long you have been married?

Daneka, very good advice. How do I get back to the original thread here. The archives?

And, Daneka

Your husband was fairly recently diagnosed, considering that you have been married for 20 years. How did you survive? I know it is a loaded and rhetorical question. You don't really have to answer.

I'm really confused right now. I go between ready to give up, because it seems like it probably won't get better, at least not what I had originally thought this marriage would be. And, then I think anything would be better now with understanding. And, I'm sure that is true. But, gee we do only have one life, and this one has become so difficult.

I wish I could stop waffling. I keep trying to weigh the pros and cons. At least you two seem to have husbands that are still intimate physically. I read in one of the books where the man stopped making love to his wife because she didn't put her toothbrush in a certain place at nite. They didn't figure it out until going to counseling for 6 months. I talked about this to Nick. I told him he always seemed to be trying to teach me lessons. He said he wasn't or didn't. Maybe that is not what the guy was doing with the sex/toothbrush issue. But, that is how it feels when the person doesn't make the direct relationship with a behavior that may bother him, and comes up with some strange reaction, that no one can understand. I told Nick that if he wasn't trying to teach me lessons, he must think I can read his

mind. I think he thinks if he says something once, I am supposed to accept it...do it...whatever.

I don't know....And, not sure I need any answers here.

Just think I may not be one of those special NT wives that can continue as you do.

And he gives me the impression that although he says he loves me, and that I am his Pride, and that he wants to stay married or thinks we can, that he doesn't really want to do anything to change. And, in fact is telling me all types of things that bother or annoy him....etc.

Gosh

I am sick of being depressed or without hope, but I am very short on hope for the better at this point. It seems like I may be able to make us both happier if I would just give this whole thing up. I think Nick would probably be just as happy or happier without me in his life. I get no sense that I add anything in any way of value to him.

I think that at least if we made love once in awhile and that it was something he actually wanted to do and was the agressor, I could fool myself into thinking that he actually cared about me.

Sandy

[aspires-relationsh ips] Re: SueTo: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Thursday, April 10, 2008, 10:10 AM

Ok so - I think we are about to bring this whole thing online fromboth sides. ... >> Sue seems keen on this list, so I've decided to post here too.> > Sue has told you a bit about our relationship. Last night it got> worse, she moved out of the bedroom, and we had an argument. Or rather> I guess the argument was one sided, as these things seem to be. She> told me in no uncertain terms what she thought of me, and I did my> best to take it.It really wasn't a personal attack - it was an attack on lack ofaction. Lack of effort towards resolution and planning for our life -a life that we are living on your terms so you can keep your dream. > > To me it seems like a wall of words bearing down on me, making me want> to scream and rage. It pushes me down into that depression that just> lurks under the surface. She wants a response, I don't know how

to> respond.You are right - I want action - I want something other than ... nothing.> > She wants action on a number of fronts. She wants me to come to some> form of settlement with my parents. I guess I regret ever getting> involved with my parents in the way I have, it is the bane of my life,> but now my lifelong dream is entwined with them. There are lots of> issues here, I am trying to fight through them.How are you actually fighting them? What are you actively doing toun-entwine yourself from them? How are you trying? I was angry as aweek had gone by where you had seen your parents for 3 days and spokenat least every other day on the phone without any further stepstowards resolution. > > She wants to reduce her workload so she can concentrate on her dream.> She doesn't like her life being wasted. I can understand that.True and

insightful on your part. ..> > She wants me to get counselling I've been to counselling, four times> in the past. I can't afford it just now, either from the point ofview of time or money. Now I'm aware of AS, I should go to someone who> specialises in it, or at least is aware of it, which of course ismore expensive in both time and money again. I don't know, I'll haveto do something.So the list of people that I provided you with including partiallyfree counselling from Autism Society which you joined was tooexpensive? - last night you went to a local meeting for an hour, youwent to a tourism meeting the other week - you seem to find time forthings you want to do when you need to - Its all about priorities ..> She wants more time with me, ok, so do I. What am I to do? Sueswings now from nice to nasty, that is the only way I can put it, in ashort period of time. I don't

know which I'm going to get.Having spent one day with you and two full evening since Christmas....are you surprised that I am acting resentful or angry? You work 7days and nights a week. What part of that makes me feel that I am apriority in your life? You have an option to change that by windingdown one of the businesses and yet its two months since you made thedecision and nothing has been done to wind it down or sell it. > > When things get bad, I hate the depression, the lack of motivation,> the despair. I need my energy, since becoming aware of AS the> depression has become less powerful in my life. That's a good thing.> Episodes like this sap my energy and increase my depression. I've> learnt to disengage from my parents emotionally, so that removes their> ability to push me into depression. I don't want to disengage> emotionally from Sue, but I feel pushed that

way.>That would be very sad - but since I hardly ever see you or have youemotionally available to me anyway - so what would the signs of thisdisengagement be and to be fair how would I know? ??> Moving out of the bedroom seems like the beginning of the end. I've> been down this route before. I have a lot to do. Today I wasted time> again, escaping, fiddling, playing my computer. Guilty all the time.Again, I am sorry I have distracted you from all the "stuff" you haveto do. But it all comes down to priorities. What I said last night waswith death happening around us and awful things happening to otherpeople we know - I said life is too short for wasting time beingunhappy and being indebted to your parents and feeling guilty becauseyou haven't done enough "stuff" !!!! I also said that I can't believe that when our own time comes that weregret not having worked more hours

or having spent more time doing ajob that makes us miserable - we would however regret not being happy,not spending quality time with the people we love and not realizingour dreams. I moved out of our bedroom to make you realize that I am serious aboutwhat I have been saying to you over the past 4 years and that I amtired of trying to get you to hear me. > > I have to get back to things. I love Sue, and don't want to loose her.> > Be very sure that the "things" that occupy your time are important inthe big picture of your life - I love you, I want to be with you for the rest of our lives, but Iwant to be happy and I want you to be happy. In order for that to happen we need to make our relationship apriority. We need to make our dreams a priority. Sue>____________ _________

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[Guest guest]

Hi Sandy,I think what kept me in there, when I was where you are now are a few things. First, I had young children, and I just couldn't see myself explaining to them that their family is breaking up because their mother didn't get what she expected in a husband. Couldn't do that one, although there were times when I felt I had to take them away to protect them from him. Second, like you, I saw paradoxes. I KNEW he loved his children, yet he didn't pay attention to them. I KNEW there was a gentleness to the man, but he acted like a boorish oaf a lot of the time. I KNEW he was very generous, yet he hoarded things and wouldn't share space,etc. There were many contradictions about him. So, in addition to the hurt, anger, etc., I felt puzzlement. I also felt: he's smart, I'm smart enough, we should be able to figure this

out. At the root, though, I knew he was a very good man. We had dated for 3 years before we married, and I felt I knew him well. Living together, raising children together were what brought a lot of the Asperger traits to light. One good thing about my husband that is not very common among men generally is that when he was ready to talk, he was always an honest, thoughtful, articulate communicator. So, when I was hopeless, he could refresh me by talking about our problems. Also, I believed what he said and took him at his word. I didn't roll my eyes when he explained why he did something that I found hurtful. I often had one foot out the door, but at some point we'd talk. Then, he came to me and said that he had taken this on-line test for Aspergers and scored quite high. I didn't even know what "Aspergers" was. Looked into it, and the more I read, the more everything

became clear. At the time I found Aspires, I was wondering whether I was harming our children by staying in the marriage. He was quite a tyrant, especially over foods, his special interest. Here, I learned to understand WHY such a good smart man would behave that way, what the triggers were, and where to draw the line. I also learned the best way to approach him about a problem if I wanted a favorable response. It's still a work in progress, but I've got both feet firmly in the marriage at the moment, and the children appreciate their father much much more these days. Life is more peaceful.Hope that's helpful. Basically, I just hung to what I knew to be true.Daneka

From: kapowaus <susanpearcedale (DOT) com>Subject: [aspires-relationsh ips] Re: SueTo: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Thursday, April 10, 2008, 10:10 AM

Ok so - I think we are about to bring this whole thing online fromboth sides. ... >> Sue seems keen on this list, so I've decided to post here too.> > Sue has told you a bit about our relationship. Last night it got> worse, she moved out of the bedroom, and we had an argument. Or rather> I guess the argument was one sided, as these things seem to be. She> told me in no uncertain terms what she thought of me, and I did my> best to take it.It really wasn't a personal attack - it was an attack on lack ofaction. Lack of effort towards resolution and planning for our life -a life that we are living on your terms so you can keep your dream. > > To me it seems like a wall of words bearing down on me, making me want> to scream and rage. It pushes me down into that depression that just> lurks under the surface. She wants a response, I don't know how

to> respond.You are right - I want action - I want something other than ... nothing.> > She wants action on a number of fronts. She wants me to come to some> form of settlement with my parents. I guess I regret ever getting> involved with my parents in the way I have, it is the bane of my life,> but now my lifelong dream is entwined with them. There are lots of> issues here, I am trying to fight through them.How are you actually fighting them? What are you actively doing toun-entwine yourself from them? How are you trying? I was angry as aweek had gone by where you had seen your parents for 3 days and spokenat least every other day on the phone without any further stepstowards resolution. > > She wants to reduce her workload so she can concentrate on her dream.> She doesn't like her life being wasted. I can understand that.True and

insightful on your part. ..> > She wants me to get counselling I've been to counselling, four times> in the past. I can't afford it just now, either from the point ofview of time or money. Now I'm aware of AS, I should go to someone who> specialises in it, or at least is aware of it, which of course ismore expensive in both time and money again. I don't know, I'll haveto do something.So the list of people that I provided you with including partiallyfree counselling from Autism Society which you joined was tooexpensive? - last night you went to a local meeting for an hour, youwent to a tourism meeting the other week - you seem to find time forthings you want to do when you need to - Its all about priorities ..> She wants more time with me, ok, so do I. What am I to do? Sueswings now from nice to nasty, that is the only way I can put it, in ashort period of time. I don't

know which I'm going to get.Having spent one day with you and two full evening since Christmas....are you surprised that I am acting resentful or angry? You work 7days and nights a week. What part of that makes me feel that I am apriority in your life? You have an option to change that by windingdown one of the businesses and yet its two months since you made thedecision and nothing has been done to wind it down or sell it. > > When things get bad, I hate the depression, the lack of motivation,> the despair. I need my energy, since becoming aware of AS the> depression has become less powerful in my life. That's a good thing.> Episodes like this sap my energy and increase my depression. I've> learnt to disengage from my parents emotionally, so that removes their> ability to push me into depression. I don't want to disengage> emotionally from Sue, but I feel pushed that

way.>That would be very sad - but since I hardly ever see you or have youemotionally available to me anyway - so what would the signs of thisdisengagement be and to be fair how would I know? ??> Moving out of the bedroom seems like the beginning of the end. I've> been down this route before. I have a lot to do. Today I wasted time> again, escaping, fiddling, playing my computer. Guilty all the time.Again, I am sorry I have distracted you from all the "stuff" you haveto do. But it all comes down to priorities. What I said last night waswith death happening around us and awful things happening to otherpeople we know - I said life is too short for wasting time beingunhappy and being indebted to your parents and feeling guilty becauseyou haven't done enough "stuff" !!!! I also said that I can't believe that when our own time comes that weregret not having worked more hours

or having spent more time doing ajob that makes us miserable - we would however regret not being happy,not spending quality time with the people we love and not realizingour dreams. I moved out of our bedroom to make you realize that I am serious aboutwhat I have been saying to you over the past 4 years and that I amtired of trying to get you to hear me. > > I have to get back to things. I love Sue, and don't want to loose her.> > Be very sure that the "things" that occupy your time are important inthe big picture of your life - I love you, I want to be with you for the rest of our lives, but Iwant to be happy and I want you to be happy. In order for that to happen we need to make our relationship apriority. We need to make our dreams a priority. Sue>____________ _________

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