For Sandy - was: on cutting new members some slack ....

[Guest guest]

Sandy,

I am going to hold on to every word you said (repeated below, tho

normally I edit out) because I am going to need this, soon. No I am not

getting a divorce or anything like that, but I am going through a very

difficult period of re-evaluation. It's been a crappy 12 months and I

have been doing a lot of thinking (as we tend to do when we are backed

into a corner.) In order to move forward, yes, I am going to have to

trust. And take risks. And some of those risks will fail. And I have to

be able to go on. So, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sandy, I do not know what to say about your husband's email that won't

sound stupid or obvious or terribly trite. I suspect that right now you

must feel close to crying if you are not in fact crying. Obviously he has

been thinking, and has become aware and it's really, really painful to

him.

Now because of the ideas you have been bouncing off other members here,

you have a clearer idea of how his thought processes work and you know

now for sure that he hurts too.

So maybe you feel terrible right now. Maybe you are thinking that you

have contributed to his pain. Please don't think like this. You

didn't do this.

Nothing that is really important usually comes to life without

challenges, and usually these challenges are extreme, and sometime during

this period, there can also be pain - maybe lots of it, and self doubt,

and questioning and so on. And now you know that we on the spectrum don't

do pain very well. So he has decided he needs to step away and try to

deal with (or perhaps run away from) the rawness.

I do wish, tho, that he'd have come up with a way to do this that

wouldn't leave you like this. That was a bit unfair. Well more than a

bit. But maybe that's all he can do right now. Still, I hope he finds a

better way next time. This wasn't a good choice for him to make. I hope

he'll be back for the game, or if not, then when he does come back, he's

willing to put in a renewed effort. Please take this time to be very good

to YOU. 'k?

CYBER HUGS TO YOU!

- Helen

At 10:26 PM 4/25/2008, you wrote:

Ahh...yes....what you said

Helen barks and threat goes away. I didn't have to

think, it just worked.

Yes, I agree it is a defense mechanism that you learned worked. I

don't know a lot about Nick's early childhood, but one time when I asked

him why he criticized me so much...was in fact hypercritical...it was our

early days of marriage..he admitted that his dad had criticized him

Constantly as a kid...and criticized his mother also...For years I

thought he had been terribly abused. And I do think hypercriticism is

terribly abusive...So he learned that behavior...and he used it later as

a defense mechanism to back people like me off.

What you said about letting down your defenses, and now you are in a

stage of being bullied. That would feel horrible to me. But I

know that in order to establish trust between individuals you have to

allow yourself to be in a vulnerable state. I think Nick knows that

over and over I have put myself in a vulnerable state to him.

He can then have a choice to react kindly or with rebuke. And

he (at times) has put himself in that state to me. That is when I

know that he trusts me.

I think it is so extremely important to be able to do that in a love

relationship, a friend relationship. If the person choses not to be

your friend, then you know soon enough and can walk away. A person

that sees that their mate or friend is putting themselves in that

vulnerable (defenseless) position should be highly flattered and treat it

with care and respect.

I cannot stand bullies. They would never be my friends. I

wish I could help you in becoming more assertive without having to resort

to being aggressive. I think your honest communication on this

board is terific and assertive.

I can be very assertive and do resort to agressiveness when I feel

attacked. But I always am thinking that I do not attack

first.

Cyberhugs to you Helen.

I am so overwhelmed by the email I received from Nick. I don't know

where to go from here.

Sandy

[Guest guest]

Helen

I really like you Helen!

You are very wise, very patient, very kind, very honest.

You are definately a Bridge Builder.

You would be my friend in a minute

And I would not betray your trust

I am angry at whoever did

Sandy

For Sandy - was: on cutting new members some slack ....

Sandy,I am going to hold on to every word you said (repeated below, tho normally I edit out) because I am going to need this, soon. No I am not getting a divorce or anything like that, but I am going through a very difficult period of re-evaluation. It's been a crappy 12 months and I have been doing a lot of thinking (as we tend to do when we are backed into a corner.) In order to move forward, yes, I am going to have to trust. And take risks. And some of those risks will fail. And I have to be able to go on. So, thank you!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!Sandy, I do not know what to say about your husband's email that won't sound stupid or obvious or terribly trite. I suspect that right now you must feel close to crying if you are not in fact crying. Obviously he has been thinking, and has become aware and it's really, really painful to him.Now because of the ideas you have been bouncing off other members here, you have a clearer idea of

how his thought processes work and you know now for sure that he hurts too.So maybe you feel terrible right now. Maybe you are thinking that you have contributed to his pain. Please don't think like this. You didn't do this.Nothing that is really important usually comes to life without challenges, and usually these challenges are extreme, and sometime during this period, there can also be pain - maybe lots of it, and self doubt, and questioning and so on. And now you know that we on the spectrum don't do pain very well. So he has decided he needs to step away and try to deal with (or perhaps run away from) the rawness.I do wish, tho, that he'd have come up with a way to do this that wouldn't leave you like this. That was a bit unfair. Well more than a bit. But maybe that's all he can do right now. Still, I hope he finds a better way next time. This wasn't a good choice for him to make. I hope he'll be back for the game, or

if not, then when he does come back, he's willing to put in a renewed effort. Please take this time to be very good to YOU. 'k?CYBER HUGS TO YOU!- HelenAt 10:26 PM 4/25/2008, you wrote:

Ahh...yes... .what you said Helen barks and threat goes away. I didn't have to think, it just worked.Yes, I agree it is a defense mechanism that you learned worked. I don't know a lot about Nick's early childhood, but one time when I asked him why he criticized me so much...was in fact hypercritical. ..it was our early days of marriage..he admitted that his dad had criticized him Constantly as a kid...and criticized his mother also...For years I thought he had been terribly abused. And I do think hypercriticism is terribly abusive...So he learned that behavior...and he used it later as a defense mechanism to back people like me off. What you said about letting down your defenses, and now you are in a stage of being bullied. That would feel horrible to me. But I know that in order to establish trust between individuals you have to allow

yourself to be in a vulnerable state. I think Nick knows that over and over I have put myself in a vulnerable state to him. He can then have a choice to react kindly or with rebuke. And he (at times) has put himself in that state to me. That is when I know that he trusts me. I think it is so extremely important to be able to do that in a love relationship, a friend relationship. If the person choses not to be your friend, then you know soon enough and can walk away. A person that sees that their mate or friend is putting themselves in that vulnerable (defenseless) position should be highly flattered and treat it with care and respect. I cannot stand bullies. They would never be my friends. I wish I could help you in becoming more assertive without having to resort to being aggressive. I think your honest communication on this board is terific and assertive.

I can be very assertive and do resort to agressiveness when I feel attacked. But I always am thinking that I do not attack first. Cyberhugs to you Helen. I am so overwhelmed by the email I received from Nick. I don't know where to go from here.Sandy