Re: This is all new to me--Parallel Lives-Breezy

[Guest guest]

Breezy,

I'm catching up on 100+ posts after a weekend away (my first time away overnight

from both the AS husband AND the 14 year old kid in more than 4 years), so I'm

reading out of order. You're asking about parallel lives. I think of it like

toddlers engaged in parallel play—they play near each other, but not with each

other. They don't usually share toys, but they will sometimes babble at each

other about the toy they have.

You described an aspect of parallel lives yourself when you described sitting in

the same room, each working on your own thing. He's content because you're in

the room. (This is EXACTLY how my husband is.) He may not need much beyond that

to keep him happy.

In my case, we get along well, and enjoy each others' company. We own a

business together, so there are still areas in which we spend time together and

cooperate on projects. Having a parallel life means having my own friends and

social life. He would much rather spend time with his projects than with people,

including me. If I'm happy to read quietly in the same room that he's working

in, then he's beyond joy. I've used the image of Lucy and Schroeder from the

comic strip before: Lucy's welcome when she's lounging on the piano listening.

It's when she starts to talk that he gets frustrated and she gets angry. So when

I want to talk and relate, I go out to dinner (or concerts or for a walk) with

my friends. Another example is that my kid and I travel together regularly to

see family or to take a vacation and my husband stays home. He loves having the

solitary time to pursue his interests, and I have learned that in my case, it's

better to " outsource "

my social and emotional needs.

> How does one begin to deal with the lonliness in an

> Aspy marriage (my

> husband was recently diagnosed). I feel it's a waste of

> time to share

> feelings with him. We don't even talk about anything

> significant I'm

> not sure I see the point in doing so...........

[Guest guest]

Hi ,"outsourcing" is a great way to describe it.Daneka.

> How does one begin to deal with the lonliness in an

> Aspy marriage (my

> husband was recently diagnosed). I feel it's a waste of

> time to share

> feelings with him. We don't even talk about anything

> significant I'm

> not sure I see the point in doing so.......... .

[Guest guest]

very nicely stated ... love the Lucy and Scroeder comparison.. I am such a LUCY!  haha jzkBreezy,I'm catching up on 100+ posts after a weekend away (my first time away overnight from both the AS husband AND the 14 year old kid in more than 4 years), so I'm reading out of order. You're asking about parallel lives. I think of it like toddlers engaged in parallel play—they play near each other, but not with each other. They don't usually share toys, but they will sometimes babble at each other about the toy they have. You described an aspect of parallel lives yourself when you described sitting in the same room, each working on your own thing. He's content because you're in the room. (This is EXACTLY how my husband is.) He may not need much beyond that to keep him happy. In my case, we get along well, and enjoy each others' company. We own a business together, so there are still areas in which we spend time together and cooperate on projects. Having a parallel life means having my own friends and social life. He would much rather spend time with his projects than with people, including me. If I'm happy to read quietly in the same room that he's working in, then he's beyond joy. I've used the image of Lucy and Schroeder from the comic strip before: Lucy's welcome when she's lounging on the piano listening. It's when she starts to talk that he gets frustrated and she gets angry. So when I want to talk and relate, I go out to dinner (or concerts or for a walk) with my friends. Another example is that my kid and I travel together regularly to see family or to take a vacation and my husband stays home. He loves having the solitary time to pursue his interests, and I have learned that in my case, it's better to "outsource"my social and emotional needs. > How does one begin to deal with the lonliness in an> Aspy marriage (my > husband was recently diagnosed). I feel it's a waste of> time to share > feelings with him. We don't even talk about anything> significant I'm > not sure I see the point in doing so...........

[Guest guest]

very nicely stated ... love the Lucy and Scroeder comparison.. I am such a LUCY!  haha jzkBreezy,I'm catching up on 100+ posts after a weekend away (my first time away overnight from both the AS husband AND the 14 year old kid in more than 4 years), so I'm reading out of order. You're asking about parallel lives. I think of it like toddlers engaged in parallel play—they play near each other, but not with each other. They don't usually share toys, but they will sometimes babble at each other about the toy they have. You described an aspect of parallel lives yourself when you described sitting in the same room, each working on your own thing. He's content because you're in the room. (This is EXACTLY how my husband is.) He may not need much beyond that to keep him happy. In my case, we get along well, and enjoy each others' company. We own a business together, so there are still areas in which we spend time together and cooperate on projects. Having a parallel life means having my own friends and social life. He would much rather spend time with his projects than with people, including me. If I'm happy to read quietly in the same room that he's working in, then he's beyond joy. I've used the image of Lucy and Schroeder from the comic strip before: Lucy's welcome when she's lounging on the piano listening. It's when she starts to talk that he gets frustrated and she gets angry. So when I want to talk and relate, I go out to dinner (or concerts or for a walk) with my friends. Another example is that my kid and I travel together regularly to see family or to take a vacation and my husband stays home. He loves having the solitary time to pursue his interests, and I have learned that in my case, it's better to "outsource"my social and emotional needs. > How does one begin to deal with the lonliness in an> Aspy marriage (my > husband was recently diagnosed). I feel it's a waste of> time to share > feelings with him. We don't even talk about anything> significant I'm > not sure I see the point in doing so...........

[Guest guest]

That is kind of what I thought you meant by parallel lives. Its how he and I live. Its interesting how many things I am learning on this site that I have done in order to adapt or accomadate my life in order to fit my husbands Aspergers. He and I have separate finances, take separate vacations and lead fairly separate lives for the most part. I take care of the majority of the day to day things that are required and he is on a need to know basis on a lot of things and quite frankly he doesnt need to know most of it.Most of the time telling him things he doesnt need to know just un- nerves him or confuses him or just flat out clutters his brain. I think we are lucky because we genuinely like each other and are good friends and that goes a long ways towards getting us thru some of the more turbulent times.