Re: Re: Fw: there was a reason we fell in love

[Guest guest]

There is a point that this is true. But if we could live like this we

wouldn't want to date or have a relationship with anyone. Why bother

with the primping the costs the emotional drain.

It's not that it needs to be a HUGE ROMANTIC GESTURE but the simple

things that can say to a spouse I love you.

For someone AS this is hard as they often cannot see the subtile

things they do(or can do) to non-verbally say I love you.

NT do place a lot and read a lot with non verbal communication. While

I don't have the outright ability to read this I try and learn a

couple of things so I can fake it.

I get my wife coffee when she wants.

When I have a couple bucks I get her flowers or a Dr. Pepper.

I let her sleep on the couch and don't delete the show we were

watching on the DVR.

I tell her I love you when I get off the phone.

I give her space.

People need validation and love when they are in a relationship they

expect it to be a two way street.

I try to go by the 60/40 rule... I give 60% of the time and take 40%

of the time. This way if both of us are giving at the same time we

both win. While it's important to give it's also important to take

(just in moderation). I your partner never gives you're left with

nothing.

YES it is true that it's not a spouses job to make their partner

happy... but you also don't show NOTHING....

Leigh

> If you can't completely accept and love yourself for whom you are

> BEFORE getting married, you sure as heck aren't going to be happy when

> you're married. Your happiness will be based on how he feels for you =

> co-dependent relationship.

>

>

>

>

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>> My husband told me many years ago that it was not his job to make me

> happy. I

>> was devestated.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with your response Leigh. It is certainly not a spouses job to make the other happy. And we need to be able to do that ourselves.

But, sort of like you said, why bother with a relationship in the first place if we don't feel some kind of need to connect. And once connected we want respect and affection in some capacity from our partner.

My spouse does the things to show me he loves me like you do. He feeds the dogs. He makes coffee. He makes sure I get up and get to work in the morning. He tells me he loves me every day and very frequently really. He used to buy me flowers and get me cards. If I ask him to get me a bottle of wine or something at the store he does it. And he does all of these things without complaining. He is definately a doer. And, sometimes he does something, to fix something in the house to surprise me. I aprreciate all of these "shows of affection".

Sandy

Re: Re: Fw: there was a reason we fell in love

There is a point that this is true. But if we could live like this wewouldn't want to date or have a relationship with anyone. Why botherwith the primping the costs the emotional drain.It's not that it needs to be a HUGE ROMANTIC GESTURE but the simplethings that can say to a spouse I love you.For someone AS this is hard as they often cannot see the subtilethings they do(or can do) to non-verbally say I love you.NT do place a lot and read a lot with non verbal communication. WhileI don't have the outright ability to read this I try and learn acouple of things so I can fake it.I get my wife coffee when she wants.When I have a couple bucks I get her flowers or a Dr. Pepper.I let her sleep on the couch and don't delete the show we werewatching on the DVR.I tell her I love you when I get off the phone.I give her space.People need validation and love when they are in a

relationship theyexpect it to be a two way street.I try to go by the 60/40 rule... I give 60% of the time and take 40%of the time. This way if both of us are giving at the same time weboth win. While it's important to give it's also important to take(just in moderation). I your partner never gives you're left withnothing.YES it is true that it's not a spouses job to make their partnerhappy... but you also don't show NOTHING....LeighOn Mon, Jun 9, 2008 at 9:14 PM, <msrpsilverlycos (DOT) com> wrote:> If you can't completely accept and love yourself for whom you are> BEFORE getting married, you sure as heck aren't going to be happy when> you're married. Your happiness will be based on how he feels for you => co-dependent relationship.>>

>> >>> My husband told me many years ago that it was not his job to make me> happy. I>> was devestated.>>

[Guest guest]

Leigh, That's really a greatattitude! One cool thing to do is to surprise someone- so if you find a new thing to do every couple of weeks, and do it (or make it different), then it wiill surprise her! That way, she will know you cared enough to put the thought into it that finding something novel requires. For example, if you get her a card for no reason other than "thinking of you",m and write "I love you very much" on it- or get her hand cream in her favorite scent (if she has one), or wake her up with a hug, or rub her feet for her, or give her a firm long hug, or reach out and stroke her hair-- if you want ideas, I believe that many of the women on this list will be glad to share! As for making a spouse happy, I would say that if you love someone enough to marry her, it is expected that if she is not happy, you wil feel sad that she isn't. If you are not, then she will feel sad that you aren't.

Therefore, just as you would try to cheer yourself up, you would cheer up a spouse- and it cuts both ways! I know that some AS may not get this, but I do. A couple of years ago, I didn't. Reading when a person does not feel good may not be the easiest, but if I know, then I will just try to help. This is not about responsibility, but about caring. The thing I had to learn was to acknowledge when the other person did something to cheer me up, and how much I appreciate the effort- and I do! that makes the other person feel that I care, too. AS but female : ~ )Leigh Jamgochian wrote: There is a point that this is true. But if we could live like this wewouldn't want to date or have a relationship with anyone. Why botherwith the primping the costs the emotional drain.It's not that it needs to be a HUGE ROMANTIC GESTURE but the simplethings that can say to a spouse I love you.For someone AS this is hard as they often cannot see the subtilethings they do(or can do) to non-verbally say I love you.NT do place a lot and read a lot with non verbal communication. WhileI don't have the outright ability to read this I try and learn acouple of things so I can fake it.I get my wife coffee when she wants.When I have a couple bucks I get her flowers or a Dr. Pepper.I let her sleep on the couch and don't delete the show we

werewatching on the DVR.I tell her I love you when I get off the phone.I give her space.People need validation and love when they are in a relationship theyexpect it to be a two way street.I try to go by the 60/40 rule... I give 60% of the time and take 40%of the time. This way if both of us are giving at the same time weboth win. While it's important to give it's also important to take(just in moderation). I your partner never gives you're left withnothing.YES it is true that it's not a spouses job to make their partnerhappy... but you also don't show NOTHING....Leigh

[Guest guest]

scot, please  consider these circumstances... when a person is feeling very sad ,overwhelmed with depression and hurt over situations that arise for all of us from time to time, it is not purely a self esteeem issue when a spouse expresses no interest or moral support for you during your dilema.   Most people expect that within the spouseal relationship that one spouse will support the other in some fashion during low times.    It really isn't about accepting and loving yourself before being married.  I suggest that you are referring to another kind of issue, one of maturity, rather than being able to express empathy to a spouse or others who are close. If you were married and your spouse was in a tough situation, would you tell her that you were not really interested in hearing about it because her happiness was not your job ?    jkzIf you can't completely accept and love yourself for whom you are BEFORE getting married, you sure as heck aren't going to be happy when you're married. Your happiness will be based on how he feels for you = co-dependent relationship.> My husband told me many years ago that it was not his job to make me happy. I > was devestated. 

[Guest guest]

scot, please  consider these circumstances... when a person is feeling very sad ,overwhelmed with depression and hurt over situations that arise for all of us from time to time, it is not purely a self esteeem issue when a spouse expresses no interest or moral support for you during your dilema.   Most people expect that within the spouseal relationship that one spouse will support the other in some fashion during low times.    It really isn't about accepting and loving yourself before being married.  I suggest that you are referring to another kind of issue, one of maturity, rather than being able to express empathy to a spouse or others who are close. If you were married and your spouse was in a tough situation, would you tell her that you were not really interested in hearing about it because her happiness was not your job ?    jkzIf you can't completely accept and love yourself for whom you are BEFORE getting married, you sure as heck aren't going to be happy when you're married. Your happiness will be based on how he feels for you = co-dependent relationship.> My husband told me many years ago that it was not his job to make me happy. I > was devestated. 

[Guest guest]

Audrey

Don't get married. He heaped affection and attention on me for 2 years. Do not get engaged. That is when it started to unravel.

Of course we neither had any idea of what AS is or was. But, our relationship is so typical of what the books say.

Sandy

there was a reason> > > There was a reason you fell in love with

me. There was a reasonthat you pursued me. There was a reason that you were fun and playfuland sexy and attentive when we fell in love. Do you think I wouldhave fallen in love with you had you not been those things. Don't youthink that those things are something that I still need from you? Didyou just fall in love with me thinking we would end up being roomates,dinner partners, financial partners? I think not. You one time toldme...your words...Sandy, you and I will never have one of those blaserelationships. > > There was a reason you were attracted to me. There was a reason youmade me feel loved.> > If any of those reasons still exist, it is imperative that you tryto understand those reasons, and figure out how to make some of thosethings happen again.> > I did not know about AS when I fell in love with you. You didn'teither. > > You cannot just

hang your hat on...well, that is why I do thesethings and expect me to understand and let it go at that.> > All marriages that work, have communication that work.> > Most of the marriages on the AS board have husbands and wives thatshow physical affectiton. I have been asked more than once by boththe AS and NT, why would I stay in this if we don't even have sex, andwhy would you? I responded that I guess he liked having a roomateand someone with good values.> > If you and I were apart, I know that each of us would still seek outthe companionship of another. And, 99% chance it would involve sexand affection. > > And, it is amazing that you made the efforts up front to discussthings with me and not dismiss whatever I said. Except that youwanted the prize. But, what prize is that.> > AS need assurance that their partner cares, and that they are

doingthings right, and the tendency is not to show the same assurance totheir partners. If you can understand you need assurance, praise,adulation, you should understand that I need it also. I don'tunderstand how that is so hard for anyone to understand. It seems asimple concept.> > And, I am a woman. I am hardwired as a woman. I have received loveand affection and attention all of my life from men. How do you thinkmy self esteem is now? How do you think my whole being, my body feelshaving none of that from you?> > Why is it not your responsibility to fulfill the needs god made mehave from my husband. Why is it not your responsiblity in front ofgod? Why is it not your responsibility if you are someone who lovesme to try to figure this out? Why is it not your responsibiltiy totake the first steps to fix this?> > Why do I have to continue to try to suffer the pain of

affectiondeprivation, if you can read the same information as me? Read booksby the As who have recognized this problem and overcome it. Read thebooks by the AS who have what they assume are succesful marriages. They take the extra steps necessary.> > And, it doesn't matter if it is AS NT, or NT NT, all marriages onlywork if each partner takes the extra steps. In a marriage each personshould care about the other person. Each person should care if thatpartner feels comfortable or is hurting. Each partner should do whatthey can to try to be loving and understanding, respectful, neverdismissive, friends, etc.> > We weren't friends when we fell in love. We became friends after wefell in love. We became friends after we made love.> > It is important to be lovers in this marriage. I have been waitingfor a long time. If you or I need to go to a sex doctor, then weshould.

Or you may want to go.> > And it is not just sex. Sex helps people bond. Sex helps a personlike you lose control and say something meaningful and needed to myears. It makes you open up and really tell me how you feel, which Ihaven't heard for a very long time, unless you feel nothing.> > Sandy>